Bella (A Sagatori Family Saga a Mafia Romance Book 3) (4 page)

“I didn’t like seeing you… in his arms.” I didn’t speak. “I didn’t like seeing another man holding you.” His hands reached my neck and hip. I felt the indentation of his fingertips press into my flesh. “I didn’t like seeing another man bring joy to your face.” He kissed the nape of my neck.

“Honestly, Jax, why do you care?”

He turned me violently. “You’re my wife, Bella, you belong to me.” He loomed over me, all power. I wanted to give into the tingle that swept my flesh. I wanted to give into the insurmountable desire I had for Jax, but I had to know what he wanted from me, what he expected.

“What do you want from me? Why are you doing this? Why not just let me go, let me be happy to find a man that could love me?”

His lips twitched at the corners, and anger leered in his eyes. “Is that what you want? For me to let you go?”

What
did
I want? I wanted love. I’d wanted a man to touch me and whisper secrets into my ear. I’d wanted a family one day—a normal life— and with Jax I wouldn’t have that. “Yes.”

His lips crashed upon mine. He didn’t ask for permission, he simply took what he’d wanted. His hands slid across the naked flesh of my neck. “I will
never
let you go, Bella. You belong to me.” My body pressed against the car He was about to take me, and there was nothing more at that very moment that I wanted because I did want Jax. I wanted him to choose me, to love me. But I knew that sex was all that would happen. He’d take my body and then leave. And I’d be left alone again, and I couldn’t do it this time. So I’d tell him how I felt and then watch as he’d surely leave me behind. I drew in a deep breath as his tongue swept my erect nipple through the thin silk of my dress.

I wanted desperately to give into Jax, but I had to stop him. My hands found his shoulders and pushed him away. His eyes quickly found mine. “I need love, Jax. I need a man that can love me, that can admit he has feelings for me, and you’ve never done that. I deserve more.”

He leaned away willingly, surprising me as he did. “You want me to love you?” He seemed caught off guard.

“I- I want you to be open to it. I want you to treat me as an equal, Jax.”

He stood holding my wrists pinching my skin. “You
want
me to love you?” he growled

“I want to be good enough for you to love,” I spit.

“You want me to love you because you don’t feel good enough?” He leaned forward pressing into my breasts. “That’s not why, is it?”

“Of course, it is, why would I say it if it wasn’t true?”

“Why do you want me to love you? Bella, I can give you anything, but I can’t give you what you’re asking.”

“Because I’m not good enough? You probably have someone else out there that you’d prefer to be with. I’m sure that’s where you are when you disappear for days leaving me alone.”

His eyes darkened, narrowed,
1
and focused on me in a way they never had before. “Bella, I leave because I can’t stay away from you. I want to touch you and kiss you. I can’t be in the same room with you without becoming exactly what I’d swore I’d never become again.” I couldn’t speak. A tear slipped down my cheek, and my body stilled. His eyes darkened. “I’m sorry, Bella.”

“If you chose not to love then why apologize?”

“Because it hurts you and I don’t wish to hurt you, Bella.”

“Then tell me why you’re unable to give me love. I deserve to know, don’t I?”

Jax leaned against the Maserati. I could see the hesitation in his posture. His face watched me, his lips pressed together.

“Your wife, she’s the reason.” Realization took hold. He was married before. I hadn’t even asked how she’d died; how insensitive of me. I’d literally never asked a thing about her. “How did she die, Jax?” Asking Jax questions was a difficult task, but I was sure this would be the hardest question of them all.

“Car accident.” His hand tapped the car he leaned against. He surprised me with the velocity of his response.

“Wow, I’m so sorry.” My body stood two feet in front of him. I watched him still.

“Don’t be. I would’ve killed her if the accident hadn’t. Truly, I’m grateful.”

“Are you kidding?” I couldn’t believe the admittance he’d made.

