Barging In (20 page)

Dan was quiet for a long while. Robin had just about given up on an answer when it finally came.

“I don’t know. I think so. I was fucking petrified, but I couldn’t face losing you.” Dan’s voice cracked as he spoke. “Why’d you do it? Why didn’t you let go of him?”

Dan had been willing to face his fears. All for him. It was about time Robin returned the favour.

“I thought if I could save him, it would make up for Jamie. I’m ready to talk about him. If you still want to know.”

Dan just nodded, his lips set in a thin line.

“When we get back, I’ll tell you everything. I promise.”

Robin’s stomach knotted up. This was going to be much harder than plunging into a cold river.

This was terrifying.

Chapter Twenty

“We met at boarding school. My first day there. We were roommates, and he took it upon himself to show me all the shortcuts and the best places to sneak out for a smoke. He smoked like a fucking chimney if he got the chance.”

Dan watched Robin take another drag on his joint. They were in a clearing in the woods next to the boat, sitting side by side on a tarpaulin next to the fire they’d built. Close, but not touching. Robin didn’t seem to be able to meet Dan’s eyes and stared at the flames while speaking. They were out here because Robin had complained of feeling too claustrophobic inside. Probably best to be outside, anyway. Dan had a yearning for dry land after the day they’d had.

The river was still visible through the tree trunks, glittering amber with the setting sun. The evening’s chill would soon start creeping in around them. Dan threw a pine cone into the flames and watched it flare brightly as it shrivelled. Robin held the flask of rum out towards him, but he turned it down. He didn’t mind how much Robin needed to drink to get this out of him, but he wanted to remain clearheaded and give his best as a listener.

“I didn’t know what it was I felt for him at first. I mean, I’d always fancied girls, but I kept watching his mouth when he smoked. Kept wondering whether he’d taste like an ashtray if I kissed him. It was freaking me out, but I told myself I was definitely straight. Just a bit…homesick.”

Dan nodded. It was hard to imagine what being sent off to boarding school must be like. Tristan had told him it was a blast, but then Tris claimed he’d always known he was gay. Maybe this Jamie had been more like Tris.

“What was he like?” Dan asked.

“He was larger than life, you know? If he was in the room, everyone knew about it. He used to go on about how ADHD was just another term for party animal, but he’d get antsy if he’d been doing the same thing for more than a few minutes. Letting him fuck me was one way of keeping his attention on me for a little bit longer. He could concentrate on that all right.”

Had Robin just implied what he thought he did? Dan didn’t like to ask such a blunt question, so he just watched Robin’s face. A flush spread over those cheeks as Robin met his gaze.

“Yeah, he always topped. His stepfather had raped him. He said it would bring it all back again if he bottomed.”

“Were you happy with that? Must have been weird, if you still thought you were straight.”

Robin gave a wry smile. “I figured out I wasn’t straight the first time I tasted his cock. Nah, it was fine. It was good. It felt good.”

Robin’s eyes were watering. Dan’s heart clenched painfully. He hated seeing Robin undone like this. Hated the thought that this Jamie could have hurt him so badly.

“You loved him.” It wasn’t a question. It was obvious from every word Robin spoke.

“Yeah. Just goes to show what an idiot I am. Picked the one guy who was even more of a fuckup than me. He was so charming, though. Seemed so together. I thought he had it all figured out, the way he could talk about all those bad things that had happened to him. I didn’t know how much he was still hurting.

“I took him home that first Christmas. Mum couldn’t stand him. You should have seen the look on her face when she walked in on us together. That was my coming out. She sent him packing, and I followed him back to school. Didn’t go home for any holidays after that.

“I got my inheritance from my gran on my eighteenth birthday. We both left school that day and got on the train to London. Spent a few weeks in a bed-and-breakfast in Soho before we found this little flat to rent. I would have preferred somewhere quieter and cheaper, but Jamie loved it there. So many distractions. So many people. Just his sort of place.”

Robin ground to a halt. Dan’s mind buzzed with questions. Why the hell hadn’t Robin told him about living in London? And what on earth happened there? He desperately wanted to understand, but it was so hard seeing Robin suffering like this, his voice brittle, naked, raw.

