Bent not Broken (108 page)

“If you happen to hear from her first, will you please let me know?”

With a tight smile, he nods again. “You know I will,” he says before turning to walk back to the small group gathered by the fire pit.

Chapter 23

Jess

It’s hard to believe that two short weeks ago I agreed to move myself across the country for an internship, leaving behind the few things in my life that I have ever loved. It didn’t take much thought for me, honestly. Gabe deserves better than me, at least better than the “damaged me.” He deserves someone who isn’t so damaged, someone that is whole and can love him without the insecurities I have, that I will probably always have.

I know that I will never love anyone the way I love him, ever. Maybe I’m making irrational and impulsive life decisions right now by pushing Gabe away, and moving from the only family I have ever known, but this is what I have to do, for him and for me.

I’m planning to leave early in the morning. Hopefully, I can slip out of town unnoticed. Not that anyone would notice I’m gone anyway, aside from the Garcias, whom I haven’t seen in over a month.

Stretching a piece of packing tape over the last box, I seal it up and push it away with my feet. I lean back against my bed, pulling my knees to my chest, and take in the sight of my bedroom. I’ve spent more time in this room the last three weeks than I have in all of the last fourteen years. The light pink walls are faded and in need of new paint. The hardwood floor could stand a good cleaning and polish. As of late, this room has been my haven, and a small part of me is sad to leave the comfort of its confines.

Grabbing the small blue and white plaid keepsake box, I pop the lid off. I know I’m torturing myself, but maybe it will be cathartic; a symbolism to my fresh start. Rummaging through the contents, I can’t help but smile and tear up at the memories one small box can hold. Ticket stubs to the Train concert Gabe and I went to a couple of months ago, pictures from Santa Barbara, notes he had hidden in my backpack, and the ring he had given me for Christmas; a promise to our future. I shoved the ring in the box the day I asked him to let me go.

Tears fall down my cheeks as I shuffle through all the pieces of my life that mean so much to me and shove them back into the box, except for the ring. Standing up, I unclasp the white gold delicate chain that hangs around my neck with a small diamond cross and slide the ring onto it. Reaching around my neck, I clasp the necklace and tuck the cross and ring under my t-shirt. I slide my hand to my chest and feel the cross and ring beneath the palm of my hand. Pressing it against my heart, I know that is where Gabe will be forever.

I know I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Angelica and John. It’s been killing me all week, knowing I was going to have to talk to them. I haven’t seen them since before I went for that run. Glancing at the alarm clock on my nightstand, I see that it’s almost eight o’clock. Mustering up the courage, I grab my jacket and throw it on over my t-shirt and slide my feet into a pair of Toms. I look at myself in the full-length mirror that hangs on my bedroom wall and take note of what I look like—I’m a mess. I’m just going to go say goodbye, and I’m making it fast, so this will have to do.

Locking the door behind me, I step down the stairs from my porch, stopping suddenly when I see the street lined with cars. They haven’t had a get-together in months. My chest tightens as my eyes scan the cars, and I see Ava’s, Adrian’s, and Luke’s, along with a few others I don’t recognize. As much as I want to see Gabe, I don’t think I have the strength, and my anxiety lessens slightly when I don’t see his truck parked in the driveway, or on the street.

Shuffling across the street, I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket. I’m so nervous and scared, and for the first time since I decided to leave, a wave of nausea overcomes me. Standing at the front door, I raise my hand and knock lightly. I think to myself that if I knock lightly enough, maybe they won’t hear me. I can then leave, knowing that I tried, but was unsuccessful in seeing them. I owe them more than a half-hearted attempt though, so I knock again, this time a bit harder. It seems so weird to knock on the door of a home that was basically mine for over fourteen years. Where I could walk in anytime unannounced. It was my home.

The door cracks open slightly, and there stands John with a look of disbelief on his face. A small smile washes over his face as the door opens wider, and he pulls me into the house and into his arms, squeezing me tightly. Pulling my hands out from my pockets, I wrap my arms around him in return. This is the first real touch I’ve encountered in weeks. Tears fill my eyes and a lump forms in my throat.

“
Mija
, we’ve missed you,” he says, tightening his squeeze. It’s a comforting embrace, and hearing John call me “
Mija
” warms my heart. They have always considered me their daughter and have never treated me as anything less.

