Bad Grace: A Billionaire Romance Romantic Suspense (The Filth Monger Book 2) (5 page)

Her

A
s we were heading to the Tube, Kitty rang.

‘Hi, Kitty,’ I said, looking at Liv.

Liv rolled her eyes and carried on walking.

‘Oh, Christ, Grace.’ Kitty’s voice sounded muffled and indistinct. ‘Have you seen the news?’

‘No,’ I said, turning cold. What now? What else could they have possibly dug up? I’d purposely been avoiding the media for just that reason.

‘I’m all over it,’ she wailed.

‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’ I said, relieved that it had nothing to do with me, or Leo. ‘Isn’t that what you wanted?’

‘Not like this.’ Her tone was piteous and tragic.

We were just passing a newsagents, and I grabbed Liv’s arm and headed over to the paper stand. I took the evening paper out and opened it. Suddenly, I knew why she was so mortified.

The headline read:

WAG Goes Wild

‘Oh,’ I said, skimming through it. It seemed Kitty had been a busy girl, putting herself out there in more ways than one. There was a picture in there of a blond man, amongst others, who looked faintly familiar. Then it hit me – he was the guy who’d come over to us at the F Bar – the Nordic god that Kitty had been all over.

‘Oh, dear,’ I said, the blood draining down into my feet. It could so easily have been me there, spread across the papers, my misdemeanours public knowledge for everyone to read. ‘Oh, Kitty.’

‘I just want to die.’ She was still wailing. ‘Jimmy’s so pissed off, and I think Johnno’ll kill me if he gets his hands on me.’

‘They’ll come round,’ I said, trying to sound consoling. ‘Any publicity’s good publicity – isn’t that what they say?’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And they’re wrong. Johnno’s going mad. My family…’ She started to cry.

‘Look,’ I said. ‘I’m going to Liv’s gig. Why don’t you come out?’

‘I’m never going out again,’ she said, bursting into tears, before hanging up.

As soon as we arrived at Jackaroo’s, I knew I’d made a mistake. I hadn’t realised, when I’d said I’d come along, that it was going to be the same bar. Normally, the band did more of a circuit of venues, and it wasn’t until we were at the Tube that she’d mentioned we were heading for Islington again.

Even then, the penny hadn’t dropped. It was only as we headed out of the Tube that I’d started to wonder. Liv had put me out of my misery – or not – by turning to me, her sternest look on her face.

‘Now,’ she said. ‘I doubt they’ll be there again. Backpackers tend to pass through fairly quickly. But, if they are, steer clear of those guys, okay?’

‘Be
where
again?’ I said, hoping I’d misunderstood, even though I knew in my heart I hadn’t.

‘At Jackaroo’s. You did
realise
we were going there?’

I shook my head, wordlessly.

Liv pursed her lips. ‘It’ll be okay. Thursday nights are busy. Even if they are there, you’ll be able to avoid them. Don’t stress.’

I nodded, biting my lip.

‘Don’t look so worried.’ Liv gave a laugh and patted my shoulder. ‘You went out last night without any problems, and you’ve had
therapy
since then.’

She gave another laugh and headed into Jackaroo’s. I followed her, thinking how little she knew. If I’d told her what had happened last night, with the guys at the F Bar, she’d most likely have freaked and locked me in my room. It might not have been such a bad idea, the way events were shaping up.

No, I told myself. You have a handle on your feelings now. You can control yourself if you want to.

And I did want to, I was sure of it. I headed into the crazy noise of Jackaroo’s, certainty and determination coursing through every capillary of my body.

Her

I
followed Liv warily down the steps into the downstairs bar. It was already packed with what my now more experienced eye could see straight away were mainly backpackers. We headed over to the bar, where the jostling of people trying to get their drinks, combined with the blaring music, served to overwhelm me.

I stood back, blinking and trying to concentrate. I should’ve stayed at home. God, it was the third night in a row I’d been out, after wanting only to hide away. Already, the business with Leo the night before seemed like days ago. In fact, our whole relationship was starting to feel insubstantial and unreal, as if it were something half-remembered, from the past.

I shook my head. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. Despite everything that had happened, I still loved Leo. I did. I had no idea why, or if I’d ever want him back, but I still cared for him. Our relationship had been special enough, in its way, that I didn’t want it to fade into a blurred memory as quickly as this.

‘Are you okay?’ Liv yelled, straining to see me through the crowd that had formed behind her.

I nodded, and she pushed her way through the crowds towards me, beers in hand, and a worried look on her face.

‘You’re not, are you?’ she said, passing me my drink. ‘Look, come outside for a minute.’

She grabbed my hand but, instead of heading to the stairs, she went in the direction of the stage. I followed her up the steps onto it, flushing as I recalled my fantasy that morning of being on this very stage, naked and spread-eagled, a willing victim to a scene of degradation. The stage was in darkness – the spotlights not yet turned on.

