Bella Summer Takes a Chance (6 page)

‘Were you in love with him, then?’

‘In love? I loved him, certainly. He was my first love. We were best friends. And we’d grown up together, both in body and mind.’

I knew how she felt. Mattias and I met in our twenties before we had any real idea what we were doing with our lives. We matured together. There was certainly a strong bond because of that. Even now, broken up. Yes, playing happy platonic couple last night was definitely a mistake.

‘We knew war was coming, so we didn’t waste any time getting married,’ Marjorie continued. ‘We were married in August. Jimmy signed up with the first wave in September and was gone within a month. I didn’t know I was expecting until after he left. He never saw his son.’

‘He died fighting?’

‘Noo. Actually, he was stung by a hornet.’

‘A hornet killed him?’

‘He was terribly allergic. Little James was born just a week after his father died. He was such a darling, and of course he utterly depended on me. I didn’t have much time left over for grieving. None of us had time for that in those days. We had a war to live through. James was the spitting image of his father as a baby, which was comforting for Mrs Wright, though in a way it was heartbreaking. She used to cry her eyes out when she held him. That’s why it was doubly terrible when James died.’

‘What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?’

‘It was during the Blitz. James was staying next door. I’d come down with whooping cough and we didn’t want him to catch it. The bomb went straight through the Wright’s roof. All four of them, James and three of Jimmy’s sisters, were killed in the same room. It happened so soon after the sirens began that I didn’t even have time to go over and get him.’ She shook the memory from her head. ‘I’m sorry, dear, I haven’t thought about that night in many years. It’s nearly teatime, isn’t it? What do you think? Shall we go to the dining room? There’s a rumour that Chef has made trifle.’ Her face was childlike in its excitement. ‘Will you get my wheelchair for me please? My arthritis is acting up in this weather.’

‘Of course. Marjorie, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.’

‘Thank you. But it’s just part of life. These things happen sometimes.’

I couldn’t even imagine such losses, one because an insect found her allergic husband in France and the other because she caught whooping cough. And she didn’t believe in ‘if only’? I wasn’t raised to contradict my elders, but I thought she was telling porky pies.

Chapter 5

My visit with Marjorie popped into my mind a few nights later when Kat dropped her bombshell in the V&A’s foyer as we enjoyed the museum’s monthly drinks party. Hundreds of people milled about with wine glasses and the jazz quartet played on, oblivious to my shattering world view.

‘How can you say that?!’ I said. The culture vultures nearby flapped at my outburst. ‘Of course you were in love.’

She shook her head, her bob punctuating her denial. ‘I told you, it doesn’t exist. There’s no such thing as “in love”. It’s simply “in lust”. A biological reaction. It wears off. Like Novocain. When James thought it was time to get married, he asked me. I thought it was time too, and I said yes. We weren’t in love. But we loved each other. We were like two peas in a pot.’

‘What about passion?’

‘If you want passion, go to the films. That’s where it exists. Only in imaginations.’

‘But Kat, if it really doesn’t exist, then I’ve broken up with Mattias for no good reason.’

‘That’s what I told you when you did it. B., honestly, you’ve made a big mistake.’

She didn’t say this with malice, but with a certainty that scared the crap out of me. I couldn’t let myself believe she was right. Her experience, and Marjorie’s, just meant there were two kinds of relationships.

‘Kat, believe me, I haven’t made a mistake. I spent Friday night with Mattias and it was nice, but that’s all it was. Nice. Comfortable. Like spending the night with you or Clare. Nothing more. And I have to believe there’s more out there.’

‘You spent the night with Mattias?’

‘Not like that. He asked me over for dinner. That’s all. I slept on the sofa. Absolutely nothing happened. It was just a friendly evening.’

‘But that’s wonderful! B., you can get back together with him.’

‘My feelings haven’t changed. We’re friends. That’s not enough for a future. At least, it’s not enough for mine.’ I didn’t tell her how nice it felt to be back in the flat, or in Mattias’ company, or that he was texting again. Just friendly messages asking about my day, but she’d get the wrong idea if she knew. Nostalgia and a shared love of Spanish cuisine weren’t the cornerstone of a future together. And I didn’t believe that friendship alone held together Kat and James’ marriage either.

