Bed of Lies (43 page)

"Well, there you go. You stay there. I'm going to bring you something to eat."

She stayed, let Zach fuss over her and stay close, tried to smile and not act like she felt that the best thing she'd ever had in her life had just come crashing down in pieces around her.

Rachel brought her a piece of warm banana bread and some orange juice, and Julie forced herself to swallow it. Then she said she really wanted to go home. Zach insisted on driving her the whole five doors down. When they were inside, he sat down on the sofa beside her.

Looking serious and a bit scared, he said, "Okay, what was that?"

"I hadn't eaten anything—"

"Julie, no—"

"I really hadn't—"

"Lack of food isn't something that makes you look so sad you're about to cry." He frowned. "Come on. It's me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing—"

"Julie, in the last twenty-four hours, I've told you the scariest things in the world to me. Whatever's wrong, you can tell me. I'll help. I promise."

But she couldn't. He needed her right now, and she would never leave him while he needed her. She'd do anything for him, even if her heart broke doing it.

"It's just been a crazy day, Zach, and a crazy, stressful few weeks. I was really scared for you—"

"Stop." He pressed a finger to her lips, looking so understanding, so concerned. "It's me. I see right through you. I always have, and I can't imagine what's happened that I don't know about. I've hardly left your side since last night."

"It's not... Nothing happened."

"You're different. You're scared. And sad."

"I guess it just all... hit me at once. I mean, it's a lot, and I'll be fine with it. I just... got scared for a minute." And then, she just blurted it out, because she had nothing else left to say that really mattered. "I love you, Zach. I love you so much."

He looped an arm around her waist and pulled her onto his lap, so close their noses practically touched. "And why is that a bad thing? Why does that scare you so much now?"

"It's always scared me," she confessed. "Terrified me, because... I didn't ever really want to feel that way about anyone, because it leaves you so vulnerable, and you know I have a hard time trusting people—"

Again, that finger of his pressed to her lips.

"I know all of those things. Tell me what I don't know. Tell me what has you so scared all of a sudden? So sad? Because I'm going to be okay. The doctor said so. You can go with me to see her, if you need to hear it from her. I will do whatever she says I have to do to deal with this, and I'll be fine. I'm not asking you to take me like this, as a mess, I promise."

She nodded, crying, unable to help it any longer. "I know you'll be fine. I absolutely know it, and I have so much faith in you. You can do anything—"

"Except get you to tell me what's wrong," he said, then sat there, holding her, watching her and waiting.

That patience was going to be her undoing. He would wait forever and likely see through any lie. "I won't leave you," she began.

"Okay." Again, he just waited.

"I would never leave you when you needed me."

"Then we're good, because I'm never going to stop wanting you and needing you."

"Okay." She believed he believed that. He wouldn't lie to her. He might try desperately and fail to tell her the truth, when he was scared to death, but he wouldn't lie.

He took her chin in his hand and angled her head up to his until she had to look him in the eye. "No, honey, whatever it is, it's not okay."

"Well, I'm not going to hold you to any of this, once you're... you know, feeling better."

He frowned. "Hold me to it?"

"No. I mean, I know you think you know what you want right now, but later, if you change your mind... it's okay. I'll understand, and I'll be glad I was there when you needed me, but—"

"You think I'm only with you because I'm such a mess?"

"Maybe."

"I think I'm seeing more than a maybe. What happened?"

"Nothing happened," she cried. "I'm just telling you, if you change your mind later about everything, it's okay. You don't have to worry about me—"

"I have always worried about you. I always will. You matter to me. How you feel matters. What you want, what you need, matters, and whatever this is, we will deal with it. I can wait as long as it takes for you to tell me what's really going on. I know trusting someone doesn't come easily to you, but, honey, I thought you trusted me."

"I do. I really do." Which meant she didn't see how she could get out of this without telling him. He was the most stubborn and yet most patient man in the world. He wouldn't give up. Finally, she said, "I know why you're with me now."

"Okay, why?" he asked, his expression telling her that he knew he wasn't going to like her explanation, but had resigned himself to hearing it anyway.

"You're scared," she whispered. "You... come to me when you're scared. And I understand. It's okay. But you won't always be scared, and when you're not... that's okay, too."

He looked at her for the longest time. "Julie, it's the person you want by your side during the really hard times that matters. That's the person you can really count on, the one you trust, the one you need, the one you love."

"You think that now—"

"If we can be together and love each other in times like this, imagine how great our everyday lives together are going to be."

"I just want you to know, if you don't always feel that way—"

"This is about the panic attacks," he said, looking grim.

She closed her eyes, wishing so much she could hide things from him.

"This is about us ending up in bed together," he went on, "or on the floor or the table, and me not being honest with you at first about what was going on with me."

"Zach, it's okay," she cried.

"No, it's not," he said, so forcefully she thought she might dissolve away into the pain of that moment. He took her face in his hand, waited until she looked him in the eye. "Let me tell you what else it isn't. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of us. I won't let you make it that. It was a few really bad moments, and when I reached out for help, I reached for you. Not anybody else, Julie. You."

"I know that," she cried.

"And I know—I freely admit —it wasn't fair of me. Not at all, and I... I let it happen anyway. I hurt you and made you doubt everything between us, and I'm sorry. I am so sorry for that. I... I was just in such a terrible place, and then, there you were, and I latched onto you like a lifeline."

"I know. I understand."

