Before I Break (4 page)

It doesn’t take a scientist to see the type of guy he is.

All it takes is a little reminder of all the pain that remains.

He’s exactly like the other guy, getting in my way

Of happiness that’s mine to take, and not for him to take away.

Guys like him bring nothing but pain,

A terrible reminder that life always stays the same.

Avoidance is the best that I can offer

To keep myself from having to suffer.

The next day at school was probably one of the hardest day of my life. In AP Biology, Melissa moved to the other side of the room, making me think that this was never going to work out. Honestly, I felt kind of bad about saying the things I did, even though I knew I shouldn’t have had to explain my beliefs to my girlfriend. Was she even my girlfriend anymore? I sure hoped so, because losing Melissa meant losing the part of me that made me feel whole. She was my other half and if I lost her, I’d feel dead.

Or worse than dead. Like I didn’t even matter anymore.

Lunch came and passed and she still wasn’t talking to me. Even though we were sitting at the same table, she completely ignored me and pretended like I didn’t exist. I would have preferred her to slap me or bitch at me or something, but she wouldn’t even meet my eyes. Was I really that bad of a person for following my beliefs?

Jake was sitting beside me and asked, “Hey, are you and ‘Lyssa okay?”

Even though he was my best friend, that didn’t mean he needed to know everything. I shrugged and said, “We’re just taking a little break.”

“Did something happen?” he budged.

“Just drop it, Jake.” I really wasn’t in the mood for this. Grabbing my backpack off of the floor, I told him, “I’m going to the library,” and then marched myself out of the cafeteria and down the hall. Call me immature, but I was not going to just sit there and get ignored by my girlfriend because I don’t like her gay best friend checking me out all the time.

One of my biggest secrets was my love for books. I refused to let anyone besides Melissa know about my secret obsession. Often times I would find myself being invested in a book for hours, but it was very hard for me to find something good. Most of the modern day Young Adult novels had female leads, and a lot of the time they were falling in love with a guy and acting all girly about it. Reading about girls was not my main goal in life.

The library reminded me of a conversation I heard over at the church one day. Pastor Morrison was in his office talking to a young girl, probably about thirteen, who was reading a book about vampires, and Pastor Morrison was talking to her about how the occult was taking over our society.

“This stuff is not made for our minds,” he said as he flipped through the pages. I watched through the door just outside the room as he stopped on a page. “What is this?”

“What’s what?” the girl asked.

Pastor Morrison looked completely outraged, his face turning bright red. “What is this homosexual stuff this book talks about?”

She shrugged, looking completely calm. “There’s a gay guy in the book. So what?”

As if she had triggered some kind of nerve, he shouted, “Have we not discussed the consequences of such perversion? We have had numerous services speaking about this. Why would you bring such a thing into the House of God?”

The girl smiled—more like a smirk—and spoke words I never expected. “I love that you get more offended by two people loving each other than blood-sucking monsters who steal your soul. It seems to me like your priorities are in all the wrong places.”

I couldn’t stick around and listen to the conversation anymore. Although I thought she had a point, that didn’t mean he wasn’t also right.

Back out of my head, I went to sit in the corner of the library, hoping to get into something good to read. When I reached the corner of the library, I was shocked to see Avery Branson sitting in a chair reading a book. At first he ignored me, but then when he noticed me standing there, he glanced up to look at me.

“Hey,” I said, taking the seat next to him. “What are you doing in here?”

Avery ignored me as he flipped to the next page of his book.

“You like reading?” I asked, trying to start a conversation. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what it was that made me want to be his friend, but I felt like I had to.

He shrugged. “I guess so. I have almost a thousand books in my room.”

“A thousand?” I asked, unsure if I believed him. Please tell me he wasn’t one of those guys that liked to exaggerate the amount of stuff he had because it made him sound cooler. I really hated people like that, but for some reason, I couldn’t see myself hating Avery. “How do you get the money for all that?”

“They’re all gifts,” Avery explained, flipping the page again without meeting my eyes. “Over the years it’s just kind of built up.”

There was a small part of me that admired this guy. I couldn’t tell you why if you were going to give me a million dollars, because I honestly had no idea. Maybe it was his nonchalant personality, making him seem a lot more confident than most. He didn’t seem to mind being alone, unlike me, who always needed someone nearby to keep me comfortable. Avery didn’t seem the least bit worried about being alone, but rather welcomed it.

