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fifteen
"What do you want from me?" Sarah asked Jonathan as she stood in the
middle of his living room. She didn't know why she kept coming back,
why her feet couldn't seem to move in any other direction than toward
him. Who was this man and why couldn't she seem to let go? She'd tried
to walk away ail afternoon, following the woman in the straw hat
halfway across town, then losing her just around the corner from Matt's
apartment. It was odd how the woman had taken her there, almost as if
she'd known that's where Sarah needed to go.
She'd lingered in front of Matt's building, catching a bittersweet
glance of Matt kissing Emily on the
cheek as he'd taken her out of his
car. Emily hadn't been crying. She'd been happy, happier than Sarah
ever remembered her being.
She'd done the right thing leaving Emily with Matt. Her baby was in
good hands, healthy, happy. Sarah could leave now with a clean
conscience. Only she couldn't leave. Because seeing Emily again had
only made the terrible ache in
her soul turn into a sharp, stabbing pain.
She'd wanted to run up to Matt and take Emily out of his arms and
promise she'd never leave her again. But she'd waited too long, and
he'd gone inside the building. She'd lost her nerve then, imagining
what
she could possibly say.
Hi, how are
you? How have you been for
the last thirteen years? You don't
mind that I dropped my baby off
without even asking, do you?
How ridiculous would that have sounded? It would have sounded
crazy—crazy like their mother. Matt would have taken one look at her
and seen the resemblance. And then what would she have done? And maybe
Matt would think Emily would go crazy, too. But her baby wouldn't,
because she wouldn't grow up the way they had. She'd have a better
life—a life with Matt.
"Sarah?"
It was a moment before Sarah realized that Jonathan was talking to her.
"What?"
"You asked what I wanted from you. The answer is nothing."
"That can't be tine. Everyone wants something."
"What do you want?"
She'd backed herself into that corner. "I don't know."
"Yes, you do. You're just afraid to say it out loud. Actually, I do
want something. I want you to trust
me. I want you to stop guarding
your words, to feel free enough to be yourself."
"I don't even know who that is."
He smiled. "No time like the present to find out. So, tell me what you
want."
"I want the Christmas card family," she said impulsively, the words
coining out of her mouth before
she could stop them. The one with the
roaring fire and the kids hanging the stockings and the cat playing
with the ribbons on the
Christmas present. Mattie gave me a card like that once." Matt was the
only one who'd ever given her anything. She reached for the necklace
that was usually on her neck, reminded
again that she'd left it behind
in her desperate flight from Gary.
"Why can't you have it?"
"Because people like me don't have things like that."
"When you look in the mirror, you see limitations, but when I look at
you, Sarah, I see possibilities."
The warmth in his eyes took the chill
from her bones. And when Jonathan led her over to the couch,
she didn't
resist.
They sat in silence for a few moments. Sarah was grateful that he
didn't rush into speech. She couldn't think when things moved too fast.
She needed time for al! the words to get to her head in the right
order. One of her teachers had said she had some learning problem, but
she couldn't remember the name of it. Not that it mattered. There were
lots of reasons why she hadn't finished school, and none of them had
to
do with her brain.
"Tell me about this Mattie you speak of so fondly," Jonathan said.
"He's my brother. My older brother."
"Where does he live?"
She tensed, still not sure how much she should trust him. But as she
looked into his encouraging eyes,
she knew that if she was ever going
to take a chance on a man, this was the man.
"He lives here in town," she answered.
"Why didn't you go to him when Gary hurt you?"
"I did. He's the one who has my baby."
A light of understanding came into his eyes. "I see."
"No, you don't see. I left Emily in the hallway with a note. I didn't
give Mattie a chance to say no.
I just left her. Now you
know what a terrible mother I am."
"Is she safe with Matt?"
"Yes."
"Then you're not a terrible mother. Let me ask you this, would she have
been safe with you?"
"I don't know. She kept crying. I felt so helpless. And Gary couldn't
stand it. He talked to some friends
of his, and he found a lawyer who
would pay us ten thousand dollars to give Emily to him." Her mouth
trembled, and she bit down on her lip to stop herself from crying. "I
said I wouldn't sell my baby, but Gary said he didn't need my
permission because he was the baby's father and I'm not a good mother.
He could find people to say that was so if I tried to stop him. And
there was a part of me that believed him, that I was a bad mother."
"Sarah, no, that's not true. You protected your child. That was the
right thing to do, the courageous
thing to do."
"But what am I going to do now? I don't have an education. The only job
I ever had was as a shampoo girl at a beauty salon. If I don't stay
with Gary, who's going to pay for everything? I feel so tired, so
overwhelmed. I don't think I can do this by myself."
"Sh-sh," he said, putting a finger against her lips. Then his hands
slid to her shoulders and she was suddenly resting her head on his
chest. "You're not by yourself anymore."
