Bent not Broken (151 page)

My mom stands behind the couch, looking at the old photos of Asher and his father. The distance between the two of them is even more evident in pictures; they end when Asher is really young and pick up just a few months ago when he moved back to Carrington.

“Thanks for doing this for me,” I say, pulling her into a hug. It’s little things like this that show me how much she cares for me. She would do anything for me.

“It’s not a problem. Anything you need, Kate,” she replies, squeezing me tight.

“Thank you.” I breathe in her perfume and my eyes tear up. Going through this with Asher makes me appreciate the people I have around me, especially my mom. Even through all of our struggles, I know how much she loves me and how much I love her.

“How’s Asher doing?” she asks, pulling back to look at me and my tear stained cheeks. Her eyebrows draw close together as she grabs my head in her hands. “Oh, sweetie, I wish I could take all this pain away, for both of you. I love you so much, and seeing you like this breaks my heart.”

“I just feel so helpless. I wish I could do more for him,” I cry, squeezing my eyes shut.

“You’re stronger than you know, Kate. I am so proud to call you my daughter,” she says, lightly kissing my cheek.

“I love you, Mom, in case I don’t tell you enough.”

“I love you, too.”

Three words have never been so powerful.

“I should probably get back to Asher before he wakes up. I want to surprise him with that,” I say, glancing at the cardboard box on the coffee table.

“Do you want me to stay?” she asks, gently squeezing my upper arm.

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be okay.”

“Call me if you need anything,” she says soothingly, wrapping her arms around me for another hug.

“I will.” I walk her to the door, feeling the weight in my chest getting heavier. I want her here with me. She walks down the snowy path, looking back once to give me a heart-warming smile. It’s that smile that makes me feel like I’m at home. It’s that smile I’m going to need to see a lot more of really soon.

When I walk back into the bedroom, Asher is talking on his cell phone. “I miss you too,” he says, sadly into the receiver. “Can you put mom back on?”

I quietly close the door behind me and set the box my mom brought on the dresser. Asher spots me and pats the area next to him on the bed. “Hey, Mom, I just called to see how things were going?” I watch as he nods and closes his eyes. “Mom, please don’t cry. I don’t like it either, but she can’t see me like this.”

He shakes his head, pinching his nose between his fingers. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.” He’s silent for a while, focusing his attention out the window. I would do anything to make this better for him. It’s hard to watch the person you love fall apart in front of your eyes. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later. I love you,” he says before tossing the phone on his nightstand. I give him a few minutes of silence to sort through the things that are going through his head before I crawl into bed next to him and wrap my arms around his thin waist.

We both quietly drift off to sleep. When I finally stir, it’s dark outside, and Asher’s eyes are still closed next to me. I carefully pull my arms from his waist and place my hand over his heart. It’s the same way I verify that he’s still sleeping every time I allow myself to fall asleep. I roll out of bed to open the box my mom brought over earlier. I’m hoping the item inside will make him happy, even if just for a few minutes.

I pull the turtle shaped figure out of the box and set it on the nightstand before plugging it in. It does exactly what I hoped it would do. Now I just have to wait for him to wake up and see it.

I turn it off and walk out to the kitchen to get something to drink. I’m not surprised to see Daniel sitting at the table staring off into space.

He startles when he hears my feet walking across the hardwood floors. “Hey, how’s Asher doing tonight?”

“He’s sleeping,” I answer, smiling sadly. Sleeping is what makes Asher feel the most comfortable, but I miss doing simple things like talking to him.

“Asher’s mom called earlier. She and his sister are coming to visit tomorrow,” he says, rubbing his temples with his fingertips. “I know he doesn’t want his sister to see him like this, but I think he’ll regret it if he doesn’t.”

I nod. “Do you think we should tell him?”

“No!” he exclaims, shaking his head. “He’ll only argue about it. It’s not worth it.”

“Do you know what time they’re getting in?”

“Around lunchtime.”

