Before You Leave: A Romance Novel (18 page)

“Hey wake up.”

Stretching my arms above my head I yawn out the afternoon that has now passed. Kieran is propped up on his elbow looking down on me, smiling.

“What time is it?” I ask still sleepy.

“No idea, but I do know I am starving. Are you hungry?”

“I am. But only for something light.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Fuzzy. It’s strange because thinking back at the way she was around me, I now know it wasn’t because I had done something wrong, and that’s a relief. You know she wasn’t going to come to our wedding and I didn’t even question it. Do you think I knew? Subconsciously I mean.”

“I don’t know but what I don’t understand is why he was still with her when he was going to marry you. You are more than enough for one man.”

“I guess I just wasn’t enough for him.”

“Or he just wasn’t a faithful man. Have you thought what you are going to do now that you know?”

“A little. I want to go home and clean out our apartment. I might even put it up for sale; it’s full of his lies now. As for Abigail, I’m not too sure what to do.”

“Take baby steps. Some questions you might have may never be answered, not now anyway.”

“I know and that makes me sad.”

“You’re flight home is in two days’ time, do you want me to come back and help you?” Kieran’s question is sincere.

“I have to do this by myself and you need to get your life back. I’m sure I’ve taken your attention away from your businesses more than I should have.”

Disappointment shows on his face and he pulls in his bottom lip like he wants to stop himself to say something but instead he leaves the bed he brushes down his jeans, “I’d better start on lunch, I’ll see you downstairs, okay?”

“I’ll be there in five.” I reply knowing that I will be there in probably less. 

“Good,” he answers before leaving me alone in the room. As soon as he has gone I get off the bed and go to the bathroom. My face looks pale and drawn in the mirror. Splashing cool water from the tap, I brush my teeth and pinch my cheeks to bring some colour back into them. Brushing my hands through my hair I give up trying to comb out the knots from the loose strands and instead tie it back up again. Shutting the bedroom door behind me, I walk down the stairs to meet Kieran in the kitchen.

Sitting down on the high stool, Kieran places a plate in front of me with ham, brown bread, fruit and a selection of dips.

“You wanted a light lunch.”

“And it looks lovely, thank you.” Kieran sits in the seat opposite me like he did only a few hours ago. “Would you mind if I go back to the hotel today?” I ask him unsure how he will take the question.

“To stay?” Kieran’s answers disappointed.

“Yes, until I go home.”

“Only if you want too. I can understand if you want to head closer into the town, just didn’t think it would be now.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Always, I wouldn’t want you to be anything else.”

“I want to go back, it is my last day tomorrow and I need to do a few things. But I don’t want to do it by myself. I want you with me, I’m going to need your strength.”

“It would be my privilege,” Kieran smirks and pops a strawberry into his mouth sounding happier, “I’ll call the hotel on our way and book a room.”

“You don’t have to go that much trouble. Why not stay on in one of your apartments?”

“Because Julia, I don’t think the cleaning firm would be too impressed. Plus I hope they are all booked out.”

“And your yacht, have you ever slept in that.”

“I have but if I am on my yacht, I am not near you. Unless you would like to come with me on it?”

“Kieran, after this morning’s revelation I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

“It is the hotel then, hopefully in the room next to you.”

After we eat, I help Kieran tidy the kitchen and close up his hideaway home. Gathering my handbag and sliding my feet back into my sandals, Kieran leaves me standing outside the front door while he retrieves his moped. The roar of an engine startles me and I watch as the alloy wheels crumple over the gravel on the driveway. Opening the door of the jeep as he stops beside me, I jump in and slide into the seat.

“What happened to the moped?”

“Thought we might need something meatier tomorrow on your last day.”

“Do you always think of everything?”

“I try.” Slipping on his black sunglasses that Sarah would be impressed with, he starts our journey back to the town.

****

The ride back seems a lot quicker in the 4x4. Kieran called the hotel, through his Bluetooth, on the way. He spoke to the receptionist with such charm that even though she tried to explain they were very busy, she still managed to secure a room for him, and one near me. Kieran had ordered food to be delivered for when we arrive and five minutes after walking back into my room with him, the food is placed on the table on the balcony. As we both sit in silence looking out to the sea, we eat the delicious arrangement comfortably in our silence. Finishing the cool glass of orange juice I took out of the minibar, I rest my feet on the railing between the sand and me. It doesn’t take long before I’m yawning.

