Beautifying Bernadette: A BBW Romantic Comedy (The Jackson Tribe Book 1) (16 page)

Bernie tried to take a deep breath, but she got nothing as she tried to breathe in. She looked at her plate and all of the people around them. Her heart raced, and she could barely see through the tears. She grabbed the two plates she had filled with food, and walked briskly to an empty table on the far edge. She almost fell several times trying to navigate her way through the picnic tables and blankets, but she made it unscathed and sat down. She started shoveling food into her mouth so fast and hard she almost choked and couldn’t taste any of it. She felt a hand on her shoulder and a familiar smell.

“Babe, what’s wrong? What happened?” Levi sat down on the bench next to her.

She looked over at him and felt irrational anger. “What’s wrong? What do you mean what’s wrong? Oh! You didn’t realize you were marrying a fucking cow? Yeah, that’s me, Bernie the cow! MOO! I’ll start shooting milk at everyone here in a minute. Bernie, who won’t fit into a goddamn wedding dress. Bernie, who eats everything in sight, Bernie, who needs a backup alarm and a sign that says wide load. Yup, all me!” By this point, she had stood up.

Levi kept trying to get her to calm down and quiet her without causing a scene, but she was making it impossible. She started crying angry tears and stomping her feet. She was so fully inside of her own self-hatred, she forgot anyone else existed for the moment.

“I can’t do anything right! I can’t diet. I can’t exercise. I can’t stay away from the mother-fucking food or the goddamn wine. Why would you even want to marry someone as disgusting and gross and—”

At this point, Levi was done trying to be covert. Since every person within earshot was already staring at them, some of the mothers trying to distract their children as Bernie’s words got coarser and coarser, he really didn’t think he could draw more attention to Bernie than she was already drawing to her herself. He grabbed her around the waist and threw her over his shoulder, giving her butt a few smacks as he walked towards the side of the house. She screamed and cussed and hit his back with her fists, kicking her feet, not caring that she was making a scene.

He set her down away from everyone, but still visible from the picnic area.

Bernie twirled around to face him. Her hands on her hips, but threatening to come up and smack his arrogant bastard face. “What the fuck? What the literal fuck, you fucking cunt-faced asshole!”

Levi just stared at her and pointed to the side of the house.

Bernie was on a roll and kept going. “What? You want me to look at the beautiful paint job? Yeah, I fucking love the color white, it’s my favorite.”

Levi took a deep breath and grabbed her shoulders. He forcibly turned her so she was facing the side of the house.

Bernie fought him, but he held strong. She kicked her foot back and connected with his shin. Levi didn’t seem to notice except for a slight grunt and his hands tightening painfully on her shoulders. Bernie tried shaking him off, but it was to no avail. He was holding firm. She started to come off of her angry high and her blood went cold. Not only had she just kicked the man she loved more than life, who, coincidentally, had not only the right but her consent to bare her bottom and deeply mark her ass, but she had thrown a hissy fit in front of everyone here. Which was basically Jude’s entire congregation. And her parents. Oh God, her parents. As the anger left her, and the shame and regret took hold, Bernie went limp in his hands. She was still standing, but obviously not fighting any longer.

Levi loosened his hold a bit. Bernie took a shuddering breath, followed by another. Then the tears started. First a few slipped down her cheeks, and then her breath became ragged. She began to truly cry. The impact of the pain of her mother’s words and shame of her own behavior was so deep, she couldn’t even stand up. She fell to her knees and wept bitterly. Her entire body was involved in the process as she was wracked with sobs. Levi followed her down as she fell, cushioning her from hurting herself, but not stopping her descent. And still remained stoically silent.

Bernie however, was not silent. The words started coming out like a flood. “I’m so sorry. Oh my God, Levi, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I spoke to you like that. I can’t believe that I cursed in front of the entire church. I can’t believe I kicked you. I am the shittiest perso—”

Levi’s hand came down hard on her skirt covered thigh. “Ow! Okay, okay! I’m, I-I made so many bad choices, and I hate myself for them. And now, everyone else must hate me too.” 

Levi held her close and simply stroked her arms and kissed her head.

Bernie was able to breathe through the worst of the sobs, to get her body to stop shaking, and her lungs to stop convulsing. After she was calmer, she looked at him anxiously. “You haven’t said a single word. Are you done with me? Do you want to call off the engagement? We didn’t tell most people yet. It’s okay, I un—”

Levi put his hand over her mouth and spoke hoarsely. “Woman, shut your damn mouth. It is taking every ounce of self-control I have not to bare your ass right now and beat those thoughts out of you. I am silent, not because of a lack of love, but because I knew you needed to get it all out of your system.

