Bellissimo Rilascio (Beautiful Release): The Family Series #3 (3 page)

My apologies.

My remorse.

My promise to not inflict more suffering on Bianca.

Each mile closer, my heart becomes heavier with the decision I’ve made. It’s a necessary one, one I’ve mulled over, and it kills me to know after everything, it ends here and now. All the fights, the struggles, the pain, the joy, the laughter, the love . . . it’s the finale.

The hospital has an ominous feeling as I search for Bronson. I’ve hurt his sister; I’ve hurt my friendship with him. He entrusted me with her heart, her happiness, and I let him down. In turn, I’ve disappointed myself. The sterile feeling of the hospital mirrors the cold feeling coursing through me. I see him standing outside of her room, deep in conversation with Gianna.

He catches sight of me. His entire body goes rigid, and anger flashes across his face before he can mask it. I continue my path towards him, and the disgust continues to wrap me in a blanket.

“How did you know?” Gianna turns at his words, and her eyes convey the betrayal she feels.

“Callie came by and told me.”

“I can’t imagine that was pretty.” A slight smile forms as he imagines what his wife said to me.

“It was the truth. I just wanted to come by and see how she is doing. See if you needed anything.”

I feel a hand grip my forearm, and I’m forced to face Gianna. “Dakota, you can’t be here. You can’t see her. I don’t know what has happened, but you’ve done enough damage.”

I nod. “I know. I’m not here for that. I can’t say sorry enough. Those words don’t convey what I mean. I came to see if I could do anything. Help in anyway. I don’t want to cause any more damage.”

“Help me understand.” Her pleading stabs me in the heart.

“Gianna, I messed up. I respect you and love you like you’re my own mother. You’ve made me a part of your family, and this is the hardest truth I’ve ever had to say. I broke her heart. I was callous, immature, petty. So many other things, but they don’t matter. I accept the blame. I’m the reason this happened. I give you my word, no more. I won’t hurt her again.” She squeezes my forearm, I’m confused if that’s for reassurance to me or the weight of my confession is weakening her. “Bronson can fill you in or you can wait until Bianca is able to.”

Silence. It echoes through the corridors. Our hell in the making. I nod to the end of the hall, and Bronson immediately follows me.

“You know I’d let you see her. It isn’t all you, Dakota. Every one of us has blame in this.”

“No. It started with me. It ends with me.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m headed to the office. I’m going to ask for a temporary transfer. She needs to heal without me in her face as a constant reminder.”

“She’s going to think you abandoned her. How do you think she’s going to feel?”

“Can she get any worse? She’ll hate me. That may be the final push she needs to get over me. Break this hold we have on each other. I can’t be responsible for her pain any longer. I can’t do this to her another minute. I’ve been selfish long enough. This wasn’t a cry for help, Bronson. She had no other outlet for the agony. It’s all trapped inside her, and I put it there. She means more to me than I can say. If she needs to hate me, resent me, blame me . . . she can do it all as long as she gets better.”

“You need to tell her. You need to give her that choice.”

“No.”

“You’re a coward.”

“Maybe. The one thing I’m afraid of is her not surviving this. Or doing something else permanent. If that makes me a coward, so be it. I’ve taken so many choices from her, thinking of myself. This time I’m thinking of her.” I step back and scrub my hands across my face. This inner turmoil is filling me with self-doubt. “If I go in that room and tell her my plans, you know what will happen. She’ll feel guilty. She will react. Beg me to stay, worry that me leaving is her fault. She’s going to blame herself, thinking I can’t survive without y’all.” I take a deep breath and put her well being ahead of my wants. “I won’t put any more at her feet. She has nothing to feel guilty for, she didn’t cause this, and it’s time for me to face the consequences of my actions. I should have faced them years ago, but I thought I could make it better. I didn’t. I made it worse.” I lean back against the wall needing help supporting myself. I can’t imagine a life without her. “She is going to need you. She’ll try to distance herself; act strong, but you know her better than anyone. Take your blinders off, take your loyalty to me out of the equation, and see what she is going through. Hate me if you have to, just don’t let her slip through the cracks.”

“Damn it, Dakota. Why’d you have to do this? I’m so fucking pissed at you, at her, at the situation. You put us all in a bad situation, and maybe I’m to blame for thinking she could get over it.”

“Could you get over it if it was Callie? I know you felt betrayed by her, but what I did . . . that was a slap in the face to what we shared. I broke down every wall she had, I became her best friend, and I abused that. I don’t know how to reach her, and that is a testament to how tall her walls are. She’s closed every part of her off, and it’s slowly killing her. Fight with her. Fight for her. Don’t give up.”

“I promise.” He grabs me and gives me a hug. “Will I see you before you leave?”

“Probably not. I don’t know if I can get a transfer, but either way, I’m going to make myself scarce. I need to put myself back together. I have to find a way to move forward without her. All this time I never let myself believe we were over. I have to comprehend that now. Let the dream go.”

“You going to be okay?”

“Time will tell.”

“Watch your back. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I think my quota for stupidity has been met for this lifetime.”

“I’ll keep you updated.” I take a deep breath and turn from my best friend, leaving my heart and life here with him.

I don’t remember crying when we buried Dana, though I’m sure I did. I try to remember the pain I felt that day, but it must pale in comparison because all I can focus on is the gripping agony I feel at this moment. In this moment, every other memory is non-existent. It’s embracing every facet of my body, running through me, overtaking me. I fight to find strength to leave. I pause outside her room, knowing in my mind it will make things worse, my heart arguing with reason. It’d be so easy to slip in and beg her for another chance, leave knowing I gave it all I had. I step closer, peer inside through the glass and stop.

Nothing.

