Beauty and the Blitz (32 page)

I no longer had impure thoughts. The images of my lust didn’t take a recognizable form. They centered inside me, manifesting as the surge of blood from my veins to my cock, as the involuntary clenching that twitched my shaft.

Instinct overruled sanity. I wrapped my rosaries tight in my palm and squeezed.

It didn’t quell the desire to rut. To thrust. To
overpower
.

Heaven help me
.

“Tell me,” I ordered.

Honor watched with wide eyes as I stood. She clutched the chair, panting a quiet breath. Embarrassed? She would be, revealing those naughty thoughts about a man who could not lust.

“Father, I thought priests didn’t need specifics.”

But where was the torment in that? “Tell me, Honor. Unburden your soul. What sin do you fantasize about the most?”

I stalked to her chair, circling behind her so she could not see me unless she turned. I doubted she would be brave enough to face me as she described in detail what dark secrets tangled her mind.

“I can’t speak them out loud,” she said.

“Afraid it might come true?” I drifted close.

“I know it won’t.”

“Then speak these evils so we can cast them from our minds. Confront this temptation, Honor. Tell me what it is you dream about, and we will fight it together.”

Or lose ourselves trying.

She trembled as I helped her from the chair. I stood her before my desk, facing the crucifix hanging on my wall. She stared ahead.

My gaze never left her.

I prayed, but I glorified her—the bobbing curls of her hair, the elegant slope of her shoulders, the perfect curve of her hips. Every inch of her was worth worshipping. She licked her lips.

The pink of her tongue stirred me. I had tasted it. Teased it. What I wouldn’t have given to feel that tongue upon my body…

“Father…” She nearly turned away before confessing to her sins and delights.

Unacceptable.

I gripped her hips and held her in place. We both stiffened as I threaded an arm over her midsection. She went still.

This woman was burning alive.

She fit within perfectly against my body. My hips pressed against her lovely curves. I could no longer hide my shameful erection, but the hardness shocked her, stole her voice and her strength.

Her legs wobbled, and I captured her before she collapsed into me. Honor permitted my lecherous touch as I kept her standing.

I pressed my hand against her thigh, amazed by the stretch of the denim over her perfect legs. I palmed the jeans, wishing I could feel her soft skin. Her head fell back against my shoulder.

Was this the path to Heaven or my first descent into hell?

I’d never touched anyone like this before—her body so tightly pressed against mine, the beautiful swell of her thighs tucked against my swelling cock.

Honor moved only to wiggle against me.

Shameful, blessed shimmies.

“Father…” She kept her eyes forward, upon the crucifix. My sorrowful, lusting angel. “
This
. This is what I’ve thought about.”

“An embrace?”

“No. No, it’s more than that.” She mewed, a pitiful and aching sound begging for a release. I had no idea if she longed to be free of my hands or released from the peaking desperation of her body. “I imagined this, Father. But without clothes. You behind me. Over me. Touching me.”

My body racked with pain as I strained to imagine that wondrous moment too. She bent, back arched, the curve of her hips inviting me to lose myself within the beautiful folds of her virgin slit.

I stepped us forward, pressing against her back to lower her onto my desk.

Her breathing stopped.

So did mine.

This was more beautiful, more powerful, more precious than anything I’d imagined before.

She waited, timidly, her legs pressed together but her body presented to me.

This was why they called it
mounting
—that animalistic declaration when a man overwhelmed with lust gorged himself on the surrender of another person.

I leaned over her, grateful for the barrier of her jeans and my robes. She groaned, eyes closed, lip bitten as I trailed my hands over her arms. Her hips accidentally—or purposefully—bumped as I covered her hands with mine.

Her palms flattened against the desk. She arched for me. I kicked her feet to spread her legs.

And she became…vulnerable. Waiting. Wanting.

Irresistible. Dangerous.

The destruction of my faith.

“Did you imagine this, my angel?” I breathed over her ear. “This moment?”

“Yes, Father.”

“And what was it we did?”

“Everything, Father.”

“Tell me.”

“I imagined…I wanted…you to take me.”

My innocent Honor, willing to bend over, to be straddled, to be overpowered by her priest…

…And yet she couldn’t speak that profane word.

I wouldn’t say it either.

That foul, raw expression had no place in my dignity…and it was far too tempting to indulge in it. Giving it life meant giving it cause to corrupt me.

More than I had already been corrupted.

“Was it like this, Honor? With me behind you?”

“Yes. And other ways. Beneath you. Me over you.”

“These are the wicked thoughts you’ve suffered for over a month?”

“Forgive me, Father.”

The shiver built from the base of my spine. The tremble when she called my name, the reverence in her voice. I wanted to hear it. I wanted her cry it aloud. To call my holy title as I rammed within her, giving life and meaning to her sinful precognition.

