Be My Baby (15 page)

She'd better go back and apologise.

She picked up her handbag and realised she could hear a faint ringing from inside. Luke? She scrabbled to find her mobile phone amidst the pens, receipts and packets of tissues. At least, inside her handbag, life was going on as normal.

She finally tugged it free and almost forgot to answer it when she saw who it was on the caller ID.

‘Mum?'

‘Gabrielle.'

Gaby quickly pushed past a couple of people milling around the hotel entrance and stepped out on to the street. It was quieter out here and she'd be able to hear her mother better, although why she was phoning was a mystery. They hadn't talked since Justin's party.

Even to her own ears her voice sounded wary. ‘What can I do for you, Mum?'

Her mother hesitated. This call was getting stranger and stranger. Her mother never normally wasted time when she had an opening to lecture.

‘I wanted to call to see how you were.'

Ah-ha! Checking up on her.

‘And to apologise.'

Gaby dropped the phone, but managed to catch it between her hand and her knee. ‘I'm sorry, Mum. What was that?'

Her mother sighed. ‘Justin and I had a chat the other day. He was very angry with me after his party, you know.'

No, she didn't know. She hadn't heard from Justin either. She'd just assumed she'd been branded the black sheep of the family and left to her own devices.

‘I haven't talked to Justin recently.'

‘Oh. Well…your big brother decided to tell me a few home truths.'

Justin? Mr Nice Guy? No way!

‘I don't know what to say, Mum…Thank you, I suppose. I appreciate the apology.'

‘I've never meant to hurt your feelings, Gabrielle.'

‘I know, Mum.' She just couldn't help herself.

‘I just want what's best for you and sometimes…sometimes you seem so directionless. I didn't want you to waste your life when you have so much potential.'

Her mother thought she had potential? That was news!

‘I'm a big girl now. I can make my own decisions.'

‘That's what your brother said. He said I need to realise you're not like me, that you want different things out of life.'

‘He's right, Mum. I do.' Only the thing she wanted most was slipping through her fingers.

‘I might not agree with your choices always, dear, but I'll try hard to respect them. You'll just have to tell me to keep my nose out.'

Gaby giggled. ‘Thanks, Mum. I'll bear that in mind.'

‘Good. Well…just don't let that David ruin the rest of your life. You should never let a man tell you who to be.'

Or your mother, Gaby added silently. Although those days might be over, with any luck.

‘That nice doctor you were with at the party seemed very keen on you.'

‘I know. I'm just not sure—'

‘Well, don't hang about, Gabrielle. At your age—'

‘Mum!'

‘Okay. Point taken. Nose out.'

Gaby felt a rush of love for her mother. It had taken guts to make this call. She knew how much Mum hated to be wrong. It was practically a phobia.

‘I love you, Mum.'

Did she detect a slight sniff? ‘I love you too, dear. Now, I'd better go. Your father's misplaced his reading glasses and he'll be hell to live with if he can't do his crossword.'

 

Luke sat in the dark, straining for the sound of Gaby's car. Heather was in bed and the house was completely silent. Except he could almost hear the echoes of Gaby's accusations whispering in the darkened corners.

She was right, of course. He was a caveman.

No good at understanding women. Boring. Too stuffy. Too controlling.

And then he realised it wasn't Gaby's shouts he could hear, but Lucy's. All those things she'd screamed at him in the final weeks of their marriage. He remembered each and every syllable. They'd stung, and he'd had plenty of thinking time in the years that had followed to mull them over.

‘You're no fun any more, Luke,' she'd complained. And, if that had been true then, how much more so now? He wasn't even the same man he'd been back then. He was damaged, and they way he'd been reacting in the last few weeks—and especially tonight—just proved how much.

Gaby didn't need a man like him. She'd had to deal with enough of that kind of stuff in her first marriage. Listen to him! First marriage? As if there were going to be a second.

Of course, there might be another marriage in Gaby's future. Just not to him. He'd had the sense he was losing her for weeks now, hadn't he? Well, things had changed. He'd known from the way she'd looked at him tonight that he'd already lost her. It was just a matter of time before she handed in her notice and disappeared from his life for good.

He would miss her terribly. Not the prim and proper Gaby of recent times with her nail varnish and flat hair, but the warm and giving Gaby who had been happiest walking along the beach her hair in a mess and the most dazzling smile he'd ever seen on her blusher-free cheeks.

