Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half (7 page)

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Authors: Rick A Johnson

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Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“Thank you for all the hard work you do to provide for us.”
“You are such a good provider.”
“I support whatever decision you make regarding your job because I trust you.”
“I know your job is important, but Johnny really needs your help to build a car so he can race it in the Pinewood Derby.”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“You care more about work than you do me.”
“Sally’s husband always gives her expensive gifts and exotic trips.”
“I’m sick of living like this.”
“I never have enough money to buy what we need.”
Men’s Mode # 3
 
Play
 
Win the Game!
 
 
 
A man’s maturity: that is to have rediscovered the seriousness he possessed as a child at play.
Friedrich Nietzsche
 
 
M
en closely resemble little boys in several ways, but especially in the way they play. I recently spoke at a Dads and Sons camp. For three days we enjoyed skits, songs, and playing together in the beautiful Santa Cruz Mountains. After the first day or so, the shell—that veil of protection that most men have—began to slip off the dads and they started acting more and more like their sons. They rode the zip line across a creek, climbed trees, and endured the ropes course together. The highlight of the camp came on Sunday morning when dads and sons shot off the rockets they’d built together over the weekend. The loudest cheers came for either those rockets that performed magnificently or those that crashed and burned, resulting in near-injury-causing explosions.
As I sat in the back of the room each day before speaking, I watched the dads and sons sing goofy camp songs together and hop around with the dance moves and motions that go along with them. With no women in the room to keep things in check, men and boys both were soon booming out the lyrics and each “bustin’ a move” to the beat of the songs—the boys resembling miniature versions of their dads as they were all swept away with the joy of the music. It wasn’t the most graceful exhibition I’ve ever seen, but it certainly was funny!
Boys and men are both drawn to adventure and action, often in the form of play. It’s one of the reasons sports are so popular with males of all ages. Because we are made to be performance-oriented, competition is a natural enticement for males.
Competition
 
Have you ever noticed how competitive men are? My son and I were recently watching the Olympic Games on TV. He came up with a great idea, sort of an Olympics for regular guys—the Man Games. This is where average guys would compete in things men do every day. The events would consist of challenges such as changing tires, mowing lawns, finding and clicking the TV remote (speed channel surfing), making sandwiches, napping, grilling and barbecuing (and its popular sister event—eating brats), and asking directions (where men get dropped off with a car in a strange city and timed on how long it takes them to get back—I anticipate days for some men). Events with a high or dangerous degree of difficulty might be activities like changing diapers, making beds, or loading the dishwasher, using women judges who would score them based on technique, speed, aesthetics, and proficiency. I think men would flock to competitions like these.
Needless to say, competing is part of a man’s makeup. Competition plays a big role in a man’s life. In fact, a man is always measuring himself against other men. He does so in a number of areas, including (but not limited to) how much income he makes; how physically attractive his wife is; how well his children do in life; how much power he has; his execution of a variety of measurable, performance-based activities; how significant his life is; what kind of “toys” he has; and what he does for a living. This is often not an in-your-face kind of competition but more of an internal measurement.
Some (many) men play like they work—driven, hard, all out, no holds barred. This may make it hard for them to include their wives, who may be looking for a more laid-back kind of recreation. I’ve known some men who were so competitive at everything they did that their wives and kids didn’t want to be any part of it. Men need to control this competitive desire so that their families can enjoy being part of the recreational time.
Men even compete with themselves. I compete against myself all the time. I always try to beat my previous performance no matter what I’m doing. Sometimes that’s just getting to the store faster than I did the last time. Every time I write a new book, I hope it’s better than the last one. Every time I speak in public, I hope I connect and wow the audience a little better than the time before. And every year, I try to be more successful and make more money than the last. This self-competition drives me to succeed and pushes me to perform even when I would rather sit around on a tropical beach.
Is this competitive mentality healthy for a man? I suspect, like anything, it is and it isn’t. Too much of anything is unhealthy, and competition is no exception. Likewise, too little of something can also be unhealthy. Men who are too competitive are often obnoxious and destructive in their relationships. Men with no or little competitive drive generally don’t accomplish much in life.
Dreams
 
