Being Magdalene (7 page)

She put her arm around my shoulders in a brief hug. It was against the Rule to show affection. The tension left my body — she did still love me, and loved me enough to break the Rule. She said, ‘Shall I change the bandages for you, darling?’

I was happy to let her. Mother was brisk when she did it — I knew she felt I was selfish to injure myself on purpose, and was cross because I couldn’t help her. I still couldn’t remember doing it.

‘They are healing well,’ Rachel said. ‘I have prayed for you, my sister. You are not easy in your heart, are you?’

I shook my head. She wouldn’t let herself tell me anything that might make my heart stop hurting.

‘The Rule is good, Magdalene darling, it keeps us —’

I cut her off. ‘Please, Rachel. Don’t say it. I know it all.’
And I can’t believe it. I just can’t
.

She fastened the bandage, her head bent to hide her face. At last she looked at me. ‘Do not endanger your immortal soul, my sister. I pray to the Lord you will guard it with everything you have.’

‘Do you believe Rebecca’s immortal soul is damned?’ I shouldn’t have asked her, but I had to know. ‘Do you believe it in your heart?’

She winced away from me as if I’d slapped her.

‘I’m … I am sorry to cause you pain, Rachel. I will pray for forgiveness.’

But do you believe the Elders when they say she is damned and doomed?

She would tell Father. It would be the discipline room for me when he heard.

Rachel started talking, but so quietly I had to strive to hear. ‘I truly do not know what to believe. I want her soul to be safe. I pray that it is. Every day, I pray for her and for … the others.’ She lifted her head to look at me. ‘I am so sorry, Magdalene. I know you are troubled, but …’ Her voice trailed away and there were tears in her eyes.

‘Thank you for talking to me,’ I said.

She stroked her hand across my head again, and this time I found the gesture comforting.

WHILE WE WAITED FOR
Abraham to pick us up from school on Friday, I asked Luke, ‘Has he said anything to you? Has he told you what’s in his mind?’

Luke shrugged. ‘Not a word. When I tried to talk to him, he just went off about the Elders, especially Elder Stephen. Some days I think,
Yes, he’s definitely leaving
. Then the next day he’ll be happy again. He loves his work. That’s the only thing keeping him here, I’m sure of it.’

‘Will Elder Stephen do what he did to Malachi?’ I shouldn’t have said that in front of Zillah — it was only one more thing for her to worry about — but it was too late now, so I went on. ‘Malachi loved his work too. Rebecca would be married to him and still here if Elder Stephen hadn’t stopped him working in the gardens.’

Sure enough, Zillah flicked her eyes between us. ‘What do you mean? Who is Malachi? I thought Elder Stephen wanted to marry her.
Tell
me!’

Luke gave me a look, but she knew so much of our
story now, she might as well know the rest — especially if Elder Stephen
reassigned
Abraham like he’d done to Malachi. I said, ‘Malachi was betrothed to Rebecca, but he left the Faith because Elder Stephen said he had to be a plumber instead of a gardener.’

Zillah gasped. ‘Will he do that?’

Luke shook his head. ‘Abraham thinks Elder Stephen is too cunning to do that. He thinks the Elders are trying to get rid of him without being obvious about it. Everyone would know why he left if they said he couldn’t work with machinery. It’s too much the same as what they did to Malachi. People might start to ask questions.’

‘No, they won’t,’ Zillah said. ‘Nobody except us asks questions.’

She sounded definite. ‘How do you know?’ I asked. ‘They wouldn’t talk about it where anybody else could hear them.’

‘Sharon doesn’t think the Rule is dumb. She’s always telling me off — she says,
Think of your immortal soul, Zillah Pilgrim
.’ It was a perfect imitation of Sharon’s way of speaking. ‘Eunice and Joy — they like the stupid Rule.’ She kicked the gravel, sending a stone bouncing off into the grass. ‘Sharon doesn’t kick stones. Joy and Eunice don’t either.’ She kicked another one.

Abraham pulled up in the car. One look at him and we could see his mood was dark. He even made the engine sound angry. Luke said, ‘Chill, brother. What have the twelve old men done today?’

Our brother slowed down, but sighed from the
depths of his endangered soul. ‘Nothing! That’s the trouble. Father asked them to give me permission to do an electronics course. No prizes for guessing what they said.’

Father
actually asked the Elders to break the Rule about worldly education?

‘Go, Father!’ Luke said. ‘You’ve got to admit it, Abraham. That’s a huge thing for him to do.’

‘Yeah. I know. He prayed about it for ages.’Abraham sighed again. ‘He’s a good man, I know that. But I wish he wasn’t so fixed on that bloody Rule. It’s all stuff the Elders make up, so why can’t he admit it?’