“I’ve missed you too,” I choke out as a tear slips from the corner of my eye. Pulling out of John’s strong arms, I wipe my cheeks with my fingers and take a deep breath to calm myself.

“Sit down, please.” John motions to the couch.

“I can’t,” I say, dropping my eyes to the floor. “I just came to say goodbye.” That lump is back, stuck in the back of my throat, stopping me from saying anything further.

“Goodbye?” he questions me.

I nod my head in short, fast movements. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’ve taken an internship on the East Coast,” I say, my hands fidgeting. I’ve always looked to him for guidance and support, and here I am, just telling him what I’m doing.

He stands, looking at me as he nods his heads slowly, running a hand over his face. Looking up, I notice Angelica standing in the entryway between the living room and kitchen. She’s wiping her hands on a dishtowel.

“Why so far away?” she questions me as she walks towards me, closing the distance between us.

Shrugging my shoulders, I can feel my chin quiver as I force the words, “I just have to.” Not able to say anything else, the tears overtake me again and Angelica is now pulling me into a hug.

“
Mija
, please,” she begs, hugging me and rubbing my back. “We are here for you.
All
of us.” I know that she is implying Gabe as well when she says “all of us.”

“I know,” I whisper back.

“Then stay. Let us help you,” she pleads with a whisper in my ear.

“I can’t. I have to do this,” I say, trying to pull out of her arms. She won’t let go, and her hands are now holding my upper arms. Running her eyes over me from head to toe, she studies every inch of me as if it’s the last time she’ll see me, and it very well may be.

“When is the last time you ate? You look too skinny,” she says, releasing my arms. She offers me a kind smile and a gentle kiss to my cheek before she turns and heads into the kitchen.

“I should go,” I whisper to John. Standing there, with his arms at his side, he nods his head and looks back towards the kitchen.

“There are a few folks out back who would be disappointed if they didn’t get to say ‘goodbye’ to you.” I swallow hard, knowing who he means. “They’ve been worried sick about you. You stopped taking their calls and returning their text messages. I hope you will at least go say ‘goodbye’ to them.”

I know I owe them this. At the very minimum, I owe my best friend, my sister, a goodbye. I nod my head in agreement and move slowly towards the kitchen to the patio door. Just as I’m almost out of the living room, John’s words stop me. “You know you can always come home to us. We will always be here for you.”

Looking over my shoulder at the man who was more of a dad to me than my own, I offer him a small smile. “Thank you,” I say as I walk into the kitchen. There stands Angelica at the kitchen sink, her hands resting on the counter as she stares through the window into the dark backyard. I’m met with the most mouthwatering aromas as I stand there and watch her. Everything I ate growing up with the Garcias was spread across the counters: enchiladas, tacos, rice, beans. My stomach immediately growls in hunger, but stops quickly when I see the patio door and realize I have to walk out back and say goodbye to Ava.

I reach for the patio door handle, but stop again to look at Angelica. I can’t help but smile at the woman who raised me, taught me how to cook, comforted me while I was sick, went to my school conferences, and is the closest person I’ll ever have to a mom. For almost fifteen years, she has cared for me like I was her own. Looking at her, I am comforted by her presence, and for the first time, I’m feeling sad to leave the Garcias behind.

Turning back to the door, I grasp the handle and slide it open. Stepping onto the stained concrete patio, I can hear the sounds of laughter and conversation from the small groups of friends gathered around the fire pit. I scan the backyard, looking for Ava, and find her snuggled under Adrian’s arm.

As I take in the group of people gathered around the fire pit, my heart thuds rapidly with nervousness but nearly stops altogether when I see him. Gabe has his arms wrapped around a tall, blonde woman, embracing her in a hug. She looks to be around his age and is pencil thin. Her arm is thrown around his neck with her head tipped back, and she’s clearly laughing at something he said to her.

My heart sinks as I watch him pull out of the embrace with the mystery woman and I see the wide smile that covers his tan face. I can’t do this. I can’t see him with someone else. I’m not strong enough for this.
But this is what I want him to do. This is why I asked him to let me go, so he can be happy.
My hands are sweating and my eyes fill with tears. An angry heat takes over my body as I feel my chest tighten and struggle to breathe. Turning quickly, I make a run for the patio door just as a firm hand catches my elbow, stopping me before I can move any further. At the very same time that hand connects with my elbow, I hear my name.