I paused briefly and looked out across the bar, savouring the sight of the faces looking up at us. I couldn’t help myself. The lure of my fantasy was still strong and, in my mixed-up state, I wanted to file away this experience for future reference. For future fantasies. Maybe I wasn’t as sure of myself as I’d thought.

Liv tugged at my hand, and I started to walk again, the boards creaking beneath my Converses. She led me off the side of the stage and towards a fire exit. She pushed the bar and led me out, into a small courtyard at basement level. It was dark, the cool evening light blocked out by the high walls around us. I could hear footsteps above us; the sounds of people out for the evening, chattering and laughing with seemingly not a care in the world.

I leaned back against the wall. I was wearing a white vest top, and the rough bricks scraped against my bare shoulder blades.

‘Right then, missus,’ Liv said, pointedly. ‘Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? You’re not going to do anything awful again, are you?’

‘No…’ I hesitated. ‘Of course not,’ I said, firmly. ‘I…I just…miss Leo, I suppose.’

‘Miss Leo?’ Liv looked genuinely shocked. ‘You only saw him last night, for fuck’s sake, and, jeez, what a hero he was.’

I know,’ I said, trying to gather the words to explain. ‘I just...feel a bit sorry for him. About what’s happened.’

‘What the fuck have you got to feel sorry about?’ She gave a scornful laugh. ‘He deserves everything he gets. Creep.’

‘He’s not always like that,’ I said, rushing to his defence. God, I must sound so stupid. I sounded it to myself. ‘He was drunk, Liv.’

‘And that makes it okay, does it?’ Liv pursed her lips, briefly. ‘It’s hardly the first time, is it?’

I shook my head and looked away. ‘No,’ I said, in a small voice. ‘But this time it was my fault, too.’

‘How was it?’ Liv sighed, expressively, and looked at her watch. ‘I’ve got to get ready soon. How was it your fault, Grace?’

‘Because he saw me getting dropped off by a guy.’

Liv gasped. ‘You never said!’

‘I know.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Because I felt like it was my fault, what happened with Leo. He’s so jealous. He went mad. He thinks I’m still his.’ My voice caught in my throat, as I finished my explanation. ‘He said he’ll never let me go.’

‘Liv!’ A voice yelled, from inside the fire exit. ‘Are you coming, or what?’

Liv gave a snort of annoyance and put her head inside. ‘Two secs!’ she yelled, before turning back to me. ‘Well, he’ll have to let you go, eventually,’ she said.

I nodded, resignedly.

‘So, who was this guy?’ She seemed half excited, half…worried.

‘I…’ I began, then stopped, and looked away. I wanted to tell her, but how could I explain what had happened? I couldn’t tell her about the episode at the F Bar and, without that, I couldn’t tell her the truth about the rest of it.

Hell, I didn’t know what the truth was myself. What I’d thought might be the start of something, had turned out to be something quite other, but what…I didn’t know. Did he pity me? Did he want to use me? Whatever I was to him, I was one of a string of women – that much was clear from what Valentina had said.

I looked up at Liv, who was regarding me coolly. She shook her head, looking anxious. ‘I’m going to have to go, hon. Tell me after the gig, okay? It’ll only be an hour or so.’

‘Okay,’ I said, following her back inside. This time, the spotlights were on, and I couldn’t make out any faces in the crowd. They were all in darkness. I stepped carefully down off the stage and went to stand over against a pillar on the other side of the room to where I’d stood the last time…just in case.

Her

I
might as well have not bothered. I’d only been standing there a few minutes, sipping at my beer, when I felt a tap on my arm. I looked around to find Chris standing at my shoulder.

‘G’day,’ he said. ‘Stranger.’

‘Uh…’ I shrank away from him, feeling the blood rushing to my cheeks, as I remembered the last time I’d seen him, and how I’d fantasised about him that very morning.

‘Thought you might be here tonight,’ he said. ‘Seeing’s your mate’s band’s on again.’

‘Yes.’ I nodded, dumbly – not sure what to say. ‘I said I’d come along and…’

‘Well, who have we here?’ Someone else spoke, on my other side. I span round to see who it was. Stef – it would be. I shrank back towards Chris, willing myself to say goodbye and head to the toilets…the bar…anywhere. But I didn’t move.

‘So,’ Stef said, running his hand down my arm. ‘Come back for more, have you? Good girl. Hope your mate’s not going to interfere this time, sticking her fucking beak in.’

‘Ignore him,’ said Chris, coming round to face me. ‘He’s just a tosser. He can’t help it.’

‘Aw, come on mate.’ Stef elbowed him out of the way, and pushed himself up against me, pulling his head back to look into my eyes. He stank of sweat and beer. They must have been drinking for hours already, but it hardly registered with me, and I stared back at him. His eyes were stunning, crinkled and dark, set with thick, straight lashes. I couldn’t look away. ‘She was gagging for it, weren’t you, babe?’

