Bent not Broken (288 page)

At that moment, I was going to turn around and walk away, but after rubbing his face, he looked my way. His entire body froze when he laid eyes on me. His lips parted and eyebrows creased. I tried to swallow a few times, but my throat was too dry. He slowly brought his arms down to the table, and his eyes remained locked with mine. Looking down, I broke from his stare. Unhurriedly, I made my way through the glass door and to him.

The entire few seconds it took me to finally reach him, I thought of how I should greet him. Do I kiss him or hug him? Either way it would feel awkward, or was I more afraid that once I hugged him, I wouldn’t let go?

I took the easy way out and just slid in the seat across from him. Not bringing my eyes to his, I waited as we sat in silence. The leg bouncing had stopped, and I watched as his hands and fingers spread and pressed down on the table. His fingernails turned white with the pressure. It was like he was keeping them from reaching out. He cleared his throat before speaking, and even though the familiar sound of his low deep voice pulled me in, I kept my eyes down. “Hi,” was all he said. It was short, yet there was so much more behind it.

It worked, that simple word forced my eyes up and to meet his again. Both of our chests moved in a matching rhythmic speed. I shied my eyes away, looking out into the parking lot away from him. I couldn’t look into those eyes and break his heart with the news I had. I began to ache, knowing that I would have to relive the emotional heart-wrenching pain all over again. Lifting my hands from my lap, I laid them on the table and looked down at them. We were a mere inch away. His fingers flexed, I stilled, and with my reaction, he brought his hands under the table, rubbing them along his thighs.

“Would you like something to drink?” His voice was low yet steady; I knew it was an attempt to get me talking. I nodded. “Tea?” he asked. When I nodded again, he stood and walked over to the front counter to order our drinks.

Exhaling deeply, I stared at his back as he stood in line. I wanted to run up to him, throw my arms around his neck, and tell him I love him so much and that the past couple weeks had been nothing but miserable without him. Then I thought of all the lies, my brother, his still working for that
man,
and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He looked over his shoulder, and a very small, crooked smile formed when he saw I was staring. Pressing his lips together, he glanced down and then focused back on the line.

Tearing away, I blankly stared out at the trees. I knew this was going to be hard to do. Even though I practiced over and over how and what I was going to say, each time I cried. In person, it would be even harder, and I knew my tears would take over, and it would be so difficult to concentrate on what I’d practiced.

Marcus returned, sliding into his chair. He placed the tea in front of me. Looking up at him, I gently smiled. “Thank you,” I said softly. He nodded while taking a sip of his coffee.

Closing his eyes, his eyebrows came together. He seemed to be thinking, and then before I could say anything, he placed the cup aside and brought his hand to mine. “Mia, I miss you so much.” He breathed out as if he were holding it in the entire time.

Searching my face, he remained still. His touch shot warm, familiar electricity through my veins. “I miss you too,” I admitted. I did. It wasn’t a lie. His eyes grew wide with hope, but I couldn’t lead him on. “
But
, that’s not why I’m here, Marcus.” His brows furrowed with confusion.

Attempting to swallow again, I bit my lip, trying to think of the best way to say this. There was no best way. No matter how I said it, it would destroy him. “Marcus, I asked you here because I thought you had a right to know in person.” Looking down at our joined hands, my eyes stung with tears.

He gently squeezed my hand. “The right to know what?”

I brought my eyes back to him, “A right to know that the night we’d gotten into the argument, that night I bled a lot. I called Dr. Lee, and when I arrived at the hospital ...” I paused to hold back my sobs as the tears rudely escaped my eyes. Still keeping his hand locked to mine, he brought the other against my face, cupping my cheek. He repeatedly stroked his thumb along the moisture. I closed my eyes, allowing slow steady breaths to calm me before opening them. “Marcus, I lost
our
baby. I miscarried.” I cried.

“
What
?” He shook his head, not wanting to believe what I just said. He searched everywhere in our area, letting out deep breaths, taking in the words, the loss. Fixing his gaze down on our hands, panting, he cocked his head to the side, studying our hold. “It’s my
fault
,” he whispered.

Squeezing his hand tighter, I lowered my head, trying to fix his eyes with mine. He didn’t stare at me. “Marcus, it’s no one’s fault.”

His eyes finally met mine, “
Oh
yeah? Then how did it happen?”

Shaking my head, I slightly shrugged. “Dr. Lee said anything could’ve happened: lack of nutrition, stress,
anything
, Marcus.”

“You were always stressed because of
me
.” He pointed at his chest with his free hand. “You were always worried about
me:
scared every other night, afraid that something would happen to
me
. Then the whole Romeo and Lou situation and the documents you found … all because of
me
, Mia.”

