Before Now (Sometimes Never) (24 page)

I pause. Out the door or the window? I came in the window, so I decide to go out the door. I can’t help
it—I look for him as soon as I step into the hall. He’s not there, but there’s another box. I nearly trip in my hurry, dropping to my knees to open it. Even though I have no idea what’s going on, I like this game.

The third and final book of the series is inside. I pluck it out and hug it to my side as my gaze follows the arrow. Right into Park’s bedroom. I stand and take a deep breath.

I can turn around and go back home. I don’t have to go in there.

It’s my decision.

Looking down at the books in my hand, the silk butterfly resting on top, I touch the squirt gun in my pocket and make a choice.

I step inside his room.

I’m alone, but there’s a box on his bed. I set everything down and slowly raise the lid. And then I smile. A single jelly donut. I move it to the side and read the words beneath: Turn Around.

I read it
once more before spinning on my heel. Park’s in the doorway, eating an ice cream cone. A vanilla ice cream cone with hot fudge dripping onto his fingers. He licks it away slowly and I swallow with difficulty.

Everything has
significance. From the stupid water gun—just like I shot him with the first time we met, to the butterfly—I have fifty more like it hanging from my ceiling, to the books we were reading together, to the ice cream in his hand—just like when he told me I was vanilla and he wanted to lick the hot fudge off my body.

“Hi,” he says softly.

“Hi,” I whisper.

He moves toward me and I take an involuntary step back.
I don’t make it far, my calves hit the bed and I freeze.

“We need to talk.”

“About what?” I rasp.

His eyes lock onto mine. The determination there makes my breaths come faster. “You and me.”

“There is no you and me,” I reply, my voice barely coming out.

“There’s a you and me, Lucy. There has to be,” he says firmly. “
Just answer something for me?”

I nod.

“Is there a chance—any chance at all—that you can forgive me?”

“I don’t know. I want to
.” His eyes spark with some emotion I can’t identify. He takes another step. I have nowhere to go.

“Can I ask another question?”

I nod because I’ve lost my voice.

“Do you miss me even a li
ttle? Because I miss you. You’re all I can think about.”

My pulse is throbbing furiously. I nod
, and then I shake my head.

He cocks his head to the side, studying me. “I’m sorry, Lucy. I’m so sorry. I know that’s not good enough, but if you give me another chance, I swear I’ll prove myself to you.”

I don’t respond and he takes another step, putting him just inches away from me. I lift my chin in order to keep my eyes on his.

“Last question,” he murmurs. His breath caresses my cheek and I shudder. “
I know I have no right to ask this, but…are you still mine?”

I eye the ice crea
m in his hand just so I can look away. Can I tell him? Can I put myself out there again? I close my eyes and choose. “I never stopped,” I breathe. “But you were never mine.”

“I was always yours,” he states adamantly. “I didn’t have sex with that girl.”

My head snaps up quickly. “You didn’t?”

He shakes his head. “We fucked around. A lot. And I was going to sleep with her because I was trying to
forget you, push you away, make you hate me…something. But I didn’t do it.”

I feel the tears build in the back of my throat. “But you were going to.”

“I freaked out and fucked everything up. But I know something now that I didn’t know then.”

“What?” I ask. What could he possibly know to make him so sure right now?

“I don’t want to go another second without you.” He moves in a way that brings our bodies as close as they can be without touching.

“How do I know you aren’t still scared?”

“I’ll probably always be scared,” he says, shrugging.

I feel my brows draw together as I shake my head. “We can’t do this if you’re scared.”

“I have every right to be scared.” His eyes rake over my face, searching.

“Because of Hope? You’re still not over her. How can we ever be together if you’re still hung up on her?”

He grinds his teeth and steps back slightly. “I am over Hope. I’m just not over what she fucking did to me. Do you have any idea what it feels like to think you have something and then out of the blue one day you realize it was never truly yours? Not ever? Not even for a second?”

I feel my mouth drop open. “Yes, Park. I know
exactly
what that feels like.”

“Maybe you do know.
”

“Y
ou treat me like I’m her. You treat me like she treated you.”

“I…we’re…” He shakes his head. “I’m so sorry.” He closes that little bit of distance. “Tell me you’ll give me another chance and
I swear it will never happen again.”

“We’re different, but I’m not sure you’ll ever see it.”

“I see it. I see you. You are worth it to me. Please, Lucy.”

“I don’t…I don’t know what to say.” I can’t stop shaking. My eyes are burning. I want to give in. I want to run away.

“Say you’ll give me another chance. Tell me you want me. Tell me you care about me. Tell me
I’m
worth it.”

“I do want you. I do care. And you are worth it—”

His fingers cover my lips. “Stop there,” he says hoarsely. “Please.” He moves his hand and skims his mouth over mine. “Just say yes. One chance.” His tongue teases my lips and I close my eyes, shivering. “Say yes,” he demands.

“Yes,” I sigh.

Park stills and my eyes fly open. He drops the melting ice cream cone and before I register what’s happening, I’m on my back on top of his bed. He pushes everything to the side and lowers himself over me.

“You and me, Lucy, we’re like a fire: Hot and unpredictable, scary and
mesmerizing all at once. We started with a spark and before I knew it, I was consumed. I love the way you burn me up from the inside out.”

I don’t know what to say to that. All I know is I couldn’t have said it better myself. I dig my fingers into his hair and pull his mouth down to meet min
e. We merge like two flames, fast and out of control. Because sometimes that’s just how love works. We may smolder, we may blaze, we may rage without reason. But it’s always beautiful.

