Battle Hymns (26 page)

“It’s fine. I often ask myself the same
question.”

Charlotte mustered a big smile. “Well, I’m glad
you’re not fighting in the war anymore. Otherwise I wouldn’t get to
spend all this time with you.”

Will returned her smile, though halfheartedly, and
placed his hand back on her knee. “I certainly enjoy seeing you. I
wish it were more often than once a week.”

“Me, too.”

Natalie and John reappeared from their tête-à-tête.
“Hey, sorry if I came across as rude,” John said with a glance
toward Natalie. “My time in the Army hasn’t exactly sharpened my
manners. Anyway, I got us a couple more drinks. Something
stronger.” He set a glass of clear liquid and ice in front of Will.
“Hope you like gin.”

Will picked up the tumbler and clinked it against
John’s. “Cheers.”

He knocked it back immediately.

John plopped into his chair and laughed. “Well, you
drink like you’ve been in the war. I can respect that.”

Natalie’s lips flattened in disapproval, and she
reached for her beverage.

Thankfully, the rest of their group arrived only
minutes later. Sandra and Evelyn apologized for their tardiness.
They introduced themselves to Will and said their hellos to John.
Frankie soon joined them, and they pulled up extra chairs to the
table and ordered drinks from the bar. To Charlotte’s chagrin, Will
ordered and finished a second gin on the rocks.

“I wished Charlotte would’ve been interested in me
when I was at the AMC,” Frankie joked after Charlotte explained
again how she and Will had met. “I can’t blame her, though. Not
only was I dressed in a hospital gown, I was also unable to walk.
How pathetic! But she introduced me to Sandy, so in the end, I’m a
happy man.”

Will smirked. “I was also pathetic.”

Frankie turned to John and continued their
conversation. Charlotte frowned and placed a hand on Will’s arm. He
ignored the gesture.

“Can you tell us what it was like over there?”
Frankie asked John.

John pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
Smoking was a new habit he’d apparently picked up in the Army. He
brought a cigarette to his lips and offered the pack to the group.
Frankie and Evelyn accepted, and the rest declined.

John eyed Will. “Not a smoker?”

“I quit in the hospital.”

John shrugged and addressed Frankie’s inquiry. “Well,
it’s probably not too different from what you’d imagine. You’ve
seen the movies.” He lit his cigarette and took a drag. Smoke
billowed from his nose and mouth as he laughed. “Except it’s real
and shells are flying past your ear.”

Evelyn’s eyes grew wide. “Weren’t you afraid?”

“I find it helps to confront the fear head on,” John
replied.

Will rose from his seat. “I’m getting another drink.
Anyone else?”

John held up his empty glass. “I’ll have
another.”

Charlotte followed Will to the bar. “Darling, don’t
you think you’ve had enough? You never drink this much. Not since
I’ve known you, at least.”

“I’m fine.” He caught the attention of the bartender.
“Do you want anything?”

She shook her head. “I’m not in the mood.”

The bartender filled two glasses to the brim, and
Will returned to the table with Charlotte, drinks in hand. His gait
was unsteady, more so than his usual limp. He would be in no state
to dance with her later. She sighed. At least she could spend time
with him tomorrow if tonight was a bust.

When they rejoined her friends, John regaled the
group with humorous tales of his adventures with Nick in training
and the North African desert. Some of the stories were ones Nick
had described in his letters, some were new. No matter how
entertaining, Charlotte wished he’d stop talking about Nick.

Will stared into his drink the entire time, his eyes
glazed over. He wouldn’t look at her, even when she touched his
knee beneath the table.

Finally, she’d had enough. She pushed back her chair.
“I’m going to visit the ladies’ room.”

Sandra also stood. “I’ll join you.”

A line snaked along the wall to the restrooms.
Charlotte took her place at the end and leaned against the wall,
thankful for the reprieve. The evening couldn’t get any worse.

Sandra waited behind her in line. “So, Will’s quite a
dish in a brooding and mysterious kind of way. That can be
attractive.”

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “The problem is he’s not
brooding and mysterious. He’s drunk . . . not the
impression I wanted him to make tonight.”

