Be My Baby (22 page)

I got dressed in jeans and a sweater and
pulled my riding boots on. When I got downstairs I saw that Trey
had set the dining room table for our lunch. He had our best china
out, cloth napkins and candles lit even though it was sunny out. He
had poured us each a glass of white wine. It was very intimate.

He was coming out of the kitchen with two
salad plates full as I got to the dining room.

"Perfect timing," he said, setting the
salads down on the table. He pulled a chair out for me to be
seated.

We sipped our wine and ate our salads
talking about the upcoming holidays and what we wanted to do. I
heard a timer go off in the kitchen. Trey disappeared through the
door and returned with a warm quiche from the oven.

"Okay," I said, smiling for the first time,
"I know that you did not make that quiche."

"I didn't claim that I did. I knew you liked
it so I asked Jean to make it before she left."

"Trey, honestly," I smiled, "Sunday is
supposed to be her day off. You have her making quiche and
shuttling Preston back and forth."

"She didn't mind," he replied watching me.
"She wants you to feel better you know. I do too."

"I know that, honey," I said, "I want to
feel better."

We finished our lunch and Trey cleaned up
the kitchen.

"Do you want to take Derringer out on the
trail?" he asked me.

"I don't feel like going by myself," I
said.

Trey rolled his eyes and smiled.

"I meant both of us," he replied. "I want
both of us to take him out on the trail."

"Okay, let me get a jacket."

Trey and I spent a couple of hours on the
horse trail with Derringer. We would stop off at different places
on the trail to sit and talk in the crisp autumn sunshine. He held
my hand when we were walking; his arms encircled me when we were on
the horse, holding me close against his chest. I felt so safe and
loved.

When we got back to the stables, he and I
unsaddled Derringer together. We worked as a team talking and
laughing as we brushed and groomed him. When we finished Trey
pulled me down on a bale of straw to sit next to him.

He was staring at me; his eyes were very
serious and intense.

"What, Trey?"

"Can I ask you something?"

(Oh God, please don't let this be about
Danny Duvall.)

"Sure."

"When was the first time that you knew that
you cared about me?"

(Thank God . . .)

"Hmm, well let's see. I think it was the
first time I met you in the stables and you ripped into me about
'no one mounts Derringer but me'." I tried to imitate his
authoritative tone.

"Really? I was kind of an ass to you that
day."

"The day got better as I recall."

He smiled showing me his dimple. He pulled
me against him.

"Hey - what about you?" I asked.

"It was the same day," he replied, "Just a
little later in the day."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. It was right after I hauled you out
of the pool."

"Oh God, you mean when I had my 'near-death
experience'?"

"After that," he replied softly. "The
paramedics had put you into the squad. They wouldn't let me ride
along with you to the hospital. I got into my car and sped like
hell so that I would get to the hospital at the same time they did.
I didn't want you coming to and not knowing where you were or what
had happened. I was so very scared that you wouldn't make it."

Trey's voice had gotten hoarse. I looked up
at him and saw him brush a tear from his cheek with the palm of his
hand. He was choked up. I wasn't used to seeing Trey emotional.

"Charlotte had tuned my car radio in to some
'oldies' station when we had been out earlier that evening. As I
finally caught up with the paramedics on the road to the hospital,
a song came on that radio station that I'd heard before on
television or maybe in a movie. It just seemed so on target for
what I felt at that exact moment."

"What song was it?" I asked.

"I'm not sure of the title," he said, "And
you know that I'm not a singer; but I think it starts out saying
something about 'the night we met I knew I needed you so.' Do you
know the song?"

"Is the next line something like 'And if I
had the chance I’d never let you go'?"

"Yeah, that's it," he said smiling
sheepishly.

"Be My Baby," I said softly, shaking my head
in recognition.

"That's when I knew that I loved you, Tylar.
That's when I knew that I wanted you to be my baby forever."

He lowered his head raking his hands through
his thick hair. He was so sad. Had I made him sorry for that?

"What about now, Trey? What do you feel
now?"

I was almost afraid to hear his answer but I
knew that I needed to ask the question.

He turned to me and I saw the tears of pain
in his eyes; I was afraid that I had put that anguish there.

"I lost her too, Tylar. I loved that baby
just like I loved Preston before she was born; I lost her too, you
know?"

"Oh, Trey," I said, wrapping my arms around
him tightly. I kissed his tears and buried my face into his
chest.

"But you didn't grieve, Tylar. I wanted - I
needed to grieve but I couldn’t because I was waiting for you to
grieve. So I held it inside of me all of this time thinking that
maybe it was natural for you to feel the way you felt; maybe I was
expecting you to feel the way that I did and you simply didn't. I
felt it was wrong for me to resent you for not grieving."

"You resented me?"

"I did," he said nodding his head. "I
resented the hell out of you. I should have known though."

"Should have known what, Trey?"

"I should have known that something was
wrong; that you were holding it in all of this time. I should have
known that you were not allowing yourself to grieve for our baby
girl."

"How could you have known Trey? I didn't
even know it myself."

"Because I'm
your
husband damn it!
Because I am supposed to know you better than you know yourself.
Because I do know the person that you are and your behavior was
totally out of character for that person."

"Trey please - "

"No Tylar. This needs to be
said. It was
my
responsibility to see that your needs - whether physical or
emotional - were being met. I didn't do that. I chose to hide
behind my resentment. I buried myself in my work; I mentored Amber;
I spent more time with her than I did with you or Preston. I am the
one that carries the guilt for this. Last night you finally let
loose with your grief after all of this time. I should have never
let you go on for so long like that. Look what we've done to each
other."

"Trey stop, please. You are my husband. You
are not my keeper. You are not taking the blame for this. I am
responsible for myself. The healing has started Trey. I realize its
several months late, but it has finally started."