Oh. how she wanted to believe him, to close her eyes and be swept away
into a beautiful dream where
a man and a woman and a child lived
happily ever after.
"'I can help you if you let me," he told her.
She lifted her head to look at him. "Why would you want to?"
"Because I want to."
"That's your reason? I thought you'd say because God wanted you to."
"Well, he probably does. Actually, I'm not sure if you were sent to me
so I could help you or so you could help me."
"Me? What could I do to help you?"
"You're not the only who feels helpless to change things. And you're
not the only one who feels alone sometimes."
"But you're a minister. You have God for company."
He chuckled. "Sometimes, the conversation is a little one-sided."
She sent him a tentative smile. "I guess that's true."
He put his hand on the side of her face, his fingers gentle as they
traced the fading bruise around her
eye. A second later he dropped his
hand with a guilty frown. "Sorry."
Jonathan stood up abruptly and walked around the room. He picked up a
photograph on the mantel,
then set it back down again.
"Who's in the picture?" she asked, wondering why he suddenly seemed so
uncomfortable.
"My parents on their wedding day."
"Can I see it?"
He hesitated, then picked up the frame and handed it to her.
"Your mother is pretty. She looks happy."
"She was then. It didn't last. They divorced when I was thirteen."
"I didn't think ministers could get divorced."
"It's frowned upon, but my father is such an incredible preacher that
he can talk most people into forgetting what he wants them to forget
and remembering what he wants them to remember."
"You make him sound like God."
"Do I?" Jonathan shifted his feet, then took the photo out of her hand
and set it on the mantel. "Let's
talk about you."
"I told you everything."
"Not about your parents. What about your father?"
"He died when I was a baby."
"And your mother?"
"She wasn't around much. Mattie used to take care of me. Then we were
split up into foster care after
a fire in our apartment. I never saw
him again after that. I didn't even know where he was until a few days
ago when I picked up a newspaper and saw his name. I thought it was a
sign."
"You need to talk to him, Sarah. Tell him you're all right. Tell him
what happened with Gary."
She shook her head. "I can't do that."
"Why not? You miss your baby, don't you?"
"So much," she said, a tear spilling out of one eye. She wiped it away
but it was quickly followed by another and another. Some days she
thought she might drown in her own tears.
Jonathan handed her a Kleenex from the box on the end table. She wiped
her cheeks. "Sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for loving your baby or for wanting her to
be with you." His gaze was
so piercing it went straight through to her
heart.
"I do want her, but I'm scared."
"Of Gary?"
"And myself. You see ..." She twisted the tissue in her fingers,
wondering how much she should tell
him, but she couldn't stop the words from coming straight out of the
scariest part
of her mind. "My mother was crazy. Most people thought she was just a
drunk, but I knew different. And I'm afraid
I might be crazy, too."
"I don't think you're crazy, Sarah," Jonathan said as he sat down next
to her.
"You don't know me well enough to say that."
"I know that people who are crazy are usually the last to know," he
said bluntly. "Did your mother
ever say she was crazy?"
"No. She never said that. But she was. She'd say things that made no
sense, and the things she did... Well, I don't want to talk about this
anymore." She got to her feet, the memories making her restless, making
her feel like she should run again. Because she'd been running from
them her whole life.
"You have to talk about your past. You have to bring your fears out of
the shadows, flood them with light, so they won't scare you anymore."
She wondered if it could reaily be that easy. Deep down she didn't
think so. This man hadn't seen what she'd seen, hadn't lived the life
she'd lived. He wanted to believe that there was good in everyone, but
she knew that some people just weren't good.
"Have you ever hurt anyone, Sarah?" he continued, his eyes intent on
hers. "Have you? Look at me, dammit."
She was startled by the first swear word she'd ever heard cross his
lips. She fumed her head to face him.
"Have you ever committed a crime?" he asked.
"No"
"Done drags?"
"No! I never did drugs. I swear. I used to drink when I was in high
school but I quit as soon as I got pregnant. And I haven't
had anything since."
"Because you were worried about hurting your baby. That sounds pretty
smart to me. I don't think
you're crazy, Sarah. I think you're scared.
You're twenty-two years old, and you've had a rough life so far. Now,
you have a baby and no way to support that child, no home and no job.
If you weren't scared, there would be something wrong with you." He got
up and walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. "We are
not our parents, Sarah. Not for the good stuff, not for the bad stuff.
It's taken me a long time to learn that."
"Some things are hereditary."
"And a lot of things are not. Believe me, I wish I had my father's
fire, his passion, his ability to make things happen, but I don't. And
I happen to look just like him, too," he added with a smile. "Maybe
you
see your mother in the mirror, but she's not there, you are."
