Beneath This Man (26 page)

He pushes himself up on his hands and it’s only now I notice he doesn’t wince. ‘Your hand!’ I cry.

He lifts it up and I can still see slight bruising, but the swelling has subsided massively. ‘It’s fine. Sarah had me keep ice on it for most of the afternoon.’

What?

‘Sarah?’ I blurt without thinking about what tone I should use. It comes out accusingly.

He frowns at me, and I hate myself for sounding so shocked. ‘She was just being a friend.’ he says coolly, but this only heightens my concern. She would have seen his marked wrists. It wouldn’t take much intelligence to figure out where they had come from. Another woman looking after him doesn’t sit well, and the fact that it’s pouty lips really has my jealous streak racing to the surface. She has made it obvious that she doesn’t like me, at the same time making it perfectly obvious that she really likes Jesse. And the women of The Manor will probably treat me with the same brusqueness and …my head hurts. 

I suddenly feel extremely uncomfortable with my possessiveness. Good God, I ridicule Jesse for this. I’m a bloody hypocrite and the way he is staring down at me, gaging my mood, isn’t helping. He’s a very desirable man, who assaults women with that fucking smile and has them in puddles at his feet.

I wriggle underneath him to get free and he obliges, letting me up on a frown. I head straight for the bathroom and immerse myself in the hot bath. I’m really not comfortable with these feelings. I’ve never been jealous in my life. I’m going to be fighting women off on a daily basis. That’s a full time job in itself. Maybe I will need to retire.

‘Has someone got a touch of the green eyed monster?’

I look up and see him stood in all of his naked glory by the bathroom doorway. ‘No.’ I scoff. I couldn’t be more obviously jealous if I tried.

He walks over to the bath and steps in behind me, lowering his body until I’m cradled between his legs. He drapes his arms over my shoulders and pulls me back to rest on his chest. ‘Ava, you are the only woman for me,’ he says softly in my ear. ‘And I am all yours.’ He picks up the natural sponge from the edge of the bath, dips it to soak up some water, and then starts running it across my breasts.

‘You need to tell me more about yourself.’

I feel his chest lift on a sigh. ‘What do you want to know?’

‘Is The Manor strictly business or have you mixed it with pleasure?’ I’m pleased with my forward tone. I know he has mixed it with pleasure because Mr Creep who got roughed up by Jesse the day I found out about The Manor’s happenings said as much. And so did Sam, for that matter. Then why am I asking? I feel my blood begin to boil with bitterness.

The sponge pauses between my breasts for a few seconds, but then he continues smoothing it over my body. ‘Dive straight in, why don’t you.’ he says dryly.

‘Tell me.’ I press.

He sighs, so heavily I almost turn around to glare at him, just so he knows I don’t appreciate his bored reaction to my question. ‘I’ve dabbled.’ he says irritably.

Dabbled?

I’m not sure I like the sound of dabbling, especially in this area of enquiry. ‘Are you still dabbling?’

‘No!’ He’s truly defensive.

‘When was the last time you dabbled?’ I don’t think I want to know this. Why am I asking these questions? His sponge strokes pause again. Please don’t tell me he has to think about this.

‘Way before I met you.’ He continues caressing me with the sponge.

‘How long before you met me?’ I need to shut up. I really don’t want to know this stuff, but damn, I can’t stop the stupid questions flying out.

‘Ava, does it matter?’ he’s annoyed.

‘Yes.’ I retort quickly. No, actually, it doesn’t, but his short, huffy answer is prickling my curiosity.

‘It wasn’t regular.’ He’s doing his best to avoid this.

‘That didn’t answer my question.’

‘Is anything I tell you going to change the way you feel about me?’

That question has me prickling further. What has he done? ‘No.’ I say, but I’m not so sure now. He clearly thinks it will.

‘So, can we drop it? It’s in my past with a whole heap of other stuff, and I would rather leave it there.’ His tone is final. I feel slighted. ‘There is only you. End of.’ He kisses the back of my head. ‘When are we moving you in?’

I groan inwardly. He fucked that sense into me as well. I notice all of this so called sense he’s fucking into me, only makes sense to him. ‘I’m here.’ I remind him.

‘I mean your stuff,’ he pinches my nipple. ‘Don’t be clever.’

I roll my eyes. I need to retrieve the rest of my stuff from Matt, and I have a ridiculous amount of clothes at Kate’s, even after my brutal clear out, but I’m still not sure that this is a good idea. ‘I’ve got to pick up the rest of my stuff from Matt.’ Did I really just say that out loud?