“Things were great for a while. Jamie wasn’t capable of holding down a job, and my money was getting eaten up, so I had to find work, but that was okay. Had to work in a factory putting together executive desk toys, but I didn’t mind. So long as I had Jamie to come home to, it didn’t matter what I had to do. We’d go out clubbing every weekend. He’d flirt with other guys, but we always went home together. I thought we were solid…happy. Shows what I know.”

Robin’s mouth twisted in an ugly smile. Dan wanted to kiss it away. Wanted to tell him he didn’t have to carry on if he didn’t want to. Then again, maybe he needed to. Maybe Dan would just have to keep quiet and listen.

“I’d been working these awful shift patterns, doing lots of nights. I figured Jamie was just out down the pub with our mates—that’s where he said he’d been. Then one day it hurt to piss, and I had this discharge…” Robin took another drag of his joint before jumping up to pace around the fire.

Dan stayed seated but watched Robin closely. He was ready to leap up the moment Robin needed him. He just hoped he’d be able to tell when that moment arrived.

“The doctor told me I had the clap. He wanted to know if I’d been sleeping around, then said I should get Jamie in to see him so he could be treated too. He made it pretty fucking clear that Jamie must have been screwing around.” Robin turned to the trees and continued in a low voice. “You know what the worst thing was? If he’d asked me first, I probably would have said it was okay. I’m not saying I would have been happy about it, but if I’d known how hard it was for him to stick to one bloke, I’d have made allowances. It was…it was the betrayal. That was what really cut me up. He said he’d never promised to be exclusive.” Robin snorted derisively and shook his head. “Said he still loved me, but he couldn’t help himself. I asked for an HIV test and started getting really strict about condoms, even for oral. He hated that.”

It was all starting to make sense now. Robin’s paranoia about infection. His insistence on using those awful strawberry condoms. But there was more to come, Dan could see that. Robin’s shoulders were hunched up like he was being crushed under a heavy weight.

“He fell in with a bad crowd. At first it was just the booze, but he didn’t have any willpower, and they were all on smack. It slowed him right down—he didn’t even seem like my Jamie anymore. I used to get home from my shifts and find him crashed out with all his kit spread out around him. I was always worrying about stepping on infected needles. Things kept going missing, so I changed the PIN number to my account and kept my wallet on me all the time. He refused to see a drug counsellor. Said he was self-medicating because of his fucked-up childhood.” Robin’s voice wavered dangerously, and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself.

That was Dan’s cue. He got up and walked around to stand in front of Robin. It hurt to see those eyes brimming with tears.

“Come here,” he said, holding his arms out. Robin fell into them, and for a long moment, all he could hear was their uneven breathing. Dan buried his face in the crook of Robin’s neck. Dan had seen childhood friends fall to addiction before. It was hideous, what it did to them, how it ate them up from the inside out. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to watch someone you loved destroyed in that way.

When Robin started talking again, his voice was a rough whisper, barely audible above the hissing and crackling of the fire. Dan pressed his ear to Robin’s chest and felt the words fighting their way out.

“It was like living in a crack den. The squalor. I tried to keep things clean and look after him, but I had to go to work. Then one day…one day I was so tired I gouged my finger and got sent home early. The TV was finally gone. I’d been wondering how long it would take him to sell that, and I went into the bedroom to lay into him, only…only, he wasn’t alone. He was off his nut, being fucked by some mean-looking arsehole. At first I thought it was rape. Wanted to help him. But he was enjoying it. He was—” Robin broke off with a choked-back sob.

“You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to.” Dan kept his voice calm, his eyes fixed on Robin’s, trying to pull him back to the here and now. To the sky, fading to purple, and the dark trees and their warm circle of firelight.

Robin nodded, sniffed and blinked the tears out of his eyes. “I think I need another drink.”

Dan led Robin back to the tarp and sat, Robin settling between his legs and leaning back against him. Dan found the flask and handed it over, but not before taking a quick swig himself. He hadn’t realised how hard this would be. How ripped apart he’d be feeling after hearing Robin lay his life bare. He hoped he was giving at least the illusion of strength and capability, because right now he felt tattered and bruised by the raw emotions pouring out of Robin.

