Being Kalli (24 page)

Reeling from the sting, I stand there, trying to calm the pounding in my chest and head, only able to find my voice after I see him down my driveway.

I’m worried you’ll realise you’re too good for the whore I really am
, I think.

But I’ll have time to tell him that later. At least I’ll see him
later tonight at this party.

I close the front door, heading back in, head sunken to my chest.
So much so that when I walk to my room, I bump heads with Mum.

“Youch,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “
You okay?”

She must have seen my face.

“He had to leave quickly, much to my sorrow,” I deadpan. It’s a version of the truth.

“Go g
rab a coffee from the kitchen and meet me at the table.”

I do as she says, interested i
n this flip. I pour some coffee from the pot into two cups. She sits across from me, and with her so on the ball these days and interested in discussing what’s on her mind, I have a feeling of what she wants to talk about.

“I’m so happy for you, Kalli!” she cries.

“Because of Nate.”

“Yup. You slept with him last night, didn’t you?”

“Err, this is weird.”

“Why?” Mu
m asks. She cups the mug and sips at her coffee, all the while studying my expressions. “You’ve always been a free one, and it’s never bothered you before.”

“’Cause! You’ve never asked.
I’m weirded out that we’re finally talking like this. You … you know. You never really noticed or cared. Actually, I’m not sure which it was.”

“I care about you, Kalli. I always care what you do.” She sighs. Her shoulders dip and she flicks off some lone crumbs from the table.
“I’m so happy about things with you and Nate. Not because if an accident happens I’m set to have the world’s most beautiful grandkids, but for you. You’re so free. You look like you’re smiling when you walk, worlds away in happy thoughts. You don’t look like you’ve woken with a vengeance against the world. You’re happy these days, and if it’s because of him, I’m even happier.”

If only she knew what
had happened this morning
.

“Aw, thanks, Mu
m.” My eyes bulge, and as quick as I can, I rush out, “Mary. God, what the fuck was that? Mary.
Mary
.”

Mu
m takes my hand and pins it to the table under hers. “Do you know how I said when I was ready I’d explain things?”

I nod.

“Seeing you happy with Nate makes me happy after all these years. I’ve stuffed up massively, but one of the biggest was the way I handled looking after you. Part of it just got too much for me.

“
I met your biological father one night at a party, and we went too far. I realised I was drunk and didn’t want to do anything more so I tried to stop, but he was so drunk he didn’t realise I was pushing away. My words were slurred, unrecognisable, my limbs like jelly. I probably looked like I was play-fighting him.

“
So, being the coward I was, I just lay there and cried silently and hoped it would be over. I was so young and not ready to be a parent. That’s why I taught you to call me Mary. I love you so much; always have. That mistake turned out to be one of the three joys in my life.

“
But it doesn’t matter what you call me. I am starting to show how I appreciate the people who love me, and I’ll always love you, Kalli. Always.”

She leans over the table and kisses my forehead. “
Don’t waste Nate. I wish I had someone like him when I was a teenager, to help me love you the way I should have.”

And with that bombshell, she takes her remaining coffee and leaves.

Scout and I layer up our coats and head outside. It’s cold but not freezing, so it’s okay for a little walk since I haven’t been able to keep still all day long. All day long with Nate away and my unsaid words driving me insane, and a jealous monster in me wondering how many semi-naked or fully naked women he could see today. I’m sure he’s taking pleasure in his job. Old Kalli would have teased him and loved seeing his reaction, but this Kalli wants to draw a sheet between his eyes and the set and tell him to blindly hold up the camera, snap and hope for the best.

My other distraction is no better. I’ve found out who my father really was. He’s still a random
, like I’ve always known, but that extra information makes me hurt for my mum.

Needing the distraction,
Scout and I head to a local park. There’s a wide gravel path that cuts through the middle and disappears at the end. Trees overhang from both sides, almost meeting above, and there are wide spaces between the trunks for the crazy children to run through.

Being a Saturday it’s littered with kids and families, couples splayed over a blanket and rolled on top of each other, feathering kisses to one another.

Stuff like that.

I notice all that romancey stuff
now, and instead of rolling my eyes, a feeling pinches in my gut, reminding me of my relationship status with Nate.

“So tell me
,” Scout says.

We start
talking about last night’s happenings for both of us and swear not to say anything to Steph or Nate about the other, although that’s a given facet of bestie trust.