She wanted to believe him, wanted to feel better, but it was difficult
to let go of the fear. "After I had Emily, she cried all the time, and
I couldn't make her stop. I tried rocking her, singing to her, feeding
her. But she hated tc nurse, and she hated me. It got harder and harder
to get up out of bed to take
care of her. I was so tired, and Gary
wouldn't help. He'd just say it was time to give her up. He almost had
me convinced, but then I couldn't— couldn't iet her go. I love her,"
she said passionately, knowing
it was the one truth she could speak
freely. "I love her so much. But I have to do what's right by her,
which I think means letting her go, but then I miss her so much I can't
stand it." She put a hand to her heart. "It hurts in here, Jonathan. It
hurts worse than anything." She couldn't keep the agony out of her
voice, because now that the dam had burst, she was swamped with regret
for having let
Emily go. The baby was the only good thing that had ever happened to
her in her whole life. "Tell me what to do.
Please tell me what to do."
"I can't tell you what to do," Jonathan said slowly. "But I do have an
idea."
"What?"
"These feelings that you have of depression and terror, did you have
them before Emily was born?"
"Sometimes, but they got worse when she was crying all the time. I
didn't know babies could be so
hard or that I would feel so
overwhelmed."
He nodded. "Come with me."
"Where—the church? Because praying hasn't gotten me anywhere."
He smiled at her, the smile that told her things would work out.
"Prayer got you here," he said. "But
now you have to come with me to
the office, to my computer."
"Your computer is going to help me?" she asked doubtfully.
"A little faith can be a wonderful thing."
*  *  *
"Emily won't stop crying," Caitlyn told Matt as they waited in the
Stems' living room for Jackie and
David to get Emily to sleep so they
could go. "I know they want to help you, but Emily doesn't know them.
We can't leave her here overnight."
"You're right. Emily doesn't even like us much once the witching hour
hits."
"It was nice of them to offer .. ."
"But we should take her home with us."
Caitlyn liked the fact that there wasn't any real doubt in his voice,
no edge of irritation that he wouldn't get the night off he'd expected.
David came out of the bedroom with a harried look on his face. "My God,
that baby can cry. I had no idea a little thing like that could make so
much noise."
"Tell me about it," Matt said, starting toward the bedroom.
"I'll go," Caitlyn said as she put a hand on his arm. "You better talk
to David about some of the joys
of fatherhood before he decides to call
the whole thing off."
"Hey, can I do that?" David asked.
Caitlyn smiled as she entered the bedroom and saw Jackie frantically
trying to bounce Emily out of her bad mood. "Do you want me to take
her?"
"I think you better," Jackie said, more relief than dismay in her
voice. "I don't think she fits too well
with my pregnant stomach. She
can't get comfortable. And David doesn't know how to hold her. He
acts
like she's a football and he's looking for a receiver to pass to."
Caitlyn took Emily and placed the baby in her favorite position, which
was against Caitlyn's chest,
Emily's head tucked under Caitlyn's chin.
Her cries turned into sobs, then whimpers, then breaths of
relief as
exhaustion claimed her into sleep.
"Wow, you have the magic touch," Jackie said, her eyes worried as they
studied Caitlyn and the baby. "What were David and I thinking? We can't
take care of a kid. We don't know the first thing about babies. What if
our child doesn't like us? What if we do the wrong thing?"
"You won't, and you'll learn about your own baby very quickly. You'll
start to distinguish between real cries of distress and just cries of
irritation."
"Do you really think so?"
"Yes, absolutely. And don't think Matt and I are experts. Emily cries
with us all the time. Ask Matt what he did last night to get her to
sleep."
"What?" Jackie asked.
"He drove Emily around in the car for an hour until she fell asleep."
"That's not exactly making me feel better."
"Sorry; I just didn't want you to think it was you. Emily doesn't like
the nighttime. She's fussy. But I'm starting to figure out what makes
her happiest."
"She's lucky to have you."
"Lucky to have Matt. I'm just helping out."
"Matt is lucky to have you. Although, he has taken to this child like I
never expected. The way he looks at her, the way he talks to her ... it
amazes me."
"It gets to me, too," Caitlyn admitted. "I never thought a man and a
baby could be so beautiful together, but Matt and Emily—sometimes they
take my breath away."'
Jackie smiled knowingly, and Caitlyn had a feeling she'd been a little
too enthusiastic. "I'm speaking objectively, of course."
"Of course."
"You'll see what I'm talking about the first time David falls asleep
with your baby in his arms."
"I can't wait. Sometimes it seems to take forever."
Caitlyn felt a rush of emotion as she watched Jackie rub her stomach in
a loving gesture. She wondered what it would feel like to carry a baby
inside your body, to feel its feet and hands kicking against you,
to
know that you were giving life to a human being. But she would never
know any of that. Her body would always be barren. Such an awful word
that was, like a dry, parched, deadly desert, where nothing could grow,
nothing could live. What kind of a person did that make her?