A little too much.

“So…” I said, hoping to carry on this conversation. “Where did you move here from?”

“Just a few towns over,” he replied. “I’m from Charleston.”

“Is it nice there?” I asked. “I’ve lived here in Mount Pleasant my whole life and don’t usually go down the coast but rather go up. Like New York and stuff.”

Avery didn’t respond right away, but when he did, he actually sounded sad. “I’ve never been to New York. Or anywhere interesting.”

“We went every year for Christmas when I was younger,” I told him. “Sometimes we’d for Spring Break, too. I haven‘t been there for about six years. I hardly remember it sometimes. It‘s not really as good as everyone tries to make it out to be, you know?” Then I realized what was wrong with my question. “I, uh, I mean, I know you don’t know—I just—never mind.”

It came as a surprise to me when Avery actually laughed. Not a laugh that was directed at me, but rather with me. It was lighthearted and I laughed a little too. “It’s okay,” he said, closing the book. “Really, I’m kind of used to it. Vacations are too expensive anyway. I’d rather spend it on bags of books.”

This was the first moment I ever remember having a nice conversation with Avery. Looking back on it now, I wonder, if I knew what was going to come later, would I have asked what I had asked next?

“Do you want to hang out tonight?”

Avery looked extremely confused. “You mean me?”

“No, I mean the book you have in your hand,” I replied sarcastically. “Yes. We can hang out tonight. I’ll show you around Mount Pleasant and give you a good idea as to what you’re in for.”

He seemed a little unsure of himself. “I don’t know…I mean, I don’t want to intrude on any plans you may have.”

I laughed. “Nope. I’ve got nothing going on tonight; I’m all free. Here,” I said, and wrote my number on a piece of paper out of my bag. “Text me whenever. I’ll come pick you up when you’re ready.”

“Really?” he asked.

I nodded. “I’m positive. See you tonight.”

Tonight I can promise that things are going to change.

Tonight is the night I tell you everything will be rearranged.

My life will go from upside-down,

To a spiral of events will no doubt go downhill.

If I had known the way that Cyril would be,

I’d have said “Hell no” when he wanted to meet.

I should have known better than to let emotions take control,

But there is something about him that seemed to grab hold.

God, save me now, if I’m not eternally damned,

Because my life is falling and breaking again.

When the school day ended, I ran into Melissa on the way to my car. She was hanging out with some of her friends and I decided she and I needed to talk.

As I walked over to the group, a girl glanced my way and they all lowered their whispers. Well, okay then. Melissa didn’t even look in my direction until I tapped on her shoulder. “Hey babe,” I said, and she turned around to face me. “You want a ride home?”

“No thanks,” she said and turned back around to talk to her friends. At first, I was really confused, but then I remembered our argument about last night. “Can we talk?” I asked.

Looking entirely annoyed, she agreed and we walked toward my car. I got in the driver’s seat and she got in the passenger seat. She looked as if she had been crying, too. I didn’t realize I had upset her that much.

“Listen,” I started, “I didn’t mean to make you cry—”

“I wasn’t crying because of you, asshole. I was crying because my best friend is moving away. But you wouldn’t remember that, would you?”

That kind of stung a little and I didn’t really know what to say. “I—I didn’t mean—”

“Yeah,” Melissa said angrily. “I know what you ‘didn’t mean’ to do, but you did. You insulted my best friend. Then you automatically insist that you’re the reason I’ve been crying most of the day. And even then, you still haven’t asked me how I feel about him leaving because you don’t care.”

Her anger was a huge surprise to me, mostly because she never really had anything to be mad about. The whole last year we were together and she had never yelled at me like this before. I didn’t deserve to be yelled at for my beliefs and she was angering me just as much now.

“I do care,” I insisted. “How can you sit here and tell me I don’t care? What gave off that vibe?”

“The fact that you still haven’t asked me!” she screamed. “You haven’t asked me how I felt since you knew Christian was leaving.”

“That’s because I don’t like him,” I said. “But fine, how do you feel about him leaving?”

Melissa’s jaw looked like it practically hit the floor. “I don’t want you to ask me because I want you to! I want you to ask because you genuinely care about my feelings! Just because you don’t like Christian does not meant that I should be forgotten about when it comes to me being upset about something related to him.“ She reached for the passenger side door to open it up and I reached for her to keep her from leaving. She needed to understand.