"I can see that, Tylar;
your healing started after one session with Dr. Hunter! How the
fuck does that makes
me
feel?"

I wasn't following Trey's line of thinking.
I hoped that he intended to clue me in.

"I should have forced you to see Dr. Hunter
way before now. Don't you see that? If I had insisted you see her
for counseling we might not have had to go through all the shit
that we've gone through."

"Trey you know as well as I
do that
making
me
do something almost never works out, right?"

He looked over at me with a hint of a smile
on his face.

"Besides that I don't know that my one visit
with Karla is what prompted my grieving process. I think it had
more to do with Nigel and Tess's baby being born."

"Why would that trigger it?"

"Because from the minute that baby was born
it will now be a reminder to us at every holiday get together or
family celebration we attend that you and I should be raising a
child that age. There will always be one empty seat at the dinner
table; one unworn party hat; one less child's worth of gifts that
Santa puts under our tree."

Trey pulled me over onto his lap. He wrapped
his arms around me.

"Doesn't Reese offer that same
reminder?"

"No," I said simply shaking my head.

"Why?"

"It's just different," I said shrugging. "He
was already here."

"By just a couple of days, Tylar. Is it
because Tess's son may be mine?"

I cringed when he said it but I couldn't
deny the truth.

"Yes," I answered him honestly. "If you want
to know the truth, that is part of it."

"We can have more children, Tylar. We never
planned for Preston to be an only child."

"I know Trey, but what if it happens
again?"

"Honey - do you remember what the doctor
said about the rarity of what happened?"

"Yeah - it was something like one in a
million chances that the same thing would happen to the same
mother."

"It was actually 1.2 million," he said,
correcting me. "Remember Dr. Addison saying that it wasn't just one
thing that caused Marley's death but a rare series of events that
each played a part in this particular tragedy?"

I nodded.

"I don't want us to be afraid of odds like
that baby."

"Trey - you and I need time to heal before
we consider having another child."

"I know that, baby. Just please don't say
'never' okay?"

"Okay," I replied snuggling against him.

It was starting to get dark as Trey and I
walked hand-in-hand through the field to our home. The sun was
going down making the air much chillier.

Once inside Trey got a fire going in the
fireplace. He poured us each a glass of wine and we relaxed on the
thick rug in front of the fire. I grabbed a couple of pillows from
the couch and we lay on our sides sipping wine and watching the
flames flickering. They made different shadowy shapes on the
walls.

Trey scooted close to me his head propped on
his hand. He lowered his face to me his lips softly kissing mine.
His tongue slowly traced a path along my lower lip.

"Mmmm," he moaned. "Do you know what I want
to do right this minute?"

"Surprise me," I said softly, closing my
eyes. I felt his tongue leave my lips. I waited to feel it touch me
somewhere else. It didn't.

I finally opened my eyes. Trey had left the
room

(What the hell?)

"Trey?"

He reappeared carrying a bag of marshmallows
and two long toasting forks.

"Here you go," he said grinning handing me
one.

We toasted marshmallows and sipped our wine.
We re-connected emotionally and it felt so good.

Trey and I both got Preston dressed for bed
in our room that evening. She was jabbering away with words only
she could possibly understand. We were able to catch the name
'Reese' in the chatter. That was the extent of it.

"Before I put your pull-up on do you have to
go pee-pee?" I asked her. She actually did pretty well at
understanding what we said.

"Nooo." She said shaking her head.

"Actually honey," Trey said, "I think the
experts say you should not ask before bedtime whether they have to
go or not, but simply seat them on their potty chair for a few
minutes."

(Really Trey? Be my guest.)

"Great idea. Will you take her in
there?"

"Sure babe," he replied smiling.

He lifted her from the bed and took her into
our bathroom where one of her three potty chairs was located within
the house. I lay across our bed and listened to the father-daughter
chatter. I could hear him talking to her trying to persuade her to
stay on the potty and try.

He finally handed her one of her 'Choo-Choo'
books that had been left in the bathroom; he instructed her to look
at the pictures and tell him what they were. I chuckled to myself
as I heard him run the water in one of the sinks to see if that
might inspire her to pee. It must have inspired him to pee when I
heard the familiar sound of the toilet seat hitting the tank and
the sound of his stream.

I went to my dresser to get a nightgown out.
I was not far from bedtime either. I heard the toilet flush
followed by Trey's voice.

"What did you say, Preston?"

I heard her mumble something that I couldn't
understand from where I was standing in our room.

"That's what I thought you said. Come on. I
guess you don't have to go after all."

His voice had a hint of harshness in it. I
wondered what the hell she had said. Both Trey and I were careful
now to watch our language around her since she was learning new
words every day. I hoped like hell Gina hadn't dropped the 'F-bomb'
around her, though I doubted that very much.

Trey came out of the bathroom with Preston
is his arms. Her pull-up was in place and her pajama bottoms were
snapped up.

"Do you know what she just said in
there?"

He had this incredulous look on his face
that for some reason amused me. He clearly was not amused.

"What?" I asked almost afraid to hear
it.

"She pointed at me after I finished peeing
and said 'dinky,' at my you-know-what."

I couldn’t help it; a giggle escaped and
then another.

"I don't think that it's funny, Tylar. Where
would she hear trash talk like that?"

"Trey, for crying out loud, I wouldn't
exactly call it 'trash talk.' That is probably the word that Gina
uses for Reese's 'you-know-what," I said putting an exaggerated
whisper on the 'you-know-what'.

"Oh, so now I'm actually being compared with
a three-month old anatomically?"

"Trey, you are a hoot," I said laughing. He
clearly was not amused. I needed to diffuse the situation.

"Trey, may I ask how she saw your
'you-know-what' from her potty chair?"