Logically, she knew she was a good person, that having a baby wouldn't
validate or invalidate that. But she still felt like she was missing
something important. And somehow, some way, she had to find purpose and
meaning in the rest of
her life, in her other relationships, because whatever version of
family she ended up with, it wouldn't be the one she had always wanted.
And she'd have to reconcile with that.
That sense of reconciliation had grown in the minutes and hours since
she'd shared her secret with Matt. She didn't know why really. But
saying it out loud had made her face it in a way she hadn't done
before. It was the first step. Now she just needed to take the next one
and the one after that. But not today. Maybe tomorrow or some time in
the future.
"I never thought of Matt as a family man," Jackie mused, her gaze still
fixed on Emily, who had drifted off to sleep. "I used to think he'd
never settle down. It was more likely for him to have a different woman
on his arm every Friday night than the same one two weeks in a row."
Jackie stopped, suddenly looking guilty. "That wasn't the smartest
thing to say, was it?"
"It doesn't matter. Matt and I are just friends." Caitlyn said the
words automatically, although Jackie seemed disinclined to believe
them. Of course, she was having a little trouble herself, but that was
beside the point.
"He watches you when you're not watching him," Jackie said.
"Really?" Caitlyn couldn't stop the irrepressible tingle lhat ran down
her spine at this piece oi information.
"Yes, really. You like him, don't you?"
"Sure, I like him, but—"
"Don't worry, I'm not asking your intentions. But Matt is a great guy,
and I know deep down that he really wants a family of his own. He had a
hard childhood, very little love or support, and he's spent most of his
adult life focused on his career, which has made him a great reporter,
but I'm not sure it's done much for his loneliness. And I do
think he's lonely. He acts like he doesn't care, like he's the
proverbial rolling stone, but he never refuses a dinner invitation with
us, and since I got pregnant he's been so interested and concerned. I
sure would like to see him surrounded by a wife and kids of his own."
Caitlyn swallowed hard as a picture of Matt sitting on a couch with a
couple of kids on his lap came into her head.
"I'm sorry," Jackie said quickly. "I just made you uncomfortable,
didn't I? Me and my big mouth."
"It's fine, really."
"I'm a little protective where Matt is concerned. I don't want to see
him get hurt. He really has had
more than his fair share of pain."
"He told me a little about his childhood," Caitlyn admitted. "But I
think I'm in more danger of getting
hurt by Matt than vice versa."
"Don't be so sure. A man's heart can break, too, no matter what they
say. In fact, I think we're the stronger of the two sexes. Look at me.
In three weeks, I'm going to have to squeeze an eight-pound
baby out of
my body. What man could do that?"
Caitlyn laughed. "I don't know any."
"Talking about me?" Matt asked as he and David walked into the room.
"We've got better things to do than talk about you," Jackie lied. "I'm
just sorry we can't give you that night off. I think Emily wants
Caitlyn."
"Well, everyone wants Caitlyn," Matt replied.
Caitlyn felt a rash of heat flow across her cheeks at the look in his
eyes. Didn't he realize he was giving his friends the wrong impression?
Didn't he realize he was giving her the wrong impression? "I'm sure
Emily would probably just as soon have you holding her," Caitlyn said.
"She likes
Matt's big strong chest."
"All the women do," he replied with a grin. "But I'm not taking Emily.
Rule number one is never disturb
a sleeping child."
"Should I write this down?" David asked. "I didn't know there were
actual rules to parenting."
"Absolutely," Matt replied.
"What's rule number two?" Caitlyn inquired.
"Never answer a woman when she asks you what rule number two is."
David laughed. "That goes along with never answer a woman when she asks
you if she looks fat."
"Ha-ha," Jackie said, slipping her arm around her husband's waist. "You
just have to know the right answer, sweetie."
"You look incredibly thin, beautiful, and drive me wild with desire,"
David replied.
"Ah, I have taught you something." Jackie planted a smacking kiss on
his cheek.
They were so perfect together, Caitlyn thought wistfully, and in a few
weeks they would have a baby to make their family complete. The thought
jabbed at her like a knife. When would it end? When would she stop
looking at happy families and wonder, Why me? When the real question
was, Why not me? What made her so special? Nothing. She was just like
everyone else. She'd had an accident. It was no one"s fault, except
maybe her own. And she had to find a way to live with it.
"Let's go home," Matt said quietly, putting his arm around her and
Emily.
They were a family, Caitlyn thought suddenly. The three of them were a
family. Her body tightened
with an impossible wish—a wish that it would last. But where would that
leave
Sarah? And where would that leave Matt? They were the true family,
Matt, Sarah, Emily. Caitlyn was the interloper, the one who didn't
belong, but she wanted the wish anyway.
"Let's go home," she agreed. Maybe she wouldn't have tomorrow, but she
still had tonight. And if her accident had taught her anything, it was
that every moment counted.

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