Perhaps it was better this way. She wasn't the woman he'd thought she was. And, if he was right about that, he would mourn the idea of Gaby rather than her living counterpart, who was doing her best to be every bit as shallow as his adoring dead wife.

 

Gaby dropped her bag and her hand flew to her chest. Her heart was thumping like a drum.

‘Luke! You gave me a fright! What are you doing, sitting here in the dark?'

‘Waiting for you.'

‘Oh.'

She sat down on the edge of one of the armchairs, bottom only just making contact, knees together. She rested her hands on top of her knees and waited. Neither of them thought to switch a light on.

‘I have some news.'

This is it! He's going to fire me, as both nanny and girlfriend. ‘Okay.'

‘I had a call from the police this afternoon.' His voice was completely emotionless. ‘They've arrested someone for Lucy's murder.'

Her eyes widened and she gripped her knees hard. For all her verbal freedom earlier on, she couldn't think of a thing to say. And then the penny dropped.

‘Oh! So this is why you were late and…'

Her eyes were becoming accustomed to the dark and she could see him nodding.

All those things she'd said! She'd behaved atrociously, hadn't even given him a chance to explain. And all because he had been a little late home. It had seemed so important at the time, but now, in contrast to Luke's news, it all seemed so petty.

‘I'm sorry.'

‘It wasn't your fault. Don't apologise.'

Gaby's heart squeezed inside her chest. He sounded so distant, horribly calm. This wasn't Luke! Where was the shouting and simmering? The news of Lucy's killer must have hit him hard. He must be grieving all over again.

‘How are you feeling?'

He let out a short, barking laugh. ‘I'll survive.'

Gaby looked at her hands. Even in the dark she couldn't look him in the eyes. ‘Luke? I'm sorry about what I said too…'

‘You didn't say anything that wasn't true.'

She was on her feet instantly. ‘Oh, no! I was angry, but it wasn't really you I was angry with. Oh, I don't know how to explain it all…I hardly understand it myself. It's just it had been a long time coming and I finally snapped.'

Luke was standing too. ‘Like I said, I'll survive.'

He went to walk past her. She grabbed his arm. ‘Luke? Please!'

He turned to look at her, his face hidden as the light seeping under the lounge door made him a tall, dark silhouette. She suddenly realised she didn't have anything to say, she just didn't want them to part like this. It felt as if they were standing on opposite sides of the river with a great torrent rushing between them.

And, as if he understood, Luke leaned forward and pressed the barest of kisses on to her cheek. She shivered. His lips felt unbearably cold.

O
DD
, how an apology could sometimes thicken the ice rather than thaw it. But that was what seemed to have happened, Gaby thought, as she drove Heather home from school a few days later.

On the surface, she and Luke were all smiles and politeness, but underneath currents tugged and pulled them in different directions. Their relationship was drowning and there seemed to be nothing she could do to throw it a lifebelt.

They were both trying, to be sure. They said hello in the morning, sat and chatted in front of the TV in the evening, even kissed each other goodnight, but it all felt like an act. They might be trying, but they weren't succeeding.

Gaby didn't even feel like straightening her hair or slapping on the make-up any more, but she kept doing it anyway. To stop felt like admitting defeat.

How she longed to shove on her jeans and stuff her hair into a band any old how. But she couldn't do that, because Luke was watching. Not just the normal kind of watching, where you noticed if someone came in or left the room. Luke was watching her intently. Everything she did, everything she said. As if he were waiting for a sign. And it made her feel boxed in, trapped.

The only thing she could think of was that, when he watched her, he could see the differences between her and Lucy and it was driving a wedge even further between them. She'd stopped trying to live up to Lucy's memory; she was never going to reach the mark. It was time to stop pretending.

When they got home and Heather had run inside the house, she went to sit on the terrace. The sky was overcast and the wind bit into her face. She hunched up her shoulders and dug her fists into her pockets.

And when she could resist the idea that had been floating round her head no longer, she picked up her mobile phone and dialled the Bright Sparks Agency's number.

 

Luke could tell by the footsteps outside his study that it was Gaby. He looked up and waited for her knock.

‘Come in.'

How formal he sounded.

She pushed the door open and he indicated she should sit in the seat in front of his desk. It was almost as if he were at work seeing a patient, so stiff was the atmosphere.

The one thing that gave him a glimmer of hope was Gaby's clothes. She wore a faded pair of jeans, a long-sleeved top and nothing on her feet. His heart skipped a beat. Had whatever game she'd been playing ended?

