Battle Cry (26 page)

“It was very nice of you to take time to look me up. Do call me Gib. All of Milt’s friends do. I’ll put on some coffee.” She disappeared into the kitchen. Danny walked over to a picture of Nort. He was wearing his uniform. Nort didn’t look good in a uniform. It sort of hung on him. He wore his overseas cap straight on top of his head as if he were balancing a basket. Danny studied the picture till she returned.

“The cake is two days old, but I’m told that you fellows have cast-iron stomachs.”

Danny smiled. His inner tension had been relieved.

“Let’s see now, you’re Danny. He wrote about you. He was very fond of you.”

“I was fond of the professor…I mean Nort. Everybody was, Gib. He had a slow, easy way of looking at things that sort of made a fellow feel like—well, like he was talking to his dad.”

She lit a cigarette. “Milt was like that, Danny. This room used to be a madhouse, a dozen kids a night dropped in. People always felt at home around him, especially young people.”

“He…he was a great guy. I know how much of a loss it was.”

She managed a sad little smile and leaned back on the cushions. She spoke of Nort as though he were right this moment teaching at the university and she might expect to hear his footsteps coming up the stairs with the voice of laughing students trailing behind him.

“Gib, these bums followed me home, do you suppose we could feed them?” he would say; or “Gib, I’m worried about the Weber girl. She’s got all the brains in the world, but with her family trouble she’s liable not to come back to school next year. It would be a shame.”

Danny, now relaxed, spoke of their humorous adventures in boot camp with the two Texan drill instructors. Gib laughed and repeated a dozen times, “Poor Milt. Poor dear, I suppose he was a terrible Marine.”

Then they ran out of words. The quiet of the room fell over Danny. Nort was still here, in every book, in every messed-up paper.

“Milt told me about you, Danny, and your problem.”

“It is awful nice of you to think about me at a time like this. You’re a lot like Milt. He was always trying to give somebody a lift.”

He stood up and walked slowly towards the door, then turned. “Gib,” he said, “are you sorry—are you sorry, now?”

“What do you think, Danny?”

He shook his head.

She took his hand. “Thanks again for coming. It was very nice of you. Would you like to drop me a line once in a while and let me know how you are? All Milt’s boys keep in touch.”

“He loved you very much, Gib. I can see why.” Danny walked through the door.

“Good luck, Marine,” she said after him.

A feeling of warmth passed through his body. She was wonderful, like Nort was. She was him and he was her. Then, the warmth passed to a cold chill as he walked down the steps. He had left her alone. She was alone in that room. She would never hear Nort’s soft voice speak again. Never again would she anticipate the footsteps and the voices of the students. Dark nights…dark cold nights she must lie awake, fearing sleep, and mornings she must awaken and reach for him. He was gone. Nort was dead, under the ground on an island six thousand miles away. He was never coming back….

The lobby door shut and Danny paced quickly away from the place. He wanted to get on a plane and fly back to San Diego. He must not see Kathy…no, it wasn’t going to happen to her. A terrifying picture flashed through his mind…Mac was standing there in the living room, he was telling Kathy what a swell guy Danny used to be.

At last next day the moment came when his family was fully satisfied he was well and safe, and he could take leave of them. He backed the car from the garage and nervously headed for Kathy’s house.

The night had that sticky East Coast warmth. Wet heat. As he turned the car into Fairfax Avenue, he felt a strange sensation all over. The nights of dreaming, the days of waiting, the endless yearning would soon be over. He pulled the car to the curb and turned off the ignition. Only her house was as he had pictured it. Everything else in Baltimore—North Avenue, Garrison Junior High School, the park—seemed small and out of shape. Had he been gone only seven months? Strange, the vision and the reality were so far apart. He stepped from the car and put on his blouse. He must look right.

He stamped out an unfinished cigarette and wiped the dust from his shoes with the back of his trouser leg. He breathed deeply and walked to the steps, moving to the porch. He pushed the doorbell. The house was dark except for a dim light in the hallway. The emptiness gave him courage for a second, long ring. No one was home. Danny studied the situation, glanced at his watch. A foolish thought struck him. Maybe she is out on a date? No, crazy idea.

