BENCHED (21 page)

"Is milady's silverware not adequate?" I say.

"This isn't silver, but it will serve."

She looks around the table and fidgets before she uses the fork to carve out a tiny bite of Spam.

"This tastes like hot dog," she says.

Akele and Aheahe look at each other.

"I like it," she declares and starts shoveling Spam slices onto her plate.

I pile up a healthy meal, Dee loads up her plate, and the brothers chow down. It's like watching that scene in the dinosaur movie where they drop the cow in the raptor pen.

Princess Ana keeps up. She must eat an entire can of Spam herself, two stacks of pancakes, French toast with jelly and butter, and a half dozen eggs. She washes it down with about half a gallon of milk, chugging half a glass at a time.

"Good," she declares.

"High praise," Aheahe agrees.

"I have to wash your clothes," I tell her.

I grab the balled-up puke-laden garments and head down to the basement. To my surprise, she follows me down.

"I wish to apologize for soiling your shoes."

"It's okay, they were only my favorite shoes. Hand me that laundry detergent, will you?"

She looks at the shelf and blinks. "Which one is that?"

"Blue bottle."

She plucks it down and hands it to me, and watches, fascinated. I give her a look, but she just shrugs. After I load the machine and turn it on, she watches the water and clothes spin around through the glass door.

"I have to ask. You've never been in a laundry room before, have you?"

"No."

"Who does your laundry?"

She shrugs. "Servants."

She looks at the floor and scuffs her feet, and her cheeks redden. I stare at her for a moment, burning the image into my brain.

I clear my throat.

"Come on, upstairs. They have to dry after they're done washing. We'll have you out of here in a couple of hours."

The princess rubs her arms.

"You know, we could pick up where we left off," I say, moving closer to her. "You were telling me what being a princess is like."

"No, I wasn't," she says curtly.

"Maybe we could dance a little more, then."

"I had enough of that."

I don't let that deter me.

"You know, it was kinda cool how you charged at a guy twice your size to get my back."

She blinks. "What would I want with your back?"

"I mean, back me up. Support me."

"Oh." She shifts on her feet. "Yes. If you say it is cool."

"So you know what 'cool' means, but not 'got your back'?"

The princess glares at me. "I'm a foreigner. Not an alien."

I laugh a little. "Right, right, I'll remember that. What was all that you were saying about being a warrior? Your mom or something?"

She shifts uneasily on her feet. "Nothing. It is silly."

"Oh yeah?"

"How long does this machine take?"

"About an hour."

Huffing, she walks to the stairs and sits down.

"We don't have to watch the whole time. It has a buzzer. You can go back upstairs if you want."

She eyes me, chewing her lip. "Do you know where I'm from?"

"Jyvaslka."

"You're pronouncing it wrong."

"I don't think anybody can pronounce it right."

Her look could cut glass.

"Sorry. I just meant it's a difficult language. I speak a little Spanish. Took it in high school."

"I speak five languages."

"Well, aren't you fancy."

"I'm a princess."

"Are you? I forgot." I grin.

She props her chin on her hand. "I didn't."

"What's that mean?"

"Nothing. My people came to the island six hundred years ago. Until they found the oil off our shores, we were hunters and fishermen. While the men tended the nets and hunted whales, the women cared for our homes. That means defending them from raiders."

"So you are a warrior princess. Cool."

"Cool?"

"Cool. Go out with me."

"What? Out where?"

"On a date. It's something we earth humans do."

"I told you I'm not a—"

"You've demonstrated they have sarcasm on your planet. I'm sure you can understand the concept of 'humor.'"

She sighs. "Why?"

"What? I like you. I want to buy you dinner. We can go to Burger King. They treat you like royalty there. You'd like it."

"I don't mean why do you want me to go out. I know what a date is. I mean why me? Dee told me things about you."

"What things?"

"She said you fucked half the girls on campus."

"Is that a direct quote?"

"Yes."

Oh, thanks, Dee.

"Not half. Maybe a third. Don't you want to see what all the fuss is about?"

