Behind The Mask (Nurses Book 2) (5 page)

But I forced myself to go back inside my room. I forced myself to leave her light. Shutting the door was incredibly hard, because once I did, the feelings returned. I hate the feelings, I hate myself, and I hate the man that I have become. I’ve thought about suicide, like really sat and thought about it, but it’s just not something I can do to myself. I may not have friends or family,  and I know that even though I hate myself now, it’s only temporary. Suicide is a forever consequence that I’m not ready to live with.

I need to get out of this headspace because I know it’s not good for me. It’s not “conducive” to healing as one of these quacks would say. But what the fuck do they know? A knock at my door has me debating whether to ignore or to answer it. They don’t push me too much around here to be involved.

“What the fuck do you people want?” I yell out, not bothering to go to the damn door. I don’t want to be bothered.

“Look, housekeeping needs to come clean out your room, so get up and get out!” a woman’s voice I don’t recognize yells back at me. Who the fuck does she think she is?

“You people never leave me the fuck alone! I just want to sit here, my room isn’t dirty, so get the fuck away from my door!” I yell back at her because now my blood is starting to do a slow burn. I’m getting angrier and angrier in this place. In this room. My own personal prison, my own personal hell.

Just when I think I’m being left alone, in barges this nurse, the one from before that made my dick hard. She looks like an angel with the light from the hallway filtering in around her in my dark room. I have to shield my eyes because it’s so bright. Her hair is up in a ponytail but I can see that it’s with blonde on top and black underneath. The blonde has grown out a bit showing off her brown roots, but it’s not trashy. I can’t see her face very well because the light is behind her. Her body is incredible. I mean on a scale of one to ten hers is a twenty. Tits that would be more than a handful, a thick waist which tells me she has some succulent meat on her bones. I saw her ass from a distance when she was doing CPR so I know that her ass is on point.

She flips on the light, and instantly my dick strains to get out. It knows what it wants and it wants this beauty in front of me. Before I can even look at her face, I’m having to adjust my dick in my shorts. But when I look up, I’m met with the most gorgeous set of brown eyes I have ever seen. Like melted milk chocolate but with flecks of gold glitter in them. I also notice something else. She has an X carved into her face and my vision goes red. I want to rip whoever did this to her limb from limb. Never in my life have I ever felt that kind of strong emotion towards someone. I have to know who the fuck did this to her and I have to hurt them with my bare hands.

“Get your ass up, you can’t sit here all day being mean to people. Especially when they didn’t do shit to deserve it! It’s not healthy, and you will never be able to leave this place if you don’t!” Her voice. God, that voice could cure any heartache that ails you.

I just grunt at her because I’m at a serious loss for words. I feel like a caveman grunting at the pretty lady. But her beauty makes me forget what I was going to say. The scar makes me murderous, so it is best I don’t say anything.

She stomps across the room and I get to see her perfect ass up close. Plenty to grab on to, plenty to give a smack when I’m balls deep inside her from behind. She tips up on her toes as she grabs the curtains and yanks them open. My mouth goes dry when her scrub top rides up a little showing off two back dimples.

“So, you gonna get your ass up and join us outside of your cave?” Her hands are on her hips as if she is disappointed like a mom would scold her child. The motion draws my attention to her hips, and I want nothing more than to grab a hold of her and not let go.

“What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“Sweetheart? I’m nobody’s sweetheart, besides what’s it matter what my name is? As soon as housekeeping is done, you will be right back in here doing whatever it is you do,” she challenges back at me, with a smirk on her pretty lips.

“Just want to know, never seen you here before.” I’m trying to keep her talking because that voice is like warm honey just dripping in sweetness.

“You would if you left your room. But seeing how you don’t, I’m Cori, I’m new around here. So since you’re asking questions I will, too. Why don’t you come out your room?”

I’m thrown off guard by her boldness. I can’t even think of a response. She probably thinks that I’m dumb, which hey, I’m a guy and we all are in our own ways. But words have never escaped me before. I probably look like a fish out of water to her with my mouth gaping open.

“Ummm, I just don’t fucking like people. It’s not a crime.” There, maybe that will throw her off guard.

“Well, that’s a shame, because there are some pretty cool old timers here. Have you met Allyn?”

Yeah, I have met the pain in the ass old man. All he wants to do is talk about his dead wife and tell me stupid jokes. I dunno how long the old man has been here, but he seems to know everybody.

“Yeah, I’ve met him. Look, I’m not a talkative person, and I don’t have the best attitude, so I don’t leave my room. None of them fucking matter to me, none of them are going to bring my leg back or my friends back. Nobody can add anything to this shit life. So I stay in here because it is better than being in the circus of freaks out there.”

She looks wounded from my statement. I don’t know why, but if I had my guess it would be because of those scars on her face. I wish, no I need to know what happened to give her those markings. She catches me staring and ducks her head.

“Well, you need to leave your room so they can clean. If you need something, you can find me in the circus, with the freaks.” With that, she just turns on her heel and walks off. I feel like such an asshole. I should never have stared, but it wasn’t necessarily the markings I was looking at. It was just the beauty of her within that shines through.

Circus of freaks? Really? I want to punch him so bad right now. To show him that I am not in a circus of freaks, I am the fucking ringleader!  What an asshole! I have never in my life met someone who is so wounded and pushes people away as hard as him. Shame really, he is gorgeous, and the first thing I noticed on him wasn’t his missing leg, but his eyes. His eyes are haunting, and of the million bad things they have seen, those secrets he will keep.

But he’s an asshole. The arrogance that he exudes is enough to make me hate him, instantly. I don’t normally walk right into patient’s rooms that refuse me, but I won’t let somebody be shitty to me when I don’t deserve it. Barging in that room all I could feel is the negative energy of disdain and hatred. It’s like a black cloud hangs over his head, and even though his eyes are full of secrets the bags underneath show a lack of sleep. He actually has eyes that look like mine, exhausted and desperate.