“
It went from that good to fucked. Clearly, I’m not into Donovan. Nate should have given me the chance to explain.” I have to shake my head to bring my mind back to here, to us walking down the long path. “He should trust me!”

“
Naturally being in the position I am I don’t want to pick sides, but you both have points here.”

“He does? Have a real case to be mad?”

“I don’t think he’s mad, Kalli. You told me you’ve said you’re sorry, but I bet Donovan doesn’t directly come up in conversation between you much otherwise.”

I shake my head
, no.

“What happened was a mistake, but it’s still a big kick to his confidence with you, in himself as a guy. It’s blatantly obvious Nate’s been pining over you for ages. I just think that shit at the party with you and Donovan cut him so deep he worries over nothing these days still. And—Kalli
, I say this as your loving best friend—I can see his point. We know you’ve changed, but ways-of-life are hard to break, and he’s probably so used to you being impulsive and confident. In the shock he just froze up and instead worried about your motives for hiding your relationship.”

“You know,
” I start, pausing to watch the path pass under our feet as we stroll through the park, oblivious to other people, “I think we’re a dream sometimes. I have this nagging sense this is too good, and it has to be a dream.”

“The only thing dreamy about this is the way you two look at each other.”

“I could say the same for you, Scouty,” I say, teasing.

“Yeah,
Steph blew that crap out of the water last night. She was amazing. I know she’s not under stress I have been from having to hide it, but after
that
blow up at the restaurant, I wasn’t sure she’d get it. She made me hot chocolate with marshmallows, and watched
Law and Order
from my collection, although she’s from the
CSI
fence. She even flipped me over and massaged my back for half an hour.”

“Sounds like this is where it gets kinky.”

Scout rolls her eyes. “Well, maybe it did, but it’s funny that the people I can rely on aren’t my blood relatives at all. I say funny, because I’m obviously not shocked.”

“Sco
ut.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder and cuddle in to her.

It’s shit how bad things happen to good people. Scout’s never outdone my bad behavio
ur, even in her shitty moods. I don’t get why, after what her father did, how they could just pretend not to have a reaction at all. What an insult. I can’t figure out if it’s worse they tried to hide it, and pretend Scout never said she was gay, try to undo it all, or if it’d have been worse for them to get angry or be disgusted with her.

In the end, they’re both rejections. It’s just a matter of what hurts more.

“Ok
ay
,” I say to Scout, drawing up to a stop in front of her and holding her back at arm’s length. “I have the perfect cure.”

Her eyes flash three shades of worry, before she gulps that down and stutters, “Y
… yeah?”

“Shh, once a party
girl, always a party girl. You’re not going to go on and leave me in this alone, will you? Maybe when you’re in your thirties you can get over parties, but not tonight.”

Scout purses her lips and scans the path behind me. It’s wide enough for a pram to pass by on either side comfortably. She has no excuses to worm away. Finally, she submits, and returns to look at me.

“Donovan asked me to a party tonight. I had sort of planned to go, but Nate said he’s going and even if I go with him, I’d rather you come. I need my bestie. We can go together. Nate’s busy and will catch up later. Steph can come with you, too. We can do what we do best: relax, drink and chill.”

Her mouth transforms into a smile Cameron Diaz can’t top. The sides of her lips perk her cheeks into flushed red apple shapes and she lets out a little squeal.

We talk details and such. We both have too many over-worn dresses, tops and skirts, and unused ones we may never wear. First world problems. We end up chatting over our iPhones, nodding and agreeing while checking Facebook updates. There are several notifications on mine, and I notice on my feed Nate’s updated with a comment in a photo he was tagged in.

Butterflies flutter in my stomach and for a moment, I’m too excited to see what he’s done today, too nervous wondering what will come up that I just hover my thumb over the highlighted notification and wait. On my
phone it doesn’t preview a thumbnail of the photo, but it does show Nate’s comment, “LOL”.

The little loading circle naturally ta
kes its time, but when it loads …

Little Fucker
.

The
phone camera is shitty, but the image is clear enough to make out Nate puckering his lips and the hottest girl I’ve ever seen. She’s bending her ass out and leaning forward, hands on hips, tongue curled out to lick Nate’s puckered lips.

If I could see this photo clearly, I’d hate to think how much prettier she actually was.