‘Luke, we need to talk.'

‘I know.' He knew he had plenty to say to her. He'd been stupid to keep it all bottled up. He should have learned from his experience with Heather that a little openness and honesty went a long way.

‘I'm leaving.'

He closed his eyes and opened them again slowly. Leaving?

‘When?'

That's right. Let all the feelings come spilling out, he thought sarcastically.

She looked at the hands in her lap. ‘Friday.'

He stood up. ‘Friday? That's only three days from now!'

‘I know.'

‘But what about Heather? You can't leave us in the lurch like this!'

Yes, shouting at her was going to make her stay.

‘I'm not!' Her eyes clearly showed the pain at his accusation that she would do anything to hurt Heather. ‘I phoned the agency and they're sending a replacement on Monday morning. She's very good, got all the best references.'

‘I don't flipping want the best references! I want you!'

She looked at him as if they both knew the sell-by date on that phrase was well and truly expired. ‘No, you don't, Luke. Not really.'

‘Gaby!' He skirted the desk, came to sit on the edge in front of her and gently covered her hands with his. ‘That's not true. You know it's not true.'

She looked him square in the eye. ‘I'm not the woman you want me to be, Luke.' Her gaze was steady.

My God, she actually believed what she was saying! How had he let things get this bad? It was his own stupid pride that had kept him from saying anything until it was too late.

‘Don't say that,' he whispered, feeling a dangerous stinging at the back of his eyes. ‘You are.'

She shook her head. So determined. This wasn't what he'd expected from her at all. He wasn't sure whether to be angry at her for giving up on him, or very, very scared that what she was saying was true. He looked deep into her eyes. They were filling up with tears, the sheen bringing out amber flecks he'd never seen before.

‘I'm not.' A fat tear rolled down her cheek and her voice wavered. ‘I've tried to be. I've tried really hard…' Her voice croaked into nothing. She opened her mouth to speak and her bottom lip wobbled so much she had to shut it again.

He pulled her up with one quick tug on her hands and hauled her into his arms. He could feel her shaking against him and he buried his face in her hair. The thought he'd never smell that delicious mixture of fresh air and daisies again was almost too much. It was just as well she couldn't see the tear that had squeezed itself out the corner of his eye against all his efforts to make it stay put.

‘Stay, Gaby. Please, stay.' He peppered her hair with tiny kisses and felt, rather than heard, her sob against her chest. While she was incapable of saying the words he dreaded, he took the opportunity to do everything in his power to make her change her mind.

His hands moved up to her jaw line and he tipped her face upwards, kissing first her forehead then her eyelids, tasting the sweet saltiness of her tears. She whimpered and curled her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

He kissed her without restraint. Now was not the time for holding back. She felt it too, he could tell. There was a quiet kind of desperation in the way they tasted each other.

She had to stay! He couldn't live without this, the sweet taste of her lips, the warm beat of her heart. He needed her more than he'd needed anything in his life before, more than food, more than air.

So what if they'd made all kinds of rules? That was before she'd announced she was deserting them. To hell with holding back! If this was the only way she'd respond to him, he'd use all the weapons in his arsenal.

He ran his hands down her torso and heard her gasp. His fingers found the hem of her top, pushed underneath it and found skin so soft he couldn't help but explore it.

Gaby's hands were no longer hooked round his neck, but undoing the top buttons of his shirt. And then things got rather hazy. All he was aware of was her hands and lips on him and vice versa. His shirt was somewhere on the floor and so was her T-shirt. The feeling of her bare skin against his chest was driving him crazy. The sensation of her teeth on his earlobe almost sent him completely over the edge.

He reached for the hooks on the back of her bra and breathed a silent thank you that her choice in underwear was as uncomplicated as the rest of her wardrobe. He slid one strap off and kissed the flesh of her shoulder. She stiffened against him.

‘What?' he murmured, the fingers of the other hand sliding under the other strap and sending it the way of the first.

‘Luke, stop.'

He kissed a trail from her shoulder to her ear, then paused. ‘Seriously?'

‘Yes.' Her voice was shaky, but that horrible determination was back.

‘Why?'

She folded her arms across herself and stepped back. ‘You can't really think this is a good idea?'

He looked at her. Didn't know what to say. It had been the best idea he'd had at the time. Did that count?

She frowned and shook her head. ‘You're not going to make me stay this way, Luke. It would only make things worse.'