He walked to the porch glider, sat, and lit another cigarette. The heat was stifling. He took off his barracks cap, laid it carefully beside him and unbuttoned his blouse. His foot moved the glider into a slow creaky sway. Moments, seeming hours, passed. A car moving down the quiet street gave him a start…it passed by. Moments more…it was near ten o’clock.

Then, through the shadows beyond the reach of the streetlight came a faint clicking of footsteps. They were Kathy’s. They grew louder in rhythm with the wild pumping of his heart. He arose and saw her come into view. He tingled all over…he could see her…it was no dream. Beautiful Kathy…he wanted to rush down and seize her, but he stood frozen, like a numbed galoot, entranced and speechless.

He watched her move up the steps to the door. Then, as though there were voices in the night calling to her, she turned. Their eyes met and neither spoke.

“Danny,” she finally whispered.

“Hello, Kathy.”

“Danny…Danny.” And they stood in their places and gazed at each other. “I…we didn’t expect you till Tuesday. Why didn’t you phone?”

“I got a forty-eight-hour pass for a head start. Caught a plane. I wanted to surprise you.”

“I was at Sally’s. I…I…”

There was another period of awkward wordlessness. A strange tension inside them told them not to speak or the words would choke coming out.

“Would you…would you like to take a drive?” he said at last in a half whisper.

“Yes, I’ll leave a note for Mother.”

The car seemed to find its way over the familiar streets and into Druid Hill Park.

What was it that made me hold onto him, she thought. A sense of duty? Selfishness? Curiosity? What made me write those things to him in my letters? I told him things I knew I shouldn’t have, that no decent girl should write. What if my parents knew what I had written? What if Danny knew what I’ve been thinking? Why didn’t I try to stifle those thoughts. It has been an adventure, almost like a fairy tale…like make-believe, until now. He is here, beside me. He came so quickly…why didn’t he let me know?

They drove through the dark tree-bound roads and climbed toward an isolated little hill where lovers often went.

Gib, Nort, Elaine, Eliot, Ski…that damn crazy San Diego…the damn cursing barracks, he thought. I’ve been trying to find the right answer to all this but I’ve let myself slip further and further from her. Maybe it isn’t love, maybe I don’t know what it is, but I know the feeling inside me now. Maybe I’m afraid—that could be it. I’m afraid of the unknown and I’ve got to take her with me into it. Could needing her this way be love? All the thinking doesn’t seem to make sense now…her breathing is hard and I can feel her leaning up against me. We’ve been here before, but not like this….

The purr of the motor growled a little as the car shifted into second. A muffled voice spoke on the radio. A warm breeze rustled the trees and a quarter moon floated from behind a cloud to turn a dim golden light on the windshield.

The car stopped and he turned off the radio.

They were in each other’s arms, exchanging kisses and caresses quietly, their faces pressed together. He felt her tears on his cheek.

(It’s no use. It’s no use trying to think any more. I can’t help myself…I can’t speak…anything. I love him…I can’t stop myself.)

He held her tightly and the only words were her name over and over.

(Why can’t I tell you? Why can’t I say I’ve thought about this till it has nearly driven me crazy? Can it be true that you want me now like I’ve wanted you? Why don’t you stop me? Kathy, stop me…stop me…I don’t want to hurt you….)

His arm reached over her shoulders and his hand went beneath her blouse. She closed her eyes as he touched her breast.

“Danny, Danny, I do love you! Please, darling…”

For a moment they calmed, tottering on the brink, as their flashing thoughts tried to stabilize their mounting passion. Then, all reason was drowned in a surging swell of feeling.

Good God, it’s no use fighting….

His hand traced the line of her hips and slid down her thigh and he reached beneath her skirt. She raised her body to him so they were crushed against each other. Slowly he lowered her down on the seat of the car.

“Kathy….”

“It’s all right, darling, it’s all right.”

His body became rigid. She could feel his muscles straining and quivering as he clenched his teeth and his fists, then shook his head. He sat bolt upright, grasped the steering wheel, and flicked on the radio.

The sweat poured off his body. It took several moments for his breathing to return to normal. The spell had been shattered. Calmly he reached for a cigarette. “I’m sorry Kathy, I didn’t mean to…go that far.”

She leaned against the opposite door, curled away from him. Her eyes were misty. “I suppose you think I’m…no good.”