My stomach hurt. Abraham would leave. Neriah’s family had gone. Our own father had asked the Elders to break the Rule.

‘Elder Stephen says the Lord speaks to him. How do you know he makes stuff up?’ Zillah’s eyes were huge.

Abraham shrugged. ‘We can’t prove it. But nobody ever asks if he can prove the Lord does speak to him.’

‘Then why do you stay? You could easily get another job.’ I couldn’t believe I was saying these things out loud, but I wanted to know, to understand — to prepare for the shock of him leaving. ‘You could go to university like Daniel did.’

He would leave us. We’d lose a second brother. Nothing in my life felt certain any longer.

Zillah said, ‘Is it your immortal soul, Abraham? If you go away, will you worry about your immortal soul?’

We went round two corners without getting an answer, and we had reached the bottom of our street before he said, ‘No, brat face. You lot are the only reason
I’m still here. Don’t get excited. If those bloody Elders do one more idiot thing, then I’m off.’ He held up a hand to stop our protests. ‘I won’t disappear without telling you. How many times do I have to say it?’

We had to be content with that.

Sunday came. My hands were healed enough for me to help Mother make potato salads to take to worship for lunch. She lectured me non-stop on the sin of making myself ill.

Abraham drove us to the temple, perhaps for the last time. I wanted to pray for him, but I didn’t know what to say until I remembered Luke’s prayer to the nice Lord.
Lord, we pray for our brother Abraham to be able to use the talents You have given him. We pray for his life to be filled with your love and grace
.

It was easy to pray to Luke’s Lord.

As we walked into the temple, Zillah whispered, ‘Salvation.’

I gave a choke of laughter. I was glad she wanted to play our game. I was glad she wasn’t terrified Elder Stephen would have some new way of punishing our family. ‘Do you think he’ll say it more than five times?’

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘because Abraham wants worldly education.’

She was smart, my little sister. If she could have worldly education, she would go to university just like Daniel had, I felt sure.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t notice
Elder Stephen was talking until Zillah squeezed my hand, and then again. Two
salvations
in his first sentence.

He was preaching about disaster. I tried to listen only for
salvation
. Our leader’s disaster sermons always frightened me, but today my attention was caught, for he was talking about Auckland, where Abraham wanted to study. What disaster had befallen the city?

‘The Lord in his wrath has brought affliction upon a sinful people. My children, be warned! Flood, earthquakes, famine — all are manifestations of the Lord’s wrath.’

I felt ill. How many people had perished?

None.

‘The Lord in his mercy has sent the city a warning. The floods have destroyed property, not people. But be warned, my children, the wrath of the Lord is fearsome. Keep your feet on the path to salvation lest you too suffer the affliction brought upon you by the wrath of the Lord. Obedience will save you. Only obedience to the Rule will lead you to salvation.’

Usually our game made the long hour bearable. Today, it had lost its power.

As was the custom, there were announcements once the sermon was over. Sometimes Elder Asa would read them but today Elder Stephen did it. ‘Your Elders have been praying about the matter of worldly education.’

From the corner of my eye I saw Abraham jerk upright in his seat.

‘We have prayed to the Lord, and it has come to us that certain skills are required for the Children of the
Faith to conduct their businesses efficiently among worldly people.’ He paused, letting the people absorb the impact of his words. Some of the men sitting in front of us glanced at one another.

Abraham was sitting forward, one clenched fist on the back of the seat in front of him. He looked as if he was waiting for something.

He was right. There was more to come. Elder Stephen stared out at us with his sorrowful eyes. ‘My people, the Lord has spoken to me. It is His will that any man may undertake an appropriate course of study if its sole purpose is to enhance his business.’

Abraham still didn’t relax. What was he waiting for? Why wasn’t he jumping out of his seat with excitement?

‘My people, your Elders are very mindful that with our bountiful families there is need for us to take advantage of specific aspects of worldly education.’ He closed his eyes for a moment, held the pulpit, and rocked back and forth on his feet.

I thought he wanted us to imagine the Lord was speaking to him as we watched. I heard my brother hiss, ‘Just get on with it, will you!’

Mother gave him a sharp look. He didn’t notice.

Elder Stephen opened his eyes. ‘The Lord has directed me to inform you that the soul of any man who undertakes such education with a pure heart will not be in danger. Your Elders have prayed and it has come to us that any married man may undertake worldly study to help his business.’

Abraham slumped back in his seat. His lips formed
words. I was sure they were
You old devil
.

As we walked to the dining room for lunch, Zillah asked, ‘He’ll leave now, won’t he? He’ll be so angry and he’ll leave today.’