“Now that you have, let me be perfectly clear about something. You are beautiful. You are talented and kind. You are the sweetest person I know, and incredibly precious to me. There is no one else on the planet that I desire more than you. And when you say anything bad about yourself, it hurts my heart. But the string of vile, disgusting things that you spewed in the last several minutes? They almost killed me. And, on top of that, they made me incredibly angry. You are not permitted to say mean things about anyone, but especially yourself. We are going inside and you are going to get your mouth washed out with soap. Then, you’re going to come back out here, face the wall for fifteen minutes, and think of nice things you can replace those vile thoughts with. After that, we are going back to the table and you will spend the following fifteen minutes writing down all of the positive things about yourself that you can come up with. We are going to repeat this process for the next week at home. Every morning before we go off to our jobs. Because I think you need some practice in how to honor, respect, and love the woman who I adore so much. And I am going to be looking over your answers with you, and if I don’t like them, I will start assigning lines of the attributes I see in you. Do you understand?”

Bernie had stiffened at the mention of soap, and, the more he talked, the more the dread and disgust filled her belly and mouth. She also felt a keen sense of safety and arousal as well, though. The idea that he loved her this much, that he was going to force her to say kind things about herself, touched her to her very core.

She nodded a little, and then looked at him worried. “But, Levi, can’t we do the time out and stuff inside? Everyone can see us out here. I am never going to be able to show my face again!”

Levi shook his head. “Nope. You said the nastiness in front of everyone. You had your tantrum in front of everyone. You can take your discipline in front of everyone as well.”

He lowered his voice and tone and whispered seductively in her ear, “Besides, you told me that you’re my little exhibitionist, and the thought of public punishment arouses you.”

Bernie blushed deeply and buried her face in his chest. He was correct, but when she said that, when she had her fantasies of being in a corrective, slightly humiliating, public scenario, she never imagined she’d be there with half the town, her future in-laws, and her parents watching! But she knew she deserved this. Even to a certain extent, needed this. He was correct. She had misbehaved in front of all of these people, so it was only fair she would be chastised there as well. She was just grateful he wasn’t going to spank her.

He helped her to stand, took her hand, and led her inside the house. Taking her into the kitchen and standing her by the sink he filled and handed her a small glass of water. “Drink this. Swish it around your mouth. I want it to be nice and wet for the soap.”

Bernie obeyed, her stomach flipping and clenching knowing what was coming. She had never tasted soap and wasn’t sure what to expect.

After she choked down the water, Levi instructed her to open her mouth. He placed some liquid dish soap on his finger and spread it all over the inside of her cheeks, got more and spread it on the roof of her mouth, and lastly coated her tongue. She gagged a little while he was spreading it on her tongue, but he rubbed her back and she was able to hold it back. He refilled the glass and led her back outside.

She looked at him in horror realizing that when he said “Wash your mouth” he hadn’t meant they would wash it,
rinse it,
and then stand in the corner. He expected her to keep this awful stuff in for fifteen minutes? She started to wonder if she was marrying a damn sadist. He placed her palms on the sides of the house. She was grateful they were in a shady spot; it was hot as hell out here. The soap not only tasted gross and made her want to hurl, but it was starting to burn a little. All of her taste buds were on high alert. She was scared to swallow in case the residue burned her throat, but the saliva building up in her mouth was also starting to make her drool. She felt miserable. She tried to remember why she was here. What she was supposed to be using the time for. How much Levi loved her. She tried her darndest to avoid thinking about all of the people she just knew were watching her. It worked a little bit, focusing on what words she could choose in the future, thinking of how this was absolving her of the poor choices she had made, knowing that Levi was standing right there with her. Her mind and body calmed as she served her time. It didn’t take away the taste in her mouth, but it helped with the guilt and fear and shame.

About halfway through, she heard a gasp to her right, and she couldn’t help but glance over. Toni was standing a few feet away, a look of horror on her face. She stared at Bernie for a long moment and then took off running towards the barns. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Judah taking off after her. She looked back at the house. She wasn’t going to do anything to lengthen her time out here or make Levi mad. But she wondered, and hoped, that the other girl was okay. She made a mental note to check on her before she left today.

After what felt like an eternity, she heard a shrill beeping coming from Levi’s pocket. He placed his hand on her back and said gently. “Spit, love.” She did gladly. As much as she could. Considering how much build up she’d had, she was shocked at how dry her mouth felt. Levi handed her the glass. “Swish and spit a few times, and then drink the rest, please.” She obeyed with vigor. But when the glass was empty, the taste hadn’t gone away.