“Am I keeping you up?” Kieran asks in the voice I have noticed he keeps for me.

“I shouldn’t be tired, not after that sleep earlier.”

“You have had an eventful few days, damn, you’ve had an eventful few months. I am going to sneak back into my room and let you rest.”

“Are you going to stay in there?”

“I won’t be moving anywhere. Pick up that phone by the bed if you need me, okay.”

“Kieran?”

“What Julia?”

My heart pounds in my chest but I know I have to ask him.

“Have you ever cheated on a girl?”

Moving his seat closer to mine, he takes my legs from the railing and lays them across his thighs on his warm jeans and holds on to them.

“Julia, if I ever dated a girl like you I wouldn’t look at another.”

“But how many have you dated?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Honesty Kieran.”

“I have dated a few, but they were just that, dates. Very little went from a date to anything longer, none took my heart though. That waited for you.”

“Kieran my heart is barely sellotaped together.”

“I know, but you know what?” He pulls my body towards him with my legs, scrapping my chair along the floor. “I am your superglue.” Taking his hand off my leg he rests it on my cheek. I lean towards the warmth and leave a feathering kiss on his palm.

“You’re an amazing man Kieran. One day you will make a woman a wonderful partner.”

“Do you hear me at all Julia?”

“I hear you, I’m just not sure I deserve you.”

“Then listen very carefully to me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m afraid you are.”

“I am?”

“Yes, to your room. I’m tired and want to get up early.”

“And what is waking you up so early tomorrow on your last day?”

“I want to watch the sun come up.”

“Then I will watch it with you.”

“Goodnight Kieran.”

Pushing his chair back, he places my legs onto the ground and stands up. Kissing me on my forehead.

“Goodnight Julia.”

His lips are so close, it will only take me a microsecond to pull him down to me and leave my mark on them but I don’t. He is wearing his heart on his sleeve and I am hiding mine. It would be cruel of me to encourage him any more when I will be leaving soon and may never see him again. Instead I watch him push the chair in under the table, climb over the railing onto the sand and disappear behind the wall separating our balconies.

Watching the morning sun rise above the sea, the round ball of heat starts to lift in the sky, awakening the world below it. Kieran walks in front of my railing in his white cotton shirt breezing slightly at the neck, whistling, as the sun reaches half way up. With his hands in his light coloured trouser pockets, he leans his back against the metal separating us and stands in silence. It takes all my will power not to reach over and drape my arms over his shoulders and lean my head towards his while we watch, but it would be selfish of me to do that. So instead I stay sitting and when the sun reaches its peak, Kieran walks back to his room without even turning around to say good morning, whistling again. I stay in my chair watching the joggers run across the beach front, most have their earphones in and I wonder could they hear the sound of the waves filtering the sand or are they so busy in their own little world that they just don’t take notice of anything around them.

After a light breakfast in my room I pack a few essentials in my bag to start my last day. Mentally checking through my list for water, tissues, mints, sun cream and glasses, I take out the small pink lock I had bought, placing it on the table next to the bed. Lovelocks are meant to be for lovers, I was silly to think I could place mine amongst the hundreds of others who have stood at the railing probably sealing their deed with a kiss. I know I be will be passing them again and this time I need to take a picture of that purple lock with the words that have been engraved on my mind since I read it. Now that I know that Ryan was here before I want to find out if he left one there with
her
.

Slipping on my sandals, I throw my bag over my shoulder and leave the room.

****

Kieran answers his bedroom door after the second knock looking very much ready to venture out. His shades are already on and he has his keys in his hand.

“We’re walking Kieran, is that ok?”

“Absolutely, I love walking.” He replies and slips his keys into his pocket.

“Do you want to pop them in my bag, don’t want to lose them along the way?” I ask him.

“Good idea, just as well one of us is thinking straight.” Handing them to me, I unzip my bag and throw the keys in.

