Beneath the Dover Sky (17 page)

Scarborough estate, Southern England

“Kipp.” The warm hands came from behind and slipped under his arms and over his chest in the dark. “I didn’t know where to find you! Dad said you’d gone walking in the rain, so I said I’d take a peek at the horses.” He felt her lips press lightly against the back of his neck and closed his eyes. “So then I knew you’d be in our secret place—our little tack room beyond the stables that is warm, dry, and delicious with the scent of leather.” Her mouth found his ear and her breath made his skin tingle. “Every time Dad tells us you’ve come on business, my heart leaps. I can’t help myself. You do love me, don’t you?”

“Caroline, the Lord knows how attracted I am to you. I don’t even know all the reasons why. But I love Christelle. She’s my wife.”

“You love us both, Kipp.”

“No I don’t,” he said as he swung around within her embrace to face her.

“You do.” Her lips touched his ear, his neck, his cheek, and hovered near his mouth.

“No man can love two women.”

“You can.” Her lips brushed his. “Push me away if you don’t want me.”

“I do want you, but I love Christelle.”

“You don’t think you love me?”

“I shouldn’t be caught up with you, but…”

She kissed him softly. “But here we are in each other’s arms.”

His hand reached up and stroked the long blonde hair that was loose about her shoulders. “I can’t get you out of my blood.”

“Good. That’s where I want you to stay.” She kissed him again.

“Two women. My life revolves around two women and a son.”

“Only two women? Are you sure?”

“Believe me, Christelle and you are enough. A man can only handle so much beauty.” He placed his lips against her hair. “I wish it were
ancient times—ancient biblical times—when men had more than one wife. That would work for me.”

“In a way you do have that.”

“I know you genuinely care for Christelle and our son, Matthew.”

“I adore them. Just as you do. And I know you love my son, Charles.”

He leaned his head against hers. “This makes no sense, does it? I don’t want to hurt Christelle. I don’t want to hurt my family. And I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve done that enough.” He kissed her forehead.

“You’re not hurting her.” She smoothed back his blonde hair. “And I’m certainly not feeling hurt right now.”

“Christelle is hurt; she must be hurt. She knows there is something between us. Chris is no fool. She’s always told me I still care for you. Even when I object she shakes her head and says it doesn’t bother her because she knows that you may have part of my heart, but she has all of it.”

“Shh.”

Their eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the tack room. For the first time, he noticed she was wearing a tweed jacket, and raindrops had beaded on its shoulders.

She took his hand and sat on one of the English saddles resting on a wooden stand. She gestured to the saddle on a stand next to her.

When he sat down, she turned away from him and shook her head, letting her hair fall over her shoulders to her waist.

“Will you brush it for me, Kipp?”

Kipp ran a hand over her hair’s rich thickness. It was damp in some spots and wet in others. He took the brush she gave him and began to pull it gently through. The rain brought out the scent of her hair, and it came to him along with the leather of the saddles and traces, the wax and polish, the musk of horses and ponies, and the dryness of the wood on which the bridles and halters and lead ropes and saddles were hung. He sank his face into the softness and the richness. He placed his hands gently on her shoulders and guided her around until she was sitting up and facing him. Then he gathered her into his arms.

“I suppose I do love you. I love you both. There’s nothing I can do about it. God help me, it is not the Christian thing. But Christelle and
you are rubies and diamonds to me. You both are silver and gold. I can’t walk away from either of you.”

He fumbled in his pocket for matches. When he found them, he struck one and held the amber flame a foot from her face.

“What are you doing?” she whispered.

“I just had to see your eyes.”

The flickering match filled her eyes with brightness and shadows. The blueness was a sky at early morning, and he could almost feel the cool breezes moving over him. Tears came from her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks, glistening from the light of the flame. Then the match went out.

“Don’t light another.”

“I want to see you.”

“No…don’t…please.” Her hand folded over his in the dark.

“Your parents will worry.”

“They were already turning in when I walked out into the rain.” She brushed his nose with her hair. “You didn’t get very far. It’s still wet and matted from our April showers.”

“I got as far as I could. Your beauty is overwhelming when I’m with you. I’m helpless, really. It’s the same way with Chris. One can only do so many chores. Then one has to love.”

“My goodness, is my hair a chore now?”

“It’s your crowning glory. I love you. It’s wrong; but I don’t know what else to say. God forgive me.”

She traced his mouth with her finger. “And I love you. And we both love Christelle and care for her very much.”

“Yes.”

“Hold me. I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“How strong my feelings for you are. I don’t know where they’re going to take us, Kipp.”

He brought Caroline into his chest. Once again the scent of her hair mixed with the straw and leather and wet and now he heard the tapping of the rain on the roof. The moment seemed to make everything fall into place. Caroline, Christelle, Charles, Matthew, God, love…

“I won’t ever abandon you, Kipp,” she said quietly. “I bind you to me tonight. You’ll never be lost, never be alone as long as I have breath. I swear it. I’ll care for your son just as I care for my own. My love for you won’t stop…ever.”

“That’s a lot to promise.”

“Kipp, I make this promise to you
and
to Chris.”

“What do you mean?”

She reached into the pocket of the riding pants she was wearing. She pulled out a small envelope and placed it in Kipp’s hand.

“Christelle sent this to me, and I need to share it with you. You’ll need a light to read it.”

“What is it? You want me to read this right now?”

“Yes.”

She sat up and unhooked a lantern from the wall. “Perhaps you’d better use this.”

