Beast in Shining Armor (27 page)

Q is for
queen.

Sometimes
she’s mean and makes a big scene.

But,
sometimes she brings toys,

and noise,

and all
kinds of joys.

Maybe this
queen is not what she seems,

But, could
be that she’s,

just what
you needs.

Mother
Goose’s Story Time Fun Show

It
was all Avenant’s fault.  No one could dispute that.

Esmeralda
had been trying to do the jackass a favor.  She’d gone into the labyrinth to
help him get his kingdom back and win his True Love and --okay fine-- maybe to
steal herself some shiny treasure or something.  Instead, she’d lost track of
Avenant and Belle, been chased by a minotaur, and spent the whole night
freezing in the ice corridors of the maze.  She hadn’t even found anything
worth swiping.

To
make matters worse, she’d accidently stepped in a rabbit hole and fallen
through.  For who know how long, she’d tumbling through empty space with no
idea what waited for her on the other side of the darkness.  It could be
anything from dinosaurs to clowns to that stupid upside-down land.

It
better not be that upside-down land.  That place was so frigging annoying.

Luckily,
being a witch meant that an endless free fall through a vortex was just a minor
inconvenience.  Esmeralda had been careening downward for ages, but now she was
finally getting close to touchdown.  Below her, she could see light.  Wherever
it was coming from, it was sure to be better than all this boring
nothing
.

She
hated being bored.

Esmeralda’s
powers slammed out, slowing her descent as she neared the bottom.  If she’d had
a broomstick, she could’ve tried flying out of the hole.  As it was, though,
all she could do was make sure she didn’t leave a crater when she landed.

She
crashed through the other end of the rabbit hole, dropping into the bright
sunshine of a… garden party?  Surrounding her were dozens of fancifully shaped
rose bushes and dozens of people in fancifully shaped hats.  She’d landed in
the middle of a long table, piled high with frilly decorations.  There were
polka dot teapots and crust-less sandwiched and some kind of irritatingly
chipper music playing from a tiny mouse orchestra situated on one end.

She’d
been wrong.  Even
nothing
was better than elevator music.

Esmeralda
blinked, her eyes adjusting to the bright sunshine and the psychedelic array of
neon patterns on everything.  Even the grass was pink plaid.  The only landmark
she could see around her was a red and white checkerboard palace.  This was
definitely not the Four Kingdoms.

Damn
Avenant.

Getting
to her feet, Esmeralda brushed her hands together to remove shortbread crumbs. 
She’d landed on a plate of heart-shaped cookies all iced with the words “EAT ME.” 
This whole creepy place could eat her.

“Alright,
where the fuck am I?”  Ez demanded, standing on the table and glaring down at
the partiers.

A
caterpillar the size of the person gaped at her.  “Wonderland.”  He blurted
out.

“Wonderland.” 
An anthropomorphized hare agreed, sounding shell-shocked to see a green-skinned
witch before him.

All
around her, the other tea drinking idiots were nodding.  Stupid hats swayed as
their heads bobbed up and down, all agreeing that Ez was stuck in the ass-end
of all kingdoms.

Esmeralda
groaned, her palm coming up to slap against her forehead.

Even
the upside-down realm would’ve been better than goddamn
Wonderland
.  Not
only was it hard as hell to escape once you got stuck here, but it was filled
with all kinds of bizarre, annoying, and lawless bullshit guaranteed to piss
people off.

Avenant
was sooo going to pay for this.

“Perfect.” 
Esmeralda headed down the length of the table, kicking the dainty china cups
out of her way.  “Somebody tell me the quickest way out of here.”  She ordered,
porcelain and scones crutching her boots.  “I’m not in the mood for this crap.”

A
Cheshire cat pointed off towards a gigantic row of hedges.  “You must brave the
mysteries of the white rose labyrinth.”  She said, awe in her voice.

“Nah…
I don’t think so.”  No way was Esmeralda dealing with another stupid maze. 
“What’s the
other
quickest way?”

“Through
the castle.”  The caterpillar told her.  “But, you’ll never get passed the
queen and her guards.”

