Bella Italia (11 page)

Hans and Petra both nodded. “So, what do you think about it?”

Kuipers made a dismissive hand gesture. “Obviously, I have my thoughts and suspicions about it, although I don’t ever like to voice them, because if I voiced all of my opinions, I would find myself skating on thin ice. I know that Niels is seeing a psychologist, and I hope she can do something with this information. Drawing conclusions is not part of my job description as a teacher and as principal of the school. I would like to hear from you how things are at home, so I can take that with me when I judge the situation as a whole.”

Petra began to explain that Niels had withdrawn at home, much more than he ever had before. That he played less with the neighborhood children and sometimes retreated and seemed irritated when they tried to get him to come and play outside. But they had not noticed any real aggression at home.

Kuipers nodded while they spoke. He recognized the pattern, and it coincided with what he saw Niels do at school. When Petra finished he surprised them with the question about how they were doing personally.

“Who, us?”

“Yes, you two must have had quite a scare yourselves. How have you handled that?”

Petra could feel Hans staring at her. She avoided his glance on purpose. “Good, considering the circumstances. Of course, we didn’t experience what Niels experienced, and we just think it’s horrible he had to go through it. We are doing everything in our power to get him back to his former self.”

“I understand that, and I can see how involved and concerned you both are when it comes to him. But what I mean to say is how are
you
handling your own feelings and thoughts? It’s very important not to forget yourselves, so you can continue to be there for Niels.”

“Of course,” Hans said. “We are aware of that. But Niels is most important. So you don’t have the impression that he is achieving less because of the daydreaming? I know how much he loves to go to school, and it would really upset him if he found out if that is also going badly.”

Hans had definitely managed to change the subject and take the magnifying glass off their personal problems, because he simply didn’t feel this was the time or place to start this conversation with Kuipers. He found the whole conversation strange. On the one hand, Kuipers said that they didn’t need to be worried, but, on the other, he did ask them to come by to discuss how strange Niels was acting. After Kuipers began to wind down the conversation with all of Niels’s achievements in class and describing how he was really a very good boy, Hans suddenly felt a real need for some fresh air. Once they had said their good-byes to him and walked outside, Hans took a very deep breath. Petra looked at him. It was clear to them that they should inform the psychologist as soon as possible.

When she and Hans returned home after meeting with Irene Gerritsen, Petra hugged her mother. “Thank you so much, Mom.”

Cora waved her away. “Don’t be silly, darling. We
like
to pitch in. You can always count on us.”

Hans shook his father-in-law’s hand. “I promise you that tomorrow evening you are off the hook, unless someone else needs you. But we won’t bother you again.”

Aad grinned. “If children and grandchildren were a burden to us, we would have a big problem. We do it because we love to do it. You can always call on us. Tomorrow, the day after, even later tonight. That’s what grandparents are for.”

“And we truly appreciate that.”

“Niels, please come down and say good-bye to your grandparents,” Petra called upstairs to Niels, who was playing a video game in his room. He came downstairs right away, gave his grandparents each a kiss on the cheek, and went back upstairs.

“You get to play for ten more minutes,” Petra yelled after him. “Then it’s time to brush your teeth and go to bed. Its nine thirty already, mister!”

After Petra’s parents left, Hans walked straight into the kitchen. “I’m having a beer. You want something stronger?”

As she walked to the living room, she mumbled something that sounded like a yes.

“White or red?”

“Better make it red tonight. Just leave the glass in the kitchen, because I still need to check on Niels first.”

Hans poured the glass of wine, put the glass on the kitchen counter, and took his beer into the living room.

Right at that moment, Niels came downstairs. Seemingly at ease, he sat down comfortably on the couch and looked at them both questioningly. “So? Did Irene say anything about me?”

Hans shrugged his shoulders casually. “Nothing for you to worry about, buddy. Besides, it’s late. You need your rest, and we’ll talk about it some more tomorrow. We just did a little catching up with her.” He made direct eye contact with Niels and hoped that would help take away any concern or unrest his son might be feeling. Niels appeared relaxed, but after the conversation with Wim Kuipers the night before and the one tonight with Irene Gerritsen, he wasn’t so sure how to read his son’s body language anymore. It felt like it was becoming more and more difficult to gauge his own son.