32

Park

I’ve missed the way Lucy
tastes. I’ve missed the way her skin feels under my hands, her smell, and the little noises she makes. I’ve missed the way she kisses, wholly uninhibited. As if each kiss could be the last.

I’ve missed everything about her.

She pulls back suddenly and I reach for her, not wanting this feeling to end.

“Wait,” she breathes. “Hold on.” Her palms are pressing into my chest, pushing me away.

“What’s wrong?” My voice is low, calm, but inside I’m panicking. I can’t—I won’t lose her again. I don’t care what I have to do—I’ll do it. But I’m not going to live without her in my life.

“I need to slow down.” She adds more pressure, her breathing growing heavy. I roll to the side and she sits up quickly. “I can’t fall back into this.”

I watch her run trembling fingers through her damp hair and I force myself to stay where I am. I want to grab her and hold her against me until I’m sure she won’t leave. I want to tell her to fucking go—old habits die hard. I want to beg her to stay.

“Lucy,” I croak. “Don’t do this.”

Her hair brushes the bed as she shakes her head. “You have no idea the power you have over me,” she says.

I don’t respond. Too many things are running through my head and I don’t know which thought to put a voice to.

“I know I’m a pushover. I know I put up with a lot because I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes too much. Sometimes I see something that isn’t there. But with you, if I let myself think… How do I know it’s real this time?”

I stand up and look at her. I take in the true fear in her eyes, her fingers bunching into hair, the way she bites at her lip. And then I kneel in front of her, resting my hands on her shaking knees.

“It’s real, Lucy. It’s always been real. That’s why I freaked out. What you make me feel, I’ve never felt that before. Ever.”

Her gray eyes dart over my face. “What about Hope?”

I shake my head. “No. Not like this. It was nothing like this.”

She
tips her head, concentrating on my hands, still over her knees. “The day I asked you about
A Fool’s Paradise
, and you got out of my car, I knew then. I sat in my car for twenty minutes, waiting for you to come back. And when you didn’t, I called Guy. I wanted to make sure you didn’t have to walk all the way home. He told me Chase was taking care of it, but I still sat there waiting on you. I wanted you to come back.” She looks up and meets my eyes. “I knew then that you were going to hurt me. I asked you not to and you were honest. You warned me that you would. And then you did. And I realized that I never stopped waiting on you. I can’t give up on you. I don’t know how and that gives you all the power over me. The power to keep me waiting. The power to hurt me again and again.” She looks back down and shakes her head. My throat is closed off, blocked by my heart. I tighten my grip on her.

“You left me sitting in your kitchen when Hope showed up. That’s all it took. One minute, you’re claiming I’m yours. You’re pledging to do your best by me. Then the next you’re leaving me to go mess around with another girl. You didn’t just hurt me by accident. You did it purposely. And still I waited for you. I stayed in your apartment all day, waiting for you to come back. Waiting t
o make sure you were okay.” Lucy shoves my hands off her and stands up. She paces in front of me.

I slide down until I’m sitting on the floor, unable to do anything else. I knew some of this already, but to hear it come from her mouth, to hear the pain in her voice, to see the anguish in her eyes, it strikes me so much harder.

How could I have been such a cold-hearted bastard to her? To Lucy of all people.

I’m sorry sits on my tongue, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It’s not big enough. It can’t be. I’ve said it too many times now. I have to show her. I have to prove it.

“I don’t know if I can spend my life waiting on you, Park. No matter how much I want to. Just because I want you doesn’t mean you’re good for me.”

I shove myself to my feet and barrel into her. I back her up into the wall. I have to make her see. If I can just get her to find something redeemable in me…

“I can’t take any of it back. Fuck, Lucy. I would if I could. All I can do is try to make it up to you. Prove to you that I won’t pull that shit again. I don’t want to lose you. The past month has been hell and I can never make you understand how sorry I am for putting you through this. I’ll make it my goal each day to make you happy.”

Her eyes are bright with that storm that makes me weak. Our chest
s are rising and falling in sync. I can’t take my eyes off her. I can’t stop touching her. I can’t lose this again.

“You call me Lucy.”

I feel my brows draw together as I shake my head in confusion. “That’s your name,” I say slowly.

“Nobody calls me that. Nobody that really knows me.
My friends
. If you can’t even do that, how can I believe you?”

I chuckle lightly without humor. “Because, Lucy, you and I are not friends. We never have been and we never will be.” I press my body into hers and lift her chin so she’s looking at me. “We have something bigger than that and I don’t want to call you what everybody else does. When I
label you with a nickname, it’s going to be mine, and only mine, to call you by.”

Her mouth opens then closes, her eyes a whirlwind of emotions, and her body quivers against mine. “Oh,” is all she says.

“We’ll take this slow,” I whisper against her hair. “We’ll do this right. Dates, meeting the family, all of it. I know I can never be good enough for you, but let me at least try. Give me the opportunity to show you how great we can be together.”

Lucy
closes her eyes. “Please don’t hurt me again.”

I drop my head, leaning it into hers. “Never again. Not on purpose. I swear on my testicles.”

She laughs and opens her eyes. We stare at one another for several seconds. I want to kiss her. I need to. She must see it in my gaze because she tilts her head just enough to bring our lips together. I nearly sigh at the pleasure this brings.

I think I
love this girl, and as much as it scares the shit out of me, I’m even more frightened of not loving her.

She breaks the kiss and I almost groan. “What does this me
an?” she asks.