His chin lifted pulling his eyes to mine. “No, she betrayed me, Bella.” Jax was sharing real issues with me, and I barely had to ask. I knew that I had to be there for him in that moment.

“What did she do that was so horrible you’d wish her dead?”

“Ah, I’ve said too much.” Jax had let his guard down with me for a moment. He trusted me for that second with that information. He’d turned away from me facing the sunset. My foot moved into his direction scraping against the ground. My hand reached for his shoulder landing with ease.

“I’m sorry that she betrayed you. I was just surprised. I thought maybe you were still in love with her, maybe that’s why you couldn’t love me.” My words were soft and understanding.

His head focused forward. “When I found you on that road, I saw an innocence I’d never seen before.” His head fell and then his body turned to face me reaching for my cheek. “You scare me, Bella. Everything that you are is what I want. I want to love you and if I could let myself risk it, it would be with you.”

“But?”

“But the famiglia comes first, Bella, it always will.”

“You’re lying to yourself. You have no feelings for me?”

“That’s exactly why I can’t love you. Because I do have feelings for you. Because if you betray me I’d want to kill you,
1
too. And I can’t let myself go there, not with you.”

My hand, held down at my stomach, raised reaching for his chest. He watched me. “How did she betray you? What could she have done that was so horrible?” No response came. “There are only a few things that I can see being that horrible. Either she ratted you out or… she cheated.” My fingers traced to his full lips. “Why would she do either?”

“Wouldn’t you if given the chance? If I didn’t lock you up, wouldn’t you cheat on me?” She cheated on him. The hurt behind his strong facade made Jax human. He was always alpha, making it easily forgotten he was also a man with feelings. His feelings were real, and I hadn’t considered that he was broken. “If I let you go you’d run, fall in love with a good man, and leave this marriage.” My head shook before he finished his sentence. “Don’t lie to me, Bella. I told you before, I can offer you everything except love, but that’s all you truly want. The material bullshit means nothing to you. I know that. You want to be cherished and adored.” I nodded. “Kissed…” his lips crashed onto mine for a long deep kiss, “touched…” his hand slipped under my dress and pressed against my pantiles flesh.

“When I’m with you I feel human,
1
Bella.”

“Then why not accept that it’s okay to love?”

“Love. A questionable desire that leaves us wanting more of something that cannot be taken and damn it if I know how to earn it. I don’t know how to love you now and one day kill you for the inevitable.”

“I’m not her, Jax, I’m not a woman that sleeps with random men.”

“She didn’t, Bella, she slept with Salvatore Casconi, she fell in love with him.”

“Sam?” I gasped. “Did Papa know?”

He shook his head. “No, only you.” His hands covered mine. “I couldn’t admit it to anyone.”

“Did he know that you… knew?”

He shook his head. “Not until the day I put a bullet in his head.”

“I’m so sorry. I had no clue. But… is this why you wanted to marry me? To seek revenge?”

“At first, once I knew he could have you too. I felt compelled to save you from him and his wasteland. Give you something more.”

I watched him, wanting his lips on mine. “I’m not her, Jax.” His head turned from mine. “Look at me.” My hand raised to his cheek. His jaw flexed under my touch. “I had no idea that I could… feel this way for… you, but I do. When you’re not at home I find myself wishing you were, and when you’re not holding me I wish you were. I didn’t expect that I’d feel that way but it’s happened.”

Sharpness in the darkness of his eyes held me. “You’re not listening,
1
Bella. If I give in to my feelings for you, that puts you at risk. I couldn’t bare for you to be the one that crosses that line with me.” Was he saying that he did love me? Was Jax just hiding his feelings because he couldn’t come to terms with them?

“I think you found an excuse not to feel. I think that you’re scared, Jax.”

“Scared of loving you? You think Jax Moretti the boss of this family is scared of you?” Anger struck between our bodies like electricity. “Why are you so convinced that we should love each other.”