All I could say was, ‘He’ll tell us. He won’t just vanish without telling us.’

Such small comfort.

ABRAHAM DIDN’T SEEM ANGRY;
he looked determined, and I thought he’d made up his mind. He beckoned me over.

‘Do you want me to get you a cup of tea, Abraham?’ I wanted him to say yes, I wanted to push away the moment he’d tell me he was disappearing from my life.

‘No, sis. Listen, I want you to give a message to somebody.’ He grinned at me. ‘You know — one of those special messages.’

It took a moment for me to understand what he was asking. ‘You want me to talk to a girl? One of those messages?’

‘You got it, kid.’ His eyes gleamed and he laughed softly. ‘It’s the answer, the perfect answer.’

‘Yes, but who? Who is there to marry?’If he wanted me to give a message to Jewel, I wouldn’t do it, not even for him. He didn’t have permission to court her.

‘Talitha, of course. Tell her I send her my good wishes. My very good wishes.’

I gaped at him. ‘But …’

‘Just do it, kid! I know she’s older than me. Who cares? She’s got more sense than those school kids I’m not allowed to marry.’ He gave me a slight shove.

‘Wait! I need to think.’ I held up my hand to shush him. ‘You can’t marry her without telling her how —’ I glanced around, knowing I must speak with care — ‘without letting her know how much you value the Rule. And what will you do? Marry her and leave her behind while you go to Auckland to study — for a whole year? Abraham, you need to think about this.’

He shook his head. ‘No, I don’t. I was going to leave the Faith tonight. Don’t stress, I’d have told you guys first. But this is a chance. My only chance.’ He stopped for a moment. ‘But okay, you’ve got a point. Or two. Yes, you’d better tell her how much I value the Rule.’ At least he didn’t call it the stupid Rule this time. He grinned. ‘And tell her she can come to Auckland with me. If she wants to. Go on, or I’ll rock up and ask her myself.’

That would create such a scandal, and probably give the Elders good reason to throw Abraham out this very day. I set out to find Talitha.

It was easy enough to get her by herself because she always moved from group to group. For the first time, I realised she must be lonely — she was older than Rachel, so around twenty-one, maybe even twenty-two. All the girls she’d grown up with were married with children, and she had no friends who were unmarried like she was.

‘Talitha, can I speak to you?’ I caught her as she
left Sister Leah and Sister Grace moaning about the wickedness of the children of today.

She smiled at me. ‘Of course, Magdalene. It is good to see you well again. Shall we go where it is a little quieter?’

I followed her out to the entry hall. ‘Talitha, I have a message for you. From Abraham. My brother. He says to tell you he sends you his good wishes. His very good wishes.’

There! I’d said it.

She didn’t seem to quite believe what she was hearing. She tipped her head to the side as she asked, ‘Tell me, am I right that he’s saying he wishes to marry me?’

I would tell her the truth — even though she looked so gentle and obedient, she’d had the courage to refuse to marry a man the Elders chose for her when she was younger. She wouldn’t be shocked by my brother’s ideas the way any of the kitchen girls would be. ‘He wants a wife so he can go to Auckland to study electronics. He said you could go too. If you wanted to. But there’s more.’ I checked again to make sure there were no listening ears. ‘Talitha, he doesn’t believe in the Rule and he doesn’t obey it.’ I dropped my eyes from her steady gaze. I knew I could trust her. ‘I’m sorry. But you need to know.’

She touched my arm. ‘Don’t be upset, Magdalene. I’m glad you’ve told me. Can you wait for a minute? I want to think how to answer him.’

‘Of course.’ I wondered what her thoughts were. How to reject my brother graciously, perhaps? Would
she tell him she was flattered, but refuse him anyway? Abraham was so much younger than she was.

After only about half a minute, she said, ‘Please tell your brother how flattered I am to receive his message.’

I nodded. It was as I’d imagined. A refusal — and he would leave tonight. My eyes stung.

Talitha touched my face this time. ‘Don’t look sad, Magdalene. But tell me — he’s going to leave if I say no, isn’t he?’

Again, all I could manage was a nod.

‘Yes, I’ve seen it coming. But I need time to consider, to think about it properly.’ She took my hands. ‘I’m not saying yes or no right now. Tell him I’ll give him my answer next Sunday if he can wait that long. Come, we’d better go back.’

Abraham was watching for me. I pushed through the people to get to him. ‘She’ll tell you next Sunday. If you can wait that long.’

He rubbed his hands. ‘I’ll wait, but I’m going to apply for that course. I’m going to do it, married or not.’

It was a long week and bearable only because it was the final one of the term. Zillah didn’t complain in the mornings, but each day she trudged down the hill to wait for the bus.

