Bent not Broken (133 page)

“That was the goal, but something tells me we still have a few more fears to work through.”

“It’s going to take more than a snake to work through those,” I say, glancing away.

“I know, but I’m going to try.” He entwines my fingers with his and leads the way to the next animal exhibit. Sometimes I think he knows exactly what I’m holding inside, but I know paranoia has a grip on me. Even though he scares me, he awakens something within me.

After the zoo, he drives us downtown for dinner at a little pizza place. It’s been so long since I’ve had anything besides the diner, sandwiches or my mom’s rare cooking. Right now, anything different would be a treat.

We order a four-cheese pizza and two sodas before heading to a small booth by the window. Besides my daily glimpses of his life, I still know very little about Asher.

“Do you have any siblings?” I ask.

“I have a half-sister. She lives with my mom and step-dad in Chicago,” he says, rolling a napkin between his fingers.

“You miss her?”

His eyes shoot up to mine. “Every day.”

“I don’t have any siblings, so I have no idea what that feels like. Most of my old friends couldn’t stand their brothers and sisters, so I was kind of glad I didn’t have them.”

“My sister is ten years younger, so we don’t have much to fight about.”

“True. Will you get to see her again soon?” Chicago isn’t that far away.

“Look, can we talk about something else for a while?” he asks, sounding slightly irritated. I nod, but I wish he would stop tiptoeing around his past with me, but that would also mean I would have to stop tiptoeing around mine and I’m not ready to start doing that.

The waitress ends the awkwardness, placing our pizza on the table. We eat our first slices in silence, occasionally making eye contact. I usually like the peace, but with Asher I need more. It’s like the more I talk to him, the better I feel inside. How has this guy learned so much about me already? I thought I was as translucent as metal, but he sees right through me.

“Have you ever been fishing?” he asks, cutting the silence.

“My grandpa used to take me. I haven’t done it since he passed away, though. I think I was ten the last time,” I say, pulling some of the cheese back from the second slice of my pizza.

“My dad has a dock out by the lake. Come out there with me tomorrow,” he pleads, looking into my green eyes with his blue-grey ones.

The lake is pretty secluded this time of year, but I hesitate. “I don’t know.”

“Do you work tomorrow?” he asks, leaning his right arm over the back of the booth. I get a better glimpse of his tattoo as his sleeve moves up his arm, revealing a date ending in 2011, two years ago. He notices the path of my eyes and moves his arm down to his side. That must be another thing he’s not ready to talk about.

“Yeah, I work until two again,” I reply.

“I’ll pick you up at 2:30 then,” he says, standing up and reaching for my hand. “Come on, let’s get you home.” I don’t argue with him. I think if I can handle a trip out of town, I can probably handle a couple hours of fishing.

The ride back to Carrington is quiet, and it doesn’t take long before I drift to sleep with my head resting against my window. When Asher wakes me up shaking my knee, we’re already in my driveway, and I can see the light of the living room shining through the curtain. Mom must be home early tonight.

I rub my eyes and reach for the handle, but Asher wraps his hand around my forearm, stopping me. “Wait, Kate. I just wanted to tell you that I had a really good time today. I know I’m not the easiest guy to get to know, but I like hanging out with you.”

I turn toward him and watch his gaze float to my lips then back to my eyes. I’ve seen that look before, and it scares the hell out of me. “I need to go,” I say, turning to open the door.

When I make it halfway to the front steps, I turn and see him outside of his car with his forearm resting on the top of the vehicle. Even with only the light from the street lamp, I can see his eyebrows pulled together. It’s the same concerned look I saw that first day in the diner.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I reassure him as I start to walk back toward the house again. As soon as I’m inside, I lean against the door and close my eyes.

“Where have you been, Kate? I’ve been worried sick. Your car was still here, and you don’t usually go out at night,” my mom says, her voice a mixture of anger and concern. I’m not in the mood to argue with her.

“I was out with a new friend.”

“Is it that boy from the diner? You heard what Diana said,” she says, putting her hands on her hips.