“Whatever.” 
Esmeralda hopped of the edge of the table, trying not to stare too long at any
one spot.  The colors of the place burned her retinas.  Witches had a
pathological aversion to so much
cheery
.  It was definitely time to go.

Some
playing-card soldiers came barreling down the steps as she neared the checkered
palace, their heart-shaped spears at the ready.  “Halt!”  One of them
bellowed.  “Halt in the name of her majesty!”

Esmeralda
rolled her eyes and kept marching forward.  “Boys, you don’t want to mess with
me today.”  She warned the two-dimensional goon squad.  “I haven’t eaten, my
hair’s a mess, and your doofy kingdom gives me a migraine.”

They
didn’t take her
extremely
good advice.  Instead, the morons charged. 
Their creepily thin bodies scissor-stepped their way towards her.

“Invader!” 
One shrieked.  “Sound the alarm!”

“Protect
Queen Alice!”  Another called.

“Kill
her!”  Several more chanted in unison.  “Kill the invader!”

Well,
it wasn’t like she hadn’t warned them.  Esmeralda raised a hand and let loose
with her magic.  Green lightening streaked across the plaid grass, shredding
through the playing cards like they were made of paper.  Which, come to think
of it, they
were
.  The “fight” was over in two seconds flat and Esmeralda
didn’t even have to slow her steps.

The
deck of idiots probably didn’t have enough forces left to make a passable hand
of bridge.

Tea
party guests, intact guards, and everyone else around ran for the pastel
striped hills.  Clearly, there weren’t many witches in these nauseatingly
colorful parts.  She’d just scared the hell out of every Wonderlandian in a two
mile radius.

Esmeralda
smiled, her mood improving.  It was like Auntie Hazel always said:  If you aren’t
having fun being a wicked witch, then you’re doing it wrong.

“It’s
the Queen of Clubs!”  Somebody shouted.  “She’s come to murder us all!”

Five
minutes in this place and she’d already been promoted to queen?  It was about
time
Ez got the respect she was due.  Witches lived to inspire terror, but Esmeralda
had always been kind of a screw-up.  Most of her plots for world domination got
laughed out of the Cauldron Society.  No matter how hard she tried, evilness
just didn’t come naturally to her.  It was a huge embarrassment.  Things were suddenly
looking up, though.

Too
bad no one important was around to see it.

She
headed up the curving steps of the palace, delighting in the fearful response
of the citizenry.  They hid behind furniture.  They cowered in corners.  Their
eyes were wide and damp with horrified tears.  Damn, if only she had a camera…

“Stop!” 
An oh-so-pretty girl in a blue dress stepped directly into Esmeralda’s path. 
“I am Queen Alice,” she pointed to her crown just in case Esmeralda had missed
it, “and this is
my
kingdom, invader!”

“Really?” 
Esmeralda wasn’t impressed.  “You should seriously think about redecorating
this joint, then.  It’s like a rainbow threw-up on your entire realm, blondie.”

Alice
jabbed a finger at her, her lips narrowing into a tight line.  “I am placing
you under arrest for Badness and witchcraft and disruption of a tea party and…”

“Oh,
shut up.”  Esmeralda waved a palm and turned the jabbering twit into a log. 
She’d been going for a
frog
, but a log would do.  Not quite as
classically evil, but still kind of scary.

Kind
of.

She
wrinkled her nose.  Ever since she’d gotten out of the WUB Club, her spells
only had a 50/50 success rate.  It was getting to be a problem.

Luckily,
it didn’t make much magic to intimidate the nitwits of Wonderland.  The ones
who hadn’t already passed out or run away goggled at the hunk of wood that used
to be Alice.  The diamond tiara was still perched on its branchy top… which was
actually a little bit funny.

Not
that anybody here had a sense of humor.  She seriously needed to find a way
home.

Esmeralda
stomped over to pick up the crown and plopped it on her own head.  At least
she’d finally gotten to steal herself something sparkly.  “Alright.”  She looked
at the traumatized faces surrounding her and arched a brow.  “Which way to the
exit?”