She looked at Levi piteously. “That stuff is disgusting! I am never doing soap again! Oh God, babe, that was evil.”

Levi raised an eyebrow and gave her a look that made her insides do a loopy-de-loo. “You mean after this week? We are doing ‘this’ every morning, love. And you’re going to obey and not whine about it. You earned this. You need this. And you’re going to get this. Understood?”

Bernie melted and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

He smiled at her and pulled her into a tight hug. “Good girl. Now let’s go back to the table, and you can spend some time writing down those things I asked for.”

Hand in hand they walked back. Bernie looked fiercely at the ground trying to avoid the stares she knew must be focused on her. She sat at the table, hissing from the bruises and welts that still remained, not to mention the residual heat from the capsaicin cream. She took the notebook and pen Levi offered her, and started writing.

Levi placed a cup of sweet tea by her and she looked at him gratefully, sipping it as she wrote. She was shocked when he tapped her shoulder and told her time was up. It felt like she had just started. She was genuinely surprised at all of the positive things she had been able to come up with. She felt proud of herself. Levi took the notebook, and with one arm around her shoulders and hand holding the pages, he read aloud quietly so only she could hear.

As Levi went down the list, he squeezed her shoulders at some of the especially vulnerable things, and laughed out loud when he got to “my boobs.” Once he finished reading it, he kissed her cheek. “I am so proud of you, love. You did a great job. This is exactly what I was looking for.”

Bernie leaned into him enjoying the warmth of his pride and praise for a moment. Then she steeled her shoulders. “I guess it’s time to face everyone now, huh?”

Levi shook his head. “Not quite yet. I need you to tell me what sent you into such a bad tailspin. You seemed fine when I saw you earlier. Did something happen, or someone say something?”

Bernie bit her lip and looked down at her hands. “I just… felt those things. No reason?” She sounded unconvincing even to herself.

Levi tapped her chin with his finger until she looked up into his eyes. “Bull. Shit. You’d better tell me now, unless you need to go stand in time out again and think about the reasons.”

Bernie shook her head. “No, sir! I don’t need to go back to time out. It was my mom. She made some comment about how if I ate too much I couldn’t look good on our wedding day. It wasn’t even that mean of a thing to say. It’s just that she has been saying things like that my whole life, and today it just really got to me.”

Levi nodded grimly. “We will be having a conversation with your mother and father before they drive back to Pennsylvania. She needs to know how hurtful her words are to you. And I will not allow anyone to speak of my beautiful bride that way. Anyone. And if she is going to choose to be toxic, she doesn’t need to come around.”

Bernie had never felt so protected or secure in her life. She looked at him adoringly and kissed his lips. “Thank you for being my protector. I really don’t think she means anything bad by it. She has just always lived by the adage that if she doesn’t tell me the ways to improve myself, no one will.”

Shaking his head, Levi said clearly, “I. Do. Not. Care. She has obviously spent a long time making you feel shitty about yourself and it stops today.”

Bernie didn’t argue with his tone and just nodded. “Yes, sir.”

When she finally got up the courage to face the crowds as she walked over to the dessert table, she was surprised by the lack of judgment she saw. Some of the ladies cast her sympathetic looks. A little boy ran up to her before his mother could stop him, and blurted out, “When I have a temp’ tantrum, I hafta go to time out too,” which made her laugh. But overall, people just kept on with their conversations and didn’t seem phased by what had occurred.

As she was serving herself and Levi some pie, Ginny came over and put her arm around Bernie’s waist. “You okay, sis?”

Bernie gave an embarrassed smile and nodded. “I have no desire to ever taste soap again, although it appears I’ll be really well acquainted with it by the end of this week.”

Ginny made a face. “Ugh. Soap is the worst. I’m sorry, Bernie.” She gave a little laugh and said in a mildly teasing tone, “But I think the children of Capital Church all learned new vocab words that have never shown up on a test before.”

Bernie blushed crimson and looked ready to cry. Ginny grabbed her hands. “Hey hey hey! I’m sorry! I was just teasing. Don’t worry about it, please. They will be fine. This is a really gracious, sweet group of people. I am sure no one will give you a hard time about it, and if they do, just send them my way. Or to anyone in the family. We have your back. We all know what it’s like to lose our cool and have to apologize. It’s not a big deal. I promise.” 

Bernie nodded, unsure that Ginny was right, but grateful for the attempts to reassure her nonetheless.