‘No, you fucking won’t!’ he shouts in my ear, and I recoil at his booming voice. Obviously, I did. ‘I’ll send John. I told you, you won’t see him again.’

Right, I’m dropping this right now. I’m not going to get anywhere with it; I’m not stupid. John’s not going, and I’ve already arranged it, anyway. He will never know. Well, he will, when I’ve got my stuff, but it will be too late for him to stop me by then.

I think of something else. ‘Tell me where you went when you disappeared on me.’

He tenses beneath me. ‘No.’ He spits the word out fast.

Okay, now I’m getting mad. I turn myself over to lay on his front so he is forced to look me in the eyes. ‘The last time you held back on me, I left you.’

His eyes widen slightly, but then narrow. He knows I’ve got him. ‘I locked myself in my office.’

‘For four days?’ I ask doubtfully.

‘Yes, for four days, Ava.’ He looks past me, refusing to meet my eyes.

‘Look at me.’ I demand harshly.

His eyes fly to mine in obvious shock at my order. ‘Excuse me?’ he almost laughs. It’s patronising, and I don’t appreciate it.

‘What were you doing in your office?’ I ask. Oh heck, why don’t I just shut the hell up?

‘Drinking. There. That’s what I was doing. I was trying to drown out thoughts and images of you with vodka. Are you happy now?’ He tries to shift me from his body, but I tense from top to toe in an attempt to make myself a dead weight.

He was drinking? Was he unconscious for four days like he was when I found him on Friday? Oh, now I just feel incredibly guilty.

I fight with him, pushing his slippery body back down into the bath. He gives in and lets me. I know he could overpower me if he wanted to, so he doesn’t really want to escape. I slide my body up his so our noses meet.

He lifts his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’ he whispers, and I fall apart all over him, taking his mouth urgently, a silent message that I don’t care. ‘I’m so sorry, baby.’

‘Please, don’t.’ I push myself into him, tackling his mouth, desperate for him to know that I couldn’t care less. I feel responsible…guilty.

‘When I saw those bruises on your arms, I realised I was in deep, Ava. Way too deep.’

‘Shhhh.’ I hush him, covering his whole face with my mouth, kissing every square inch of him. ‘Enough, now.’

He cups my bum and pulls me up, burying his face between my breasts. ‘It won’t happen again, I’ll kill myself before hurting you again.’

He doesn’t have to use such strong words. I understand. He’s regretful. I am too. I should never have walked away from him. I should have stayed, thrown him in a cold shower and sobered him up. ‘I said enough, Jesse.’

‘I love you.’

‘I know you do. I’m sorry too.’

He releases his hold and I slide back down his body until we’re eye to eye. ‘What have you got to be sorry for?’

I shrug. ‘I wish I hadn’t left you.’

‘Ava, I don’t blame you for walking out on me. I deserved that, and if anything, it will only make me more determined not to drink. Knowing I could lose you is enough of a motivation, trust me.’

‘I’ll never walk away from you again. Never.’ I affirm.

He smiles lightly. ‘I hope you don’t because I’d be finished.’

‘I would be finished too.’ I say quietly, running my hands through his hair. I need him to know the feeling is completely mutual.

‘Okay, neither of us is walking away. That’s clear.’ He pushes his lips to mine softly.

‘Are you hungry?’ I ask against his lips. We need to change the direction of this conversation. We’ve said enough.

‘Yes, are you going to cook me a well-balanced meal?’

I smile around his lips. ‘I’m tired. Can we get a well-balanced take away?’

‘Absolutely. You soak, I’ll order dinner.’ He props me up and gets out of the bath.

Tub talk today has been insightful and strangely satisfying. He’s opening up.

After a not so well-balanced Chinese takeaway, I curl up on the sofa under Jesse’s arm. He strokes my hair as he watches some MotoGP programme. It’s obviously a passion, judging by the intensity of his concentration on the television. I snuggle and wonder what tomorrow will bring. He’s already negotiated lunch with one of his mind boggling sense fucks. I could refuse, but then I would only be setting myself up for a reminder fuck. Would that be so bad?