“Don’t say that…don’t ever say that. Don’t you know how I feel about you? It was my fault. I should have my teeth kicked out.” He took a long puff of his smoke. “We were just carried away, we’ll just have to be more careful. I’m sorry, Kathy.”

“I’m not,” she whispered.

He turned, amazed. “When you went away,” she said, “I didn’t really know how I felt. I suppose I was selfish. I didn’t want to give you up. Maybe it was the glamour of it. I don’t know…but when you were gone I felt something inside me that I never felt before. Something eating away at me all the time. All I knew was that I wanted you back—all I could think of was you. Maybe…maybe we’re awfully young, maybe we don’t know what love is. I only know that when a girl feels the way I do…if it isn’t loving someone, then no girl was ever in love.”

She turned her eyes away from him. He wanted to reach out once more and take her in his arms, but he knew he dare not touch her again.

“Can’t you see? We haven’t any right…Kathy, do you think I love you so little that I’d do anything to hurt you?”

She stiffened and faced him again. He had never seen her look as she did this moment. There was something grim, fiery, something far removed from her usual calm sweetness. Her voice was mature and filled with authority—the voice of a woman, not a girl. “I’m going to tell you something. It’s hard for me to say, but I must. When you went away, neither of us really knew how it would turn out. But we fell in love…you love me, don’t you, Danny?”

“You know I do.”

“When I found out you were coming home, I thought hard about it. What would happen? I decided, a long time ago, that when you came back…that…that I had nothing that wasn’t yours.”

Her words knifed through him. It must be hard for her to say this, think this.

“What do you think of me now, Danny?”

“I think you’re the most wonderful girl that ever lived. Kathy, if things were different, if there were no war…don’t you see?”

“No, I don’t! I only see that we love each other and in two weeks you’ll be gone and I’ll start wondering and waiting and lying awake nights.”

“We can’t, Kathy, I want to be fair to you.”

“Then be fair. You owe it to me to love me. I only want to try to make you happy.”

“Kathy, Kathy…I’m all mixed up.”

“Oh, Lord,” she cried, “I don’t know what made me talk like this. It’s only that I love you so.”

“Dammit! We’ve got to get ahold of ourselves. It isn’t right. Do you think I don’t want to? Look, honey, don’t you understand that if it were any other girl in the world…but not you, not you.”

“And what are we going to do? Hide from each other for two weeks?”

He slumped down in the seat and tried to think. She had offered herself…in Dago he had dreamed of it till he was nearly crazy. He had longed for it. Everything was out of balance—it didn’t add up to happen like this. “Suppose you have a baby?”

“Danny, you love me, the way I love you?”

“Yes, darling.”

“Then, let’s get married. Let’s get married tomorrow.”

“No no, no no!” Why didn’t he go back to San Diego? Why did he have to look at her and touch her? “I’ve got nothing, no roof, no job, nothing…what can I give you?”

“Two weeks,” she said, “that’s more than a lot of people have.”

He grabbed her shoulders tightly. “Kathy, it may be two, three, four years. Think! I might never come back…remember that. I might never come back.”

“I don’t care. You’re here now, I love you. I love you.”

“Did you ever see a girl whose husband got killed? I did, just yesterday. It tears the gut out of you. Do you want to swap a lifetime of grief for two lousy weeks?”

“And suppose you leave, Danny…and we don’t love each other, and you don’t come back? And you leave me to a lifetime of wondering. All my life I’ll say: We had two weeks, I could have loved him, I could have made him happy. Give me that, Danny, I have to have it…oh God, tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. I don’t know any more, I just don’t know.”

“Don’t look at me that way, Kathy, I didn’t start this goddam war.”

An unclimbable wall all around them. Two weeks…then years…maybe forever. He had to go back. Why? Why?

They were limp and silent from spent tension. He softly took her to him and felt her warmth. His lips touched her cheek. They held each other, their eyes closed. He was only human, there was no other way.

“Your parents are going to kick up a fuss.”

“They can’t stop us.”

“Do you realize…you’re going to be my wife?”

“Yes, Danny.”

“Sounds kind of funny, doesn’t it?”

“We won’t be sorry, Danny.”

“It’s crazy.”