Being Jamie Baker (23 page)

“It should be easy for you too. You’re special now, Jamie. Powerful. Don’t be afraid to use that power.”

“Excuse me?” I didn’t mean to sound panicked all of a sudden, but come on. You know you’d freak out a little too.

Mr. Edwards studied me again, considering the sudden edge in my voice. He seemed to proceed with caution. “You have the upper hand here, Jamie. You’re so much more ahead of the game than Paige or any other kid here at Rocklin High. You know what it’s like to be them. Only sophomore to make the varsity cheer squad, dating the prom king, most popular girl in your old school… a beauty queen?”

“All that in my file too?” I grumbled, feeling a little embarrassed.

Mr. Edwards chuckled this time. “Mr. Miller’s biography was very enlightening.” I blushed, strangely ready to murder Ryan, while Mr. E. continued with his lecture. “You know what it’s like to be them,” he repeated, “but they have no idea what it’s like to be you. You’ve endured far too much real pain to let mere words hurt you. You’re too strong for that now.” Oh, okay. Metaphorical power. I get it. Oh, the irony. “That was quite the speech, Mr. E.” Oddly enough, though, it made me feel a little better.

“Sorry.” Mr. Edwards chuckled. “One of the downfalls to studying literature. Everything always has to be dramatic.”

It’s no wonder I felt comfortable with him then. My mom doesn’t call me a drama queen for nothing. “I must be destined to be a lit professor someday,” I mumbled under my breath. Mr. Edwards heard me and laughed.

I wiped away the last of my tears and even managed to return his grin with a small smile. The smile seemed to placate him for the time being, and he headed back to his desk with his box of tissues.

“Good night, Ms. Baker,” he said before I left the room. “And remember, you’re the one with all the power.”

You have no idea
, I thought as I pulled the door shut behind me.

* * * * *

Mr. Edwards’s speech had actually given me a lot to think about, so instead of going home, I headed for the hilltop that overlooks the football field. I sat down just about the time the football team started trickling onto the field in their practice clothes.

I couldn’t take my eyes off Ryan as he ran out onto the field. There was no spring in his step, no smile on his face. He looked as miserable as I felt. He was having a really bad day too, and not only was it not over for him, I seriously doubted Coach Pelton was as understanding as Mr. Edwards. He was obviously still not happy about two of his star players’ suspensions. Barely able to speak without yelling, he just choked out the word, “Laps!” and pointed his finger at the track.

Ryan started running, and as soon as Mike showed up, he was ordered to the same punishment.

Mike hit the track and quickly caught up to Ryan, but the minute he tried to speak to him, Ryan picked up his pace. “Miller!” Mike yelled, catching up to Ryan again. “Come on, dude. This is stupid.” Ryan suddenly stopped running and whirled around to get in Mike’s face. “Get out of my face, Driscoll, before I pound yours!”

“Fine. If that’s how it’s gonna be.”

For the rest of practice, Mike was stone cold to Ryan and pounded him into the ground every chance he got. More than once, the coach had to pull him off Ryan before they started a brawl.

I hated watching Mike use Ryan as a tackle dummy, but it was even more depressing to see Ryan so upset. It was so unlike him to be yelling and threatening to pound people’s faces. I missed that happy-go-lucky guy who made everyone around him smile. I wanted him back, and I realized that there was only one way that was going to happen.

Mr. Edwards was absolutely right about me having all the power. I was the only one who could fix the rift between Ryan and his friends. I had to prove to people that he wasn’t being brainwashed by the freak. I had to make an effort. I had to be nice. It was true that I couldn’t be both the ice queen and Jamie. I had to choose. Right here. Right now. And thanks to Mr. Edwards, I was sure I was strong enough to make the right decision.

Well, pretty sure.

Okay, I wasn’t sure at all, I was terrified. But I had to. For Ryan.

My eyes fell on Mike and I cringed. There was just no possible way I could ever play nice with him, but then I looked across the field at the small group of cheerleaders doing cartwheels and toe touches. I fell into a moment of nostalgia as I watched their routine. I used to love cheering so much.

Once upon a time I even wanted to cheer for the Chicago Bulls professionally.

