Beginning with Forever (37 page)

He’s
dissatisfied with my response. I know he wants immediate answers for my condition. “I’ll hold you to your promise,” he tells me firmly. I’m relieved he’s not pushing me any further. His overprotective nature will be the dramatic icing on top of my crumbling cake. Carson’s phone buzzes unexpectedly. He glances briefly at the number and snaps at the person on the other end. “Christ, what the hell am I paying you for? Take care of it before I get back on Monday,” he ends the call abruptly, and it startles me. This is the temperament of a man who gets whatever he wants.

“Is everything okay?”
I nervously ask him.

“Yes
, but you don’t need to concern yourself. All I want from you is a quick recovery.” His voice is instantly warm and affectionate. I’m sure his one month furlough only means endless hours of catching up. I hate to imagine the amount of stress and responsibilities that await for his return. “A driver will pick you up and drop you off at the hospital for all your rotations even when I’m gone. I don’t want any of those assholes to harass you.” His tone is intimidating as he quickly changes the subject.

“I think they’ll leave me alo
ne once you’re back in Boston. I’ll use my usual mode of transportation then.” I hate the idea of having my independence taken away from me.

“We’ll see.
I’m leaving my SUV for you. I hate you using the bus. It’s not safe, especially late in the evenings,” he replies.

“But…
,” I attempt to object.

“No buts…
,” he cuts me off. I know he’s being protective and caring, but it comes across as dominating and dictating, so it’s hard for me to swallow my pride. I’m not use to having someone tell me what to do or make my decisions for me. For now, I’ll let him have the last word, but it’s not the final decision in my book.

Carson
is dropping me off at the hospital this evening. I start my late shift rotation at the end of every month, they’re my least favorite. It’ll be a long painful night for me since I chose to spend every minute of my time with Carson instead of taking a necessary nap to prepare myself.

I
’ve dreaded this tormenting day all month long, trying to push it out of my mind, but it’s inevitable. It’s Saturday, my last full day with Carson before he flies back to Boston without me. All we’ve done this past week is evade the paparazzi and nosy people on campus, which is not exactly how I had hoped to spend our remaining time together. Who would’ve thought my colorless life would be this interesting to so many people? Not me.

I’ve been isolated
from the real world for two straight days. Sleeping during light hours and working late at night. This is why they call it the dead graveyard rotation. It’s mentally and physically challenging. Thanks to these terrible rotations, I’m confident E.R. medicine isn’t the direction for me. I’m much sharper and more skillful in the day time. Carson’s passion for curing cancer has undoubtedly persuaded me to be more interested in oncology, possibly radiation or medical.

I log onto my
laptop to check my status in the world of gossip, selfishly hoping they’ve found a new target and leave me the heck alone. I’m not wishing bad press or karma on anyone else. I just don’t want it to be me anymore. I Google ‘Carson Bradley’ and regretfully wished I hadn’t. There’s a new picture of yours truly, vomiting over a trashcan with Amelia in the background. I look emaciated and unhealthy. The caption implies I have an eating disorder to remain thin and sexy to compete with his ex-fiancée. I immediately come unglued. This implication will undoubtedly give my mother a heart attack. I promised Carson that I’d try to be strong for him, but I can’t when this kind of shit affects my mother. I burst into inconsolable tears again even though I’ve convinced myself to not resort to crying as a means of coping. My mother doesn’t need to see me looking this bad. It’ll only make things harder for her to handle, especially since we’re thousands of miles apart. No matter how hard I try to control my bawling, I just can’t stop the tears from flooding.

I
hastily dash to the bathroom and lock myself in. I can’t face Carson in this pathetic state when he arrives. He’ll be here soon. I guess soon is now. He’s knocking on the door. I can hear him talking to Amelia. With frustration in her tone, she informs him that I’ve been crying for the past hour. I hear his footsteps marching across the room. His hand wraps around the knob to open the door, but it’s locked. He calmly speaks to me through the hard wooden barrier that separates us.

“Lily
, please let me in. We’ll deal with it together.” I hear his forehead and hands gently tap against the door, desperately longing to come in.

“I can’t be strong
for you anymore,” I whimper while sitting with my back against the door and my face shamefully buried in my hands. My hitched breathing irritably delays each word that comes out as I catch a breath in between.

“Lil, i
t’s okay. You don’t need to be. I just want to hold you.” His calmness is persistent and so is his desperation. I hear it in his soft, solemn voice. I slowly unlock the door, and he immediately pushes it ajar with his foot and hand. His mind is nimble. He won’t give me another opportunity to reverse my decision and close him out again. He’s utterly distraught, seeing me standing there fragile and damaged. I can’t imagine what a hot mess I must appear to him, countering his perfect beauty. I’ve lost another five pounds, my hair is untidy, and my eyes are almost swollen shut from crying.

“
Damn it! Look at you, Lil. What have I done? I’ve been so selfish. I’ve completely fucked up your life by bringing you into mine.” His voice is trembling as he eyes me up and down. This only undermines my confidence more. How can I be remotely attractive to him at this point? I’m physically and mentally broken. How can I worry about myself right now? He’s punishing himself for my pain.

“
You can’t blame yourself. I chose to be with you,” I sob and he circles his arms around me, hugging me tightly against his pounding heart.

He
murmurs, “And look at what’s become of you. Please forgive me, Lil. I need you too much to let you go even though I know your life will be less complicated without me,” he admits his selfishness to keep me, but how can I hold this against him? There’s no way in hell I can imagine my life without him either.

“Carson, I
don’t want you to give me up. Are you out of your delusional mind? I’m hoping that our bond will be infinite.” He soul-searchingly gazes directly into my puffy red eyes and seals our bond with a soft kiss, bursting with devotion and sincerity.

