Banana Hammock (9 page)

Since I never knew when I’d have to go on a stakeout, I kept my car stocked with everything I needed. But once I found a suitable vantage point—on the street directly in front of Jim’s house—I realized I was less stocked than I should have been. I was way low on sugary snacks, but had a surplus of urine in an old apple juice bottle. Unless it was, perhaps, actually apple juice. A quick sniff would tell me.

It was urine. And I needed to stop eating asparagus.

I took a moment to muse about the gratuitous amount of bodily fluids that seem to have come up in this case, and cracked open the door and dumped the piss onto the street, where it made a foamy little river down the curb and to the sewer drain.

Then I cranked up the Led Zeppelin, licked the crust out of some old Twinkie wrappers, and waited for Jim to show up.

After half an hour, the coffee needed to be set free, so I filled up half the apple juice bottle. The secret to zero splatter is aiming for the inside edge, and then squeezing dry rather than shaking.

After an hour, Mrs. Drawbridge came out of the house and knocked on my window.

“George left before you got here.”

“Do you have any snacks?”

“No.”

I noticed she had some orange powder in the corner of her unattractive mouth.

“You have cheese curls,” I said.

“No I don’t.”

“Bring me the cheese curls.”

She folded her arms. “I don’t have any.”

“You have Cheetos dust on your lips.”

“I was eating carrots.”

“Were they powdered carrots?”

“Maybe.”

“Bring me the goddamn Cheetos, or I’m off the case.”

She frowned and waddled off. I called after her, “And anything Hostess or Dolly Madison!”

I air guitared in perfect synchronization with Jimmy Page until the ugly wife returned with my treats. The Cheetos bag only had a few left in the bottom, and Mrs. Drawbridge’s cheeks were puffed out chipmunk-style. She also brought me half a raspberry Zinger.

“You ate them,” I said, stating the obvious.

She shook her head. “Mmphmtmummuffff.”

“Don’t lie. You did. You’re still chewing.”

“Ummurrfumamamm.”

“Are too.”

She swallowed, and I watched the large lump slide down her throat.

“I think my husband went to his parent’s house,” she said after smacking her lips.

“What am I supposed to do with half a Zinger? It’s like the size of my thumb.”

“I said I think my husband went to his parent’s house.”

“Who?”

“My husband. After his parents died, he refused to sell it. I’m not allowed to go over there. He’s got all kinds of locks and security devices. I think he may be hiding something.”

I scarfed down the rest of the cheese curls, then washed them down with the remaining half a Zinger. It wasn’t even half. Maybe a third, at best.

“I’m the detective, lady. I’ll decide if he’s hiding anything. Gimme the address.”

She gave it to me. It was in the neighborhood of Streeterville, less than a mile away.

“I’ll call you in exactly two hours. If you don’t hear from me, I want you to call Lt. Jacqueline Daniels in District 26 and tell her where I am. Tell her it’s an emergency. Did you get that?”

“Yeah. Is that apple juice?”

I glanced at my pee bottle.

“Yeah. But it’s warm.”

“I have ice in the house.”

“Help yourself.”

She took the piss, and I started the car and drove off. Little did I know I was about to face the darkest moment of my entire career. A moment so dark, that had I known it was coming, I would have done something else instead, like see a movie, or go to the zoo and bang on the windows in the monkey house. But I didn’t know what was going to happen, because I couldn’t predict the future, because if I could I would have predicted the lottery numbers and been super-rich and never would have needed the money that caused me to go to that house in Streeterville, which was the darkest moment of my entire career. So that’s where I went. Unbeknownst to me.

In hindsight, I really shouldn’t have gone.

Chapter 12 aka The Darkest Moment Of My Career

So I had no idea I was heading into the darkest moment of my career, but I went anyway.

Before going there, however, I stopped for red hots at Fat Louie’s Red Hots on Clark and got a dog with the works. It was terrible, and I have really low standards. In my humble opinion, hot dogs shouldn’t have veins. Or anything resembling a foreskin. I could barely choke the third one down.