“Okay.” I grab a glass out of the cupboard and fill it with water. When I turn around again, Asher’s dad has his face buried in his hands. I stand next to him and hesitantly place my hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“No,” he cries, banging his hand against the table. “No parent should have to watch their child die. I’m supposed to be long gone before him, goddammit.”

My own eyes start to burn with tears. “It’s not fair, Daniel, but we have to focus on the time he has left.”

“He was so miserable before he met you. Thank you for being there for him. I think these have been some of the best months of his life, even with the cancer,” he admits, sadly. “I haven’t always been there for him, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be.”

“Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him that you love him.”

He closes his eyes tight and shakes his head. “I don’t know if he wants to hear it.”

“He needs to hear it,” I say softly as I watch him open his eyes again.

He nods, showing me the saddest smile I’ve ever seen.

“I’m going to go see if he’s awake,” I announce, patting his shoulder.

He rests his hand on mine. “Thank you for everything.”

I squeeze his shoulder and walk to Asher’s bedroom, anxious to give him his surprise. As I open the door, I see him propped up on his pillow, staring out at the dark night sky. “How was your nap?”

“About the same as the other three I’ve taken today,” he teases, trying to make light out of his situation.

“I have a surprise for you,” I smile, slowly walking toward the window.

“And what’s that?” he asks, letting the corner of his mouth turn up.

I close the curtain to block out the street lights and head toward the bed. “Close your eyes,” I instruct, reaching for the on switch for the turtle. As soon as his eyes close, I turn it on and curl next to him on the bed. “Okay, you can open them now.”

His eyes flutter open, and his hand instantly goes to his chest. “How did you do this?” he asks in an emotion-rich voice.

I point to the turtle on the nightstand. “The turtle projects constellations on the ceiling. I wanted you to see the stars.”

He pulls me into a hug, holding me as tight as he can manage against his chest. “You’re so fucking amazing.”

“It’s all because of you,” I say, feeling his heartbeat against my cheek. I see the big dipper and the small dipper . . . it really is like being outside on a blanket, staring at the night sky.

“Come here.” I lift my head and watch the stars glisten in his eyes right before he pulls my lips down to his. He grazes them before kissing each corner of my lips.

It’s a beautiful moment that can be written into my fairy tale.

****

The next morning I have a hard time concentrating on anything because I’m afraid of how Asher will react to seeing his mom and sister. Daniel has left, saying it isn’t a good idea for them to be in the same house, which leaves me to pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.

Just after noon, the doorbell rings. Asher wakes, and glances at the time on his alarm clock. “Are you expecting anyone?”

I hesitate, not sure how to answer that. “Yes, but it’s a surprise. Stay here and I’ll be right back.”

“Kate, why can’t you tell me?”

“I’ll be right back.” Taking several deep breaths, I walk to the front door, leaving my hand on the knob a few seconds before actually turning it. As soon as I do, I’m greeted by two sad smiles.

“You must be Asher’s mom and sister,” I say, reaching my hand out to greet them.

“Yes, call me Anna,” the older blonde responds. “And this is Aubrey.” The younger girl looks strikingly like Asher. She’s beautiful with blonde wavy hair and the same shade of blue eyes that Asher has.

“I’m Kate. Come in,” I say, gesturing them inside.

I want to talk to them and get to know them better, but I can tell they are crawling out of their skin, just waiting to see Asher. “Follow me,” I instruct, leading them through the living room and down the hall. Again I hesitate before opening the door. This is either going to be really good or really bad.

Thankfully, Asher’s still awake when I push the door open, and the moment he sees them in the doorway, his eyes start tearing up.

“What are they doing here?” he asks looking up at me. Panic runs through me. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. I watch as the room falls completely silent. I take a glance at Anna who has black tears running down her face. This isn’t how I imagined this reunion going.

After seconds pass, Aubrey runs to him, resting her upper body on his. Asher seems upset at first, but when he looks at his sister, he melts and wraps his arms around her. Anna stays back for a little bit, but then walks toward her son with her hand over her mouth. She’s falling into pieces, and sadly I know exactly how she feels. It does hurt . . . so much.