“Scout,” I growl. “The fuck?” I say, shoving my phone in front of her.

She studies the picture, eyebrows furrowed. After a few seconds, she just
cocks her head to the side. “Um, Kalli?” Scout looks down, away. Her lips knead together and she fiddles with my phone.

“
You’re surprised? Not surprised …?”

“I don’t think he knows she’s doing this.”

“So,” I say, “you mean Nate doesn’t realise a hot model is a breath away from licking his lips?”

Scout bursts out laughing at that. I have to slap her head to get her to focus and look back at me.

“Can’t you see it? He’s focusing hard on something and she’s standing behind him by the looks of it,
pretending
she’s licking him since he doesn’t have a clue. Actually—” she points to a corner “—this guy knows exactly what she’s doing and he’s pissing himself laughing.”

“You’re full of crap. He’s so obviously—”

I cut off when I notice she seems smaller than him. Like, females are smaller, but even in the grainy photo she’s smaller than what I assume she should be, which means I’m a green-eyed fool. Of
course
she’s standing behind him. And anyone who looks as serious as Nate has issues if they’re not concentrating on something.

I don’t tell Scout any of this. Instead, I reply with a
, “Whatever, let’s go and prepare.”

I’m back to the highs and lows of falling in love.
Oh, the woes. We walk back silently, my thoughts louder than ever, reminding me that maybe Nate was right and I’m waiting for, picking out opportunities for things to go wrong.

I’m s
o used to things going wrong for me.

W
e have to have a chat, and he needs to hear those three special words, along that I’m fully committed to us. Maybe we’re so crazy into each other we’re thinking and saying crazy things, twisting what’s real in our jealousy.

I had to hit this low to understand relationshi
ps are up and down. Nate adores and loves me, regardless.

Welcome, Kalli, to this beautiful life.

Scout and I do the dorky thing and arrive at the party by eight-thirty, a first. Scout’s in her standard jeans, heels and a slashed off-the-shoulder top. I plan on making this the best night ever and blowing Nate’s mind, so I thoughtfully have on a strapless sundress with shimmery swirls over the bust. It pinches under my bra-line then free flows to mid-thigh. I paired this with knee-high black boots, and, no underwear, which I’ve never done, but we may be frantic again after we’ve sorted this mess-up. He loves my hair straight so it’s like that, parted down the middle. I have smoky eyes to make them pop—Nate may not know what smoky eyes are, but I can read body language and he likes them.

The party atmosphere is mellow as we walk around. There’s no DJ yet but what seems to be a mixed playlist from the speakers. The lights are off and instead shining lights
beam from the ceiling. The bar is open, but the bartenders are taking their time finishing setting up.

There are the usuals here. Two groups always come to these things early, apparently
, and they’re here now, in a circle, drinks in hands. I hear “trigonometry” and make an effort not to listen to the rest of that conversation.

We w
alk outside to the gas heaters and grab some bottles on the way, then lounge in the chairs underneath the heat.

“Are they here yet?” I ask, peering from my spot around to spot Nate and Steph.

“I’m not sure about you, but nine’s a li’l early for my cool girlfriend. Seriously, though, she’s coming around nine-fifteen, she said.”

I nudge her arm. “
Okay, that’s fine. I approve.”

Scout glares at me as she tips the bottle up and takes a
gulp, never losing connection. “What about your boyfriend?”

“Let’s see,” I say.

I take out my phone.

Kalli:
hey um, just wondering when u r coming tonight.

Nate:
I fkd up. Talk and kiss later.

Kalli:
Soon later or later, later…?

Nate:
soon. miss u lots. xx

As I’m about to reply, Scout says, “
So
?”

“Soon,
apparently.”

I hold up my bottle. Scout holds hers. And we cheer.

Two bottles later, Steph arrives to Scout picking her up and bear hugging her off the ground. They kiss and shit, and I’m jealous I can’t do a couple-off for cuteness with Nate, but I suppose with the shoot he’s still busy? Or he finished late and is now getting ready? I know which one I’m hoping for.

Crap.

I look at my mobile and stare at the locked screen. No wonder he was touchy this morning, lovey now. Today is the anniversary of his mum’s death. Crap, I feel stupid and self-centred. I put my mobile away, and take a self-vow to use it for anything but bugging him about when he’s coming. In fact, as much as I miss him and want to make up, I’d rather him home with his sister and dad.

