Becoming Johanna (5 page)

Her face fell when she
heard it cost twice as much as the end table.

“
Here,” Derrick said,
handing the salesman a credit card. “I’ve got it
covered.”

“
I’ll pay you back,
Derrick, as soon as I get paid. I promise.”

“
Don’t worry about it.” He
smiled.

But she did worry about
it. She gave the salesman all the cash she had on her so Derrick
would only have to pay the difference. In the end, she also had to
let him buy her aspirin because she had no money left.

He carried the small chest
into the cottage and squeezed it in between the couch and the
bedroom door. Johanna picked up her lamp from the floor and placed
it on the chest.

“
Turn it on,” Derrick
said, “so you get the full effect.”

“
I can’t,” she answered.
“I don’t have any light bulbs.”

He looked around the room
at the sparse furnishings. When he had picked her up for their
date, she had rushed out the door without inviting him inside.
“What’s in here?” He walked into the bedroom.

“
Nothing.”

“
And in here?” He looked
in the bathroom and saw a single toothbrush sitting in a plastic
cup on the edge of the sink and a roll of paper towels.

“
It’s just a
bathroom.”

He opened the cabinet
under the sink. She had placed her cleaning supplies there, plus an
extra roll of toilet tissue.

“
How can you live like
this?”

“
Like what?”

“
Without
necessities.”

“
I’m fine.”

“
Why don’t you ask that
boyfriend of yours for money?”

“
I’m fine,” she
repeated.

He walked out of the
bedroom and straight for the kitchen. He opened the cupboard and
saw a single plate, a single cup, and a box of plastic cutlery. Her
one pot sat on the stove—empty. He pulled open the fridge. It held
what remained of the few groceries she had purchased the first day.
“You have nothing.”

“
I get by.”

“
Get by? I had to buy you
aspirin!”

She wanted to throw the
aspirin at him and tell him to get out, but she really needed the
aspirin and felt indebted to him. “Derrick, my headache is getting
worse. I have to ask you to leave. I’ll pay you back on Friday when
I get paid.” She pushed him out the door and locked it.

She knew she had nothing,
but it hurt her pride to have other people remark about it.
I should have gotten the cheaper end table. I
could have waited for the chest.
But it
was too late. She owed Derrick, and she wondered if he was going to
expect interest, in return.

That week she worked extra
hard and didn’t even take time for coffee breaks; after all, she
couldn’t afford to buy coffee. She was so involved in her work she
didn’t notice the elderly man who came out of her boss’s
office.

But he noticed her. He
inquired about her by name but was told he was wrong—that she was
Johanna Charette, not Josefina Charo.
Could the similarity in names be a coincidence? I think
not.
He didn’t say anything about it to
her boss. He would keep her secret.

Finally! She received her
first paycheck. Taxes took a bite out of what she expected, but her
salary would still go a long way toward helping her become
self-sufficient. Except a chunk would have to go to Derrick for the
chest. She had filled it with all her possessions the day after she
got it, with room to spare. Now she couldn’t imagine being without
it, yet she still berated herself for buying it.
I should have waited until I saved enough
money.
She had enough to pay Derrick, and
she could buy food, but there was little left over for anything
else. She had been rotating the same skirt and pants with two tops
and one sweater she owned for work, but she felt cheap and frumpy
and feared people would make fun of her. In fact, Amaranda had
already pointed out her lack of clothes sense and threatened to
take her on a shopping spree. It might have been fun, but now, the
cold hard fact of budgeting, and paying bills, and being on her
own, were starting to take hold.

She dared not buy any more
to eat than she had the previous week, although she did splurge on
a package of small foil wrapped chocolates and a container of
orange juice. She eyed the coffee longingly but didn’t have a
coffee pot and still couldn’t afford one if she paid Derrick back.
He told her not to “worry about it.” But she did. She didn’t want
to be beholden to anyone. But she needed bug spray and wished she
could afford a can of paint so she could brighten up the dingy
walls in her cottage. The woman who rented it said
she
couldn’t afford to
paint it, but if Johanna wanted to, it was all right with her. She
would have to hold off on paint.

She didn’t own a phone, or
a car, or even a second pair of shoes. Her jacket wasn’t very warm
because she had rarely ventured out from Peakie’s. And it would be
so nice to have another blanket. The nights were getting colder,
and the wind whistling through the ill-fitting windows chilled her
to the bone.
Oh, and
curtains
! She knew she would feel
safer
,
and
warmer,
and sleep better if she could
cover the windows.

After considerable
deliberation, she gave Derrick half the money she owed him and told
him she’d give him the rest the following week. She used the money
she held onto to go on a lunch hour shopping spree with Amaranda
and bought a new top, a warm coat, and a pair of boots. Amaranda
insisted she buy a scarf as well, saying Johanna could use it with
and without the coat to add style. They chatted while they waited
on the cashier’s line. Amaranda had just started her own fashion
blog and asked Johanna if she could use her as a test
subject.
She took pictures of Johanna’s
purchases on her cell phone and explained how she could mix and
match her clothing for the best effect. When they got to the
register, Johanna spotted wristwatches. She had never owned one
before and thought how nice it would be to check the time whenever
she felt like it. She impulsively grabbed one and put it on the
counter with her purchases. The cashier rang it up and announced
the total. Johanna pulled out her money and realized she didn’t
have enough. “I’m a little short of cash.” She pointed to the
watch. “You can keep that. I can do without it.”

“
No, you can’t,” said
Amaranda. She handed the cashier her credit card. “I’ll pay for
this.” She turned to Johanna. “You can pay me back next Friday when
you get paid.”