I arched, pressing against her. She groaned.

Music. A choir of angels.

My fingers tightened over her hips. She breathed, sighed, wiggled.

Forward. To get away. Her breathless words shadowed with indecision.

“Father, we should stop.”

Stop
.

The desire burned in me. I could stop. I could also enjoy the soft swell of her flesh pressing into the hard demands of mine.

“I can’t…” Honor clenched her eyes shut. “This feels too good.”

My little angel, overwhelmed and undone by a simple press of my hips.

If only she might have felt more. A touch. A lick.

The true taking of her willing body.

I moved again. The tightness of my robe and pants aided the strain against my wretched flesh. I could give myself pleasure with a simple movement. The natural position of her body offered a channel for me to rut.

How much greater would it feel without her jeans…

My fingers groped over her hips, searching for the waistband, the button, the zipper containing those beautiful curves.

“Father Raphael.”

Honor gripped my hand. She squeezed, protecting the button.

Protecting us both.

I sucked in a ravenous breath and hauled myself from her. She immediately turned, her hands covering her face.

What had happened?

We sweated, panted, ached as though we’d rolled on the floor for hours.

Too close.

Much
too close.

“Father…” She swallowed. “I’m sorry, I…”

I held up a hand, surprised that the rosaries were still clenched between my fingers. “I know my limitations now.”

“Good?” She cleared her throat. “So do I.
You
are my limitation.”

“It’ll become easier.”

She eased away from my desk. “And if it doesn’t?”

“You’ll have to trust me.”

Because I no longer trusted myself.

Honor pressed a hand to her cheek. She appeared panicked. Desperate.

Poor thing.

“We passed the test.” I faked a smile. “Go now. Set up for the meeting. I’ll…step out. Pick up the pizzas.”

“And I’ll…” She laughed, a surrender in itself. “Splash water on my face.”

She deserved only the holiest of waters. Consecrated and cool.

She retreated from the room, her hands raised. “And I promise to behave.”

It did nothing for my cock, but it gave me confidence. “So do I.”

The door closed behind her, and I fell into my chair, uncomfortable and pained. My body betrayed had me.

This was a punishment from God—a warning that I had gone too far.

Nothing would ease that ache, especially as I had a full night of meetings and groups to attend. Thank Christ for busy schedules.

I doubted it would help.

I prayed—Latin, the entire Rosary. Twenty full minutes of intense, soul-wracking prayer.

And my erection hadn’t diminished.

My penance would be this discomfort. My ache, my shame.

At least it was a just punishment.

I
added more
hours to my rotation at the food pantry.

It wasn’t a magnanimous donation of my time. Guilt motivated me to work, and I had to do something to save my thoughts and my soul.

Not like my antics with Father Raphael would help me.

I’d been bent over a desk by a priest. We fought the temptation and won, but it hadn’t shielded me from a wicked curiosity. The sneaking, unrelenting
What ifs
plagued me.

What if he had unbuttoned my jeans?

What if we had touched?

What if we surrendered, just for the briefest, most amazing, most fulfilling of moments?

And I knew the answer to that. I felt the hellfire a little closely.

So I added another shift to the food pantry, and I volunteered to help make the flyers for the festival. It was the least I could do, especially as every time I tried to pray—even my rosaries—I thought only of Father Raphael.

The pantry received a large, monthly delivery from the diocese’s county collection program. The rest of the goods—cereals, canned products, and household supplies—were donated from the parish and from collections. Most of the boxes had yet to be unloaded. I looked forward to doing the inventory, stocking the shelves, and filling out the spreadsheets.

It was all good busy work that prevented my mind from wandering. Especially since I wielded an X-acto knife to open the delivered boxes. The last thing I needed was to get distracted with the blade and come out of my shift looking like I endured the Stigmata.

The older ladies who ran the pantry weren’t the kind of Catholics who liked that joke. I was willing to bet Father Raphael would laugh though.

And he had a wonderful laugh.

The shift passed quickly. It took an hour before the little bell rang in the reception area. Judy manned the sign-in sheet out front, but she called for me to join her, a slight catch in her voice.

“
Honor
!” She peeked into the shelves. “Your…mother is here.”

What in the world?

I dropped the box and snuck to the front, my heart stopping as Mom picked up the sign in form and jotted down her name in huge, bold script. She grinned and waved her hands to gather me in a hug.

“There’s my busy little bee! I feel like I
never
get to see my baby anymore.”

It might have been deliberate. The more hours I had with the church and classes, the less time I had to spend in the apartment.

I greeted her with a forced smile. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

“What’s it look like?”

I prayed she meant she was volunteering. “Um, you’re…”

“
Shopping
, silly!”

Judy grabbed her cell. She twisted a finger through her devil-red hair, just waiting for the gossip to spread through her rumor-mill phone tree. I took the clipboard from Mom and smiled politely to Judy.