During our third drink, it’s almost
nine-thirty, and there’s plenty more here although it’s obviously dead compared to what it will be later. I leave Scout and Steph to hang and say hi to some other people around. The mix tonight isn’t the top 10 in R&B, techno, house and electro, but rather a mix of the nineties and the noughties. It’s such a welcome change from the usual music.

It’s by 9
.50 pm that I begin getting antsy. I grab my fourth drink, which is a mistake this early. My body shape is not far off willowy, and though I have a fast metabolism, I’d rather be composed tonight. Deciding to slow up, I hang with some of Nate’s friends who are here, then have a chat to the DJ, one of the guys in my old classes, and finally end up with Scout and Steph by 10.20.

Just because I’d rather Nate spend time at home doesn’t mean I’m not holding onto the hope
that what he said in his message about coming still is true.

“Kalli
girl,” Scout says.

Steph
is on her lap, Scout’s fingers tangled in a ball between Scout’s legs. I take Steph’s spare seat.

“He’s not here,” I say.
“You haven’t seen him arrive?”

Scout frowns. “He hasn’t texted me either. Oh um
…” she trails off and the look she gives me says she’s just remembered what day it is for Nate, too.

Scout and
Steph are great at letting me be a third wheel. We go nuts on the dance floor, and I bust some nutcracker and shopping trolley moves much to their delight. Scout falls so hard she topples, which is fortunate, because if Steph had fallen in that mini this party would have gotten complete exposure from that already-too-much outfit.

I end up breaking my rule and finishing that bottle
, and move onto anything double strength. I try to count but lose track, and at one point I’m head down, humming to myself and complimenting myself on how beautiful my boots are when some jerk bumps into me and gets my drink all over both of us.

It’s then
that I give up. My phone reads 10.50 pm and I’m pleased Nate is spending the night honouring his mum properly. Then, I get an idea.

I find a mic and say
“So, guy
sss
.” I notice the slur in my voice as I step up onto the makeshift platform at the end of the dance floor. The thing is luckily six to seven feet wide and fifteen feet long, so I’m betting on not falling off.

Before I restart, I take a breath and focus on uttering my words slowly. “I know you guys
didn’t come here tonight with a theme in mind, but I have something important to say. My best friend, Scout, is a wonderful girl who puts up with my bitchy and crazy behaviour at best—”

“Gimme some more, Kalli!” some guy’s voice hollers from inside the mass of crowd gawking at me.

“I only go upwards of four inches, buddy.”

The crowd screams for me and barracks me o
n.

“Okay, okay. So I want to do something. Everyone who’s gay, everyone who has a partner of the same sex I want you up on this stage.”

Steph kisses Scout on the cheek and leads her up, hands linked, beside me. One person gets up and another couple joins, too.

“Come
on
. Forty years from now when you’re retired, and travel, and parties, and even bending to wipe your ass is getting hard, are you going to be proud you pretended to be straight?”

I know there’s at least one other lesbian here. She’d confided in me and some others a while back, and if she’s hiding, I bet there are more.

Someone claps and the rest follow. The number on stage triples.

I take in these people watching me, us. Some are sober, others drunk, many screaming YOLO, which I
wanted to call out first, because we are young, and we do only live once, so why be miserable and be someone you’re not?

I sling my arm around Scout and say, “Let’s fucking rock tonight in the name of these friends who will always be accepted with us, whether they love someone as we do, whether they’re blind, whether they’re para
plegic, or shy, or different. Or
gay
. If you’re willing to rock out tonight, I want to hear you holler for my best friend Scout and all these awesome people!”

Wow, I did not expect this. Girls scream the roof off and wave their hands in the air, a couple of other
s wolf-whistle over the crowd, and some guys with deep voices start a rumbling cheer, which fires off the DJ back into the music. Bodies are flying and turning and jumping everywhere. The three of us try to get down the steps that are mere feet away, but this now seems impossible without stacking it. Traffic is everywhere, one girl even flying face-first just in front of my feet.

“Here,” a voice says, an extended hand at my offer.

I take it immediately and find the step down, realising the hand is too cold and the skin too rough to be Nate’s, despite my little hope.

“Oh, hey, Donovan.”

I look away, wondering if I could die from awkwardness. I bet now is the moment Nate will walk in, just like the cliché.