My smile faded when the group stopped and I heard Paige’s shrill voice. “I swear, Becky! You’re a half second late on the entire routine, your handsprings are sloppy, and you haven’t landed your dismount in weeks. If you don’t get it together, you’re out! The qualifier for the state championships will be here before you know it, and as captain it’s my job to not let you ruin it for everyone. Let’s do it again! Everyone, from the top!”

Okay, I could never tolerate Paige either, but Becky? I didn’t harbor any real resentment toward her. And today in class, with Amy, Allysa, and even Scott? Surely it wouldn’t kill me to smile at any of them once in a while. I didn’t have to be friends with them necessarily; I just had to be civilized. I could do civilized.

I sat there watching and listening and mostly thinking until practice was over, and I decided that I had to start with Becky. She was still the most popular girl in school, at least for now, and she meant the most to Ryan. Building some kind of relationship with her would make the most difference.

I felt sick to my stomach, but I knew I had no choice, so I took a deep breath and headed back to school. I waited around the corner from the locker room doors, sort of behind the bleachers. I figured it’d be best to catch her alone, but I wasn’t the only one with that idea. Becky was the last to drag herself from the field, and right before she reached the girls’ locker room, Mike grabbed her by the arm. “What was all that back there with Ryan? What have you been saying to him?” he growled.

“You mean did I tell him what you did to me after the homecoming dance?” she hissed, yanking her arm free from his grip.

“I didn’t do anything to you that you didn’t ask for.”

“Right.”

“Is that what you told Ryan? Is that why he won’t even talk to me?” My anger was raging inside of me as I listened to their conversation. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before. Ever since the dance, all of Becky’s odd behavior, her clear hatred for the guy she’d happily gone to the dance with, it suddenly all made sense. And I wanted to kill Mike for it.

“Leave me alone!” Becky screamed, but Mike stopped her again.

“Did you say anything to Ryan or not?”

“No, all right?” Becky screamed again. “You think I want the entire school to know what you did to me? So everyone can stare at me funny and talk about me behind my back? No thanks.”

“They wouldn’t believe you anyway.”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t told anyone, so just forget it! I know that’s what I want to do.” Becky had tears in her eyes now, and she jerked herself free from Mike again. “Don’t ever touch me again!”

“Well, if you didn’t say anything, then what the hell is Miller’s problem?”

“Are you dense? The guy is head over heels for Jamie, and you told the entire school that she killed her boyfriend. She actually
cried
in English today. Of course Ryan’s mad at you!” This news seemed to amuse Mike. As if I didn’t want to kill him enough already? “No way! She cried?” He laughed.

“You are such a jerk,” Becky said with utter disgust. “Stay away from me.” Becky took off without bothering to hit the locker room, and since I was a few volts shy of a lightning storm, I had to sit down. It was going to take Buddha himself to calm me down, so I went back to my hill and tried to breathe. I sat there for fifteen minutes until the football players and the cheerleaders began to trickle out of the locker rooms one by one.

When Mike was the first person to come out, I simply couldn’t help myself. I knew I’d decided to resurrect my inner Jamielynn for Ryan’s sake, but I thought this particular situation called for the ice queen just one last time. I had the emotions under control again, so I flew down to the school and leaned against the end of the bleachers just before Mike got there. “Hey,” I said casually as he walked past.

Mike was a little startled to see me, but his curiosity got the better of him and he stopped. “What are you doing here?”

I didn’t answer his question. “Why did you help me?” I asked instead. Mike looked confused, so I elaborated. “The day that reporter was harassing me in the parking lot, why did you help me?” Mike kept an excellent poker face. I couldn’t read it at all. “Seemed like the thing to do,” he said, shrugging.

“So why did you tell the whole school about my accident?”

He shrugged again. “Seemed like the thing to do.”

Mike still seemed completely casual, but I could keep my cool too. I nodded understandingly. “Is your beef with Ryan really about me?” I asked with a friendly smile. “You always seemed fine with the idea of him nailing me before. You encouraged him even.”

“That was before you turned him into your little ice king.”