Sandra shrugged. “Well, I’ll give him the benefit of
the doubt. Everyone has a bad night once in a while. It looks like
John’s having a bad night, too. Speaking
of . . .”

John approached them as the line moved forward.

Charlotte exchanged a confused look with Sandra and
pointed across the room. “The men’s room is on the other side.”

“I need to talk to you.” John’s slurred speech
suggested he was as drunk as Will. His lips turned downward. “Don’t
you want to know how Nick died?”

Charlotte narrowed her eyes. She’d finally been able
to put Nick’s death behind her, and she resented John for broaching
the subject. “Why would you ask me that?”

John sneered. “I’m sorry. I figured his fiancée would
want to know about his demise.”

“I know how he died. He was killed by enemy fire on
patrol.”

“But you don’t know why.”

Charlotte grabbed his arm and led him away from
Sandra and the rest of the line. The only quiet place for them to
talk was outside the dance hall. She flung open the doors and
entered the cold night. The awning overhead shielded them from the
falling rain.

She set her hands on her hips and glared at John. She
vacillated between sending him inside to Natalie and letting him
explain himself. Would it make any difference why Nick was killed?
The knowledge wouldn’t bring him back. At the same time, she was
curious, and John clearly wasn’t about to drop the matter.

“Well?”

John’s shoulders slumped. “It was my fault.”

Charlotte relaxed her stance. “John, it wasn’t your
fault. You were his best friend and comrade, not his enemy. You
didn’t kill him.”

John’s gaze fell to the sidewalk. “We were on a
reconnaissance patrol together, along with two other guys. And I
disobeyed orders. I drove us too far into enemy territory. Nick
warned me, and I didn’t listen. And he was killed, not me.”

The magnitude of responsibility John had carried
since Nick’s death brought tears to her eyes. “You couldn’t have
known that would happen.”

He jerked up his head. “Why aren’t you angry?”

She matched his sharp tone. “What are you looking
for? Someone to punish you?” Nearby patrons scrutinized them. She
lowered her voice. “I won’t do that. You’ve punished yourself
enough.” She pointed to the entrance. “Now, go inside and find
Natalie. I’m sure she’s looking for you.”

John pulled on the door handle and waited for
Charlotte to reenter the dance hall. When she hesitated, he asked,
“Aren’t you coming in?”

The hall was far too noisy, and her head ached. She
dipped her chin and rubbed her temples. “Give me a few minutes. You
go on.”

“Hey, Charlotte?”

She looked up. John stood in the doorway.

“I’m truly sorry.” With a dejected glance to the
night sky, he disappeared into the building.

Charlotte rested against the brick façade and
squeezed her eyes shut. Images of Nick and John patrolling the
desert popped into her imagination.

Nick in his uniform.

Nick under fire.

Nick shot down.

She inhaled a deep breath and focused instead on
Will. Not the Will who was currently drinking himself into
oblivion, but the Will from every other day. The one who made love
to her. The one who showered her with endearments. The one who
helped her when she needed it the most.

“Are you all right?”

She reopened her eyes. Will stood in front of her
wearing his jacket and hat, as though he were about to leave. His
green eyes were dull and bloodshot.

Charlotte nodded. “I’m fine.”

He shrugged out of his jacket and offered it to her.
She accepted.

“John told me I could find you out here. What’s going
on?”

“He wanted to explain the details of Nick’s death. He
blames himself.” She sighed and stepped forward, placing her hands
on his shoulders. “Darling, let’s get out of here and go somewhere
alone together . . . anywhere. I need to get away
from this place.”

“Charlotte, I need to go home.”

“Oh, come on. It’s early and I don’t get to see you
during the week.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her
lips to his.

Will didn’t kiss her back.

She backed away from him, scowling. He’d never
refused her before. “Why are you acting this way?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and glanced down
at the sidewalk, avoiding her stare. “Charlotte, I don’t think I
can ever live up to your expectations.”

“What do you mean? We’ve never discussed
expectations.”

“You know what I mean.”

Her voice trembled. “No, Will, I don’t.”

He met her gaze. “Last year, you were going to marry
another man. From what I keep hearing, he was everything I’m not.
He’s your expectation.”

