Beautiful Together (34 page)

My heart raced as I held the tester in place. It felt like nothing in my life had ever mattered before that moment, even though I had definitely been through some very serious experiences. Three minutes later, I finally looked.

I almost fainted—it was a
plus
. I couldn't look again. I threw the tester down on the floor and left it there.

No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening.

I felt my head spiraling, like someone had injected a gallon of pure alcohol straight into my bloodstream. "Oh, shit. Oh, shit." I pulled up my panties and jeans and rushed out of the bathroom, almost tripping as I ran down the hall.

"Arielle!" I shouted.

She looked startled, but that didn't stop her from stuffing her face with pizza. "What is it?"

"I'm pregnant! It says I'm
pregnant
! What the hell do I do? I fucked up! My life is over! How can I ever go to college now?"

She let the folded slice of pizza unfold back onto her plate. "Shit. First of all, don't panic. Keep in mind, an abortion isn't
that
big of a deal. I mean, I know a lot of people who have had one. Don't blow this out of proportion, Naomi."

Her words felt like sandpaper against my skin. "No! I
don't
want an abortion. It's too traumatic."

"So what do you want then?"

"I don't know," I snapped automatically, almost helplessly.

Arielle surveyed me carefully. "Are you sure about this, Naomi? You're
sure
the test said that?"

"Yes!" I was nearly hyperventilating, clutching angrily at my thighs, huffing desperately for tiny gulps of air.

"Those things aren't perfect," she said. "I gotta go to the bathroom. Give me a minute to think. I'll be right back, okay? Just sit down and try to relax."

I sat down in the chair, but it felt like the cushions were made of needles. I fidgeted uncontrollably until I finally stood up and paced aimlessly, like an excitable, attention-starved dog that had suddenly entered a room full of people.

What am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do? What will I tell my parents?

I had so many new plans, so many things I wanted to accomplish in my life. I couldn't deal with a surprise pregnancy.

"Naomi!" Arielle screamed from down the hall. "You're not pregnant, you dummy. It's a minus!"

"Don't fuck with me right now, Arielle," I hissed. "Do
not
play games with me right now."

"I'm not lying," she said. "Get over here."

I sprinted down the hall and met her in the doorway of the bathroom. In her hand was the tester, and sure enough, it
was
a minus. I stared at it incredulously for what seemed like hours, turning it over and over again like a
Magic 8-Ball
and making sure it always gave me the same answer. It did.

"It's a minus," I muttered numbly. "It's a minus. But I saw a plus. I'm sure it was a plus."

"It
is
a minus," she said. "You're not pregnant, dude. Your mind was playing tricks on you. Did you even look at it a second time?"

"No," I said, embarrassed. "I threw it down and ran out here."

Arielle started giggling. "Again, rule number one—don't panic." She hugged me, and I started crying. "It's fine, Naomi. Everything is fine. Don't you forget that."

***

We spent the rest of the evening catching up on episodes of
How I Met Your Mother
. Arielle giggled the whole way through, but the most I could do was crack a tiny smile. I didn't really
want
to watch it, but Arielle was excited, and watching it together was sort of our thing.

And I owed it to her. I owed so much to her.

I felt a bit traumatized, but then again, whose fault was it? I should have dealt with the situation the moment it started to bother me. I should have taken action, not wallowed in my own misery. I should have used condoms if I couldn't handle the risks. I should have been safer.

It was my brain as usual, not allowing me to give up the past. If the present was anything more than dull and grey, my brain was there to send me into a destructive frenzy, setting me back, evening the score.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed," I said as the credits of the third episode rolled.

Arielle turned and smiled. "Okay. I think I'm gonna watch some
Dexter.
"

I smiled back. "Goodnight, Arielle. And thanks again."

I turned and walked toward my room.

"You have to call him," she called. "You have to call Jesse and tell him. You need him."

I shrugged. "I will tomorrow."

"Don't forget."

I nodded and walked into my room, closing the door behind me. The walls felt so tight and close, bringing about a mild feeling of claustrophobia. But it wasn't bad. It was kind of comforting, like a hug.

You need him.

The words echoed in my head. It wasn't like Arielle to say something like that, but she had. And it was true. I had been freaking out for days—
and
ignoring his calls at the same time. I could have told him, and he probably would have known exactly what to say.