Nothing could have prepared me for this. Her face pale, her eyes closed.

Hollow.

She looks empty. Unkempt. A portrait I thought I’d never see of her. This is the ugly reality. I did this.

Stepping back, I trip over my feet, fleeing from this veracity. I wasn’t prepared for the outcome. She went from deity to dust because of my callousness. I went from saint to sinner in one moment.

I let her go in the middle of a hospital while running from what I dreamed was my future. She begged me last night, told me she was releasing me from the guilt, the pain I inflicted time and time again. In doing so, she absorbed it all, and it ruined her.

I ruined her. That girl in the bed, she is a shell of who she was. I’m not the man I dreamed I was, the one I claimed to be.

I’m a sham.

A farce.

Imposter.

I strived to be the best for her, and in turn I was the worst.

Chapter Four

Bianca

I’m exhausted. They all talk about me like I’m not lying in this bed. I hear all the words being thrown around; suicide watch, catatonic, shock, but the most untrue . . . avoidance. Reality hit me in the face and continued smacking me until I couldn’t take it. I was not avoiding. Suicide wasn’t running through my mind. It wasn’t a thought, at all. I didn’t want to harm myself, but feeling the physical pain I exacted on myself eased some of the burning, strangling feeling that took root inside of me. It gave me somewhere else to avert my focus. I know it was stupid, it’s an easy place to go to, and I can understand their worry, but it isn’t warranted. I need to gain the tools to move forward and deal with the aftermath that was once my life.

Lynsey is the only one not voicing an opinion, not looking at me with despair and pity. She is looking at me, not in worry, but commiseration. Her silence says more than her words . . . she understands this. In a way she seems jealous that I removed myself from life for a short time.

But I didn’t.

The short reprieve didn’t lessen the despair.

It just created excess turmoil in my already fucked-up life.

The whispering ceased, and I opened my eyes to find everyone had left. Everyone but Bronson. The lines surrounding his eyes deep from worry, his face unshaven and clothes disheveled. Remorse washes over me.

“Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?” Add another thing to my guilt list.

“I wouldn’t leave you, Binks. Callie either.” Hearing those words, wave after wave of shame coursed through me.

“I’ll be fine.” I saw his eyes narrow, and his fists clenched. His control snapped.

“Fuck, Bianca. You scared us to death. I’m doing every thing I can to stop them from committing you to the psych ward for a mandatory hold, telling them you’re not suicidal. I feel like I’m lying to protect you because I don’t know what the fuck is going on in your head.”

“You’re not lying. I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”

“Then what were you doing?”

“Trying to stop the pain. Stop the confusion. It hurts so bad, Bronson.” My voice snags against the sob I’m trying to hold back.

He steps forward, ready to do the big brother thing and comfort me. Taking me in his arms he squeezes me. “Not trying to kill yourself?”

“No,” I promise him. “I honestly don’t know what I was trying to do. I’m so confused. So hurt. I’m angry and don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what to do.”

“Not going bat shit crazy in a hotel would be a good start.” He chuckles, “I always knew the day would come when you would channel your inner Britney Spears.”

“If I would have had an umbrella it would have saved my hands.” I hold them in front of my face, showing the bandages, and immediately realize my mistake. His breath pauses, and he closes his eyes, refusing to see my scars.

Silence.

No words can remedy this.

“Bronson, I swear I’ll be fine. I just need to escape, gain some perspective. Letting him go was the right thing, but I couldn’t stand seeing him hurt. I just imploded. Remembering
everything
. And I miss him.”

“Are you sure you can’t work it out? It seems like there is still something there to save.”

“Not Dakota. Heath. I miss him. Things were natural but exciting with him. It wasn’t a challenge for me to open up to him. He was there to catch me when I fell. He never demanded more than I could give but gave me all of himself. I fucked up. I hurt him. I used him. But, I love him. How can I love him but feel like this over Dakota?”

“I don’t know, Binks. I don’t know.”

“He was here.”

“I know. You should have seen him. There was no way I was keeping him from you.”

“I have to get my shit together before I can see him. He deserves nothing less than all of me, but through all this, I have no clue who I am anymore.”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“No, Bronson. I have to work through it myself. My whole life, I’ve always had someone there to fix it. Dad, you, Dakota, Callie, Mom . . . now it’s my turn. If I’m ever going to be whole, I have to be the one to put myself back together. Hell, I may come out of this stronger than ever.”

“I have no doubts, little sister. Just don’t ever do something like this again.”

“I swear.”

“Let me see if I can get you sprung from here.” His phone dings, and he checks the message. “There goes my honeymoon.”

“What? I’ll be fine. I have mom to keep watch.”

“Shit.” He sighs. “I don’t know if this is the best time, but Dakota is gone. He put in for a transfer, an assignment out of state to give you space. That was the office letting me know he’s been transferred to the Denver location for a special assignment. I get no honeymoon, and my ass needs to be at the office tomorrow. I want you to come back with us.”

I nod, giving in against my better judgment, because I don’t want to cause him more chaos. I’ll stay long enough to give him some reassurance. I’ll figure out my next move. A vacation with no memories attached to it sounds good. I can work the details out once things settle in Miami.

“I’m serious, Binks. I know you said you wanted to escape, but you have to promise to stay close, get some professional help.”

I relent to his wishes again. I need help, need to learn to shift my attention from the mess I made of everyone’s life.

As much as I hate that Dakota took a special case because of me, I can’t see him until I’m stronger. I can’t bear to cause us any more strife, and I know I’m weak right now. Decisions wouldn’t be made with the frame of mind needed, and regrets would undoubtedly follow. I’d allow my family this time. I would assure them that I would be fine.

And I would be. I will be.