“Infinity with you may not
even be long enough for me.” My favorite Carson dimpled smile appears across his handsome face. “I have good news that is guaranteed to cheer you up. I know what’s causing the nausea-vomiting. It’s a new preservative the Montgomery NeoMed Company has added to their baby formulas to increase shelf-life. When mixed with baby cereal, it creates an enzyme that can easily make a full grown man sick, let alone a little child.” I didn’t think it was possible for my face to grow a lesser shade of paleness but it does. My knees buckle, and I fall directly into his unfaltering chest. I’m positive he could feel my body crumble against his touch.

“Lil, are you okay?
Christ, I’d feel less anxious if you’d just simply agree to see a physician while I’m still here. I’m worried about you,” he grumbles at me.

I
regain my composure. “Carson, I’m fine. Thank you for all your effort. There’ll be many grateful families due to your discovery.” I circle my arms around his waist and bury my face into his chest. All he would need is a single look into my distraught eyes to confirm that I’m hiding something from him. I obviously didn’t contract the children’s illness. I haven’t had any baby cereal with formula. The only other logical conclusion for my condition is pregnancy, but I don’t want to dwell on that conclusion.

Since
Carson and I’ve been together, my punctual menstrual cycle has been out of whack. We’ve had unprotected sex several times, but he only came inside me once. I know that once is all that it takes, but the statistical percentages are in my favor for not getting pregnant. It’s hard to imagine that we coincidentally did it at the peak of my fertility, so I’ve mentally blamed this month’s irregular cycle on stress and never gave it another thought or lost any sleep over it.

Lucky m
e, I think I just won the baby lottery. Most couples would be ecstatic with baby news but not me, I’m selfishly mourning. This will completely alter the path to my future career and my relationship with Carson. I’m struggling to breathe as the possibility becomes more real. I’m fighting hard to conceal it from the supportive man standing in front of me. A thousand panicked-stricken thoughts run through my mind. How could I have been so irresponsible?  Who can I blame, but my stupid self?

I
can’t make any rash decisions until I confirm my pregnancy first. I’m not allowed to cry, I remind myself. I can’t drop the ball on him now. We’ve only known each other for a month, and I have no idea if he even wants a baby in his demanding world. His mother does, but it didn’t sound like he was thrilled about it.
Stop thinking the worst! You’re not pregnant! There has to be some other explanation
, I encourage myself.

“The other news I want
to share with you is my PR people and attorneys have been working around the clock to polish your image. I know you’re more concerned about how it affects your mother than yourself. It won’t be a problem for either one of you anymore. I’ve sent out legal warnings to all gossip magazines. They should be much nicer to us.”

Finally,
there’s a light at the end of my caved-in world. “Thank you, Carson. You don’t know how much guilt you’ve lifted off my chest. My mother means everything to me, and I hate seeing her upset or sad because of me.”

He
keeps a firm grip around my body. “If it’s also okay with you, I’d like my PR to release a statement about us. I want the whole world to know that my heart belongs to you.” His smile is proud.

I nestle my face against his chest and agree
to his heartening request. “You should already know that mine has been yours since that first night we made love,” I admit. He hugs me even tighter.

“Everything wil
l be taken care of by Monday,” he assures me. Now I know who he was short with on the phone the other day. Carson would be extremely difficult to work for, in my opinion. His fickle mood undoubtedly would intimidate most people, including me, sometimes. “I’m taking you away with me for the night. We’ll be flying to St. Lucia to spend a relaxing day and evening at Pearl Mountain Resort. You don’t need to pack anything.” He presses two fingers gently against my lips to silence me. “I’ve handled all the details. I just need you to come willingly with me.” He gives me a persuasive smile. “If not, I’ll take you by force and kidnap you myself.” His smile is now more devilishly evil, but still incredibly handsome. “The choice is all yours. Choose wisely, baby.”

“Yes, of course I’ll come with you.
I want to spend every last minute of today with you,” I say it like it’s the last time I’ll be with him.

He
grasps my hands, leans down and soothes me with a kiss. “Don’t make it sound like we’ll never see each other again after tonight because this is not the case.” He’s so attuned to my mind and body. It makes me more apprehensive about my possible pregnancy secret. I need more time to figure things out. I just can’t think about it now. I want to spend our last day together being happy.

____________________

Thanks to Ame and Owen, we’re able to escape the paparazzi, undetected. They disguised themselves as us and drove Carson’s SUV away from the school campus while we took Amelia’s car to the airport. I’ve accumulated a lot of frequent flyer miles since I’ve met Carson. The flight is thankfully short since the islands are relatively close to one another. Carson invited Ame to accompany us, all expenses paid. It’s his way of showing gratitude to her for being a wonderful and supportive friend. I’m grateful to have her with me, especially now. I need to unload my possible pregnancy news to her because it’s driving me insane, keeping it all to myself. I just want to scream to the top of my lungs to release the tension trapped inside me.

“I can’t believe how
awesome this jet is,” she excitedly squeals. “I’ll spend most of my time at the spa. You won’t even know I’m here with you, Lil,” she considerately severs me from any obligations to spend time with her. I may have few friends, but the ones I have are irreplaceable.

“We should at least have lunch together
,” I suggest. I don’t want to completely exclude her. I desperately need to confide my possible pregnancy with her. I want her advice on what to do. I can’t make sound judgments without a second opinion, but she refuses to accept my lunch offer.

“No
, thank you. There’s no time for lunch. My schedule is completely booked.” She gives me a teasing grin.

“Alright
, I get the picture.” I roll my eyes at her. Carson looks over to us and smiles. He and Owen have been discussing work since the jet left St. Croix. Carson’s mind seems more distracted since their conversation. It’s beyond my grasp to understand how one person can manage a billion dollar operation that affects millions of people.