It would? From where he was standing things had been going a whole lot better than they had been for the last few weeks.

Her voice was a whisper as she bent to pick her top up from the floor. ‘You know it's a bad idea. It doesn't change anything between us. It would only make things more painful in the long run, for us and for Heather. It's better to make a clean break now before anyone gets too attached, too involved.

I already am too involved, he wanted to scream. I love you! You can't get much more involved than that.

Instead he turned away slightly while she pulled her top over her head.

‘You can't make me stay this way, you know. It's not playing fair.'

‘I wasn't—'

‘Yes, you were. You were manipulating the situation, capitalising on a weakness.'

‘I thought all was fair in love and war.' That was a stupid thing to say. But he was embarrassed because she was right—he had been playing dirty.

He looked at his shirt on the floor, but refused to pick it up. He was going to make this as hard on her as possible. He decided on another tack.

‘What about Heather? She's going to be devastated if you leave.'

He saw pain and irritation flash in her eyes. Good. Keep her off balance.

‘I know she's going to be upset, but she'll get through it. You've got each other now. It's better I go before she guesses there was anything more between us.' She gave him a hard look. ‘You're still not playing clean, Luke.'

‘What do you expect?'

She sighed, looking suddenly very weary. ‘Nothing else, I suppose.' She shrugged. ‘But I don't appreciate it. My decision is final. You're just going to have to respect it and stop trying to manipulate me.'

Like hell he was!

 

The sound of the zip as she did up her case seemed very loud in the otherwise silent house. Gaby looked around the room. Her bags lay in a neat row on the bed. All the clutter, the evidence of her life here, was gone. And in a few hours she'd be gone too.

Jules had offered her the use of her spare room again and, since she didn't think the entente cordiale between her and her mother would stand the strain of living together, she was going to be right back where she'd started before she met Luke and Heather.

She closed her eyes and willed them to stay dry as she thought about leaving them behind. It didn't matter to her heart that Luke didn't love her back—it didn't care. It just wanted him more than ever. It was clearly insane.

And Luke hadn't helped matters over the last few days either. He'd tried every kind of tactic to make her stay: guilt, pity, emotional blackmail about Heather, feigned helplessness with the kitchen appliances. The man didn't know when to stop.

But maybe it was better this way. If he'd been understanding, she'd always have wondered if she'd made the right decision. The fact he was trying every way he knew to bend her will to his just proved to her she was right about him.

Don't let any man shape you…

She shrugged on her jacket and found her car keys. The last school run.

Heather was one of the last ones out of the school gates. She was dragging her backpack behind her so it scraped along the path. She got into the passenger seat, did up her seat belt and sat hugging her bag.

‘You're not really going today, are you, Gaby?'

Gaby took her hand off her keys and left them sitting in the ignition. She looked across at Heather, the forlorn expression on the girl's face making her feel heartsick.

‘Yes, I am, Heather.' No point in sugaring the pill. ‘I promise I'll call and write. We can be penfriends.'

‘Dad said you might not go.'

Did he now?

‘I'm sorry, sweetie, but your Dad's wrong. It's time I went back to London. Teresa is a lovely lady. You'll really like her.'

‘I don't want Teresa.'

Gaby exhaled and eased the building tension in her neck by rolling her head from side to side. Heather couldn't know she had her best interests at heart. She started the car and they drove home in silence.

When they got into the house, she left her keys in the hallway as usual. Heather glowered at her and stomped up to her room.

All that was left now was to wait for Luke to get home at five-thirty and she'd be on her way. She'd probably reach Jules's place around midnight, assuming she didn't get lost, that was.

She hauled her cases down the stairs and packed them into the boot of her car, all the while aware of a large, pink-rimmed pair of eyes watching her from the room across the landing.

Now that the moment was almost here her stomach was churning and her cheeks were hot. She picked up a mug for a cup of tea and it slid through her fingers, shattering on the unforgiving tiled floor. She swept up the pieces as carefully as she could through the tears streaming down her face.

Stop snivelling, woman! It was only a stupid mug.

Then she heard Luke's car in the drive and her stomach rolled so violently that she actually thought she was going to be sick. She scrubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands to remove any traces of moisture and stood up straight.

As she entered the entrance hall, she saw Heather flying down the stairs towards her, a wild look on her face. When she reached the bottom she threw herself at Gaby and clung to her. Gaby squeezed her eyes shut and hugged back. She'd lost her heart to Heather in a completely different way from the other children she'd grown attached to.