Before I Break (8 page)

Chapter 4

I pull up to Jenna’s house, and she’s already heading out the door, her big leather bag stuffed to the brim with her laptop, books, and notepad. Her hair pulled up in a tight bun and black shades covering her eyes. She drives all the way to University of Michigan, which is about two hours away. She said she’d rather lose a little sleep than money on room and board since the rent is a lot cheaper here in Madison. Her parents are loaded, but they wanted her to go to their alumni school. When she didn’t, they paid tuition but that was it.

I meet her at the bottom of the stairs; she adjusts her bag on her shoulder and wraps her arms around herself. I can
’t see behind the black tint of her glasses, but I can tell she’s avoiding my eyes.

“H
ey,” I say quietly. I see her biting her lips, the first clue that she’s pissed off, and she has every right to be. I haven’t called her since she’s been hit with a life-changing bomb less than 48 hours ago. My eyes drift down to her hand, and I’m a little relieved to see she’s still wearing her ring. Doesn’t matter, she’ll probably throw it at me after I tell her what I have to.

“You didn’t call me. You said you’
d call after you talked to your parents,” she says just as quietly.

“
I know. I messed up,” I say, folding my arms across my chest.

“
I didn’t hear from you that night or the day afterwards. And now you just show up on my steps...?” she asks with a shrug.

“
I broke my phone. I got completely tanked that night, and slept all through yesterday,” I admit. I know I sound like an idiot, but I don’t want to lie to her. After all of this, she doesn’t deserve that. I hear her take a deep breath.

“Wow. So you’
re drinking enough to sleep an entire day when you usually barely have a beer, and you don’t answer your phone or call me when you say you are. On top of all that, you leave me in the dark after possibly finding out some pretty life-changing information. Yet, I’m the last to know.  I’m your fiancée, Chris! I should be the first to know!” I feel like a complete A-hole.

“I’
m really sorry, Jenna,” I say dumbly because I sound dumb.

“
You’ve been really sorry, Chris. But you being sorry doesn’t help any of this! So what happened, what did your parents say?” she fires off rapidly.

I let out a sigh
,and run my hand through my hair
.

“
D.I.D. That’s what it is, right?” she answers before I can even respond, and I nod.

That’s Jenna. A
lways a step ahead. I bet she won’t guess what I have to tell her next though.

“
So that woman, Lauren, she’s your wife,” she says with a laugh.

“Well, she’
s Cal’s. Cal is the one that married her,” I say, trying to distance myself from the decision as much as possible. She snatches off her glasses, and her glare makes me want to hide.

“So you’
re not going to take responsibility for any of this?” she demands.

“
'I’m not shirking responsibility. I just want you to understand. Cal. Cal married her. I have no idea who she is. I love you. I want to marry you!”

She’
s quiet. I don’t know which is worse, her yelling or her silence.

I step closer to her
, and she steps back. I’m losing her. I can feel it, and I haven’t even told her I have a kid yet.

“I’
m trying to understand. I really, really am. I spent hours online researching this. I even stumbled upon this support group online for people with your condition.” Her eyes are watery.

“
This is just so...” she sighs.

“I know that this isn’
t your fault and not something you asked for, but I’m having a pretty hard time wrapping my mind around this,” she says and clears her throat.

“
I know. Just imagine how I feel.” I chuckle, and she smiles tightly.

“If this is too much,
Jenna…I wouldn’t blame you if this is too much,” I say, sitting down on her porch.

“
Chris, if this was anyone else I wouldn’t believe them. But it’s you. You’re one of the most caring, unselfish, honest people I know,” she says, sitting next to me.

“
Even though you can be a big baby sometimes,” she chuckles, and I do too...baby. Ugh. I glance over at her, her shades now back on.

“
I’m going down to school early to study for my exam tomorrow,”she says
.
“I was going to stay the night with Kaylie, but I can come back instead,” she continues, and I rub the back of my neck.

How do I say this?
I have to tell her. I can’t hide this from her. What’s the best way to say it? I know she wouldn’t want a long drawn-out speech. She’s standing up, I do the same. She wraps her arms around me, what do I say? I lift her up by the waist and hold her close, like it’s the last time. I’m 90 percent sure this will be the last time I’ll ever get to hold her like this.

“Chris, we’re going to make this work. We’
re going to find you the best doctors and support groups, and we’ll get through this. At least we know now what we’re dealing with. This
marriage
can’t be legal,” she says confidently. I set her down, and she cups my face in her hands. This is why I love her. She’s able to pull me out of my pity party.

When I met Jenna
, it was on the way from a visit with my mom’s doctor, and the news wasn’t good. Everyone had been coddling and walking on egg shells around me with everything thing that was going on. Even Lisa couldn’t break through, but Jenna was able to. I look away from her, and I just let it spill out.

“Lauren. She has…” H
er eyebrows raise. I know the next sentence out of my mouth is going to change everything.

“Sh
e has a daughter.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, her eyes widen and mouth falls open. Her expression is blank, completely blank, but she releases my face from her hands and steps back.

“What?”
she asks, and her voice breaks
.
“No.” She covers her face, her expression crumbling.

“Is…i
s she yours?” she asks me,her voice stabling. I look away from her
.
“Oh. I’m sorry! Is she Cal’s?” she says, using air quotes.

“I’m sorry.” I know it doesn’
t help, but I am. It’s the only thing I know to say to her.

“
Of course you are,” she says, nodding her head.