Even though it might have freaked him out like Arielle had said, he would have known what to do. He could have made it better.

Instead, I made it worse.

Warm tears streamed down my cheeks as I climbed into bed. I pulled up the blankets and took a deep breath.

Tomorrow,
I thought.
I'll deal with this tomorrow.

Exhausted and overwhelmed, I fell asleep quickly.

And as I slept, my period started.

It was the happiest period of my entire life.

34

"Christmas is coming. You must be so excited! Did you ask Santa Claus for anything?" Vijay said it as a joke, but it came out so stiffly that it sounded like a robot stand-up comedian had said it.

"Oh, Vijay," I said. "I asked Santa for a new cell phone. So I can come here to buy all my accessories," I added sarcastically.

"Such a loyal employee," he said with a laugh.

It was a chilly Friday, and I knew that when I got off work a couple hours later, a call to Jesse awaited me. A serious call. A meaningful call.

The sun was shining. I wasn't pregnant. I was going to go to veterinary school—well, if I got accepted. I didn't know
what
I was with Jesse, but we'd figure it out—as long as he wasn't
too
pissed at me for freaking out.

We'd figure it out because we wanted to. Because we cared about each other.

Because we loved each other.

And I wasn't pregnant!

***

The day was much busier than I had anticipated. I was completely shocked when Vijay told me it was time to leave.

"Seriously? It's
five
?"

He smirked. "It's almost five-thirty."

"Well, I've gotta run," I said. I packed my water bottle and cell phone and stood up.

"Big weekend plans?"

"Not really. Gonna stay home. I'm just... meeting someone," I lied. It sounded more exciting than
I need to make a phone call.

"Sounds nice. I wish
I
could stay home someday."

"Someday, Vijay," I said as I walked toward the front. "You can always ask Santa Claus."

It was getting dark, and the former sunshine had been replaced with overcast. The walk to the subway was icy, and it looked like it was going to snow. I couldn't remember if it had snowed already this season.

I packed into a train car, surrounded by the throbbing masses of rush hour people on their way home for the weekend. There were no seats, so I grabbed a spot at one of the bars and fought for stability as the train took off.

Everyone looked totally exhausted. The holidays were coming, and that meant prep time and family responsibilities and the biggest shopping season of the year. It meant stress.

Even though I was nervous about calling Jesse, my mind stayed remarkably quiet the whole trip.

When we finally arrived at my stop, I pushed through the crowds and then up the stairs. I had a few more blocks to walk.

I decided to give it a shot. I typed in Jesse's name and quickly hit the call button. It rang.

And then again.

And again. I kept walking, one step after another.

Then his voicemail came on.

I panicked a little. Was he mad at me? He had every right to be; I had ignored all of his calls for days. Why shouldn't he do the same thing back?

I hadn't planned to leave a message. I hadn't thought about what I would say.

"Hi, Jesse," I blurted out. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your calls. I'm fine. Call me when you can, okay?"

I hung up and kept walking. Rushing down the sidewalk, I noticed it was starting to snow. The flakes were glimmering in the street lights, and they looked like they were floating up, not down. The wind gently pushed them about.

The sight was beautiful, but I didn't stop to watch. It seemed like the temperature was dropping every second I was outside, and I hadn't worn my warmest jacket.

As I approached my block, the phone rang. I looked at the screen—it was Jesse.

"Jesse!" I yelled as I answered it. "I'm so sorry." I was running on pure adrenaline, shocked and thrilled to hear his voice.

"Naomi! Where are you?" He sounded concerned.

"I'm coming home from work. How is... California?"

"I already left," he said. "Naomi, what's wrong? What's been going on? Why have you been ignoring my calls? Did I do something wrong? I just need to—"

I heard his words in two places at once, outside my phone, and within the tiny speaker against my freezing ear. "What the hell?" I shouted.

My head cocked to the side as I tried to make sense of the moment.
How could I hear him in two places?

"Naomi, I'm—"

I sharply brought my gaze up from the ground, and there he was, sitting on the steps to my apartment building, visibly shivering as he clutched his familiar blue backpack. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, but he didn't disappear. He was actually right there.

"Jesse!" I screamed. I threw my phone into my coat pocket and sprinted toward him. When I got to the stairs, I basically tackled him. "Oh, God, you're so cold," I whined as I kissed his frigid cheek.

