Barbie Girl (Baby Doll Series) (14 page)

I walk down the red and white halls of Central thinking about what Third said. How Dylan can only see black and white. I am every color but black or white. I am a kaleidoscope of colors merging into a disoriented picture. I know what I have to do. A feeling of emptiness enters me. How could one person unravel me so? I so carefully made sure that I did not have any room left in my heart for anyone. I carefully built a fortress around my heart, but somehow he managed to slip in undetected. This is going to hurt. I have never let anyone hurt me before and now I am opening myself up for him to shatter me. I find Dylan at his locker; Katie is leaning against the neighboring one. Her foot planted behind her against the locker. Her perfectly pressed white shirt is tucked into a pair of designer jeans. Black and white. My bracelets clink together signaling my arrival. They both look up at me. Dylan’s eyes darken, angry for my interruption again, another perfect moment ruined by me.
Don’t worry I will not be around to ruin anymore
. This is the perfect time to do what I am about to do.

“Barbie,” he says my name with relief. Katie’s smile turns in to a thin pressed line. He steps away from her closer to me.
Too close
. I take a step back. “Look I am sorry I was an ass. I should have never said those things to you. I was wrong,” he says.

I wrap my arms around my middle holding myself together. Oh god let me get through this.
Please
. “Don’t.” I stop him from speaking. I will falter with his words, I cannot hear them.
I have to do this
. I want to step into his arms and have him hold me to whisper the words I desire to hear.

“No. It was not right, nobody should ever speak to you that way. I was feeling something that scared me, confused me. Barbie I think…”

Please don’t say it. I cannot hear it.
Please
say it.
Please
. The bell rings, a wave of students pour out of doors filling the halls, grabbing things out of lockers, slamming doors, talking to friends. Oblivious to the sound of my heart breaking I want to disappear into the crowd. Have them pull me away in the sea of people. I want to find the numb feeling I used to walk around with. Katie is watching us. If I am going to do this it has to be now. “Dylan we can’t do this anymore,” I raise my voice it sounds hysterical over the noise. A few people stop to watch. Most just push past me.

* * *

Barbie stands in front of me, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before but she is the most beautiful girl I have seen. Her hair falls in a long blond curtain around her shoulders; she is wearing a long black skirt that brushes the ground and a child’s
Big Bird
T-shirt that reveals the golden skin of her stomach. Her right hand is covered in blue ink with elaborate writing. Her words. I want to read each one, untangle the meaning behind them. The hall fills with the recently dismissed students, but all I can see is her, everyone else fades into the background. My heart is beating so loud I cannot hear anything but the rush of blood in my ears. She is saying something but I can’t hear. I am captivated by the movement of her mouth. If I can only concentrate on what is she saying? Barbie shakes her head, tears spill out of her beautiful, ocean blue eyes. I want to hurt whoever it was that made her cry. It was
me
. I hate myself for hurting her. There is too much space between us. I want to close it. I need to touch her, to feel her, breathe her in. I step toward her closing the distance. I wrap my hand around her wrist, electricity shocks me. Does she feel that? Her eyes go wide, but my other hand is in her hair pulling her to me before she can protest.

* * *

I am melting. Dylan is kissing me fast and desperately and I am kissing him back just as desperate, sparks travel down my body to my toes. I curl them trying to hold them in. The world around us has faded away and there is nothing left but the two of us. I grip onto the front of his shirt holding on tight, afraid to let go, afraid that I will wake up to find this all a dream. His arms warp around me pulling me close. Not close enough.

“Mr. Knight! Barbie!” Gregor’s shocked voice says behind us. “You two will be serving detention with me today.”

I feel Dylan’s lips spread in a smile
undermine
. “You are turning me into a rebel, two detentions in one day.”

I laugh. “Yes quit the rebel,” I say ignoring the glare coming from Gregor.

“I want to earn detention with you,” he laughs pulling me off my feet. His mouth finds mine again.