Uncomfortably sated, I pressed onward to Phil’s parent’s house. The house was unassuming enough. Split-level, single family, red brick exterior. There was an oak tree out front, and a chainlink fence partitioning off the tiny backyard. I parked on the street, then took out my remote control surveillance tank. After double-checking the batteries, servos, memory card, remote sensor, camera focus, tread alignment, and wireless frequency, I gingerly set the tank down in the street and a taxi ran it over.

Damn taxi jerks. I decided to charge it to Mrs. Drawbridge’s bill.

My next course of action was to figure out my next course of action. I played a little more air guitar, broke an air string, put on a new one and spent a minute air tuning it, and then decided on my approach.

I could put on my ghillie suit—a mesh shirt and pants with real and fake grass and shubbery sewn into it that I ordered from PsychoSniper.com—and then slowly belly-crawl across the lawn, traverse the fence using a carbide steel bolt cutter, inch my way into the backyard, creep up the porch in slow increments stopping often to pretend to be a potted plant, trick his surveillance system by recording a loop from his outdoor camera and feeding the playback into the main line, drill into his door frame using a cordless screwdriver to disable the burglar alarm alarm sensor, pick the pick-proof Schlage deadbolt, and sneak inside his house using my Invisible Voyeur NightVision Goggles, which I bought at CautiousStalker.org.

Or I could knock on the front door and ask what’s up.

“What’s up?” I asked when the front door opened.

Since I’d seen him yesterday, Ken had gone from half a sunburned face to a full sunburned face. The smell coming from his house was real bacon, which sure beat the smell of fake bacon, which my mother used to make out of soy and library paste and brown Crayons.

“Who are you?”

“Housing inspector.” I flashed him my PI badge, too fast for him to read it. “I’m here to check for gas leaks. Are you leaking any gases?”

“No. Can I see that badge again?”

“I smell something. Are you cooking in there?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Is it bacon?” I smacked my lips. “I love bacon. I read somewhere that you could shave with bacon. Rub it on your face raw, and it lubricates better than shaving cream. Have you ever heard of that?”

“No.”

“I tried it once. Closest shave I ever had. But I got an E. Coli infection and they had to remove eight yards of my large intestine. Can I come in?”

“No. Hey, you look kind of familiar.”

I flashed an
aw shucks
grin. “I get that a lot. I’ve made a few videos. You might know my screen name,
Sir Dix-A-Lot.
”

“I don’t think that’s it.”

“Ever see
Snow White and the Seven Blowjobs
?”

“No.”

“
Robin Hood, Prince of Anal
?”

“I don’t think so.”

“
The Empire Strikes Scat
?”

“Maybe you should come in. I may have some gases for you to check on.”

I nodded, stepping into his humble abode. It was no surprise he let me in. Fast talking is one of my special skills. That and being able to swallow pills. If I had a super power, it would be the ability to swallow a whole handful of pills at once. Big pills too. None of that baby aspirin crap for babies. I secretly hoped that one day I’d get cancer, and the doctor would prescribe me a lot of pills, and he’d tell me to space them out throughout the day because there were so many, but I’d tell him no need to and grab the whole handful and swallow them up right there while he watched, amazed.

That’s what I was thinking about when Phil hit me in the head with the hammer.

Chapter 13

I awoke from a terrible dream that I was trapped in a coffin with an inhumanly large-testicled man, to the terrible reality of being tied to a chair in some freak’s basement.

Said freak was standing over me, staring.

“You’re awake,” he said.

“No I’m not.”

I shook my head, which caused a spike of pain. My left eye stung, and I looked down my nose and saw some dried blood on my cheek. The freak still held the hammer. He waved it in front of my face in a way I’m sure he thought was menacing, which actually was pretty menacing.

“Yes you are! And I know what you want! That whore hired you!”

“Which whore? I know a lot of whores.”

He poked me in the chest with the hammer. “She hired you to spy on me! To find out what secrets I had hidden in my parent’s house! Well, now you’ll be privy to those secrets, Mr. Private Eye! Because I’m going to show them to you!”

I checked my bonds, noted he had used the same clothesline he’d purchased at the hardware store. The knots were tight, expert. My legs were bound as well, tied to the steel chair legs of the steel chair, which was made of steel. The basement was unfurnished, concrete floor, I-beams and joists exposed in the ceiling, menacing curtains sectioning off the area we were in.

