Bent But Not Broken (18 page)

'There's more, Abigail,' I prompted again. 'What happened when you got home?' I asked.

'As soon as we got in the front door Mum ripped into me. She was furious! She screamed at me that I was a total bitch and was jealous of her happiness and would do anything to destroy it! She was yelling and crying at the same time. And then she did something she had never done before – she slapped me across the face. Really hard,' Abigail said angrily.

'What did you do?' Did you hit her back?' I asked.

Abigail looked at me like I was completely stupid.

'Of course not. I just went to my room,' she said sadly.

'Are you sad now?'

'Yes! And angry!' she replied.

'I think your feelings are completely justified, Abigail,' I said.

Again I saw the young girl trapped inside Abigail. She looked at me with just a glimmer of hope.

'Do you believe me?' she asked in a little voice.

'Yes,' was my unequivocal reply. I knew being believed was the key to unpacking her trauma. 'I always have,' I added.

'Yeah, well you'd be the only one.' Said with so much pain.

'So what did you do?' I prompted again.

'I decided to kill myself.'

'That must have been a terrible place to be in, Abigail.'

'Well what choice did I have?' she said angrily. 'I knew it was true, but no-one would believe me! Not even my own mother! How else could I make it stop?' she shouted.

'What did you do?' I asked.

'I sat on my bed and thought first about running away. But I had nowhere to go. I had seen stuff on the TV about runaways ending up in prostitution and drugs. I couldn't face that!' she said. 'So I decided to kill myself,' she said in a resigned voice.

'How did you decide to do it?' I asked.

'I thought about hanging, but we didn't have any rafters in our house. Then I thought about getting into the bath and cutting my wrists. I'd seen that on the TV too. It didn't look so bad.'

'But you didn't do that, did you?' I said.

'No. I sat in the bath with the box cutter for ages. Until the water got cold. But I just couldn't do it,' she whispered.

'I am very glad that you didn't,' I said.

'I was being a coward,' she whispered. 'Cutting hurts. I held the box cutter against my wrists and tried and tried. But even with that I failed!' was her angry self-damnation.

'It wasn't cowardice, Abigail. It was that little bit of you that wanted to live. That little voice inside you that was telling you things will get better,' I added.

'Well, the voice was too little,' she said miserably. 'I had no way out. So I swallowed everything in the medicine cabinet.'

'But you did not die,' I said, stating the obvious.

'I couldn't even do that right!' she said, clearly disgusted with herself. 'I woke up in hospital with a really sore throat,' she said.

'Was it explained to you what they did?' I asked.

'I suppose so, but I didn't care. I was pissed off that I was alive and would have to go home,' she said.

'Did this suicide attempt change your mother's mind?' I asked.

Abigail had returned to her defensive position – scrunched as far back into her chair as possible, with the cushion clamped across her chest. Her eyes had that far-away stare. She was deep in the memory.

'Mum took me home from hospital. She didn't speak to me at all during the journey. When we got home she rounded on me like before. She screamed and yelled. She called me terrible names. She said she didn't know this horrible girl I had become. She said I was trying to destroy her. It was terrible. Even worse than before,' Abigail said so sadly.

'Worse? Why worse?' I asked – even though I knew. I needed Abigail to get the memories out of her head and into the open. It was the only way that we could begin to reform them.

'Because after that he knew he could do anything to me,' she said in such a resigned voice. 'He knew for sure that no-one would ever believe me.'

With this disclosure Abigail burst into tears. She sobbed and sobbed. I was witnessing the breaking of the dam walls she had so carefully constructed, and protected with her very life.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Jenny had a family visit on Saturday. She came back very upset. She was clutching her doll so tightly I thought it's a good thing it isn't a real baby – because she would have choked it! One of the nurses sat with her for ages, talking quietly until she had calmed down. We were all watching and listening, of course. There's no privacy in here.