“Interesting key ring you have there. Is it a lovelock?” I ask a little shocked.

“It is.” Kieran answers cheerfully.

“You haven’t written on it yet?” Turning the lock over in my hand to check the other side.

“Nope, not yet anyway. When Sinead came over here years ago she bought it for me. Said that one day I would write on it. It’s a little faded in colour now but it’s useful as a key ring.”

“I like your sister already.”

“Yeah, she’s a good kid. God she would kill me if she heard that I called her a kid, she is a young woman.”

“You miss her?”

“Terribly, but she is in good company and getting the best care.”

Stepping out of the building I can taste the heat already and the pavement has a haze shimmering up from it.

“Which way?” Kieran asks me and I point over to the pathway leading back up the steps to the locks. He looks at me, questioning my choice and starts leading the way in a steady pace. Every second person we pass on the way seems to know Kieran; he has to stop on a few occasions to make light conversation. I stay back away from him while he does, not wanting to be in the way of his circle of friends. After the fourth time he pauses, he waits for me to catch up to him once the young lady he was chatting to starts to walk away, still looking at Kieran as she leaves.

“You don’t need to stay so far behind every time someone stops me.”

“I don’t want to get in the way, especially when you seem to be so well known.” I nod my head in the woman’s direction that is still looking over her shoulder at him.

“What are you on about Julia? I’ve known Marie since she was a teenager, we’re like family.”

“Does she know you look at her like that?”

“No idea and frankly I really don’t give a shit.”

“Kieran! What’s wrong with you talking like that?”

“I’m grand, just stay close to me. I don’t like you hovering in the distance just because I have stopped to talk to someone.”

Starting our walk again I stay beside him this time, without another word between us.

I don’t remember the steps being as steep the last time I climbed them but when we get to the second platform I need to stop and have a drink. Kieran stands by the railing and looks out over the sea, taking no notice of the locks next to him.

“Do you not wonder who wrote them?” I ask him as I put the bottle back into my bag.

“Wrote what?” He asks with his back still facing me.

“The locks. Do you every wonder about them?”

“There are locks everywhere on this island. I’d never get anything done if I read them all.”

“I didn’t mean that you had to read them, just wonder about them.”

Turning around he pushes his sunglasses up on his nose and folds his arms across his broad chest.

“Julia, I have no interest in other people’s business once it doesn’t involve me.”

“Can I show you something, it’s on the railing further up.” I ask him, taking no notice of the comment he has just made.

“As long as you promise me something.”

“What’s that?” Even with my sunglasses on I still have to squint when I look at him with the sun shining behind him.

“If you feel anyway tired or hot you tell me, promise.”

“I promise.” I say with my little finger out towards him. Stepping closer to me he links his pinkie finger with mine and shakes. “Pinkie swears.” I tell him before moving off again.

“You know Julia, if I had known we were going on a walk involving stopping every few minutes to read those locks I would have suggested a different route.” Kieran jests after I stop yet again further up the steps.

“I’m not going to even mention about you stopping for your fan club then. Anyway I am looking for one that I saw the other day. I thought it was here.”

“They weren’t my fan club, just friends. What did it look like and don’t say bronze.”

“Purple and it was about this big.” I demonstrate by widening my fingers to the size I think it is.

“Purple shouldn’t be that hard to see. And it is definitely here?”

“I thought it was. I’m sure it is around here somewhere.”

“Look, let’s keep going. I’m sure we will find it. What’s so special about it?”

Kieran begins walking again, this time slower, up the steps with his head down focusing on the locks as he passes them.

“The purple lock just stood out to me,” I tell him as I catch him up slightly out of breath, “there were words wrote on it that at first I thought was just a lovers’ message but after what I found out yesterday, I think it is Abigail that wrote it.”

I nearly trip up on Kieran’s heels as he stops dead in front of me. “You can’t be serious. Julia it could be from anyone.”

“I know but it played on my mind early last night and I just want to be sure.”

“Do you really want to put yourself through more misery if you find it?”