Charlotte shook her head.

Will persisted. “I’m a coward. I hobble when I walk.
My nightmares frighten you. I’m never going to have a family to
accept you. I have hideous scars—”

“I don’t care about those things! I love you, and I
refuse to listen to your self-abasements for a second longer.”

“You deserve better.”

Charlotte held her head high. “You know what? You’re
right. You’re nothing like Nick.” She shoved her forefinger on his
chest. “Nick wouldn’t have pitied himself. He wouldn’t have gotten
drunk, making an appalling first impression on my closest friends.
Nick would’ve been confident in my feelings toward him.” She
removed his jacket from her shoulders and pushed it into his hands.
“If you want to go home, you should.”

Will tipped his hat and retreated into the rain.

By the time he reached the next block, Charlotte
regretted her words.

“Will, wait!” She scrambled after him, past the merry
couples spilling from the dance hall and into the rain. She caught
up with him. Raindrops dripped from her forehead down to her
chin.

He frowned. “You’re going to catch a cold.” He put
his jacket around her shoulders again. “Keep it for tonight.”

Charlotte gazed up at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
what I said.”

“You did, though.” He sighed. “And you’re right.
Something needs to change.”

“What about us? Are we all right?” she asked.

Will shrugged. “It’s up to you.”

“I love you, and I want to be with you. Do you still
love me?”

His expression softened. “Of course I do.”

She smiled. “That’s all I needed to know.”

Will took her into his arms and finally kissed her
with the intensity she’d awaited all week, one that made her
rational thoughts fade into oblivion.

She placed a hand to his cheek. “You should go home
and sleep off the alcohol.”

“And you should get dry.” He kissed her again, this
time on the forehead. “How about we see each other tomorrow? I’ll
give you a call in the morning. Maybe around ten?”

She nodded. “I’ll look forward to it.”

Will continued walking in the direction of the bus
stop, a dark shadow fading into the rainy night.

Charlotte returned to her friends. Natalie, John, and
Evelyn were the only ones who remained at the table. She collapsed
into her seat and took a gulp of the drink she’d nursed all night.
All eyes were on her. Her hair was limp and damp, her makeup was
ruined, and Will’s jacket was still wrapped around her
shoulders.

“What in the world happened to you?” Natalie asked.
“And where’s Will?”

“He went home.”

John didn’t look up from his drink.

Natalie stood and pushed Charlotte’s pocketbook into
her hands. “We should leave. You must be freezing, and I’m not
having any fun.” Natalie glanced at John and sighed. “I guess I’ll
have to drive you home, too. Evelyn, do you want to leave with
us?”

“Please,” she said.

They found Sandra and Frankie on the dance floor and
said good-bye. After retrieving their coats, John led them to where
he’d parked. He handed the keys to Natalie. Charlotte and Evelyn
slid into the backseat while John sat up front. Natalie drove them
slowly through the rain, and minutes later, parked at the curb in
front of the dormitory.

“Good night,” John said as Charlotte and Evelyn
stepped onto the sidewalk.

The car pulled away and they went inside.

“Are you all right?” asked Evelyn.

“I’m fine . . . I think. Thanks for
coming tonight.”

Charlotte returned to her room. She stripped off her
damp dress, wrapped herself in a bathrobe, and ran a hot bath in
the bathroom down the hall. Within minutes, she submerged herself
in the soapy water. The warmth enveloped her limbs and torso and
soothed her frazzled nerves. She relaxed her neck against the cool
porcelain and stared at the ceiling tiles.

The night had not gone as planned. She and Will were
supposed to have a grand time. She should’ve danced the night away
while he whispered endearments into her ear. Instead, it’d been a
near disaster. At least she’d been able to salvage their
relationship.

“
You deserve better.
”

Those were the words that knotted her stomach until
she felt ill. She’d made her feelings plain to him, and yet he
believed himself undeserving, living in the shadow of her late
fiancé. She’d been careful not to talk about Nick with Will in
order to avoid this situation, and it’d backfired. In doing so, she
never conveyed to Will the depth of her appreciation for him.