"I've been sitting out here for like a half hour. I was... waiting for you."

"Why didn't you tell me you were—"

"You wouldn't answer my calls. I got so worried. I didn't want to lose you."

"C'mon," I ordered, grabbing his backpack even though it was super heavy. "Let's get upstairs where it's warm."

I unlocked the front door and led him inside. "It's so much warmer in here," he said, relieved.

"You could have gotten frostbite!" I scolded. "Your cheeks are so red. What if I hadn't—" I cut myself off, not even wanting to consider any alternative possibilities. We quickly ascended the stairs, and soon after, we were standing in my apartment.

"Hello?" I called as I walked in. Nobody responded, and all of the lights were off. We were alone. "I guess nobody's home." I shut the door behind Jesse and locked it. "Do you want some tea or something?" I put his backpack on the floor in the corner of the living room, and hung our coats on the wall.

"Sure. That would be nice."

I started up the electric kettle and then pulled out two mugs. "Is green tea with honey okay?"

"I'll drink anything, as long as it's warm."

I smiled. "Easy to please."

After the tea was ready, we sat down in the living room together, cuddling close on the couch. "I can't believe you're here, Jesse," I said. "I thought you were in California until next week."

"I did what I needed to do, and then I left early. I totally freaked out when you wouldn't answer my calls." He took a long sip of the tea, visibly savoring every warm drop.

I felt my heart sink. "You didn't... like
do anything
, did you? Like quit or something?"

After a long pause, he spoke. "No," he said firmly. "But I thought about it. A lot. I needed to see you. I... couldn't wait anymore. You wouldn't answer, so I came."

Further my heart dipped, until it felt like it was touching the floor. I felt the hot tears coming again; against my chilled skin, they felt almost like boiling water. "Jesse, I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid."

"What happened?" he asked. "What the
hell
happened? What did I do wrong?"

I wiped the tears off my skin. "I had a pregnancy scare and I freaked out," I said. "My period was late, and we... didn't use protection."

"You said you were on the pill!" His expression was firm.

"I
am
. But I've never been in that situation before. I didn't want to... y'know,
burden
you with it. You've got so much going on already. I didn't want to screw things up for you just because I made a bad decision. It was stupid. I'm sorry."

"Naomi, it was
our
decision. We both decided to have sex. And it doesn't matter whose decision it was—the baby would still be
ours
."

"I know," I said, but it came out like a squeak.

He stared into my eyes, and I couldn't break the gaze. "Company or no company, baby or no baby, I'll stand behind you, Naomi.
Always.
" He stroked my arm, hugging me closer to him. "I love you more than anyone else in the world. Did you think I was really going to walk out on you? Because of a baby?" There was a pained look in his eyes. His grip around me softened.

"I
want
to be here for you. I do. That's why I came all the way from California. It was easy for me."

The tears kept coming. I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. "I'm not even pregnant," I said. "My period started last night. All this panic over nothing."

He hugged me again, holding me, squeezing me like he never wanted to let go. "Oh, God, Naomi. I'm so sorry about this. I love you so much. I would never leave you. I've loved you my whole life, and that's not
ever
gonna stop."

I cried against his still-cold shoulder. "I love you, too," I moaned pathetically.

All of my concerns, my worries, my fears, all assuaged by a single conversation. He
wanted
to be there for me, even if I had a baby. Even though Dolphin might blow up at any minute and change his life forever. He came all the way here to see me, all because I wouldn't answer my stupid phone and that scared him.

All because I was too stubborn to tell him the truth.

"Naomi, just let it go," he said, reading my mind. "I understand. I'm not mad. I'm just thankful you're okay. That's what's most important to me. I lived so long without you, but now that I have you, I don't think I could ever handle it again."

I clutched him harder and cried. Everything was too good to be true. A storybook ending. Ridiculous, but
incredible
.

This was exactly what I had begged for my whole life, but again, I had resisted. When I had needed Jesse the most, I shoved him away, my brain's last desperate attempt to "protect" me from the dangers of making myself fully vulnerable to another human being.

"I won't do it anymore," I said, responding to my own thought. "I won't."

"What, Naomi? What are you talking about?"

"I won't hide from the people who truly love me."

I cried until his shoulder was soaked with tears, and he never left me or pulled away, not even for a second.

And it made me realize that he never would.

Not now, not ever.