Suzy and I were playing a game of chess, but we were really trying to hear what was going on. We like Jenny, and feel protective towards her. That's the only reason I can think of why Mad Rachel got close to us without our noticing. She leaned over my shoulder and changed the move I had just made. How bloody rude! She's got no fucking idea, that one. I nearly jumped out of my skin!

'That was the wrong move,' she said. 'Do this. You'll have Suzy in checkmate in two moves,' she announced.

I was rigid with fear. She was in my personal space – and I hadn't even seen her coming! I have a pretty good nose for shits and usually know where they are. Doctor Harry talked some psychobabble about being in a heighted anxiety state. That's crap. I have had to develop a sense of where danger is, and avoid it as fast as I can. Nothing special. But what had me frozen was that I had let Mad Rachel get behind me without being aware of it. Terrible images flashed through my head. She could stab me with something! She could break my neck! At the very least she could punch me and there was nothing I could do about it. Yeah, I was shitting bricks! My heart was racing and I couldn't get enough air. Part of me was wondering if I was having a panic attack. I was remembering what Beth had said. But then I realised it wasn't a panic attack. It was sheer terror!

Later Suzy told me that I had gone completely still, and that my eyes were as big as plates. She teased me that I was sweating like a pig. She always knows how to cheer me up.

'Can I play the winner?' Mad Rachel asked as she moved from behind me to look at the board.

I still couldn't do anything. 'Sure,' Suzy said. 'Just let me finish Abigail off and I'll take you on,' she replied.

That broke the spell. I just got up and flopped into a bean bag. They had a
Pirates of the Caribbean
movie on. I pretended to watch it while I was trying to pull myself together.

After lunch we were allowed outside. It felt strange without Kayla. She and Jenny would often spend this time together, sitting at the picnic tables under the tree. Jenny looked so alone. I figured that it would be too hard for Beth, so I went over to her.

'What's up, Jen?' I asked. No point in being subtle in here. Everyone knows everything, one way or another.

'Mum and Dad both came today,' she said sadly. 'I knew something was wrong. Usually it's just one of them each weekend,' she whispered.

I didn't ask if she was okay, because she was so obviously distressed. She had her doll in such a death grip that her knuckles were white. 'So what was it about?' I prompted.

'They told me that my brother has been charged, and I will have to go to court!' With this she burst into gut wrenching sobs. I held her while she cried and cried. The orderly was keeping an eye on us, but I shook my head to tell him to keep his distance. I knew from group that her brother had been taken out of their home by DHS. I didn't know what they'd done with him, though. I hoped that wherever he was, he was being raped! Prick!

When I was talking it over after lights out with Suzy, she said it would be a closed hearing in Juvenile Court because of Jenny's age. What I couldn't get out of my head was the idea of her standing in a witness box, hugging her doll, and being forced to tell everything. No wonder the poor kid was crying! I don't think I could face something like that, and I'm sixteen.

Sorry, Crystal. It's hard not to get involved with the girls in here. I know we're all fucked up in different ways. But we are kind of a family, I guess. When one of us is in so much pain, we all feel it.

Love,

Abigail

 

 

CASE FILE #2794 ABIGAIL LEE MANUS D.O.B. 02/04/1998

ENTRY 44: 9/06/2014

Abigail would not look at me after she had chosen her book. This I expected. She had relived so many terrible experiences that I would only be natural that she would be extremely nervous about how I would treat her today. She has had all weekend to stew over what she has disclosed. Perhaps she was wondering if I, like the other adults in her life, would not believe her? I thought this was an important point to clarify from the very start of our session today.

'You have told me what has happened to you, Abigail,' I said kindly. 'And I believe you completely.'

With this, she raised her head and did look at me.

'Really?' in her small voice.

'Really.'

'Then why didn't they?' she asked, her anger rising.

'Have your friends ever told you something that you just can't get your head around?' I asked.

She thought for a few moments. 'Yeah. One of my friends was in love with a total loser,' she said. 'We all tried to tell her that he was a waste of space, but she wouldn't listen to us,' she expanded.

'Perhaps what you were saying was similar?' I prompted.