“This is not what I meant by tutoring,” Gregor says, “and I expect a passing grade on the next exam Miss Starr.”

“You can guarantee my girl is going to pass,” Dylan says as he sets me down. His girl, my heart beats erratically.

Gregor escorts us into the classroom separating us appropriately. He sends me to the back of the room and Dylan to the front. But that doesn’t keep Dylan from looking back at me, a cocky smile plastered on his face.

“Mr. Knight eyes forward.” I cover my mouth to stop the laugh that threatens to spill out of me.

“Sorry neck kink.”

I place my head down on the desk so I don’t get him in any more trouble than I already did. I run my finger over my swollen lips exploring them; they are still alive with sparks of electricity dancing on them.

“That was so hot!” The Goth girl from algebra leans over and whispers. “When you told him you didn’t deserve someone like him that you two were just too different for things to work out… I thought I was going to die.” She lets out a sigh. “But then the way he pulled you to him, kissing you like you were the last girl in the world. That was so romantic.” A dreamy look fills her eyes. “I thought that redhead was going to have an aneurism watching you two.”

Now I laugh. I forgot all about Katie, apparently so did Dylan. I smile I am so happy I don’t think I have ever been this happy in my life. These last few hours I have been on an emotional rollercoaster I still feel high from riding it. “He is so hot, you are so lucky.” I look at the front of the room were Dylan is looking back at me a crooked smile plastered on his face. “I am lucky.”

* * *

I stand in front of the bathroom mirror holding a stick of black eyeliner in my hand debating whether or not to put it on when I hear a crash and a high-pitch laugh coming from my mother. I drop the liner in the sink to go see what sort of intoxicated state she is in. I walk in the
kitchen;
Everett sits at the table enjoying a waffle; his feet swinging back and forth under the table. Ronnie is sitting to him, his hands carefully chopping at white powder on a plate.

“What are you doing?” I storm over and pull Everett out of the chair, trying to put as much space between him and Ronnie.

“Barbie, I have a headache,” my mother chastises me.

“So you need to do this, in front of Everett?” I spit gesturing where Ronnie continues at his task.

“Barbie you are overreacting. Taking it this way only helps it get in my system faster.”

Ronnie looks up at me the snake smile of his on his face. He and I both know she does not have a headache. I back out of the kitchen before I can hear my mother’s next excuses. Going back to my room I snatch a hoodie off the back of the door; so much for meeting up with Dylan. My stomach knots at the thought of Dylan waiting for me. “Ready buddy, it’s time to go.” What does Everett make of all this? I wish he could talk, tell me what to do. A few minutes later I knock on Ms. Sophie’s back door. It takes her to a while to get out of her chair to open the door, “Coming,” I hear from the other side. The first time we came over to Ms. Sophie’s I was so scared that she was going to call child protective service on us, or that someone would call the cops on Momma, but in our neighborhood the unspoken rule is mind your own business. My mother had been drinking more than normal; she said it was the stress of having two fatherless children. I tried to stay out of her way, be helpful as much as I could, but nothing seemed to help, so I took Everett out. We went to the park; and I got him an ice cream cone from the McDonalds down the street. It was almost midnight, when I headed back home. I carried Everett, who was dead on his feet. My mother had all the lights on in the house; she was throwing out anything that would break on the street. I stood there watching; I did not know what to do.

“She has been at it for hours,” Ms. Sophie said pink slippers shuffling up the driveway. I shift Everett to the other side. Ms. Sophie gave me a good long look. “Well come on in, he ain’t getting no lighter,” she finally said. I followed her slowly into her small house. We slept on her couch that night. It started becoming a regular thing for us. I would cook whatever little food she had in the fridge for her, dusting things she could not reach or see. Everett seemed to really enjoy Ms. Sophie and her ten cats who were all named after a member from the royal family.

“Barbie,” Ms. Sophie opens the door.

“Hi Sophie, you mind if you keep an eye on Everett for me?” I say bouncing on the heels of my feet.