"No. I'm not going to be a notch on someone's bedpost. You're a 'player,' aren't you?"

"Hey, hey, where's this coming from? I wasn't getting this attitude last night. I thought we were having fun."

"We were, but the children of wine are oft abandoned come morning."

"We didn't have any wine."

She rolls her eyes. "It's an idiom."

"Did you just call me an idiot?"

"No, I—"

"I'm messing with you. I know what an idiom is. I'm an English major."

"I see," she says, narrowing her eyes as she studies me. "I would not have guessed."

"What would you guess I major in?"

"Football."

I snort. "They don't let you, and if they did, I still wouldn't."

She cocks her head and stands up. "Oh?"

"This is very clever. You're leading me away from the question. Will you go out with me?"

She steps closer, fingering the strings of her hoodie.

Wait, my hoodie.

How the hell does she look so sexy in baggy clothes?

"You want me to date you."

"Yes. Preferably on an ongoing basis."

"What do you Americans do on dates?"

"What do your people do on dates? Club seals?"

"We don't have seals," she snaps. "Why does everyone ask me that?"

"I was thinking we could go for a long walk, eat dinner at a moderately priced restaurant, and then have a night of toe-curling sex."

She snorts. "Then you'd never call me again. That's how I understand it."

"No, I'd call you the next day. I'm all about the toe-curling."

"I can feed myself. I don't need you to buy me dinner."

She edges a little closer every time she talks. I close the gap between us, leaning on the dryer.

"You still haven't answered my question," she says, poking my chest. "Why me?"

"You saw me staring at you on the field."

"It's not possible that you saw me from so far away."

"I'd know you anywhere. You're the only girl I've met with mismatched eyes. Besides, my lover’s face is like the sun."

I move closer.

She gives me a light shove back with one hand. "I am not your lover."

"Not yet, and the sonnet reads, 'my lover’s eyes are not like the sun.'"

"So it does. I was making up my own. Shakespeare isn't good enough to describe a beauty like you."

"I have had enough. I am going upstairs now. You can tell me when my clothes are ready."

The look on her face changes abruptly. She starts to say something, but stops, pursing her lips.

"Oh, I can? What am I, one of your servants? Do I look like my name is Jeeves to you?"

"What? I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

"Never mind. Fine, go upstairs. All the cool people will be down here with the laundry machine."

She turns, and with an imperious upward flick of her chin starts to leave.

"I hate to see you go."

"That is unfortunate," Anastasia says.

"I love to watch you leave." I grin.

She turns back to me on the stairs. "Dee taught me a gesture for situations such as this."

Princess Anastasia gives me the finger, then jogs back up the stairs.

I look at the washing machine. It chugs along, oblivious.

"Women," I tell it and run up after her.

At the top of the stairs, I find that Anastasia has joined Dee on the couch; the brothers have taken up positions the other two sofas.

They have the Monopoly board out.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask.

"We're going to play Monopoly while we wait for Ana's clothes to get clean," Dee says. "She's never played Monopoly before."

"You think hangover Monopoly is a good idea?"

Akele shrugs his huge shoulders. "A game of Monopoly without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair."

"They're going to cheat," I warn Anastasia.

"They will not," she says.

"You don't know the rules. They could just make them up."

"What would be the point of that?" the princess asks me.

"Honey, cheating is half the point of this game."

"Don't call me honey."

"Okay, babycakes."

"Don't call me that either."

"Sweetie pie?"

"No."

"Honeysuckle. Popsicle?"

"One more and I will slap you."

I leap over the couch. "In that case, I'll just have to join the game."

I drop onto the seat next to Anastasia, wedging her between me and Dee. Dee glares at me behind Anastasia's head.

"By the way, Dee, thanks a lot."

"For what?"

"The preemptive cockblock."

"Language," Akele says.

"Are we still doing 'language'?" Aheahe says.

"Whatever," I cut in. "I'm the hat."

Ana turns to me. "You're hat?"

"My token." I hold it up.

"I see. I shall be the iron."