Mattias and I had talked about marriage over the years, generally after well-meaning friends demanded to know whether nuptials were on the cards. Our answer was consistent, and convincing. No need for that piece of paper to prove our commitment. After all, we’d been together longer than many married couples. Mattias did check in every so often, away from friends’ questions, to see how I felt about it. My answer was honest. I’d never felt the urge to walk down the aisle. In truth, the very idea made me feel a little sick. That probably wasn’t a healthy reaction to the idea of spending your life with someone you love. Mattias’ reaction was more sensible, and less nauseous. His parents were happily unmarried, as Scandies often are. He was comfortable with the status quo. His point of view was cultural. Mine flew in the face of my upbringing. Married parents, married brothers, married friends. And yet I didn’t even entertain the notion.

Kat and James were different. He proposed to her in a little ski village near her hometown. He wanted to take one more run, down to the village. She preferred the gondola. They bickered, Kat wanting to meet at the cafe at the bottom, James insisting they ski the last run together. James won. And halfway down he stopped alongside her, unclipped his skis and clumsily got on one knee. They were married a year later.

I remembered my friend’s face when she told me the story. She’d looked like she was in love. Mattias and I never were. It was just an easy relationship, as long as we didn’t delve too deeply into its inner workings. We were the flat stones thrown across the surface of the pond, enjoying the movement and heat of the sun while skimming until, eventually, momentum stopped and we sank.

‘I think you just don’t remember about you and James,’ I said.

‘B., does it really matter?’

‘Of course it matters! I have to believe in it.’

She sighed. ‘But the passion, even if you have it, doesn’t last. That’s not what makes the relationship work. It’s the friendship. You can marry and be happy with anyone who is your best friend. Trust me, you’ve got to have the friendship for it to last. James and I wouldn’t have made it through these last few years without that.’

She was talking about Jonathan. I stroked my friend’s shoulder. Those were hard years. ‘I know that friendship needs to be in the equation, but so does passion. Surely you have to be in love, at least at the start.’

‘No, you don’t,’ she said with her usual conviction. ‘Love doesn’t really come into it at all, after awhile.’ Her sliding-away eyes said more than her words.

‘Kat, what’s wrong?’

She stared at the enormous yellow, green and blue blown glass chandelier illuminated against the deeply shadowed vaulted ceiling.

‘Nothing is wrong,
Spatzl
. I’m just telling you not to be so naïve. You’re like a baby in the forest. In real life it’s not fairy tales–’

Her admonishment was cut off when Faith pounced on us. ‘So sorry I’m tardy,’ she sang, obviously not sorry at all. ‘I was waylaid. And I had to drop my bags at the cloakroom. Long queue. You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had.’ She meant she’d been shopping. Faith was a marketer’s dream, wielding her credit cards in the face of all drama. Misadventures in her job ensured she was always on fashion’s cutting edge. On her salary, it was a good thing her parents had a city flat that they let her live in for nearly nothing. Otherwise she’d have to hang her latest purchases in the cardboard box she’d call home under London Bridge.

‘Hello, Faith,’ Kat said. ‘Nice to join us. Sorry to hit and run but I promised James I’d be home by eight to look after the children. Tonight’s poker night. Good night,
Suesse
, have fun, Faith.’

‘But Kat,’ Faith moaned. ‘You can’t leave now, we haven’t had a chance to talk!’

‘That’s because you are an hour late.’ Kat could imagine no higher sin. It was a good thing she loved Faith. ‘I forgive you but I must go. We’ll see each other again soon.’ She kissed us both, gathered her things and hurried off to relieve her husband.

‘Did you already go to the talk?’ Faith asked, watching Kat hurry to the tall glass doors. ‘Tsch, it’s a shame I couldn’t get here earlier. Though I found the most divine skirt, and it was virtually free, so that’s some consolation. Clare’s not here yet?’

I confirmed that she was due any minute.

‘Good. How bad was your day?’

It was our standard introduction to nights out together. My job was boring and therefore my bitching was boring. But Faith had one of the world’s most interesting awful jobs.

It was her lifelong dream to be an investigative reporter. At first she contributed stories to a local weekly, which had a circulation around the size of a seven-year-old’s paper route. She got her break three years ago, landing a staff job at a larger paper, but her euphoria was short-lived. As the most junior of cub reporters, her assignments were not career-building.