“I need a couple minutes. Can you cover me?”

Judy hummed. “
Absolutely
, sweetheart.”

The door jingled as I led Mom outside. I made a mental note to rip the metal bell off the frame the instant I returned.

“Mom, what are you doing?” I kept my voice low. “We don’t need food from the pantry.”

“The house is
empty
, Honor.” She sighed. “I’m not used to having two mouths to feed.”

I silently calculated the amount in my bank account, subtracted gas and my cell phone bill, and hated the number that returned. But I’d make it work. If I lived on Ramen last semester, I could certainly make a better meal with a real kitchen instead of an illegal hotplate.

“I’ll go shopping after this shift, okay?” I said. “I’ll bring us home dinner too.”

“Don’t be silly. That’s why the pantry is here. The women at the church told me to come by, and here I am.”

“You have to be pre-qualified.”

“And we are. Times are tough, but you knew that.”

“No,” I said. “I’m working. I can afford groceries. This food is for—”

“Those who
need
it.”

“And that’s not
us
. It’s young families. Women who left abusive husbands. The elderly who had nothing for retirement. Disabled veterans. But I can make ends meet, Mom.”

“And you
are
, baby.” Mom brushed my cheek. “But you’re working so hard. You’ve taken on so many responsibilities in the church. If I had half the ambition that you did…a lot of things would be different now. No drugs. No booze. No jail. But this is the reality. Your father is gone, God be with him, and we fell on harder times.”

I wouldn’t let the bitterness eat through me. “You’re not taking food from the pantry.”

“
We’re
not. You mean,
we’re
not taking food, right?”

It wasn’t often Mom’s newfound optimism faded, and a harder edge shadowed her voice. But the program and steps made it clear that she was to accept herself and others and be grateful for life. No resentment, no anger, no sorrow anymore—not when she was alive and free from the addictions.

“I know this is hard,” Mom said. “Your father worked long hours to avoid charity—”

“Dad put in fifty or sixty hours a week until…”

“Until he died.”

No. Until
she
had needed his help. Until he had to reduce his hours and sacrifice his ability to support the family to enable Mom as she drank herself almost to death.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Mom’s lips pressed thin, and she folded her hands.

“Honor…I lost the appeal for the SNAP program because of the drug conviction.”

I wish she’d kept her voice down.

I smiled politely at Mr. and Mrs. Popp as they headed into the pantry. The entire congregation would spread this gossip by the end of the day.

“We’ve survived without it before,” I said. “I can pay for groceries.”

“For now…” Mom took my hand. “Honor, baby, I didn’t want to burden you with all this. It’s just been so nice having you home again. I missed you growing up, even though you were right there the whole time. Now I hoped we could reconnect and…really become a family again.”

A family without Dad.

“But there’s a problem,” Mom said. “The diocese was kind enough to give me a little money every month for rent. However, it was only temporary. It runs out next month.”

My stomach curdled, and any hope I had of staying even a part-time student vanished.

We needed
more
money?

I’d have to cut back on the volunteering. Get a full-time job. I had no idea if I could find anything good without a degree.

“We might be able to renew the program,” she said. “But we need a letter on our behalf.”

“A letter?” I liked that spark of hope. “From who? The charity’s manager?”

“No, from someone in the church.” She gave me a sheepish glance. “Father Raphael would be perfect. And you seem to have a good rapport with him. If you could convince him to write a letter to the diocese—”

“You want me to ask Father Rafe for
charity
?”

“I want you to ask him for
help
.”

I could reveal my innermost fantasies to him.

Kiss him.

Arch as his aggressive and gentle and fierce and confident hands gripped my hips.

But this? Asking anyone for help was mortifying, let alone wishing for a favor from the man who explored such terrible and wonderful feelings with me.

I’d been humiliated by my desires, but still had my pride. I’d survived childhood and adolescence without charity.

Except now? I didn’t have enough money or any contacts or any leads for work that could help me support her.

But if taking food from the pantry seemed wrong, living in the women’s shelter wouldn’t feel right either.

I nodded. “I’ll go shopping after my shift…and then I’ll talk with Father Rafe.”

“You’re a good girl, Honor. A good
woman
.” Mom hugged me. “But you listen here. Don’t you spend all your energy on me. I ask for help when I need it, and I acknowledge that my life is my responsibility now. Your money and time is still your own.” She pulled away to study my face. “But you always did love family.”

I loved Dad.

Did that count?

God, what was wrong with me?

I said goodbye and headed inside only after I was certain Mom left. Judy waited with a box.

“No food tonight?” She practically salivated, like she couldn’t wait to tell the rest of the church of our misfortune. “Honor, you can’t go
hungry
.”

“We won’t.” I took the box from her and returned it to the shelves. “Cross our name off the list.”