“Why? Have you given me a book?”

“The ink is faint.”

“What were you using to write with?”

“I didn’t write it.”

He flicked a match with his thumbnail. It caught and he pushed the match inside the lantern as she held it. The wick took the flame and lit up the shed.

Caroline hung the lantern back up. The glow revealed her tweed jacket and the pants and boots she wore. The tumble of her hair about her shoulders and the blue-and-gold of her eyes shone.

He stopped what he was doing and took in her beauty. Then he looked at the note in his hand. “I don’t understand…”

She avoided his gaze and glanced at the tack hanging on the walls. “Read it, Kipp. It’s from Chris.”

He looked at the blank envelope. He pulled out the notecard that was covered with barely legible writing. He recognized his wife’s hand. “Caroline, what’s going on?”

She didn’t look at him. “Read it, please. You’ll understand.”

My dear Caroline,

As we’ve discussed, you know I’m gravely ill. The doctors say I will probably not live long past April. I need your help…Kipp will need your help.

I know this may be awkward, but please let Kipp know you love him. Take him in your arms and kiss him. Tell him everything you feel. At first he will push you away. But keep trying.

I know what is in your heart for him. I know you’ve held back because of our marriage. But he still loves you, just as he still loves me, even if he will not admit he has feelings for you. I want you to help him find that love for you again. I don’t care how hard it is. Reach out to him. Use all the words you have inside you. Be beautiful for him. Touch him. Let him discover what is in his heart for you.

Kipp loves me, and he will always love me. Long after I am gone, he will love me. But he has enough love in his heart for both of us. The last thing I want is for him to be alone in his grief. I don’t want him to wander off to try to find solace in the arms of someone who will care nothing for his soul.

There is only one person I trust him—and our son, Matthew—to, and that’s you.

Love him, Caroline. Love him forever. For me. For our son. For you. For him.

When the time is right, show him this letter. Thank you for this, Caroline. This is such a difficult time.

Your friend always,

Christelle

7

May, 1925

Ashton Park

CHRIS

I HAVE TOLD HIM.

CAROLINE

Christelle sat on the couch with the telegram in her hand. Todd Turpin had brought it, his collar turned up against the May Day rainstorm as he trudged through mud puddles to the cottage in the ash grove. He’d asked how she was feeling, and she’d told him she was much better. He had not been gone five minutes before pain cut into her stomach. She bent double as she tried to get her breath.

Her three-year-old looked up from where he was sitting on the floor playing with wooden blocks.

She forced a smile. “I’m fine, Matthew, my darling. Just a game,
oui
? A game mommy likes to play.” She rested on the couch until her breath came smoothly and deeply. Then she put her son down for his nap, returning to the couch to think as she stared into the flames in the fireplace. She heard the front door of their cottage open. She turned, thinking it might be Victoria or Lady Preston.

Kipp caught her up in his arms, the wetness of his clothes pressing against her cotton dress as he kissed her. His blonde hair had been
flattened and darkened by the wintry storm. The moisture was cool on her face, but she also felt the heat of his tears. She patted him on the back.

“Shh…” she soothed. “Shh, my love.”

“I don’t understand.” He could hardly get the words out. His voice was rough and low, making it difficult to hear. “I don’t understand any of this,” he whispered.

“Sit with me.” She took him to the couch and held him as she spoke, now and then kissing his head and face softly, moving her fingers over his cheeks and through his wet and tangled hair. “The doctor made the diagnosis in the fall. I asked him to keep it in strictest confidence because I wanted the winter to be happy. I wanted you flying, Victoria to be joyful about having her baby in May, and Lord Preston and Edward in London making their speeches. What good would all the moping and fussing have done if I’d announced it sooner, my love? It would not stop the cancer that is all through me. So as long as I could tell everyone it was a bad illness that was hard to treat during the cold weather, I decided to do that.”

“We have to tell Mother and Father,” Kipp choked out. “There may be places we can take you in Paris or Madrid…or in America.” He stroked her hair in a clumsy fashion, his eyes dark. “I will cable Michael and Libby right away. In New York we can—”

“
Non, non
, Kipp. I told you. The cancer is everywhere. It cannot be cured. It’s not in just one place where you can feel. It’s inside me all over. I can feel it everywhere. It was this way when the doctors discovered it.”

“Chris, I can’t just watch you die in front of my eyes without trying something…without doing something.”

“I want you to love me, and cherish me, and rock me. Trust me, that will be the best blessing.”

“A blessing?” Kipp framed her small face with his damp hands. “How can you say that?”

“Christians say they wish to be with God,
oui
? But when it comes time to die, they do not want it to happen so soon. If I cannot stay here with a good mind and a strong body, I wish to be with God. It’s better for you, and me, and Matthew.”

“No! No, it’s not.”

“I will become less and less of me, so yes it is, my darling.” She kissed each of his eyes. “That is why I asked Caroline to love you. You will need her after I am gone. You will need someone who loves you. She is someone I trust, and knowing she will be helping you makes this easier for me.”

His body stiffened. “How can you expect me to turn to her, to betray my love for you?”

“You will not betray me. I want you to return her love, to love her. I asked her to let you know she still loves you and will love you when I’m gone.”

“How could you ask her that?”

“I do not want you and Matthew to be alone. And I don’t want you bringing home a woman I don’t know to love you and Matthew. I think a great deal of Caroline. Matthew likes her and he likes Charles.”

“I want nothing to do with Caroline. I feel as if she played with my heart, trying to draw me to her when I still have you.”