“You said before that you didn’t know how to earn it, but you already have it. I love you, Jax. I think I have since the night you saved me.”

“Your wrong.” He shook his head. “I’m a monster. I’m not good, remember? I kill people. Why would you choose to love someone like me?”

“We don’t choose who we love,
1
it just happens. I fought it, I tried to hate you but…” I raised my head. “I couldn’t hate what I loved.” He wasn’t hearing me. “I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. I’ll never walk away, I’ll never let another man touch what you’ve taken from me because it’s no longer mine to give away, Jax.”

Both his large hands lifted to my face holding me tightly. “You’re willing to completely give yourself to me?”

“I already have.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, what?” I smiled

“Okay, marry me for real.”

“Seriously? A wedding cake and flowers?”

“I said this before, Bella. I have feelings for you that even I’ll never understand, but if you want to risk everything for me I need to risk things, too.” He wanted to marry me for real? Was he talking about loving me? “Plan a wedding, whatever you want and it’s yours.”

“Seriously?” His hands held at my hips.

“Maybe I’ve been going about this the wrong way.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah—” he shrugged. “—maybe giving this a chance is doable.” His lips lightly brushed mine. “Let’s go home.”

We would have a wedding and make this real. Would this work or fall apart?

“Are you ready, Isabella?” Alessandra held my hands.

My eyes locked on hers. I didn’t know if I wanted this for real. He would claim me again, but would I be able to do the same? Would I be allowed to sleep in his bed and have a real marriage? After he’d suggested we marry for real I had hopes things would change, but doubt washed over me every single day. I shrugged into the beautiful white silk gown. “I don’t know, Alessandra. I’m so confused.” I hated to admit that, but I knew that I could trust her. She was the only person that felt like a mother to me, and I treasured her. “I would like to ask you something.”

“Of course.” She adjusted the strap of my dress.

“Would you consider giving me away?”

A tear flowed from her gray eye. She didn’t seem to be crying, but the tear was a giveaway.

“I’d be honored.” A smile lifted her cheeks.

“I imagine if my mother was here, she’d be like you.” I leaned forward hugging her. “Thank you for everything that you do for me. I cherish you.”

“As I cherish you, my dear child.” I squeezed her harder. “Ah, it’s time.”

We left the small room of the church and entered the corridor. Tony stood close by waiting for the right moment to open the chapel door.

The organ began playing the wedding marc,
1
and Tony was told to open the door. I stepped over the threshold and onto the white floor below my feet. Jax stood tall at the altar. The church was filled with strangers, most of them famiglia from out of town. They never missed a wedding.

Weddings were a big deal in the family. As I entered the church everyone stood for me. I gripped the rose bouquet in my hand for support and focused on Jax at the end of the aisle wondering if this was the right choice. Yes, we were already married, yes we lived a somewhat normal married life, but would love ever be a factor in our marriage?

The march stopped as I approached the altar. Jax stepped down taking my hand in his as he led me up the stairs. The priest stood ready to marry us only, this time, I felt confident there wouldn’t be another uninvited guest like there had been the last time. And even if there were, there were probably enough people carrying weapons in the church to take out a small town, and that gave me comfort.

The priest began the wedding and everyone sat. I was shaking, only I had no idea why. I suppose I thought of the other wedding as a joke. I knew that if I did go through with this, I’d never be able to walk away. I drew in a deep breath asking myself if I wanted to run or stay, and un til Jax spoke I wasn’t sure which I’d do. -

“Isabella, we were brought together by chance on the most of unexpected nights, but you…” he cleared his throat, “…you took my life in a direction I never thought would be possible for me again. Until I met you, I had only ever loved one woman. I will honor you for all the days of your life. Anything you want or need is yours.”

He’d said he loved me even if he hadn’t actually said,
I love you, Bella.
He was saying he loved me in his own way. And I knew right then and there I wasn’t going to run because I loved Jax, as well.