“We’re just friends,” I reply as I start walking toward my room. She doesn’t spend much time being motherly, but when she does she usually picks the wrong battles. I cried my eyes out for days after I got home from Drew’s house that night, but she didn’t question my “sickness” even once. I took a shower five or six times that weekend, and she thought I was just doing it to reduce the fever I didn’t have. I’ve been a fraction of my old self for almost two years, but she barely notices. Either she didn’t know me too well before, or she doesn’t spend enough time with me now.

Or maybe I just haven’t changed as much as I thought.

“What do you know about him?” she asks, following close behind me.

“He’s really nice and he’s fun. Plus, I’m pretty sure that I’m old enough to choose my own friends!” I toss back, opening my door and closing it behind me.

She pounds on the door a couple times, but I don’t move to open it. She knows better than to come in here when I have the door closed. It’s my space, the only place to reveal my emotions without anyone seeing them.

She finally stops. “Just be careful.”

I change into my pajama shorts and a t-shirt before lying in my bed and staring at my favorite spot on the ceiling. There’s an old water spot, and if I stare at it just long enough, it looks like a flower in bloom. I’ve often laid here thinking about how similar humans are to flowers. We start out as seeds before we start to grow and at our peak we bloom. I lived most of my childhood in bloom; everything was beautiful and I had a great outlook. Things weren’t always perfect in my life, but to me, it was normal. I was naïve and Drew took advantage of that, blocking all my sunlight until I began to wilt. I’ve spent hours—days even—trying to figure out what it takes to bring a flower back to life.

I’m still not sure.

The more days that go by, the less hope I have. I’ve had a few brief moments where a few rays shined through; prom, all the time spent with Beau and my trip with Asher, but the sun always disappears again. The darkness is too powerful.

Chapter 9

When Asher pulls up in front of my house ten minutes early to take me fishing, I’m not ready. He honks a couple times before I open the front door and wave my hand at him to let him know I need five more minutes.

He jumps out of his truck and runs up to my front door, causing my heart to race. “Can I wait inside?” he asks.

My mind starts to work overtime, and all the little voices that like to speak over me are going off in my head. I haven’t been alone in a house with any guy except for Beau since everything that happened. If something were to happen right now, my mom won’t be home for at least eight or nine hours and most of my neighbors are at work. No one would hear me if something happened to me.

But I know Asher’s different, so I open the door all the way and move back to let him in. I take a few calming breaths and close the door before turning to face him. My stomach feels like I just took a wild roller coaster ride, but I’m going to see this through. It’s all about baby steps.

“I just have a few things I have to finish. The remote is on the couch if you want to watch something.”

He smiles. “I’m a little early. Take your time.”

I take several deep breaths as I head to my bedroom to change out of my pajamas. It’s been cloudy and windy all day, so I decide on a pair of black leggings and a long grey off the shoulder sweatshirt. I check my reflection in the mirror and see that my eyes are not as dark and puffy as usual. It turns out I’ve spent fewer nights with my mind lingering in the past and more thinking of Asher. He makes me look forward to my tomorrows, and he’s always pushing me to try new things.

I put my hair up to keep the wind from blowing it into my face, and then quickly brush my teeth before joining Asher in the living room. He looks tired and worn out today. If I left him alone for a few more minutes, he probably would have fallen asleep.

“Are you ready?” I ask, startling him.

He switches the TV off and stretches before standing up and walking in my direction. My breathing begins to accelerate as he moves closer with this intense, burning look in his eyes. As soon as he’s within reach, he grabs my hand in his and walks us out the door to his car. I can barely keep up, he’s moving so fast. He opens my door and waits for me to climb in before crouching down on the grass so that our eyes are level.

“You need to understand that I’d never hurt you. Every time we’re alone or I get too close to you, you look so scared of me, and I can’t stand it when you look at me like that, Kate.”

He doesn’t wait for me to respond. He stands and closes my door, leaving me speechless. I think a lot of people misinterpret my fear for sadness. I’m not a happy girl but the one thing that holds me back more than anything is the feeling that someone or something is out there waiting to cause me pain. I feel like that every single day, and it’s exhausting. I can’t believe how easily he sees through me. He’s learned more about me in one week than anyone else has picked up on in years.