Resigned, Niels got up. “Okay then, good night.” He gave Hans a kiss and walked upstairs with Petra.

When Petra came back downstairs, she noticed Hans had turned the TV on. Even though their house was never very noisy, Niels would be able to hear that it was on. And that was exactly what they wanted. They wanted to give him the reassuring feeling that nothing in the house had changed.

After fifteen minutes, Petra snuck back upstairs and quickly returned. “He’s asleep,” she said, sounding slightly relieved as she took her first sip of red wine that evening.

“Thank God for that. I would hate to think that he would be just as worried about what Irene tells us as we are. The conversations with her and Wim Kuipers have left me with a bad feeling. Apparently, we didn’t notice that Niels was developing a defense mechanism, and because of that we’re somehow failing as parents. Of course, there is the excuse that we don’t see him all day, but still? I’m having a hard time with it.” He put his hand over his eyes and dropped his head down. “It’s driving me crazy. That we, of all people, with our best intentions, are the ones ruining it for him. The worst part is that I am not even entirely convinced we’re doing such a bad job. Why is it so ridiculous that we give our son his way more often than we use to? He has been through hell. Is it so horrible that we let him slide when it comes to his tasks around the house and whatever else? Are we such bad parents because we try to give him extra attention and love?” He let out a deep sigh and took another sip of beer. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“That’s okay, too,” Petra said, deliberately in a very neutral tone. She realized now that the conversations had affected him far deeper than she had thought at first. Many of his pent-up emotions suddenly seemed to be looking for a way out. She had become a little defensive herself when Wim Kuipers started to talk about their personal feelings. First Liesbeth and now him. She knew she needed to talk to Hans, so they could find out from each other exactly what they were feeling and what was on their minds, but first she wanted to discuss the conversation with Irene.

“I think you may be taking it a little too far,” she continued in the same tone. “It’s not like our way is bad, there isn’t one ‘right’ way to do things, but what Irene has done here, in a very subtle way, is to give us some very useful tips to help us make some improvements. And hear me clearly when I say
tips
. If we make a few small adjustments, we will be on the right track in no time at all.”

“That’s all well and good, but more and more I’m beginning to get the feeling that we are at a complete standstill. Even Irene, no matter how good she is at what she does and how good her intentions are. I still think it’s her job to find out what Niels is hiding, and so far, she hasn’t succeeded.”

“That isn’t her only job. She needs to make sure that he will recover mentally, that he finds a way to manage the trauma. That could take some time. If we move too fast, it could have terrible consequences for Niels.”

“Even more terrible than what he experiences now? His development seems to be a complete standstill. Since he started speaking with Irene, he hasn’t spoken a word about what this is really all about!”

“Oh, really?” Petra responded harshly. “Be glad that he is functioning normally. There are undoubtedly examples out there of children who have experienced huge setbacks after their trauma. What if he needed intensive therapy of daily medication? Have you thought about that?”

Hans froze in his seat. “You’re right, but I’m not really interested in other people at the moment. I’m only interested in us,” he mumbled after her words sank in.

“From what I understand from what Irene told me,” Petra said, “his insecurity stems from feeling unsafe. That insecurity is making him somewhat unstable. At the same time his self-control has developed strongly, which keeps him from crossing the line when he loses his temper. I don’t know how he does it. It has to feel like an emotional rollercoaster to him.”

“Depending on how far his self-control goes. If we can believe Wim’s stories.”

“Yes, and that is why I think that we shouldn’t try to change or control his emotions or energy, but instead allow him to find his own way to release it. Maybe in sports or something.”

Hans nodded. He hadn’t thought about it like that. After all, he worked with the human body every day and knew more than most people how important it was to find a balance between body and mind. “Maybe a fighter sport, like judo or karate? It could serve as an outlet for his frustrations, but also help him to gain more self-confidence, because he will learn to defend himself both mentally and physically. It could bring him more structure, and he can learn to control his fear.”