“Jess?”

Snapping my head in the direction of the body holding me hostage, I see Luke gripping my elbow. He is clearly shocked to see me standing here in his backyard. I try to pull out of his grip, but he tightens his hand around my elbow to keep me from running away. When the sound of my name comes from Luke’s deep yet surprised voice, the backyard goes silent.

Looking back over my shoulder, I can see everyone has fixed their attention on me. Ava, Adrian, Max, Gabe, and even his leggy girl, who I now recognize as Heather, the EMT from the fire station where Dad, Gabe, and Luke all work.
How fucking convenient
. As my eyes continue to shift from person to person, Luke breaks the silence.

“How are you?”

Glaring at Gabe, who is still standing ridiculously close to Heather, I flash him the meanest look I can. I want him to know I’m pissed, even though I don’t have any right to be. I cut him loose. This is what I wanted.

“I’m...just leaving,” I say, my voice cracking. “I just came to say goodbye.” My eyes drop to the concrete patio as giant tears spill down my face.

“Goodbye? Where are you going?” Ava’s voice is frantic as she moves quickly from Adrian’s embrace over to my side. Luke still hasn’t let go of my arm, holding me firmly in place. She is now standing directly in front of me, blocking my exit to the patio door.

“I leave tomorrow,” I tell her, meeting her glossy eyes. “I’m moving out East for an internship.” I barely manage to say the words through the lump in my throat.

“Where?” she asks quietly.

“Please.” I beg her with my eyes to stop asking me questions I’m not ready to answer. “Just, out East.”

“Why? Please, stay here. I’ll transfer back. We can get through this—together.” Her voice breaks, and I watch the giant tears spill from my best friend’s eyes. Wiping them with her sleeve, she continues, “We’ll get an apartment together. Just, please don’t go.”

“I can’t,” I whisper as I watch more tears fall from her eyes. “I have to go.” I jerk my arm back, pulling away from his vise-like grip. I mouth the word “bye” to Ava, who is standing with her hands over her mouth, choking back sobs. Because I’m a glutton for punishment, or maybe because I never stopped loving him, I turn to take one last blurry look at Gabe. Even through my tears, I can see him clearly. His mouth has tightened into a straight line, and he’s stepped forward away from Heather. One of his hands is flexed into a fist and the other is holding a beer bottle that looks as if he could crush it if he squeezed it any harder. I can see the veins in his arms as he’s flexing his hand around the beer bottle.

As I turn back toward Luke and Ava, I see the side gate is open and know that this is my fastest escape out of this backyard. Taking a deep breath, I gather myself and walk quickly toward the gate, willing myself not to turn around again.

Just breathe. Just breathe
. I keep repeating this to myself over and over in my head.
Just breathe. Just breathe.
I’ve made it out of the backyard and onto the driveway safely hidden by the fence. I stop and bend over. My stomach is twisting, I feel like I’m going to vomit right here on the driveway. Since I haven’t eaten in three days, it appears I’ll just dry heave here instead.
Just breathe for fuck sake.
I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me. I try to catch my breath as my stomach coils.

As I stand up, there is a violent crash and glass breaking, along with raised voices, and seconds later, more glass breaking. Walking as fast as my legs will take me, I cross the street. Stepping onto my front patio, I turn around to look one last time across the street to the house where every good memory of my childhood resides.

Opening my front door, I step in and shut the world out again. Collapsing onto my couch, I curl myself into a ball and cry. I have no reason to be mad at Gabe. I pushed him away. I broke up with him. But it killed me to see him hugging Heather, and it hurt me to know he could move on so quickly. The vision of him hugging her is burned into my memory as I try to fall asleep.

For hours, I lie on my couch, whispering words to Gabe that he’ll never hear. How much I love him, how much he deserves to be happy, and how proud I am of him. Words he’ll never hear because I’m too weak to talk to him, and I pushed him into the arms of another woman. Sleep finally finds me as I feel the last tear roll down my face.