He is exactly the kind of guy that “Old Cori” would have gone for. Tall, sexy as sin, tatted with an attitude to match. He ought to have a big flashing red sign above his head screaming “bad boy here” with an arrow pointed at him. The new Cori, however, doesn’t care about finding a man. The thought repulses me.
Keep telling yourself that Cor, you would so jump at the chance to see him again.
My mind needs to shut its trap, even though it is speaking the truth. I would like to see him again, but his attitude just plain stinks.

After leaving his room, I make my way to all of the other rooms on this side of the hall and get those residents out because housekeeping really is coming in. It just wasn’t a ploy to see what was behind the forbidden door. Allyn and his group are in the day room worried over their friend. I told him I would call the hospital in an hour or so to make sure his friend is ok.

No other residents put up a fight about leaving their rooms, hell most don’t stay in them during the day. They seem to prefer to be outside or with the other residents. Thankfully, this isn’t a prison, so everyone is free to go as they choose. They know what time their appointments are for therapy and exams, so they know when they need to get back. According to Samantha, the ones that have motorized wheelchairs often take them to the convenience store for slushies and candy, some even fish from the grass of the parking lot.

“Hey, Cori, how’s your first couple of days going?” I startle and drop my never ending stack of paperwork. I think that is Sam’s greatest joy in life is to drop paperwork with others. I glance up and see Martin the security guard.

“Oh, um, hey Martin. It’s going good. Everyone seems pretty decent.”

“Good. You let me know if you see any trouble. Also, Cori, don’t be a stranger, I would like to think we are all a family here, so come say hi every once in a while. Take it easy on an old man so he doesn’t have to walk all the way here.” He doesn’t say it in a creepy way, just in a fatherly way, a way to remind you that you can come to him if need be. It’s a warm feeling  to know someone is on your side, whether you take them up on it or not. I don’t have very many people in my corner anymore, so to have someone who doesn’t even know me want to be a person on my side is incredible. I guess that since I started working at the prison, my trust level has diminished. When you are constantly watching over your shoulder and someone is hammering into you that you cannot trust anyone, you actually start to not trust anyone. Personal and professional. Being attacked, beaten, raped, and left to die makes that little bit you did have nonexistent.

“Thanks, Martin. I will remember that.” I try for my warmest smile to match his, but I fail. I can feel the droop in my smile from the scars. Instantly, with just a smile, my mood  drops down in the dumps. Hearing the entire hallway go silent, I look behind me and see that Knight has left his room. Score one for me! Everyone seems to be watching him, which is really sad because he called all of us freaks. I can’t imagine what is going through in his head as he sees everyone staring, almost signaling him out as the freak.

He slowly wheels down the hallway, with his crutches up against him as if he’s planning on getting up out of his wheelchair. I hope he does. Samantha said he rarely leaves his room, instead having everyone come to him if he allows people to come in at all. She said it’s not often that he does his therapy, let alone comply with what they suggest he does. He tries to come across as a dick, but I think his soul is just wounded. Wounded people seem to have a beacon for other wounded people. Like our souls say hey to each other without us ever uttering a word.

I try to busy myself with paperwork so I don’t get caught gawking at him. Those green eyes are just so haunting.  I could get lost in them forever, tell them my every secret, and watch what they do. Would those eyes look at me with sympathy or with pity for my situation if they knew what I have been through?

Not as if that would ever happen. I refuse to let myself get close to anyone anymore. If you don’t get close to people then when the monsters hurt you they won’t get caught in the crosshairs. Xavier robbed me of a lot more than my looks. He robbed me of my ability to trust, to love, to be a functioning person. I will never be the same again, daily I am haunted by the past, it is in my head every waking moment. The thought has me frowning into my paperwork, ready to burst into tears. I hate being this way. I hate shying away from people's touch or that I have to tense myself up if I have to touch a patient.

I can feel his eyes on me as if he is watching me instead of me watching him. It flusters me to be the center of anyone’s attention. But his eyes on me doesn’t give me the feeling of ants crawling on me, like when others gawk. It doesn’t feel like he is staring at my scars, only that he is looking at the real me. It feels good, empowering almost. Like I’m the only person in the room with him instead of on this busy floor.

“Look, I didn’t mean to piss you off.” He approaches me after I turned my back to him almost like he was waiting for me to not look him in the eyes. So he can apologize without seeing me.

“You didn’t.” I’m trying to keep it short and sweet. I don’t want to give him the impression that he owes me an apology. If there is one thing I’ve learned in this crappy life it’s that nobody owes you anything, let alone an apology.

“I’m not good at talking to people. I used to be okay until everything happened over there. Since then, I just don’t want to be bothered with.  I like to be left alone, be in misery in peace.” Yet again, he chooses to be an asshole.

“Don’t worry. I will only talk to you if it’s absolutely necessary.” My words come out with a bite I didn’t intend. I don’t want him to know that he affects me in any way.

“Cori, I didn’t…”

I cut him off before he is able to say anything else to upset me. “No, I got it. It’s okay. I understand.”

With that, I walk off to give an update on Allyn’s buddy. It doesn’t look good for the old timer. He had been down too long, but we did all that we could, and he went down again at the ER. Now it’s up to the family whether they want to pull the plug or not. I hope this goes over well, I hope they don’t lay the blame on me for something that was out of my control. One thing I have seen in the few days I’ve been here is that a lot of these guys have a comradery that I have never seen. Of course, all of my work experience is limited to the prison. There was no honor amongst thieves in that place. Your own blood brother would stab you in the back in a heartbeat.