Dee grabs the thimble, and Aheahe and Akele take the locomotive and the dog, respectively. I say nothing while they patiently explain the rules to Ana and we make our opening rolls.

Ana leans over the board and considers every purchase she makes, and keeps her fake money and deed cards tucked in her hands, eyeing the rest of us suspiciously.

"You know what would be great?" I say as I collect my salary for completing a run around the board. "Strip monopoly. We'd have to get rid of these others though."

Ana glares at me.

"Dude," Akele says. "Strip Monopoly would take like six months."

"Thanks, that helps."

He grins. "You shouldn't say such crude things around a princess, cousin."

"Fine. Your turn, Ana."

She rolls the dice and picks up one of the green properties.

"They explained the trading part of this game to you, right?"

"Yes."

"Look. I've got a green one too. Right here."

She eyes me. "What do you want for it?"

"Don't make a deal," Dee urges. "Nobody has a monopoly yet."

"I don't want a property. Kiss me and it's yours. Also two hundred dollars."

"What?"

"I can't just give it away. I should be saying, 'Give me two hundred and I'll kiss you.'"

"Dude," Aheahe says. "If she gets the green monopoly, we're all boned. That one's better than Park Place."

"No it isn't," Akele protests.

"Yes it is," Aheahe says.

"Is it a deal?" I ask Ana.

"Yes," she says.

Dee's eyes widen.

Anastasia darts at me quickly and plants a soft, chaste kiss on my cheek. When she draws back, she has the green deed in her hand, and she's slipped two hundred in pink and blue money into mine.

She reshuffles her cards and sits back. It's Akele's turn to roll.

I lean over and whisper in Ana's ear, "If we work together, we can crush them."

"Dee can hear you," she says, loudly.

"Join me, and I will show you the power of the dark side."

"The dark side of what?"

I sit back and look at her. "You didn't get that reference."

"No?"

I gape at her. "You've never seen that movie."

"No," she says, turning away in annoyance.

"Watch them with me."

"'Them'?"

"Yeah, there's three of them.
A New Hope
,
The Empire Strikes Back
, and
Return of the Jedi
. We'll watch all three. One and then I make you lunch, two and then I make you dinner, three and then I make you breakfast."

"I'll pass," she says.

"I'll receive. That was a football joke."

"I gathered that, yes."

"Hey, man, are we playing this game or what?" Akele says.

"This is about Jason's game, bro," Aheahe snickers.

"It's my turn," Anastasia says, then leans forward and grabs the dice, and rolls. She moves her piece. She's on the top row of the board.

"Oh shit," I say.

"What?" Dee says.

"Look. Ana's piece is seven spots from the green monopoly."

"So?"

"So seven is the easiest number to roll," Ana says, glancing at me. "How did you know that?"

"I have many secrets. I'd be happy to share them with you over breakfast in bed. I make a mean crepe."

"I don't like crepes."

"Okay, fine. One of us has to get that third green one before she does."

"That wouldn't be a problem if you didn't trade it away to her for nothing," Dee says, glaring at me.

"Maybe I want her to win. Maybe I like a woman on top."

"Somehow I doubt that," Ana says.

"Oh, why's that? Chivalry is my middle name."

"I though your middle name was Thomas," Akele says.

I wave him away.

"What do you know about chivalry?" Anastasia says, folding her arms across her chest. "Roll the dice, Dee. Let us play."

Dee groans and rolls.

Her roll sends her directly to jail, and she does not pass Go. She looks over her stack of cash and her cards and shrugs.

"I'll stay in jail and let you goobers roll. There's only a couple of properties left."

The dice pass to Aheahe. He looks at Akele.

"Trade," they both say at once.

They spend the next twenty minutes arguing.

"You haggle like fishwives," Anastasia says.

"Is that good?" Akele asks her.

She blinks. "Maybe?"

By the time they're done and shake on it, Akele and Aheahe both have two monopolies, but they split the railroads. Dee will be out when she starts rolling again; she's only got the light blue ones, and I have the other cards keeping her from getting the purples. Control of the right side of the board is divided between me and Anastasia.