“So it has nothing to do with the fact that he got on your case about Becky?” Mike flinched beneath his perfect expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Oh, he knew exactly what I was talking about. I could see it in his eyes. “Man,” I said. “The guilt is really eating away at you, isn’t it?” His eyes narrowed, but I kept going. “Or is it fear I’m seeing? Are you afraid that your best friend is going to figure out that you raped his best friend?” I enjoyed watching Mike’s face turn white. “Listen, you little—” he started.

“No, you listen!” I knew Mr. Edwards had been speaking metaphorically about using my power and all, but I chose to take him literally right then and grabbed the collar of Mike’s shirt, yanking him toward me, lifting him onto the balls of his toes. Gotta love superstrength. Even if it had been guilt in his eyes before, it was definitely fear now. “Killing my boyfriend may have been an accident, but if you ever touch Becky, or any other girl, ever again, killing you won’t be. Understand? And while we’re at it, stop talking crap about me. It upsets Ryan.”

I let go of Mike with just enough of a shove for him to fall backward. I slammed my foot against his chest, flattening him on his back. I may have used a little unnecessary force, but I knew I wasn’t really hurting him. Hey, the guy’s a linebacker. Sometimes brute force is the only way to get through to them.

“Oh, and if you ever tell anyone about this conversation, you’ll regret it.” I flashed him a beautiful smile as I removed my foot and added a perky “See you tomorrow.” Would I have ever actually hurt Mike? Of course not. Well, not on purpose. But did I feel bad about making him believe that I would? No. Maybe I should have but I didn’t. I walked away feeling better than I had all day.

I got almost to the parking lot when I noticed that Becky hadn’t left after her talk with Mike. She was out on the field doing handspring after handspring. After threatening Mike I was feeling pretty good, so I figured I’d better give this whole making-an-effort thing a shot before I chickened out. With a sigh I changed course for the football field.

“Your problem’s in your footing. Your toes tend to point out when you land,” I said when Becky’s tumbling came to a stop.

Becky was speechless, and color me paranoid, but it didn’t seem like she was all that grateful for my critique. “I used to have the same problem,” I offered. “My coach told me to try to lift my toes inside my shoes when I jumped. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I started sticking my landings after that.” Becky was still frozen in shock, so I just kept talking. “It’s been a long time, so I don’t know that I’d be much help, but if you ever want someone to practice with who isn’t going to constantly bite your head off, I wouldn’t mind.”

I couldn’t believe I’d just told her I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her. And the craziest part was, I felt like it was the truth. I really wouldn’t mind. Once I’d said it, I realized I wasn’t just doing this for Ryan. It would be so nice to have a girl to talk to again.

I tried to smile, but that’s kind of hard to do when you’re so nervous you feel like you’re about to vomit. When Becky finally caught up with the moment, she didn’t yell, but her voice was as cold as, well, ice.

“Leave me alone.”

She was hostile enough that I wanted to grant her request, but I owed it to Ryan to try a little harder. “I know what you’re going through.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Becky said through clenched teeth.

“I’ll bet I know what really happened between you and Mike,” I said softly, and Becky’s face turned green. “You and I have a lot more in common than Ryan thinks. And trust me, if you keep the secret to yourself long enough, trying to pretend it didn’t happen, you’ll end up exactly like me. I’m not trying to scare you, and I won’t tell anyone. I’m just saying I’ve been there, and if you ever want to talk about it… Well, I know
I
could really use a friend who understands anyway.” Becky didn’t say anything for what felt like a long time. Her eyes filled with tears, and her whole body started to shake until she finally exploded. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!” she yelled. “We don’t have anything in common! I don’t need your friendship, and I don’t want it! I
hate
you! You’ve taken the only decent person in this school and turned him into a jerk! You’re so selfish that you’re letting him ruin his life for you!”

I didn’t know what to say. It hurt when she said she hated me, but I couldn’t blame her. And she was right about one thing: Ryan was ruining his life over me. But she was wrong in thinking that I wanted him to. I’d been trying to push him away since day one.

Before I had the chance to defend myself, Paige and Tamika were suddenly there, and they were protectively clamping their arms in Becky’s.

“Go away!” Tamika shouted at me.

“Yeah!” Paige said. “Nobody wants you here, freak! Why don’t you do us all a favor and just kill yourself like you killed your last boyfriend!”