“Hey, Kallisto.”

I’m too drunk to care that I hate that name because he gets me, Scout and Steph out of the crowd people who have gone fucking mental. Donovan has the muscle power us girls don’t.

When we get a bit of space, Donovan leans into my ear and shouts over the music
and chatter, “I want to apologise for being a dick to you. I’m saying sorry because I did hear about you and Nate but I was dicking around—went too far.”

“No worries.”

“Hey, Kalli.” Scout yanks on my arm and pulls me close to her. “You okay there?”

See
ing Steph watch and ogle at Scout from behind where she thinks no one has noticed, I feel too happy for them both to keep holding them up. Most of tonight I’ve been with them, and my celebration for Scout and her girlfriend will be pointless if I keep them apart.

“Yeah, I’
m just a bit sore to dance. I’ll join you in a sec.”

They slink into the crowd as I turn to Donovan
and say, “Really, it’s fine.”

I
head outside, over to the retaining wall a few groups chill at, chatting, drinking, and stuff. There’s a huge gap between two groups and I head toward it, glad to have time to myself. I’m wondering why I’m still partying. Beside the moment on stage for Scout, Steph and the others, I haven’t felt “it”, being the usual heart-pumping excitement, and the thrill at the thought of getting plastered and making out all night, and more. It could be because Nate isn’t here, but I still want to get away, and if he were free, I’d want to be curling up with him in bed. Doing something or nothing, yet doing everything I want with him.

I sit there for a few seconds before I get up. I
don’t have to be here at all. What I want to do is grab a chai latte from McDonald’s, since it’s the only thing open at this time, and go to the nearest twenty-four hour Kmart where I can print a photo of Nate and I that I’ve been wanting, sign it with words and hearts and leave it at his door for him to receive, a little gift to let him know I’m thinking of him.

Which I can do.
Now.

I get up, say goodbye to Steph and Scout and tell th
em that one of our other friends is out front waiting to pick me up. Scout would want to walk me out otherwise, and I don’t want to drag her away from Steph. Plus, there’s more than enough lighting from the path up to the nearest main road to see, and I can easily cab it from there.

• • •

Outside, Scout follows me anyway, not allowing me to walk alone. The thumping and party sounds are contained, and the relief floods me as it always does after a party. I’m still drunk as I usually am, wobbling down the inclined path, or on the line between the concrete, but Scout and I steady each other. Inside was toxic and I’m glad I left.

We
keep our heads down until the path levels, and then start walking faster when the main road is just around the corner, flooded with cabbies waiting to rip off people like myself.

Scout’s phone goes off and she holds up her finger to stop me, and we wait on the side of the path as she answers.

“Yeah? … Now? … Why?” Scout looks at me funny, but doesn’t provide more information. “Ah, sure. Be there now.”

Scout turns and says, “Y
ou don’t mind if I take off back inside? Steph needs me.”

I
t’s completely dark being so late, but the street lamps are frequent, barely leaving a black spot on the road and the nature strip. It’s just on the other side of the path it starts to get black. I know couples sometimes hide to kiss, make out or have sex there. I know I have before; and I’m excited that I never will again.

“No, all good. Go.”

Scout winks. “Okay, have fun.”

Fun? I say bye anyway and we part, me wondering how the hell she knows my plans since I didn’t give details, unless she’s done some scheming of her own.

Minutes later, I hear footsteps behind me before I hear, Donovan’s voice, “Hey, Kalli! Wait up.”

I wait on the path for him, Donovan jogging up to meet me.
I try to look for Scout, but she’s long gone. I don’t even get why she’d want me and Donovan to make up.

“
‘Ey. I actually was going to pop out to grab some ciggies. You don’t know if there’s a store open nearby, do you?”

It’s only a moment, and Donovan doesn’t notice it while he
speaks to me, but I wonder why the hell him, now, here. I’m sure he knows that one of the biggest chain stores is just around the corner. I bet he knows it’s in the opposite direction to where I’m headed. And I wouldn’t be walking to the main street unless I wanted to leave. If he’s trying to get me to stay, it’s not happening.

Any other day
I’d help him, but at this time, here, I need to get away. “Nah, sorry.”

“Okay.” H
e steps away, but quickly cries, “Shit!” Donovan hops on one foot and I grab his hand so he doesn’t topple over. “Just a minute.”

“What’s up?”