'I don't get what you mean!' she said angrily. 'It's not the same at all!' she shouted.

'No, your situation was much worse. But what interests me is how you felt when your friend wouldn't listen to your advice,' I added.

'I was mad at her. Why couldn't she see that what we were trying to tell her was true?' she said.

'So what you are saying is that she didn't believe you,' I responded.

'Yeah, I guess.'

'Did you wonder at the time why she wouldn't listen to you?' I asked.

'He blinded her. She couldn't see anything that she didn't want to,' she explained.

Abigail gave one of those expressive teenager shoulder shrugs. Loosely translated: whatever!

'Has it occurred to you that your mother was blinded too?' I asked.

Now we really were getting into dangerous waters for Abigail. She shrank back into her chair. But at least she kept staring at me. I could see her sorting and filtering – perhaps starting to see the situation from her mother's point of view?

'You have told me that George completely swept you all off your feet,' I said.

'Yeah, he had us all fooled – hook, line and sinker!' was her angry reply.

'So he fooled your mother too?' I probed.

'She should have believed me! She's my mother! That's her job!' Abigail shouted.

'Yes, I agree. But maybe she couldn't get her head around what you were trying to tell her, Abigail. Just like your friend,' I added.

'But she's an adult! She should be able to know the truth when she hears it!'

'Adults can be fooled too, Abigail,' I said softly. 'Maybe it was not so much that your mother did not believe you – perhaps it was more that she could not think that something so terrible could be going on without her knowing?'

This clearly was a different perspective for Abigail. She had for so long thought of her mother as part of her betrayal. I was trying to introduce the concept that she too was betrayed by George. Abigail frowned, struggling with this new way of looking at her mother's role in her abuse.

'I suppose so,' was her sad reply.

'Try to think about it like this, Abigail. Your mother was swept off her feet by this cunning and manipulative man. He used his charm and money to mask his true self. And all three of you were deceived,' I said.

Again the frown. For Abigail this was a totally new way of thinking.

'I know this is going to be hard for you to accept, Abigail. 'But can you see that your mother was also a victim of abuse?' I asked.

'She married him!' Abigail yelled. 'She brought him into our lives! She wasn't raped over and over! How can you even say that?' she screamed at me

'You are right. Your mother did bring him into your lives. But did she know what she had let into your lives? Do you think she knew what he was going to do to you?' I asked quietly.

'No, she didn't,' Abigail said sullenly.

'He abused her trust,' I said. 'He abused her love. He abused you all,' I said.

'He didn't touch Crystal!' was her firm response. 'I made sure of that!' she exclaimed.

Now it was my turn to stop and reflect. What had Abigail really said? How could she be so sure that he did not sexually abuse Crystal? A truly terrible scenario is forming in my mind. No wonder Abigail has kept her secret so closely guarded.

Dr. Harry Nightingale

 

 

 

Dear Crystal,

Today I did the water aerobics thing. I haven't been doing much exercise, and am getting a bit flabby. So I thought I'd give it a go. It was worth it just to see the look of astonishment on the fit lady's face! Her name is Eve. I've known that all along. I guess I've been a bit oppositional with her. When I joined in she smiled at me, but didn't make a fuss. Probably for the best.

I can't tell you why I decided to cooperate with her. I was missing Tamara, I suppose. She was so fat that when she bounced around she made tidal waves! It used to remind me of when Mum took us to the pool in the city. What a great day out that was! She let us run amok on the slides and the jumping castle things. Do you remember how she was always ready to catch you when you fell off? I think I only got all the way through the really hard one once. I felt like a champion!

When we said we wanted a go in the diving pool, Mum went there too – ready to catch you when you pin dropped off the one metre board. You did it so often I reckon Mum must have come out all wrinkly by the time we left!

I got sick of the little board, so when Mum was helping you to the side of the diving pool, I snuck up to the three metre board. The first time I went off it I couldn't decide if I was going in head first, or feet first. So of course I did a belly whacker that left me with a red stomach for hours. Shit, it hurt!