Sunday came. Abraham drove us to the temple carefully, as if this might be the last time he got to do it. Then we had to endure the dancing and singing
before I got the chance to speak to Talitha while taking cups back to the servery during the morning tea break.

‘I wish you well, Talitha.’

‘And I you.’ She gave me the kindest smile. ‘Tell your brother I am happy to receive his good wishes.’

The cups in my hands wobbled on their saucers and one of them crashed to the floor. Talitha said, ‘Do not worry. Wait here. I will get a brush and pan.’ I noticed how she spoke seemly, and looked up to see Sister Judith frowning at me.

‘You Pilgrim children are always drawing attention to yourselves. It is most unseemly, and it is against the Rule.’ Her mouth snapped shut.

‘I will pray for forgiveness, Sister Judith.’

Talitha came back. ‘Excuse me, Sister Judith. Could you move a little? There are pieces around your feet. You know, we really do need trays. It is difficult for young hands to carry more than one cup and saucer.’

‘Rubbish. They simply need to take more care.’ Sister Judith huffed away.

‘Thank you,’ I said.

Talitha said, ‘Don’t let her upset you. She’s always grumpy.’

I felt shy suddenly. ‘Talitha, does your reply mean … will Abraham know if you …’

She smiled. ‘He will know. It’s all right, Magdalene. What you told me about him — that’s the reason I’m happy to receive his good wishes.’

Her response took my breath away. It was such a huge step to live in Auckland with Abraham, who
didn’t believe in the Rule. Was she happy to marry him because of that? Or did she want the chance to go to Auckland for a year? I couldn’t ask.

She took the unbroken crockery from me and gave me a gentle push. ‘He will be wanting to hear from you.’

I walked in a daze to Abraham.

‘Well?’ my brother demanded.

‘She’s happy to receive your good wishes.’

He gave me a narrow look. ‘You sure? You don’t sound certain.’

‘Yes. She was very clear. I’m certain.’

‘Didn’t you tell her about … you know?’

There were too many people around. ‘Yes, of course I did. Tell you later.’

After we’d got home from worship, Abraham told Father he was going for a long walk.

‘My son, I beg you, think of your immortal soul. Do not stray from the path to salvation.’ His voice was so earnest, so troubled.

Abraham actually grinned at him. ‘It’s okay, Father. I’ll take the brats with me.’

It looked to me as if Father was struggling between the urge to tell him to speak seemly and relief that Abraham didn’t appear to be leaving us. In the end, all he said was, ‘very well. You have my permission.’

Abraham picked up the car keys. ‘We’ll be home in time for dinner.’ He turned to Mother. ‘Don’t worry.
I won’t take them near a beach.’

She didn’t look pleased to be left to prepare the meal by herself, but Father had given his permission — she would not break the Rule by arguing with him.

Zillah waited until we were in the car before she asked, ‘Where are we going, Abraham?’

‘To find a playground.’ He sounded happy — carefree.

‘But, Abraham, shouldn’t you tell Father? About getting married? He has to agree, doesn’t he? He might say no because Talitha’s older than you.’

Zillah bounced in her seat. ‘Are you going to marry Talitha, Abraham? Will she go to Auckland with you? Can I come too? Talitha’s nice — she wouldn’t mind. I could go to a real school. Please!’

‘Father would never let you do that, and if you ask him he’ll send you to the discipline room.’ He glanced at her in the rear-vision mirror. ‘Sorry, kid, but best you know the truth.’

She kicked the back of the seat. ‘It’s not
fair
! You’re so lucky, Abraham.’

‘But what if Father says you can’t marry her?’ I asked.

Luke turned around to speak to me. ‘Don’t worry, Magdalene. Talitha’s a good and seemly girl. If Abraham marries her, his soul will be safe. There’s no way Father will refuse.’Then he spoilt it by saying, ‘Talitha’s father might, though.’

Abraham shook his head. ‘It’s more likely to be the Elders. They’ll be on their knees praying like crazy to find a way to stop me marrying her.’ He didn’t sound worried and I knew it was because he was settled in
his mind about what to do — he’d stay in the Faith if they let him study in Auckland and he’d leave if they refused.

Zillah said, ‘Shall we pray that you can marry her, Abraham?’

‘No,’ our brother said. ‘It’ll happen or it won’t. Magdalene, tell me exactly what Talitha said.’

He gave a shout of laughter when I repeated her words. ‘She said she was happy to receive your good wishes because you don’t value the Rule and because you’ll let her go to Auckland with you.’

He was still laughing when he stopped the car at a playground.

I wondered again which reason was more important to her.