“But I can’t be mad at you, right
? Because it wasn’t you or it was you!” She starts to laugh but tears are streaming down her face.

“I—I just can’t deal with this right now.” She covers her face and begins shaking her hand
.
“I’ve got to go.” She walks past me towards her car.

“Jenna, talk to me!”
I grab her wrist, and she snatches it away. In an instant, her right hand finds the side of my face. The sting of the slap doesn’t even distract me from the hurt in her eyes.

“I’m
sorry,” she says immediately afterwards.

“
I need time. Just give me some time,” she says, her gaze locked with mine for only a second before she turns away from me, gets in her car, and speeds away.

Chapter 5

The meeting with Jenna wa
s an absolute disaster. Granted, I should have had something more to say than, “Hey, the girl you met earlier has a kid, and chances are, it’s mine,” or something like that.

Something profound and meaningful
, but that’s never really been my thing. I try to be honest no matter how much it hurts in the least hurtful way possible, if that makes any sense. Still, I could have done more than stand there looking like an idiot and blurt it out like that. I should be thankful. It could have been worse. She still has the ring and hasn’t officially ended our engagement. She’s asked for time, but time isn’t a luxury that I’ve had much of, most of it disappears in seconds.

I wish I had more
time to figure this out, but it just keeps ticking by, second by second, and after yesterday I’ve decided I won’t waste it anymore without getting things done, making things right, or at least trying to. As much as I want to block the thought out of my mind that my body is shared with a person who can show up without a moment’s notice and screw me royally, I can’t. The faster I can get things in order, the less damage I can make sure he does.

I get to do all of his damage
control. I have to, and that’s what pisses me off. Things can work out, at least I know. Not knowing was the worst part and as scary as it is, today I don’t seem so out of control like I did when I first found out. I’ve faced some stressful issues to say the least, but my headaches haven’t made an appearance once, and I’m keeping track of time. I don’t know where I stand with Jenna, but now she knows the truth. All I have left to do now is face Lauren.

I thought I’
d be more nervous about telling Jenna that I had a child than meeting her, but standing outside of her hotel room right now, I know I was wrong big time. My palms are sweaty, my heart’s beating too fast, and my stomach feels like it’s in a canoe on the ocean. With Jenna, I know what to expect. She goes from stoic to flying off the handle in seconds. Lauren, I know nothing about and the fact she knows me as this man, one whose ass I want to kick, doesn’t help.

I’
ve started to knock on the door several times, but I haven’t managed to do it. I have no clue what she’s going to do when she opens the door. If she’s going to slap me, hug me, or kick me in the balls. I know my parents told her about my condition, but who’s to say if she believes it. My parents did lie to her and left her in the dark. She’s the one person who was screwed over more than me in all this, and she’s had a kid to deal with in the midst of everything. Then the fact that she knows me as
him
. I move my fist to the door one more time, and this time manage to knock. I hear the TV on and then footsteps approach the door. I stuff my hands in my jean pockets. Whatever she does or says, I deserve it. Cal’s not here to deal with her wrath so just like everything else, I will. Hopefully when she’s done, we can try to come up with some way to make this work out for her. For our daughter.

“I don’
t need...” she says as the door swings open. She definitely isn’t expecting me, and the expression on her face shows it once she sees me. Her eyes are wide and her mouth has fallen open. She’s not moving, like she’s frozen except her hand on the door knob. It’s shaking.

“Hi,
” I say quietly, forcing sound out of my throat. It’s dry as a dessert. My words wake her from her frozen state because she’s slammed the door right in my face. I scratch my head. I didn’t expect that.

“I’m
sorry for coming like this. I—I just thought… I can come back later when you’re ready.” My voice is shaky and nervous. I shouldn’t have surprised her like this. I’ll wait for her to come when she’s ready. I turn around to leave when I hear the door open.

“No!”
she says frantically. She gives me a nervous smile, moving her hair out of her face. I approach her slowly. The sun is bright, shining through the hallway window causing her hazel eyes to sparkle. She looks tired, her eyelids puffy, but she’s still beautiful. The kind of beautiful that makes you intimidated. At least she’s about a foot shorter than me. I can have an excuse to stare over her head instead of at her.

“My
parents said you were coming tomorrow but… I thought we… I wanted to talk to you alone if it’s okay?” I say, bumbling like an idiot. She looks at me curiously. She opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something, but doesn’t. Instead she steps back and gestures for me to come in. I stuff my hands in my jeans as I walk into the hotel room. There’s a bed, a TV
,
sofa, and a mini fridge. Tissues are scattered on the nightstand, a glass of water next to the tissues. She closes the door and walks over to the sofa but doesn’t sit. She’s looking at the ground, as she folds her arms across her chest. This is a good start, I guess. She hasn’t hit me or started yelling. She’s shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She’s just as nervous as I am.

“I
don’t really know what to say to you, or where to start,” I admit, as her eyes meet mine. I look at the woman who some part of me loved enough to marry. She’s biting her bottom lip, showcasing the small dimple in her right cheek. Her glare is intense in the few seconds it’s on me, like she’s trying to see through me, and I look away.

D
oes she believe all of this? When she looks into my eyes I know she’s searching for him. I know because I was doing the same thing standing in the mirror this morning.

“Uh
m,”she says, her voice trembling. I still haven’t learned to have a plan or something to say. All I’ve done in the first few minutes of being here is make her cry. I’ve never made so many women cry before.

“I
don’t know what to say to you either, to be honest,” she says, her voice unsteady as she wipes away a tear from her cheek.