“Got any aspirin?” I asked. “Some asshole hit me with a hammer.”

“Silence!”

“And can you please stop shouting? I’m right here. It’s not like I’m in another part of the house and you’re calling me for dinner.”

The freak chuckled, the nostrils on his large nose flaring out.

“Oh, funny you should mention dinner. Because the main course…” He cackled.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“The main course…” More cackling.

“What’s the main course, Emeril?”

“The… main course… is…” Hysterical laughter now.

I interrupted him. “I got it. The main course is me. You’re going to eat me. Scary. What a scary guy you are.”

“Not me, Mr. McGlade. You’re going to be a snack,” cackle cackle, “for my… zombie wife!”

I waited for the giggles to die down before I said, “Dude, your wife isn’t a zombie.”

“Yes she is.”

“She’s not even dead. I just saw her like an hour ago.”

“Not that hag. I mean my first wife. The love of my life, tragically taken from me after only one year of marriage.”

“So what about that ugly chick back at your house?”

“Her? I married her for the money.”

I smiled. “Thank god. I thought you were totally nuts there for a minute.”

“No kidding. She’s a real heifer, isn’t she?”

“I said in the first chapter that it was like God took a dare to make the most unattractive woman possible.”

“Yes, that’s Norma.”

“Who?”

“My second wife! But now it’s time for you to meet my first wife! And to feed her! Do you know what a necromancer is, Mr. McGlade?”

I shrugged. Not an easy task when tied up. “I meant to look it up.”

“It’s someone who has the power to raise the dead. Since Roberta died…”

“Who?”

“My first wife.”

“This is a lot of names to keep straight. Can you write them down on a sticky pad for me?”

He didn’t take the bait. I’d hoped he would have gone off in search of a sticky pad, which would have given my time to scoot my chair over to the menacing curtains hanging from the ceiling and hide behind them. He’d never think to look for me there, and would probably go watch TV or something.

But he was too smart to be tricked.

“Since Roberta died, I’ve been searching for a way to bring her back. Now, through a combination of magic and science—something I call sci-magic—I have finally gained mastery over death! Behold, Mr. McGlade, the living dead!”

He cast aside the menacing curtain. Hanging from the ceiling was a dead body.

“Is that her?” I asked.

“That, indeed, is Roberta, my Zombie Wife!”

He spread out his hands, as if waiting for applause. Even if I wasn’t tied up, I wouldn’t have applauded.

“That’s not a zombie,” I said. “That’s a dead chick hanging on a rope.”

“Really, Mr. McGlade? Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“Well, watch this then.” He turned to face the corpse. “Roberta, my love, come to me!”

Phil grabbed an overhead rope, and Roberta swung forward using a system of weights and pulleys. He made her wave at me.

“You’re butt nuts,” I said.

“She lives, Mr. McGlade! And she thirsts for your flesh! For nothing else can quell the hunger of the living dead! Isn’t that right, Roberta?”

He tugged another rope, and she nodded. Actually, it was more of a sideways flop then a nod.

“Look, buddy, this has all been tremendously entertaining, but what do you say we untie me, I go to the cops, and you get put in a nice room with soft rubber walls so you don’t hurt yourself?”

“I’m not crazy! Roberta is one of the walking dead!”

“More like the swaying dead.”

He got in my face. “Admit she’s undead!”

“No.”

“But she moves! See!”

He made her do a little dance.

“You’re making her move using pulleys and ropes, like some strange sad puppet.”

He raised the hammer, aiming for the same spot where he hit me before. “Say she’s a zombie!”

“She a zombie,” I said quickly. “You’re a genius who has conquered death. I’m in awe of your brilliance.”

He stared at me hard, and then spun and yanked the dead chick closer. I realized she was naked, and her boobs were missing. I always notice little things like that. Her skin had become dark brown and wrinkly, like a giant raisin. Whack job had also cut some blue eyes from a magazine or poster, and stapled them over her eye sockets. Her teeth were bared, the corners of her mouth turned up. Twist ties, to make it look like she was smiling.

It was kind of endearing, in a raving psychotic way.

“Roberta does seem sort of tired today.” He caressed what was left of her cheek. “Perhaps she needs another treatment. I shall fetch the Rejuvenation Ray!”