I walk fast through the park. The night is warm, but I keep the hoodie zipped up to my neck. I am wearing old sweat pants and a sports bra, my body buzzes with anticipation at seeing Dylan. I asked him to meet me at the park behind my neighborhood. Tonight reminded me just how different we are. I don’t know how things are going to work between us; we live in two very different worlds. Today things changed so fast between us, I can barely wrap my head around it. I did not think clearly, letting the happiness of being with him cloud my judgment. I can still call things off. It would be for the best. Dylan sits on the hood of his old Ford Ranger. Any doubt I have disappears when I take him in. He slides down when he sees me.

“You look amazing,” he pulls me to him kissing me and I feel amazing. “Let’s get out of here.”

We break apart both gasping for air, my chest rising and falling with each breath. We lay in the back of my truck as we listen to the music that plays from the radio. I have never felt this way before, like I do when I am with Barbie. Like the world could end right now and I would be happy to watch it go as long as I am with her. Why did I fight these feelings for so long? How could I ever think anyone else was my perfect girl? She sits up and I trace patterns on her skin where the moonlight touches her.
She is mine
. My finger stops resting on a tiny scar on the small of her back. I don’t know her.
I want to know her
.

“How did you get this?” I ask.

She reaches around feeling the same spot I am, my hand tingling where we touch. “Roller-skating when I was ten,” she flops back down. Her head resting on my arm, my other hand follows the faint indention of her stomach down past her belly button turning back when it reaches the waist band of her pa
nts. A shivers runs through her,
“I wanted to be in the roller derby,” she smiles at me and I want to kiss her mouth.

“I told you about mine, now let me find one of yours so you can tell me about it.” She slides on top of me, my breath quickens. Straddling me, her finger searches my bo
dy, a moan slips out. “This one,
”
h
er fingers come to a rest on my forearm l
eaning down she kisses the spot. H
er tongue slightly flicker
s
the sensitive ski
n. I can’t think. I am spinning. A
ll I can think of is her on top of me.

“Um…” I brace myself holding onto her waist, as she waits patiently. Her eyes are glitter against the black night sky, brighter than any star.

“Scar,” she reminds me, amusement in her voice.

“The…scar?” I suck in a deep breath clearing my head. “Old battle wound. Third and I used to have Light saber fights, well he won that day.” She is touching the scar deep in thought. “What are we talking about again?” I ask. I am lost once again by how beautiful she is. I reach up pulling her down to me. We should be kissing, not talking.

“You are my wounded hero,” she laughs under my kisses. She moves her neck so I have full access to it. “You know I have never seen any of those movies.” She gasps as I place a line of kisses down her neck.

Trance broken. I sit up straight, my head clear of the fog. “What?” I asked shocked. I must have heard her wrong. “You
have
never seen
Star Wars
!”

She shrugs. “Nope,” m
y mouth is hanging open.

“What’s the big deal?” she says nonchalantly.

“The big deal! The big deal is I cannot make out with someone that has no knowledge of what takes place in a galaxy far, far away,” I joke.

“Oh I bet I can change your mind,” she says.

I want her to change my mind
. “I am sorry my lady but I have been trained in the Jedi ways. Your mind tricks will not work on me.” I tap my finger to my temple.

“Really?” she smiles a wicked smile at me. “Did I ever tell you about my other scar,” she trails a finger down her chest.
I am broken
.

Sunday afternoon I am waiting for Barbie to arrive. My mom is working a double at the hospital so I will not see her until tomorrow, and Dad picked up an extra shift at the office. So it is just me and the squirt, whom I banished to her room on the terms I will take her to Wal-Mart to buy her one of those dolls she is not allowed to have. If she promises to only come down if it is an emergency. The doorbell rings and I try not to seem desperate and race to the door. I wait, one, two, oh forget it. I jog over to the door. I need to see her. She stands on my front porch her hair in braids; I pull her into through the doorway and kiss her.