Men need dreams. Dreams inspire a man and allow him an escape from the mundane pressures of life. They give him hope. Sometimes his dreams are just pipe dreams, and sometimes they are dreams with the potential to become reality.
Even though I am way too old, I still have visions of playing third base for the Dodgers and hitting the game-winning home run in game seven of the World Series. Picture this: It’s a brilliant, sunshiny Southern California day in October, and Rick Johnson steps up to the plate with two out in the bottom of the ninth inning. The Dodgers are down by one run and on the brink of another year as a team that couldn’t clinch the series. Johnson runs the count full before finally crushing a towering two-run walk-off home run to dead center field ... and the fans go wild.
Or I daydream about rescuing a beautiful woman (my wife, of course) from terrorists, like James Bond would, using all my ingenuity, intelligence, and exceptional athleticism. Of course, this would require me to drive fast cars recklessly across Europe, jump off high cliffs into blue Caribbean waters, shoot all sorts of large-caliber guns, and demolish at least twenty bad guys in hand-to-hand combat. Then I would grab my wife and make a spectacular escape by swinging on a rope across a deep chasm just before a bomb goes off—all the while looking dapper in my black tuxedo (although I’d probably look more like John McClane at the end of a
Die Hard
movie). And as our lips finally meet, I would stand a bit taller, knowing that I am a hero in my wife’s eyes and she is more in love with me than ever.
Or how about an Indiana Jones fantasy?
And don’t think I and every other guy in church don’t daydream at one time or another about how we would leap up and tackle the nutcase who walks into church with a gun, saving the lives of the women and children in the congregation.
Those kinds of daydreams are fantasy and escapism, which men need to indulge in from time to time.
Like other men, I’m sure, I’ve also dreamed about helping people, changing their lives, and making a difference in the world. I’ve yearned to be significant, to make a difference, to have the world know I existed—that I
mattered
. I wasn’t sure exactly how I could do that, but because I was willing to take risks to allow God to use me, I now get to see the fulfillment of some of those dreams through the work of our ministry. But it started with a dream that I nurtured in my heart until God was able to fulfill it. My wife encouraged that dream, and that is why I now live the best life I ever dreamed possible.
Playtime
 
Because men are under a lot of stress and pressure, they need time to relax and blow off steam. A friend of mine stated it this way: “A man needs some playtime—he needs to take out his frustrations on that little white ball. He needs a change from the all-day pressure cooker that his life can be—a time to relax, a time where he can do something of no significance, a time to do something fun.”
Because men are physical beings, part of playtime usually includes some form of physical exercise. Little boys play hard on the playground, climbing all over monkey bars, playing kick ball, and wrestling in the dirt. Men often play ball; go bowling, hiking, hunting, or fishing; race cars; or do some other outdoor activity together.
I personally get a lot of exercise—I frequently jump to conclusions. Seriously, though, I like to go to the gym to work out. My idea of a fun day is participating in some good, serious exercise, such as a power-lifting class, and then spending the rest of the day groaning about how sore I am.
You can’t pay my wife enough to go to the gym. Her idea of a good day is to read a book and take a nap. As you can imagine, vacationing together presents a challenge. I usually go parasailing while she goes shopping. She’s a pretty good sport, though, and most of the time she goes along with me if for no other reason than to make sure I don’t seriously injure myself.
Contrary to popular opinion, men like their wives to accompany them in their activities. They like their wives to be their companion while doing things they like to do. It is their way of developing intimacy. Guys that are friends
do
things together. Why wouldn’t a man want his wife and companion to do things with him as well?
The word
companion
fits women well. And it is a word that feels good to a man. I like having a companion when I go somewhere or even just watch the ball game. The word
com panion
evokes images of a trustworthy, accepting, friendly, and supportive ally. A man needs a companion in life.
One of my favorite things to do with Suzanne is take a walk in the evenings. It is my way of de-stressing from the day. It allows us to talk without distractions such as telephone calls, TV, or radios. Sometimes she doesn’t want to go with me, and I am always genuinely disappointed because walking together makes me feel closer to her.
As I write this, she is planning on going wilderness camping with me this summer for the first time ever. I’m excited because she will be sharing one of my favorite activities with me. I’m sure there are other things she’d rather do than carry a fifty-pound backpack a dozen miles into the mountains, sleep on the dirt under the stars, and eat freeze-dried food for days at a time (not to mention having no bathroom). It is something I have been doing for years. She previously told me that at her age, her days of sleeping in the dirt are over and that a five-star hotel is her idea of roughing it. But I think she senses my urgency to share this part of myself with her.
One man told me, “Men
must
have some play in their lives. It helps if their wife is involved. Find common interests and do them often. Do not judge play as childish or immature. Support it, encourage it, participate in it!”
If a woman can understand the need her husband has to balance work with play, she can be a big influence in making sure he is leading a healthier life. In addition, sharing the activities he enjoys builds intimacy and friendship. Men need to play, and they need their women to play with them. Ladies, join your husband—it will make your relationship better.
 
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
—Love the fact that God made him so different.
Men need to play, especially with other men.
Play for men often involves physical or outdoor activities.
Men need dreams even if they never act on them.
Men don’t always like to talk while at play. Talking is not a recreational activity for men.
Most men still have a little boy inside them.
 
Get inside His Head
A man likes his wife to be a companion in things he enjoys doing.
If his wife is dissatisfied with his income, a man will generally not take time off from work to play. If he does, he will not enjoy it.
While work is important, a man gets beat up by it. He needs time off to relax and recharge his battery.
 
Words Have Meaning
 
Words That Heal
“I think you should go fishing with the guys for a few days.”
“Can I go to the auto show with you? I like to hear you talk about all those hot rods.”
“How about taking a couple of days off from work so you and I can get away together alone?”
“I know how much you love bowling, so after work why don’t we go to the pro shop so you can get that new bowling ball you want?”
 
 
Words That Hurt
“Your stupid dreams will never amount to anything.”
“You’d rather play with your friends than spend time with me.”
“You’re such a little boy sometimes.”
“If you spent as much time on chores as you do on your hobbies, we’d live in a really nice home.”

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