“How long ago was this?” he asked.

“Four years. Pathetic, right? I should be over it by now.”

“No, no. I was just thinking how young you must have been. That’s rough.”

“Yeah, you should hear the rest, then.” Bitterness warped Robin’s voice.

Dan pressed a kiss against the side of his head. “I’m listening.”

The words tumbled out. “I ran. I left him all alone and holed up at my parents’ place. I even changed my mobile number. Didn’t want anything to do with him. Told myself someone else would help him. If I wasn’t there, he’d go and get the professional help he needed.” Robin sniffed loudly and rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, right. Who was I trying to kid?

“It was six months later when he finally called their landline and I picked up. He told me he had HIV. He said it was my fault. Said he’d had to sell himself. Wanted to know why I’d left him to rot.

“His breathing sounded funny. Like he was falling asleep or ill or something.” Robin shivered, and Dan hugged him tight. “Said he’d taken an overdose. Said it felt like he was wrapped up in cotton wool. He laughed. That laugh…it sounded all wrong.

“I should have called an ambulance, but I just thought if I could keep him talking, it would all work out. That he’d pull through. I started talking about our school days. All those sneaky cigarette breaks and snogging on the fire escape. He remembered some of it. Said he fell in love with me back then. It was bullshit. He never said anything at the time.

“But then he slowed right down, and I was shouting at him, but he couldn’t hear me. They told me he was dead by the time the ambulance crew arrived. I’ve always wondered if…if the last thing he heard was me yelling at him. Calling him a selfish cunt.” Robin’s body quivered as he spoke. Dan could hear the tears welling up behind his words.

He sighed and rested his head on Robin’s shoulder.

“Have you been blaming yourself all this time?”

Robin gave a single nod. He didn’t seem able to speak. His body thrummed with tension.

“It wasn’t down to you. You didn’t force him into doing anything. He chose that course.”

“I let him down. I—”

“No you didn’t. You stuck by him all those years.” Dan’s voice was fierce. He needed Robin to understand this. “Fucking hell, Robin. You can’t carry on beating yourself up for this. There’s nothing you could have done to stop him. I’ve seen it happen to families round where I grew up. You might have been able to keep him going for a bit longer, but that’s it. People that fucked up always find a way of destroying themselves and bringing down everyone around them. At least this way you managed to keep yourself safe.”

Robin laughed, a harsh, croaking sound that turned into a sob.

Dan held him fast as the pain flowed out in jagged wails, welling up and spilling over and over and over until he was spent.

His head rested on Dan’s chest. Despite the rawness of his throat and eyes, Robin felt more peaceful than he had in a long time. Somewhere inside a door had been opened, a chink of light slicing through the darkness. Dan’s arms were still solid around him. Robin raised his head and felt Dan’s breath hot against his nape.

“For a minute there I didn’t think you were going to stop,” Dan whispered, nuzzling at his ear. “Thought I’d have to resort to distracting you with sex.”

Robin laughed, more from relief than at what Dan said. He snorted and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I’m a right fucking mess. Should probably just go stick my head in the river and have done with it.”

He felt Dan’s hands pull away from his body and turn his head.

“Nah, I like a bit of snot. Tastes good and looks even better.”

Robin managed a crooked smile. “Charmer.”

He risked meeting Dan’s gaze and saw that familiar lust glinting. But there was something more there this time. Something unlooked for that made his skin prickle and his thoughts reel. He shouldn’t read too much into this. He knew what kind of man Dan was. Here today, shagging someone else tomorrow. It was what made this safe—this intimacy. He couldn’t get hurt, because he certainly wasn’t going to fall for the bloke.

He knew, though. He knew as he twisted around to meet Dan’s lips with his hunger. This was more than just sex. This man in his arms had listened to it, all of it, and still thought he was a decent guy. Dan was still able to look at him with respect and understanding, and something more burning deep in those hazel eyes.

They crushed together, wild and needy. Robin pushed Dan back on the ground, straddling him and grinding against him. He craved Dan’s touch all over his skin to wipe away the chill of the river and the grime of his memories. He stripped off his shirt, heedless of the cold night air.