I couldn’t speak. I was starting to pant, half in panic, half in excitement. I knew I should push past him and walk away, but I couldn’t. The feeling of his hard, muscular body, in such close proximity, the memory of sucking on his cock in this very bar, the feeling of hands all over me… I was frozen to the spot.

‘See?’ said Stef, in tones of triumph. ‘She wants me. I knew she would.’

He pulled back from me and motioned over to the rest of the Aussies, in the corner of the bar. Within moments, I was surrounded by the whole group of them. They were talking and laughing excitedly, saying hello and pawing at my arms and shoulders.

There you go again
, I told myself, trying desperately to put into practise the distancing technique I’d learnt earlier that day.
Thinking that you want this. It’s just a thought. Recognise it, then put it to one side.

The problem was that it wasn’t just a thought – it was a feeling, and I didn’t want to put it aside, not for anything. Stef pressed himself up against me again, and I could feel his hard cock, pressing into my leg. He pulled back again briefly and, as he did so, two of the other Aussies took my arms and held them back, against the pillar.

Chris tried to push Stef aside, but he was having none of it. He lunged in to kiss me and, as he did so, grabbed the bottom of my vest, pulling it up until my bra was exposed. I knew I should try to stop him – cover myself up – but I was falling into the moment. As he traced a line up my stomach with his finger, I let out a sigh of bliss and arched my back away from the pillar, pushing myself against him.

‘For fuck’s sake, Stef!’ Chris tried again to muscle his way in. ‘Don’t do it here. Give her some credit. Everyone’s watching.’

His words jerked me out of my almost trance-like state, and I gazed around me. He was right…people were looking.

‘Fuck off, mate.’ Stef threw him an irritated look, then turned back to me, lifting both hands to caress my breasts.

But the spell was broken. All I could think of was Chris’s words;
Give her some credit…everyone’s watching.
He was right – Stef shouldn’t be doing this to me here, and I shouldn’t be letting him.

As I went to push him away, it dawned on me that my arms were pinned to the sides of the pillar. I couldn’t stop him if I wanted to. For a moment, I almost went with it. After all, I could enjoy it now, guilt-free…there was nothing I could do about it.

Then, the Filth Monger’s words came back to me;
Don’t end up plastered across the papers,
he’d said.
Or, worse, dead in some gutter. Call me.

It was the push I needed to bring me to my senses – the whole fantasy shattering around me, like a mirror smashing into powdered glass. I tried to wrench away from the hands holding me, but they had me pinioned too tightly by my wrists and elbows for me to do anything but wriggle my shoulders. As I struggled, they began to cheer, and this just made me fight all the harder to free myself.

‘Calm down, babe,’ Stef said, sounding breathless. ‘You’re drawing too much attention to yourself.’ He put his fingers to the lace at the top of my bra and started to pull it down, exposing more and more of my breast until I could see the tops of my nipples. A few seconds more, and my breasts would be totally bared – just like in my fantasy – but, this time, it wouldn’t just be the Aussies who saw them. Everyone nearby was looking over, and none of them showed any signs of intervening.

I started to panic, wriggling my shoulders harder and harder, and pulling away from the pillar with all my strength. Eventually, they seemed to relent, and let go. I pushed Stef away so forcefully he went crashing into the crowd of girls behind him.

Chris was just standing there, his arms at his sides, looking horrified.

‘I’m sorry,’ I stammered, then headed for the stairs.

As I ran up them, panting with frustration and relief, I knew it was no good. Therapy wasn’t going to help because I didn’t want help, I wanted something else. God, what was wrong with me? They were just using me. They didn’t respect me at all, with the possible exception of Chris, but even he… Christ, I had no self-respect – how could I expect anyone else to respect me?

And if they could do that to me in the middle of a public bar, what would they have done if we’d been somewhere more private? My arms and shoulders were sore and aching from the struggle. I rubbed my left elbow as I left the bar. There was already a bruise coming up, just above it. If we’d been somewhere quieter, I knew they wouldn’t have let me go so easily, if at all. Not only that but, if I’d got too distressed, what would they have done to shut me up?

Don’t end up dead in some gutter.

The trouble was, despite everything, a part of me still wanted to go back into the bar, or so I told myself. I had to go home, and stay there. Liv had been right all along. I wasn’t safe out.

But I couldn’t stay in forever. At the moment, I needed to be out all the time, to take my mind off the total mess that was my life.

It was then that I realised it was time. I needed to sort my life out, and myself with it. I’d go into work in the morning, and see Max. Hopefully, he’d let me back to work after the weekend, and that would keep my mind off things. The papers would have moved onto another story by then, surely? And I’d see Jimmy, Kitty’s agent, in the afternoon, and see if I couldn’t make some real money of my own, so I could be more independent and in control.

But there was one other thing I needed to do, before any of that.