I start to doze off and my semi-conscious mind homes in on his unknown activities at The Manor. Is it really compulsory for me to know every little detail? I believe him when he says I’m the only woman for him, I really do, so picking his brains on ex-lovers is not going to get me anywhere, apart from unreasonably jealous. The thought of him with another woman makes me feel physically sick. He’s a full grown man of a certain age – of which I now know – and a mouthwatering one at that. His sexual conflicts are probably plentiful, but they are in the past, just like he said. Here and now is all that matters, and I am here, and I’m now.

‘Come on, lady.’ I’m gathered up into his arms and carried upstairs to bed. I hardly stir as he strips me down and deposits me in his bed, climbing in next to me and pulling me into his hard chest. ‘I love you.’ he whispers, and because speech has evaded me, I just snuggle closer to him.

I open my eyes and it’s still dark. I’m vaguely aware of the bed vibrating under me, and I’m wet.

What the hell?

It takes me a few moments, but when awareness finally hits me, it really hits me hard. I scramble over to flick the lamp on and the light slams into my eyes like gravel. I squint to gain focus and find Jesse sat up in bed rocking back and forth with his knees clenched to his chest. Holy shit, he’s drenched and his pupils are huge black saucers. He looks petrified. I throw myself over to him. Should I cuddle him?

‘Jesse?’ I speak quietly, not wanting to startle him. He doesn’t respond. He just continues with the rocking, but then he starts mumbling.

‘I need you.’ he says quietly.

‘Jesse?’ I place my hand on his arm and shake him gently. He looks so scared. ‘Jesse?’

‘I need you, I need you, I need you.’ He repeats the mantra over and over. I want to cry.

‘Jesse, please,’ I plead. ‘Stop, I’m here.’ I can’t bear to see him like this. He’s shaking uncontrollably and sweat is pouring from his brow, his frown line by far the deepest I have ever seen it. I try to position myself in his line of sight, but he doesn’t acknowledge me. He just carries on with the rocking and mumbling, staring straight through me. He’s asleep. I pull his legs down away from his body and climb onto his lap, wrapping my arms around his sodden back, holding him as tight as I can. I don’t know if he is aware, but his arms come up and grip me, and his face buries deep into my neck.

We sit like this forever. I whisper in his ear, hoping he will recognise me and snap out of his night terror. Is that what this is? I have no idea. He is definitely not awake, I know that much.

‘Ava?’ he mumbles in my neck after an age. His voice is cracked and throaty.

He’s awake. ‘Hey, I’m here.’ I pull back and cup his face with both of my hands. His eyes search mine, looking for something. I’m not sure what.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘What are you sorry for?’ He’s worrying me even more now.

‘For everything.’ He falls back, taking me with him so I’m lying across his wet chest. My body is soaking, but I don’t care.

My head rests on his chest and I listen as his heart rate slows. ‘Jesse?’ I say nervously. He doesn’t answer. I lift my head to look at him and see he’s fast asleep, looking peaceful. What was that all about?

I lay on him for hours, my mind racing with reasons for him to be sorry. Bloody Hell, maybe I am reading too much into this. There’s plenty for him to be sorry for. Lying to me, deceiving me, drink, his unreasonableness, his possessive streak, his neurotic behaviour, trampling my meeting today, his…

I doze off, running through all of the reasons why Jesse could be sorry.

Chapter 13

‘I love you.’

I feel familiar lush lips brush over mine as I come round, and I open my eyes to Jesse’s stunning face suspended above me. ‘Wake up my beautiful girl.’

I raise my arms over my head and stretch. Oh, that feels good. I blink up at him and note he’s dressed. My sleepy brain quickly registers that with Jesse dressed already, there is no danger of being dragged around London on one of his punishing runs.

‘What time is it?’ I croak.

‘You’re fine, it’s only six thirty. I’ve got a few early supplier meetings at The Manor. I needed to see you before I go.’ He leans down and kisses me, and I get a taste of his minty breath.

Supplier meetings? What sort of supplies would that be? I snap a lid on those thoughts immediately. It’s too early and anyway, if it is six thirty, then it really does mean it’s too late for a fourteen mile trip around London, so I couldn’t care less what supplies they could be.

‘My eyes don’t have to be open for
you
to see
me
.’ I complain, as I reach around his back and pull him down. He smells yummy.

‘Come and have breakfast with me.’ He pulls me up from the bed, and I wrap my naked body around him in my usual chimp-ish fashion. ‘You’re creasing me.’ he says with zero concern, carrying me out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen.

‘Put me down then.’ I bite back. I know he won’t.