Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (16 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

BOOK: Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half
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Being romantic is often difficult for us men because it is uncomfortable. We run the risk of making fools of ourselves. But understand that the benefits we receive from making our wives feel special and treasured far outweigh the extra effort and risk we take. Often it is not as difficult as we think. Here’s how one woman described being romanced:
I find it romantic when my husband surprises me when he’s thought through a special event or gift and I’ve not had a clue; when he surprises me by making dinner; when he tells me I am smart, wise, or clever. Whenever we do something as a team, I appreciate the moment. It could be cutting down a Christmas tree or talking about our family budget.
If he is fully engaged, then it is romantic.
These moments are rare, and so they are especially sweet. I wish that I knew how to help him be fully engaged. I think I would find it romantic if he would stop me from opening my own door and say, “Let me.” Any small expression of care means so much to me.
 
Women frequently mention the importance of men being “engaged,” or being fully aware and not preoccupied while interacting with them, as a part of romance. They feel that when their men are fully engaged and connected with them, they care about them, and consequently it makes the women more interested in sex.
Let me say this as plainly as possible, men. If you want your physical needs met consistently, it behooves you to meet your wife’s needs for romance on a consistent basis.
The Chase
 
Women are wired to feel fulfilled by nonsexual affection. When they receive it, they naturally respond with physical affection. Men are wired to feel fulfilled with sexual affection. It is a man’s responsibility to first serve a woman by honoring and cherishing her with nonsexual affection to ultimately get his physical needs met.
Unfortunately, many men get that turned around. In our desire to get our own needs met, we neglect to fulfill our wives’ needs first. A woman has a powerful need to know she is beautiful and sought after. Perhaps the greatest need of every woman is the need to know she is beautiful. To be pursued is to know that.
My wife loves it when I pursue her. A woman should be pursued and fought for as a prize to be won. This makes her feel cherished and makes her more valuable and treasured in the eyes of a man. A man who has had to work hard to “win” a woman’s affections appreciates her all the more.
Men enjoy the chase, but unfortunately romance is something that most men are not very good at. The stakes (rejection and humiliation) are too high, and so many men don’t even try.
But each woman was created by God with a desire for her husband (Gen. 3:16). Because of that, she has a desire to make herself beautiful in order to attract her husband’s attention and affections. She wants to be desired physically by her husband just as she has been wired to desire him. Therefore, it is important for her to hear that she is beautiful.
Guys, your wife needs to hear that you love her, and she needs to hear it frequently. Women tend to place more value on verbal communication than men and so need to hear our love for them.
Oftentimes men feel that our actions (such as working hard) should speak of our love for them, but it’s been my experience that women seldom see things like this in the same light. If I get busy doing “important” things like writing, speaking, and running a ministry, Suzanne eventually starts to feel left out. I may be working hard in part to express my love for her by providing. If she feels like she’s not getting enough of my attention, she starts to wilt like a flower whose stem has been cut and left out of water. She will even begin acting out a little in order to get my attention. Sometimes that means she will do things just to aggravate me in order to get me to focus attention on her. If I continue to ignore her warning signals, they escalate into serious problems in our relationship.
When I finally get it and start paying proper attention to her needs, she’s happy and contented again. Once she’s satisfied that I still love her, need her, and desire her, she is fine again for a while. My challenge is to understand that she needs consistent
verbal
expressions of my love for her in the same way I need consistent
physical
expressions of her love for me. If she were to ignore my need for physical attention, I would start getting cranky and act out too.
A woman wants to know that her man thinks about her when she’s not in his presence. That’s why flowers brought home or sent to her work for no reason are so popular—it tells her you were thinking about her. Obligatory flowers and treats (for anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, doghouse days, etc.), while still necessary, do not earn as many bonus points.
It’s been my experience that little things mean a lot to a woman. Cards, little treasures, odd sparkly items, even cheap jewelry seem to mean more to a woman than I can figure out—they’re just useless junk to me. I envision even in prehistoric times a caveman bringing home some silly little wilted flower or shiny rock from a hunting trip and being greeted with excitement by his mate. And of course all the other cavewomen would be envious and shoot dirty looks with hands on hips at their men, who are muttering to themselves with their heads down and furtively casting the first caveman looks of resentment and betrayal. Soon all the other cavemen are rather lamely placing wilted flowers at the feet of their own mates to appease their anger and hurt feelings.
Romance is not just a stop along the way to sex. It is an essential part of fulfilling your wife’s need to feel loved and desired. She has a compelling need to know she is beautiful in your eyes, and that need requires frequent and consistent reinforcement. Just like men’s egos require consistent reinforcement because we secretly feel inadequate, your wife secretly feels undesirable and thus unworthy or even unlovable. Tell her every day that you love her. Then show her you love her by giving her a little romance. You won’t be sorry.
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made her so different.
Women enjoy being romanced even if it doesn’t end in sex.
Women think with their emotions.
A woman wants to know you are thinking about her in her absence.
Little things like flowers and cards are important to a woman.
 