‘We had our presentation yesterday,’ I said. ‘As predicted, the clients’ eyes glazed over. Of course, it was really gratifying to feel like I was talking to the walls. But at least they didn’t ask any questions. Clare was right, once again. We could have screwed everything up and they’d only care that we didn’t go over budget. We’re just overpriced scapegoats. They’re happy whether we make their business better or worse. When it goes well they take all the credit for making the change, and when it doesn’t they blame us for the change, even though we only implemented their decisions. Anyway, it’s over, one more month tying up loose ends, and then I’m off to live amongst the Oompa Loompas at the chocolate factory.’

‘Lucky girl. I’d love to live amongst the Oompa Loompas with you. I could run their newspaper, investigating the Everlasting Gobstopper innovations and allegations of Willy Wonka’s impropriety. Not that my current article isn’t equally thrilling.’

‘What is it?’ Try as I might to settle my expression into one of sympathy, my anticipatory glee must have been obvious.

‘I’m investigating whether a restaurant is illegally dumping food in LIDL’s bins.’

‘You’re kidding.’

‘Deadly serious. I spent last night hiding behind a dumpster with a camera.’

‘Why don’t they just look at the CCTV footage?’

‘Thanks for belittling my already shitty career path.’

‘Sorry, that was rubbish of me.’

‘Very funny.’

‘I’m sure it’s bin very hard for you.’

‘Please shut up.’

‘Seriously, sorry. Tell me. Did they do it? Did they dump?’

‘They dumped. I’ve just written the shocking exposé: Mr Singh is putting his chapattis where they don’t belong. My career is meteoric. There’s no other word for it. What about you? You’re really going to Zurich. Any news on the flat?’

I shook my head. They really were cutting it fine.

‘Then maybe you’ll get to stay! I don’t like it when you’re away.’

‘I know but it’ll only be during the week, like when we worked in Leeds, remember? I’ll come back on Fridays so it’ll be nearly like normal. I need to go, Faith.’

She rubbed my hand. ‘I know you do. It’ll be good for you, a reset button, as you’ve said. And who knows what Swiss delicacies you might sample while you’re there. A little Swiss roll, maybe?’

‘A
little
Swiss roll is the last thing I’m looking for, thanks.’

‘You’re right. We are far too fabulous to suffer any snack-sized baked goods.’ She sighed. ‘Although at this stage, a slice of anything would be welcome. I broke up with Ben last night. The Teacher,’ she clarified, anticipating my question. ‘He wasn’t the one.’

‘I’m sorry, what happened?’ I wanted to sound surprised, but couldn’t manage it. Faith suffered from a serious flaw intolerance when it came to men. The tiniest taste of imperfection sent her into a full-blown adverse reaction. The list of irritants grew by the month: The Publican (bad breath), Chuckles (hummed when he read), The Banker (mother issues), Foreplay…

‘Do you remember Foreplay?’ I asked. ‘What was wrong with him?’ That was one I wouldn’t have given up so easily.

‘How can you have forgotten? He was lactose intolerant. And don’t make light. You know my views on cheese.’

‘I know. It’s the West’s most civilising factor.’ Naturally, hearing about the latest unforgiveable offence gave Clare and me hours of entertainment, and made us wonder how she remained so optimistic despite constant disappointment. She’d have been forgiven for resigning herself to living with cats, but she wasn’t that sort of person. Her glass wasn’t just half full. It spilled on to the table. That made her a tremendous if often unrealistic friend. ‘So, The Teacher?’

‘His feet smell. He took his shoes off at my place, when he came over for dinner. We were having a nice time. He’s very easy to talk to, and we’ve got
so
much in common. He even likes romcoms and he’s not ashamed of it.’

‘Are you sure he’s not gay?’

‘Not judging by his kissing, no. He is good, mmm, I could spend hours kissing him.’

‘So, his feet?’

‘Ugh. He asked to take off his shoes when I put the DVD on. The smell. Like yogurt that’s gone off.’

‘That is bad. But maybe it was just that night. What if he’d stepped in a puddle or something, and they hadn’t dried properly? You know, a good kisser who’ll watch
Sleepless in Seattle
shouldn’t be dismissed lightly.’

She wasn’t convinced. ‘I’m sure his shoes all reek.’