“I won’t be Kieran, I swear I won’t. I think I found it the first time for a reason and I guess this will be my proof of what they thought of each other. It’s not Ryan’s thing to be public with affection, well he never was with me. But here he seemed to do it no bother. The lock, you could say, is the final act of betrayal. It’s like they announced to anyone passing here that they loved each other. This isn’t my Ryan. This is Abigail’s.”

“Let’s try the next batch.” Kieran holds out his hand and I take it. As we get higher up the steps, I feel like I am getting stronger. Stronger to let Ryan go, stronger to life the live I should be living.

Kieran leaves out a sigh and holds a lock out towards me from the railing.

“Is this the one?”

The large out-of-place purple lock looks small in Kieran’s hand; the quote with its neat handwriting is turned facing me.

“It is.” I confirm to him and he squeezes my hand a little making me at ease to read it again.
“R x Our love is ours & ours alone.” 

“Do you think the R means Ryan?” Kieran asks me as I start to turn it over. “I do, listen to the rest;
No one can come between us x A.
A has to be Abigail. It fits. Everything that is written here is exactly how they felt about each other.
No one can come between us
. They mean me don’t they?”

“It does seem too much of a coincidence not to. There is only one person you can ask to be sure.”

“I know.” I answer dreading the thought.

“Will you ask when you go home tomorrow?”

“I’m scared to. I mean, between your picture, this lock and Abigail’s behaviour it all fits but actually hearing it from her. I don’t know if I could cope.”

“Do you want me to take a picture of it for you, just to keep in case you need it for evidence?”

“Would you mind? I don’t think I want it on my camera.”

“Not a bother at all. Anything for you.”

I focus on the clear blue sea with its small fishing boats and cruisers dotted around while I can hear Kieran taking pictures of the lock. The thought of the pair of them standing here together, probably arms around each other, is something I don’t want to think about. I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hands and relish in the pain. She has taken away from me all the love I was holding onto him with and now there seems to nothing left but a bitter taste. For nearly eight months I have stopped living, for a man that hadn’t given up anything for me. My cheeks become damp and I inhale the salty breeze from the ocean. From behind me, my hands are unravelled into his. Entwining our fingers together, I step back into him, welcoming his arms around me. Resting his chin on my shoulder we stand together with our own thoughts running through our minds, trying to make sense of it all.

“You see the sea out there?” Kieran softly asks me, “it goes for miles and no matter who is in it, who floats on it or even what you take from it, the sea still makes waves, the tide still goes in and out. It takes a lot of shit from people, animals and even itself, but it is still beautiful to look at and so calming when you are out on it. Don’t waste your time dwelling on what has happened. You are too strong for that crap Julia, do you hear me? You are like the sea.”

“Is that how you feel when you are out on your yacht, calm?”

“Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. Show me your hands.”

With his arms still holding me around my waist, I turn my palms upwards to him. The dents of my fingernails have left deep marks drawing blood.

“Oh Julia, you shouldn’t hurt yourself babe.”

“I won’t do that again. I don’t really know what came over me. It’s just that I had a little pebble a woman gave me a few days ago. It helped me when I have this useless uncontrollable feeling.”

“And where is it now? Is it in your bag, do you want me to get it?”

“I lost it.”

“You did? Where?”

“That day at the beach, I was holding it.”

“A small pebble you say?”

“Yeah, silly really but it seemed to help. If I had it with me now, I don’t think I would have done that.”

Kieran removes his arms from around me leaving a void that I don’t deserve. No one should inflict pain on oneself; he must think I’m awful for doing so. I turn away from the beauty of the sea to start the descent back down again but Kieran holds his hand out to me, closed.

“What are you doing?”

“Put your hand out.”

“You have already seen the marks, Kieran.”

“It’s not the marks I want to see. Now put out your hand, please.”

Hesitant I open my palm to him and he rests his fist onto it. Slowly he opens up his fingers and I am memorised at what is left behind when he removes his hand away. There in the centre is my pebble.

“What…how…where did you find it?”

“On your chest. I thought it might mean something to you as your hand was covering it, so I slipped it into the pocket of the door in my jeep. Totally forgot about it until now. Lucky for you I took it from the jeep before I went into the hotel last night. I just haven’t had the chance to ask you about it since.”