Get inside Her Head
Romance is important to a woman because it makes her feel special and cherished.
Romance increases a woman’s self-image and self-value.
Romance is fundamental to a woman’s happiness and contentment.
 
Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“Honey, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“I love you with all my heart.”
“You are such a good wife and mother.”
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“You need to lose weight.”
“I don’t find you attractive.”
“You’re only good for one thing.”
“Why can’t you be more like [fill in the blank]?”
“Bill’s wife is hot!”
Women’s Mood
# 2
 
Nesting
 
Home Sweet Home
 
 
 
A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman.
Marlene Dietrich
 
 
W
hen I married Suzanne in 1981 at the age of twenty-five, I had been a bachelor since I left home the day I graduated high school. The apartment I lived in at the time was pretty spartan: one chair, a television, a bed, and a dresser. I had one plate (I mostly used paper plates), one glass, and one set of silverware—oh, and a steak knife. Since I seldom cooked anything, I had no pots or pans except the broiler plate that came with the oven. As I remember, the first time Suzanne looked in my refrigerator, it contained a small jar of mayonnaise, a few slices of stale cheese, several bottles of beer, and two eggs. (I’m pretty sure I had at least a box or two of Kraft macaroni and cheese and a can of chili in the cupboards as well.) I had everything I needed to live contentedly as a single man.
As soon as Suzanne moved in and took over, there was a sudden flurry of purchasing, stocking, shelving, and supplying. It felt as though we were getting outfitted for the end of civilization. Nearly every day we were dragging something heavy up the stairs into the apartment. Since I didn’t have much say about the process anyway, I basically just stayed quiet and did what I was told. While she turned my man cave into a home in short order, it all seemed a bit frantic and excessive to me.
A woman has a natural desire to cultivate an environment that best allows her to raise a family. She does this by seeking out an environment with the provision and protection factors in place that allow her to safely have children and then nurture them as they grow. Many women I’ve spoken with agree with the young mother who said, “It’s important to me to feel like my family is well cared for. This includes the house being clean, clothes washed, and meals prepared.”
Women care about and value life. They are givers of life. They are born to nurture their children. A woman has a God-ordained role to be a companion to her husband. She completes his life. But she needs to feel safe in order to accomplish these roles. My friend Tim’s wife expressed it this way: “I need a feeling of safety. Because we live in a very unsafe world and so much is out of our control, knowing that God is with us is my security . . . but having a man who cares enough to sacrifice day in and day out to provide is very important.”
This need for security has been ingrained in a woman’s genes from thousands of years of women rearing children and nurturing families. Her natural desire to nurture leads her to feel uncomfortable in unsettled circumstances and more content in a stable, protected environment. A man’s natural drive to take risks is often at odds with his wife’s nesting instincts. One of the more important aspects that fulfills a woman’s need for safety and security and thus allows her to fulfill her role as nurturer is her home or “nest.”
Her Home
 
A woman’s home means a lot to her. It is where she raises her children and provides nourishment and sustenance for her family. It is a safe environment to nurture and grow relationships. She desires to make her “nest” comfortable, as it often is a reflection of who she is. Sometimes she’s compelled to fluff up or even change her nest around. This is evidenced by the annual ritual of spring cleaning. It is also reflected in those times I come home from a trip to find all the furniture in the house rearranged. It generally takes me about two weeks to keep from stubbing my toe as I navigate around the house in the dark.
One of the challenges my wife and I faced when starting our ministry was the potential of losing our home due to lack of funds. I was surprised at how well Suzanne dealt with that issue, but I also know how much it concerned her. The possibility of losing the home in which she had raised her children and invested so much of herself had to be scary and troubling to her sense of security.
Having a home she can call her own gives a woman a sense of security she cannot get from any other source. A recent seminar attendee expressed the sense of security like this: “My home is my castle. It’s my safe place where I can be myself without threat of judgment or rejection. My home is my place to create and express who I am and to bless others through. It’s a place to relax and just be me.”
Many women will encourage their husbands not to take risks or even job promotions if it threatens their sense of security. Change of any kind is frequently risky and causes concern in most women. To risk losing her home is traumatic and threatens her sense of well-being. Her natural instinct is to avoid or discourage anything that might jeopardize that. She has an aversion to risk taking and typically focuses more on the short-term, immediate needs of her family. This is in contrast to men, who instinctively look to the future and tend to have a long-range outlook on life.
As men and husbands, we need to be aware of this predilection in our wives and base our career decisions around that need for security. My poor wife endured my leaving a secure corporate position to start my own business nearly twenty years ago. I started it right after we had purchased our first home and had two small children. Then three years ago when we (finally) seemed secure again, I launched into full-time ministry, trying to make a living as an author and a speaker. It’s a testament to her character and strength that she stuck by me and supported me in each of those situations. Perhaps our strong relationship heightened her sense of security during these changes.
The truth is that security for a woman often comes in forms other than a paycheck. Her relationships are also a big part of having the security she needs to be content and comfortable with her life.

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