When she sat back down with Levi to eat her pie, her parents came over and sat across from them. They both looked worried and a little weary. Her father spoke first. “Hey, Bee. I don’t know what the hell got into you earlier, but your mother and I want you to know that we love you and are here for you. We have discussed the issue…” he paused and gave Gladys a glance. When she crossed her arms and gave a curt nod, he continued, “…and, we are not going to stick our nose into your relationship. We will assume that anything that goes on between the two of you is your choice. And that, if you ever need anything, you will come to us with it.” Through his little speech, her mother visibly bit her tongue and shot daggers at her dad, but kept her mouth shut.

Bernie looked at them gratefully. “Thank you. I think we all need to talk a little later about stuff. But it means so much to me that you guys are trying to be so chill about it all. I am so sorry you had to witness me losing my shit like that. It’s not how you raised me, and it wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”

Levi squeezed her hand proudly. Her parents looked surprised, but proud as well. “Of course we forgive you, Bee. We just want to do what is best for you.”

Levi glanced up and saw his parents giving him a questioning look and nodded. “Mr. and Mrs. Douglas, Bernadette and I need to step away for a few minutes, but why don’t you two find a good fireworks viewpoint that will be most comfortable for you, and we will make sure to come find you soon?”

Her parents nodded their agreement.

Bernie and Levi walked over to the Jacksons, and Jacob led them inside. In a kind tone he said, “Let’s use my office. I think it will be quieter and more private in there.” Once he got them situated in chairs that were set up in a semi-circle, he looked at Bernie. “Sweetie, we just want you to know that we are not angry with you at all. Levi felt it was important for you to talk with us face to face, and we agree we need to make some things clear, but we are not upset or harboring anything towards you. You have our complete forgiveness.”

Bernie looked gratefully at the older couple. “Thank you so much. But Jacob, Maggie, I feel so bad about that night! I really had no intentions of even drinking myself when I invited her over. I thought we’d eat junk food and clean and watch sappy movies. I haven’t given anyone underage booze since, well since college, but never someone still in high school. I am so sorry! Please, please, forgive me, and don’t ban me from seeing her, or kick me out of the family, or…”

Jacob leaned over and put his hand on hers. “Shh… sweetheart, no one is going to ban you or kick you out of anything. I mean it. We forgive you. Now, that said, there are a few guidelines we are going to need you to follow for Ginny’s safety and well-being. No more drinking when the two of you are alone. If that occurs again, even if she doesn’t drink, we will need to ask that you come over here to visit with her. Also, she is grounded for the rest of the summer, so unfortunately that means no sleepovers or lunches out or anything of that sort for the time being. But you are welcome to come over here. We love that you desire a friendship with her. We think you’re an amazing lady, Bernadette, and we are not trying to punish you with this edict. But, we feel strongly that Ginny needs to understand how seriously we view this.”

Bernie nodded earnestly. “That’s totally fair! And I’ll make sure to come over lots! I need to make sure she knows that I adore her, and I didn’t mean any harm.”

Maggie spoke this time. “That’s wonderful. And I am sure Ginny will be so pleased. She thinks you’re just the most amazing lady she has ever met. Ginny has spent most of her life with boys, so it’s nice for her to have any older lady she can be friends with. We know that you have a lot of amazing qualities, and we want you to share them with her. Just no more alcohol, okay?”

Bernie nodded even harder and faster. “Never ever ever again. I told Levi this morning, not even when she is thirty. And just so you guys know, he spanked the heck out of me last night, and I am not allowed near alcohol this week!”

The Jacksons laughed. “Well, I don’t know if we expect that long, sweetie. We enjoy the occasional beer and mixed drink. We just feel it’s very important that Ginny wait until she is legal. We have seen too many kids’ lives ruined through bad choices with controlled substances. And I am sorry to hear that you had a hard time of it, but can’t say I’m sorry you had your bottom warmed over this one.” Jacob said with a smile.

Bernie nodded, a little amazed at how much Levi’s dad sounded like him.

Everyone hugged, and then they walked back outside. Jacob went to help the boys with the fireworks set up. It was twilight now. Bernie grabbed Levi and leaned up to his ear. “Babe, do you think I could apologize to everyone for my outburst? I really think it’s important.”

Levi looked at her proudly. “That would be a really good idea.” 

He led her up to the front area where everyone was facing to see the fireworks and said in a loud voice, “Excuse me, if I could have everyone’s attention. Bernadette and I have a few things we would like to say. First off, I just wanted to thank you all for coming today. This has been the largest Independence Day celebration turnout we’ve ever had here at Redemption Ranch, and we are so happy to see you all! Also, this amazing woman next to me has agreed to be my wife! So we will need you all come back Labor Day to celebrate with us again.”

The cheering was so loud Levi’s last words couldn’t be heard by anyone except Bernie. It made her feel a lot better to hear the enthusiasm. Maybe they would be willing to forgive her.