He doesn’t bother looking at me when he gets into the car and puts it in drive. I relax, sinking down into my seat as we drive through town toward the lake. It’s only a ten-minute walk from my house, but Asher seems to be attached to his car. It would be nice to have in case it rains.
God, please don’t let it start raining.

As we pull up a gravel driveway, I notice Asher’s dock is on the opposite side of the lake from the beach that Beau and I frequented as kids. This side is full of houses; some big ones owned by successful business people in the area and some smaller ones used mostly for fishing. It turns out Asher’s dad has one of the smaller log cabin type homes out here. It’s cute, but I think the deck out back is bigger than the entire house.

Asher turns the car off and turns to face me. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” I smile.

It turns out fishing is more relaxing than I ever thought it could be. Instead of being nervous because it’s only the two of us, I feel comfortable, and I think I shock both of us when I laugh at Asher’s attempt to get me to put my own worm on the hook. The sun may not be out today, but I feel warmth shining through my soul as I’m able to forget everything.

It’s quiet out here. Every now and then, we hear birds fly over or the wind blowing through the long grass, but everything else is still. If you come out during the summer, the lake is packed with boats, but today we only see one small fishing boat in the distance.

My bobber goes under water, causing me to scream like a schoolgirl. I don’t remember the last time I was this excited about anything. I start to reel it in, but it must be hooked on something because my pole is bending, but the line isn’t moving.

Asher steps behind me, wrapping his arms around mine to grip the pole on either side of my hands. I take a few deep breaths to ease the grip on my chest. “Take it easy. We’re going to move it a little to the left and try it again,” he whispers, his mouth not far from my ear. He guides my hands to the left until we’re able to reel the line in. When the hook finally lifts from the water, all that’s on it is seaweed.

“So I guess I don’t have the first catch of the day,” I joke, laughing for the second time today.

“I guess not,” he laughs, keeping one hand on the pole and wrapping the other around my waist so that my back is against his chest. I close my eyes, letting myself feel the warmth of his body against mine. His fingers stroke my side, sending butterflies into flight in my stomach.

“That means I still have time to get the first catch,” he says, pressing his nose into my hair. I feel safe in his arms, and for a second I imagine myself spending more time wrapped up in them, but I quickly let the thought go. We’re just friends, and I can’t be anything more than that with anyone right now.

He surprises me by kissing the top of my head before letting me go. I feel cold, wishing I had the courage to ask him to wrap me back up again. He keeps giving me these lasting memories that make me aware of the heartbeat that still exists within me. I haven’t had these feelings in so long, and I’m not sure what to do with them.

“I think it’s time I tell you my fact for the day,” I pause, glancing down at the dock, “I haven’t laughed this much in two years.”

He stops working on the hook and seems to contemplate what I said. He’s probably wondering what happened two years ago, but he doesn’t press me. He knows what it’s like to have to keep things buried inside.

“I’m glad,” he says, returning his attention to the hook. He pulls the last bit of the slimy greens off before putting another worm on the hook and throwing it back in the water for me.

“So what’s yours?” I ask, turning to face him. He puts my pole down in a holder at the end of the dock next to his and stares down at me like something is tearing him up inside. He swallows hard, looking up to the sky, then back at me. I want to curl up in his arms and take away his uncertainty, but I can’t solve problems that I know nothing about.

His brows are pulled in as he moves closer to me and reaches his hand up to my face. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t look away from him right now. His eyes captivate me and pull me in every time I see them. Right as his hand is about to touch my face, he pulls it back to his side. His eyes move down to my lips before coming back up to meet mine.

“I really want to kiss you . . . but I don’t want to scare you away,” he whispers.

I step back to get some more space between us so that I can catch my breath. He closes his eyes tight and turns to look out onto the water. My skin tingles and that fluttery feeling is back in my stomach. If he had given me a million chances to guess what he was going to tell me today, I would never have guessed this.