“Exactly.” Petra was relieved that they were back on the same page and that they had thought of something solid that they could do to help Niels. It was the end of November, and, with an eye on the upcoming holidays, she suggested letting him start attending a judo or karate school in January.

It was getting quite late, and even though they had each individually intended to talk about their own problems tonight, they were both exhausted. Besides, this decision had brought them some temporary relief, and now all they wanted to do was to snuggle up together and try to get a good night’s sleep.

Cora entered the room carrying two full plates in her hands. Because her mother had her back straight and walked in as if she never did anything else but serve full plates of food all day like a roadside waitress, Petra smiled at her with some sympathy. Cora tried so hard to make it cozy and fun for everyone. She was afraid for a moment when her mother lost her balance and almost bumped into a chair. Her attempts to make this Christmas perfect came across a little clumsy, but it didn’t matter. She meant well.

Normally, they celebrated Christmas Eve with Petra’s sister, Laura, and her husband and their children at their parents’ house. Hans’s parents were no longer alive and his brothers usually celebrated Christmas with their in-laws. Because Hans and his brothers didn’t want to lose touch, they all usually got together on Boxing Day for a cup of coffee and then went for a bite to eat together afterward. Keeping with the family tradition, Petra’s mother always handed out the presents to the family on Christmas Eve and everyone spent the night. To Cora, this was one of the highlights of the year, even if she would never admit to it publicly. Right before the big party for the children started, she always made sure she served plates full of delicious snacks and goodies. Each year her daughters offered to help her with this, but their offers to help were always denied in a very friendly but stern way. She made the food and handed out the presents. That’s how it had always been, and as far as she was concerned it was always going to stay that way. Aad stayed as far away as possible from any and all of the discussions. He was fine with it all, as long as everyone was happy.

But this year Hans and Petra’s idea to celebrate the holiday at their house instead of her house had been received well. Everyone understood that it would be nice for Niels if he could retreat to his own room if needed to.

Cora kneeled down in front of the tree. She had to search for a while and adjust to the fact that it wasn’t her living room or her own Christmas tree. When she found what she was looking for, she got up and walked over to her husband. “This one is for Grandpa.”

Aad rubbed his hands together excitedly. “See, we’re starting exactly in the right order.” He grinned defiantly at his grandson. “Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn eventually, son.”

Cora slowed her pace. “Oh, wait a minute. I made a mistake. This one is for … Niels.”

Aad acted as if he was very disappointed, while Niels and the other children laughed loudly at their grandfather. Hans had seen the joke coming from miles away and enjoyed his son’s reaction.

Cora handed Niels the present.

“Probably a ball—it’s easy to see. Not very exciting,” Aad said, acting semi-hurt, which got a few chuckles from the room.

Niels ripped through the wrapping paper enthusiastically; it was a small and almost flat present. His eyes lit up instantly when he saw what he had received. “Tiger Troopers! Cool! That’s such a fun game!” Triumphantly, he held up the cover of the computer game. His younger cousins zeroed in quickly. “Let me see, let me see!”

“That looks like an exciting new game for your Game Boy, son,” said Aad.

Niels dramatically collapsed in his seat and sighed loudly. “This game is for PlayStation 3, Grandpa!”

“They’re too old for a Game Boy, Dad,” Laura said, giggling.

Hans winked at Niels. “That grandfather of yours is really something, buddy. He really doesn’t get it!”

Aad raised his arms, as if to surrender. “Fine, go ahead and make fun of me!”

Again the room filled with laughter. Hans and Petra glanced at each other. Everyone was having a great time tonight.

The overall mood was perfect, and Niels seemed to enjoy every second of it. Niels also played well with his two cousins, even if they were a little younger than him. He let them play with his gifts, which never lasted long, because they had to keep unwrapping their own presents as well. Little Maaike was jumping up and down with her My Little Pony and Koen played with his new Lego set.