"And now, you think I could have reached out to anybody who was there?"

"I'm glad it was me," she said through her tears. "I swear, I am, because I do love you. I always have—"

"Always?" He pulled her face up to his once again. "Really? Always? Because I feel like I had to drag it out of you, and you've always been so tentative about it. About loving me."

She nodded through her tears. "Always. Probably since you walked me home that first time and held my hand and stayed with me, so I wasn't alone, until someone came home. I just... never thought you'd love me back."

"And you still don't think so? You think I could have latched onto anybody in the middle of this mess I'm in, and I'd think I was in love with her? Whoever she was?"

Julie nodded once again.

"Really? And you think it was a complete coincidence that when I fell apart, it happened in Memphis, and you were there?"

"Yes. I guess so." She hadn't really thought about it that way.

"Because I don't think that at all. Maybe I knew it was finally safe for me to fall apart in Memphis because you were there, and I knew you'd help me. Did you ever think of that?"

"No." Never that.

"I think it was all meant to be, because we found each other.

"Please don't say that," she begged him.

"Julie, look at me." He took her hand and placed it over his heart. "I'm scared right now, but not nearly as much as I have been lately. I can breathe. My heart isn't racing. I'm not feeling the least bit panicked, and I'm with you. I'm right where I'm supposed to be, right where I want to be."

She shook her head. "I don't know how you can know that, know how you're going to feel when... your life is back to normal again."

"Okay, I can see how you'd have doubts. I understand. But are you willing to wait, right here with me, until things are back to normal, and see how I feel then?"

"I... well, yes," she finally whispered.

"Then, we'll be fine," he said, looking like a man who absolutely believed it. "Because I know how I feel. I'm not going to change my mind. I can wait as long as it takes for you to believe that, as long as I get to spend that time with you."

"You make it sound so easy," she protested.

"It is for me. I'm sorry it's harder for you. I'm sorry I made it harder by not being honest with you about what was going on with me. But I'll make it up to you. I'll make you believe. Just give me the chance."

She sniffled and tried not to let herself feel as though it was the end of the world for her with him. "Okay."

* * *

They spent the rest of the time they had in bed together. Making love with him was as intense as ever, like being stripped bare emotionally. Like peeling back several layers of skin along with her clothes. Like him getting inside her, not just in a sexual way, but in every way possible.

When she lay there with her body pressed against his from head to toe, it was like they'd been fused together. Her ribs were bumping up against his, their hearts beating in tune with one another. Heat, sweat, power, need, everything. Him and her. In this together, completely. Did things like that really last?

"You're worrying again," he murmured in a deep voice raspy from sleep.

"I can't help it. And I'm allowed to worry, right? I promised I wouldn't run, but never that I wouldn't worry."

"All right. If you insist, you can worry. But I have to warn you, if I catch you at it, I'm going to be tempted to distract you, and there's no telling what form that distraction might take."

His hand pushed down the covers, baring her breast.

His fingers rubbed around the bottom, thumb curling close to the pucker of her nipple. He watched as if fascinated by the sight of his hand on her.

Julie sucked in a breath. The sensation from his caress seemed totally out of proportion to the action, especially given the way they'd spent the afternoon. She seemed to feel his touch through her entire body. Head, heart, down between her legs, all the way down to her toes. He touched her like she was the most precious thing in the world.

His thumb rubbed back and forth across her nipple, and she moaned, couldn't help it.

"It's not going to go away," he said.

"What? My breast?"

He grinned. "The way this feels. The way we feel when we're together. It won't ever change. I won't go away. I won't change my mind. I'll always want you. Just like this. Think about believing it, Julie. Give it a chance. What if all that was true? What if you believed it? Then what?"

"I'd marry you," she said.

And he looked happier than she'd ever seen him.

"I think I'm going to enjoy the time it takes to convince you," he said, as he kneed her thighs apart and lay cradled between them, his body hard and throbbing against hers. "How about it? Feel any more certain than you did an hour ago?"

"I'm not sure," she said, opening her body to him. She was still halfway aroused from the first time, and her body was soft and welcoming.

He kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, her cheeks, her neck, and finally her mouth, then began to push his way inside.

"There we go. Right there," he whispered in her ear, flexing his hips.

One more smooth, controlled thrust, and he was inside her completely, their bodies flush together, his mouth locked on hers. She squirmed and wriggled and tried to get closer, tried to simply climb inside him. The feeling seemed to get stronger each time they did this, until she couldn't imagine being just her anymore, and not attached to him. Like she wouldn't be complete. Like she never had been.

"I love you," he said, and she came in a rush. There was no stopping it. No control. Just pure, honest need. He came right after her.

She felt tears in her eyes in the aftermath. The man simply overwhelmed her.

"Don't do that," he said, his hand on the side of her face, kissing her softly. "Don't. It's all going to be fine. You'll believe it, Julie. I won't stop until you do."

She lay there sniffling and trying not to cry, and he fussed over her, wiping away tears and rubbing her back and kissing the sides of her face. She finally just let it all go, all the worries, all the doubts, and let him take care of her. Let him just be here beside her, imagined always having him, no matter what.

* * *

He was persistent. She'd give him that. And the man could do anything, from being both delightful and mind-blowingly awesome in bed to handling her mother and stepfather's legal issues. Part of that included the house being sold to his father and Rye's construction company. They were just waiting on all the paperwork to be ready for the deal to be finalized.