I stay long enough to see her grab his hand in both of hers before sneaking out to give them their space. I’m glad they’re getting this moment, and from the look on Asher’s face, I think he’s happy to have it too.

I sit quietly on the couch, listening to the tick-tock of the grandfather clock. It feels like hours pass, but it’s only because I’m anxious to know what’s going on in there. I pray we’ve made the right decision.

When the bedroom door opens, I stand up and watch the girls leave Asher’s room. Anna comes toward me, wrapping her arms around me. “Thank you for letting us come. We all needed that.”

“I would do anything to help him.”

She lets go of me, resting her hands on my upper arms. “I know, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that. Take care of yourself, Kate, and please notify me of any changes,” she says, reaching into her purse to grab me a business card.

“Thanks, I will,” I reply, taking the card from her hand. I jot my cell phone number on a card and hand it to her.

She wraps her arms around me for one more hug before walking out the door. It hits me that this may be the last time she sees Asher alive. Just the thought of it sends a shooting pain through my chest.

As I walk into Asher’s room, I’m surprised to see his anger replaced by contentment. He looks . . . appreciative.

He pats the bed beside him. “Thank you,” he whispers as I crawl in next to him.

Chapter 24

“Kate, he’s not doing well. I’m sorry, but I don’t think he’s going to make it much longer. He’ll be lucky to get through the night,” Mary, Asher’s nurse, announces with thick concern in her eyes. She’s been sweet through this entire ordeal, reminding me a lot of my grandma with her constant hugging and reassuring words. There have been days I’ve wanted to cry, but somehow found the strength to hold it in, not wanting Asher to see me fall apart. But the second Mary pulls me into her arms; I can’t be that strong girl anymore. She’s not just taking care of Asher . . . she’s guarding my own sanity under lock and key.

“Isn’t there something else you can do for him?” I ask, not able to hide how much my heart is begging for more time. No amount of hugging can soothe me right now.

She reaches up, running her hand over my hair. “No, I’m afraid not. I’m sorry. At this point, it’s all about managing the pain.”

The floor falls from under me as reality begins to set in. Whether you love someone for ten thousand minutes or ten thousand days . . . no matter how much you prepare yourself for the inevitable, thinking about it will never bruise you as much as hearing the truth.

It rings over and over in my ears as if she said it loud and slow. I want her to take it all back, or tell me this has been a bad dream, but I know it’s not. I’m not going to wake up from this. I can’t hide from it. I can’t ignore it.

This is my life.

This is Asher’s life.

Asher was admitted into the hospital last week with pneumonia. His immune system is so weak that he’s been unable to fight it. It’s like I’m watching an hourglass, holding my breath and hoping that last bit of sand doesn’t slip through. It’s a race against time that I’ve wagered inside myself . . . one that I can’t win.

I need Asher.

He gives me strength and courage. He gave me my life back. But no matter what I do, I can’t seem to give him back his own. I’d take my last breath if it meant he would never have to take his.

I love him.

I know I will love him forever and always.

Anna has been staying in town since he was admitted into the hospital. From the little time we’ve spent together, I’ve enjoyed watching her relationship with Asher. It’s just hard watching the sadness in her eyes every time she comes in to see him.

I slide into bed next to him and cuddle up against his side. He’s so thin and frail. Every once in a while, I run my fingers through his hair or trace hearts on his chest to remind him that I’m close. I stare at him for hours straight, trying to memorize every feature on his face. I often hold his hand in mine and close my eyes, letting myself feel his soft warm skin.

I recall the first day he walked into the diner and caught my attention. I remember the second time he came in and left me the first napkin note. I remember the first time we talked, the first time he made me laugh, the first time we kissed.

I will never forget him.

There was one day we talked about death. I didn’t know he had cancer then, but now, looking back, it was all a foreshadowing.

We’re sitting on the edge of the dock, looking out onto the water. We aren’t fishing; today is simply about relaxing and enjoying our time together.

“It’s beautiful out here. I could spend the rest of my life waking up to this every day,” I remark, resting my head against his shoulder.