Johanna hated racking up
more debt.
But I really do need a warm
coat,
she reasoned to
herself
.
In the
end, she capitulated. “Okay.”

She was excited about her
purchases, and since Amaranda had charged the entire amount,
Johanna felt like she had extra cash. She was normally pragmatic,
but instead of saving the money, she used it to buy a comforter to
keep her warm at night. And curtains. And a coffee pot. And a
radio. And real cutlery. And a scented candle.

That evening, Derrick
stopped her as she left work to walk home, laden with packages. “I
came by to give you a surprise, but it looks like I’d better give
you a ride home first. You have way too much to carry.” After
helping her with her packages, he presented her with a new driver’s
license. “We can’t have you flouting state law by carrying a
license with the wrong address on it. I know your family lives at
the other address, but it looks like you’re slowly setting up an
apartment here for a long-term stay. I hope you don’t mind that I
put the address change through without asking. I wanted to surprise
you.”

“
That’s so nice of you.”
Johanna flung her arms around him and hugged him, then overcome
with embarrassment over her sudden compulsion, pushed him away.
“Sorry. I got carried away.”

“
You can get carried away
with me any time you like.”

“
Thanks again,” she said.
“I wish I could invite you to stay, but I’m … uh … having dinner
with my landlady.”

Johanna leaned against the
door after Derrick left and sighed.
Another lie.

That Friday, Johanna
cashed her paycheck and realized she had barely enough money to pay
Amaranda and
Derrick and buy groceries.
Not to mention, she really needed a toaster and a dress. Derrick
had taken her out to dinner a second time, and she felt woefully
underdressed at the restaurant he chose. A dress and high heels
would be nice. In the end, she put both her friends off another
week. There would be plenty of money to pay them as soon as she got
settled in.

She spent more than she
planned on a really nice dress, a pair of high heels, and a cute
little pocketbook to go with them. She also bought a tote bag for
work. Her eyes widened when she saw the bill. Once again, she
pointed out items the cashier could take off the bill.

“
Why do that, honey,” the
cashier asked, “when I can just open a store account for you, and
you’ll get ten percent off whatever you buy today?”

Johanna agreed, filled out
the credit application, received a temporary card, and started to
carry her packages back home. Then she realized she still had money
in her wallet because she charged everything and took a taxi
instead.

That afternoon, she went
out again and bought paint, brushes, and a drop cloth, and found
out how expensive painting could be. She originally planned to make
the walls white, but when the clerk asked “what color white,” and
she saw all the different variations, she didn’t choose white at
all. Instead, the store mixed up a pale silvery blue that made her
think of ice castles in the sky for the living room, light creamy
gold for the kitchen, and a delicate sage green for the bedroom and
bathroom. She nearly emptied her wallet to pay the bill, and when
she saw them stacking all her purchases on the counter, she
realized she’d never be able to lug it all home. She asked the
clerk to call a taxi for her, and once again she was
broke.

Johanna spent all day
Sunday painting her tiny cottage. She felt a new sense of place—of
home—when she applied her last brush stroke. She discarded the
supplies and plastic drop cloths that littered the floor and
furniture, then threw open the windows and sat on her futon wrapped
in her new blanket—in the cold—while she waited for the paint to
dry and the odor to dissipate. As she sat there, she envisioned
what the space would look like with curtains, a picture on the
wall, and an armoire in the bedroom for her clothes. The dress she
had just purchased remained in a thin plastic garment bag hanging
from a nail sticking out of the bathroom door.

She thought of her
finances. She owed money to Derrick, Amaranda, and the department
store. To make matters worse, her rent was due the following week.
Her stomach flip-flopped when she realized she couldn’t pay them
all. She would have to put her friends off again. Her rent was
going to eat up her entire paycheck. At least the department store
hadn’t sent her a bill yet. She hoped it would forget all about her
but knew it was only a matter of time.

The next day, her boss
told her he needed her to work on a special weekend project. “It’s
important. I need you to stay late Friday to start the inventory
and come in Saturday and Sunday until it’s done. Everyone else has
commitments. You’re the only one who can do this. Your job depends
on it.”

“
Will there be additional
pay for it?”

“
We’ll work something
out.”

In a way, Johanna was
relieved. It meant she had an excuse not to see Derrick or
Amaranda, and perhaps by the time she did, she might have the money
to pay them.

In the days that followed,
Johanna found herself avoiding both her friends. For the first
time, she felt happy about not having a phone. It meant neither of
them could easily reach her.

After work on Friday, her
manager brought her back to the warehouse. She had never been there
before and was overwhelmed by its sheer size. “What do I have to
do?” she asked.

“
Count the books. All of
them.”

“
Who will be helping
me?”

“
It’s just you. No one
else is available. We need this as soon as possible so our
accountant can submit it with our year-end assets summary.” He
handed her a clipboard filled with blank forms. “If you need more
forms, there’s a copy machine up there.” He pointed to a door
connected to the main floor by a rickety set of stairs. “I’d better
unlock it for you.”

He soon returned and
handed Johanna a couple of extra pencils. “Use a new form for each
shelf, and be sure to write the shelf number on top.” He showed her
where to find that information. “Normally, we would ask you to
write down the ISBN for each carton of books.” Johanna felt faint.
“But seeing that you’re doing this alone, we’ll make do with just
the total number of cartons on each shelf. That is, unless the box
is open. Then we’ll need you to count the books inside and give us
an item count.” He pointed to a tall metal ladder on a runner.
Every bank of shelves had one. “You can use that to inspect the
boxes on the top shelves. Make sure they’re not open. If they are,
we’ll need an item count. And that’s it. Have a nice
weekend!”