She didn’t take the hint. “The other women and I are concerned.”

“Concerned?”

“If your mother is…relapsing.”

“She’s not.”

“But in case she is—”

“She’s clean!” I didn’t mean to shout it, but the word spat out with more venom than if I proclaimed another addiction. “She’s been sober for a year. Whatever happened in the past is over.”

“But—”

“Yes, she
was
an addict. Yes, she went to jail. Now she’s out, and she wants to be a part of the community. Is that a problem?”

Judy offered me that sappy head-tilt, like everyone did when they thought I was acting like a child.
Naïve
. But I was never innocent to Mom’s problems.

“We just want to be certain we can trust her during our functions.” Judy folded her hands. “What with the old issues and the money problems, and she signed up to help in the concession stand—”

The thought horrified me. “Do you think she’s going to
steal
from the concession stand?”

“No, of course not—”

“I told you she’s better. She’s worked hard. She’s a new person. She’s not the woman she was for the past sixteen years.” I gritted my teeth. “St. Cecilia’s isn’t very forgiving, is it?”

“Honor—”

“I have to go take care of some things for my
mother
.” I swung my purse and laptop bag over my shoulder. “Cover my shift.”

Judy paled. “Honestly, Honor, I didn’t mean anything by it—”

“Like hell.”

I slammed the door behind me and made it to the car before the anger prickled tears in my eyes. That frustration wasn’t directed at Judy or Mom.

At least, not the new Mom.

I shouldn’t have needed to defend her. Mom was clean. New. Forgiven. She started fresh—alone, without Dad to help.

Wasn’t that enough for them? Wasn’t it admirable that she tried to fit together the pieces of her shattered life?

No one liked her past, not the church, not me, but that was the darkness we weren’t supposed to forget. Those ragged, empty years
had
to stay there. We
had
to talk about them.
Acknowledge
them.

Accept them as something that happened.

But I wasn’t a fool. Accepting that terrible past was about as easy as confessing sins.

It gave me an idea. I checked the time. Father Raphael held Reconciliations on Wednesdays, and I could make it to the church before his hours were done.

Maybe it’d be easier that way.

I arrived at St. Cecilia’s with ten minutes to spare. No one waited in the sanctuary, and the confessional door was propped open, waiting for a penitent soul.

I prayed before I went inside, knowing full well what happened the last time I entered. I willingly trapped myself in the memory. This favor pained me, and I hoped having a solid wall and screen between us would…help?

Make it easier?

Give us distance?

I sunk onto the kneeler. The door closed, and I blinked in the darkness. Father Raphael shifted, and the light cast by his phone abruptly darkened.

“Go ahead, my child,” he murmured. “I’m listening.”

How could a man be this intimidating and yet so
comforting
? I nearly forgot to speak. His voice embraced me just as dangerously as his arms.

“Bless me, Father…” I crossed myself and sighed. “I…need a favor.”

“Honor?”

“Hi.”

“Hi.” His words warmed, like he was smiling.

I loved that I made him smile.

“Do you have a minute?” I asked. “There’s no one else here.”

His amusement grew. “Is that so?”

I groaned. What was it about this box that made all my words twist? I hadn’t meant to flirt. I didn’t think I’d tempted him.

Or had I?

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean it that way.” I sighed, lowering my head. “It’s just been…a humbling day.”

“Problems at the food pantry?”

“How’d you know?”

He shifted, and I imagined he pocketed his phone. “I got a couple texts from Judy.”

“Great.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

The authority in his voice amplified within the confessional. He had such a power, not just over me, but over the entire congregation.
Good
power, but a control nevertheless. His ability to grant absolution through the Lord was awe-inspiring, but even that blessing gutted me.

His whisper stole my breath, and his words warmed me. Absolution seemed as unlikely as being able to support my family.

“I um…have to talk to you,” I said.

“Would you prefer to speak in my office?”

Yeah, right. The office was just as dangerous as the confessional. I didn’t trust my strength, discipline, or patience now. I needed comfort, and I’d take the wrong kind from him.

“This is easier, actually,” I said.

“Are you confessing, my angel?”

“Maybe? No.” I shivered over the nickname. “Do you remember that day in the adoration chapel? When I asked for you to be a priest for a few minutes?”

“Yes.”

“Could I have that Father Raphael back?”

He hesitated. His words might have edged hard, but he had infinite patience for me. Wasn’t sure I deserved it.

“Honor, you never lost him.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m a priest, first and foremost. I live for this community. If you need me, I’ll be here.
Always
. I promise.”

I believed him, and that’s what made this so much harder.

“I need a favor from you. As a
priest
.”

“Anything.”

“The Second Chances charity is organized by the diocese. Mom had been a part of it. They helped her with her rent.” I lowered my gaze. “Our rent.”