“Marcus, I …” I couldn’t say anything to that. Yes, it was true I was always worried sick about him, but to blame the miscarriage on him was too much. I couldn’t allow him to think it. It wouldn’t be fair to him. “Marcus it is not your fault. Things like this happen all the time; it’s normal. I’ll be fine, and so will you.”

“You went through it on your own? You must’ve been scared, and I wasn’t there. I was …
ugh
.” He shook his head disgusted with himself.

The anger I felt towards him slowly drifted as I looked into his wounded eyes. Yes, my body was the one that physically went through the changes of carrying and losing our child, and yes it would take time for me to physically and mentally heal. But I knew he fell in love with our child the moment I told him I was pregnant. His love grew even more when he saw the peanut-shaped body on the ultrasound. This was just as hard for him as it was for me.

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing; all I knew was that we couldn’t stay in here any longer. I stood, his hand still with mine, and began to move towards the door. He followed behind me as we slowly walked out of the café and into the parking lot. Spotting his all-black, tinted Mercedes, I headed towards it. Once we were by his car, I leaned against the back-passenger door and pulled him into me. Wrapping my hands under his arms, I hugged him tightly. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted him to comfort me. With his arms firmly around the middle of my back, we did just that for a long time. We said nothing, did nothing—just soothed each other.

It was bizarre how out in the parking lot even while people walked by minding their business, this felt more private to me than in that secluded, tiny shop. Not bothering to see if anyone was staring at us because at this moment I truly didn’t care, I closed my eyes and sank my head into his chest. I took in his
oh-so-
familiar lingering scent, allowing myself to savor this moment, not sure how long it would last, but knowing that it would eventually have to end. He did as well when he lowered his head, burying it into the base of my neck.

A tiny painful sigh released from him as he tightened his arms around me. The slight movement lifted me to the tip of my toes, causing the side of our cheeks to lightly brush. The brush of his growing beard was a strange feeling. His face, always smooth and freshly shaved, now pricked with tiny hairs. I didn’t mind though, allowing him to gently tickle my smooth skin with the hair. He slowly brought his head around, pressing his forehead to mine, and the tips of our noses brushed. His lips faintly parted, and the warmth of his breath throbbed against my chest.

My eyes traced the lining of his full lips; the ends of his perfect, pearly white teeth barely showed. My eyes slowly made their way up to the dent on his upper lip, up to the tip of his nose, to his cheeks, and then to those gorgeous big, brown eyes. He was watching me watch him. I lost air for a second as he brought his chin out, his lips inches away from me. “Marcus,” I whispered in a way to stop him, but I didn’t pull away.

“
Please
, Mia.” Closing his eyes, he pressed his soft lips against mine. A tingling sensation shot through my core at his touch, and it warmed as he slipped his tongue through my parted lips. I closed my eyes to savor this too.
Oh,
how I’d missed those lips, that soft stroking tongue, and his greedy kisses. I brought my hands around his neck and pulled his kiss in deeper. His small, gentle groan vibrated against my lips. His hand quickly left my back, and he reached in his pocket, all while never moving his lips away from mine.

An alarm beeping sound went off, and then I heard his car doors unlock. In a swift movement he opened the door, leaning me against the open space. Not second guessing, I bent down into his backseat, pulling him on top of me. On his way in, he shut the door, only taking his lips away from me for a mere second.

He returned his mouth to my face, spreading gentle stroking kisses along my eyebrows, my eyes, my nose, down the side of my cheek, and my jawline. When he reached my lips again, he mumbled in between breaths, pulling away gently to list everything he’d missed. “I love you so much. I’ve
missed
you so much, Mia. I miss your
scent,
your
lips,
your
touch,
the way your hair falls against your face … the way you
smile.
I’ve missed you so
fucking
much, especially,” pulling away for a second, he cupped my face with his hand, and narrowly stared into my eyes saying, “those eyes, those
beautiful
eyes. I’ve missed looking into them every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall asleep. I have done
nothing
the past two weeks but dream of your eyes.”

I closed my eyes as a single tear escaped and rolled down the side of my face. His thumb wiped it away before he continued to place several gentle pecks against my lips. On the last peck, he kept his lips firm against my mouth, and his tongue once again found mine, twirling in delicious delight. I knew I had to stop, to not lead him on and let him think that we were okay because we weren’t. But his words, his touch, and his lips momentarily persuaded me to cave in, to briefly break down that wall I slowly began to build once again.

I told myself over and over again in my head as he slowly slid his hand up my shirt that this was what we needed … that we both needed to comfort each other … that we needed this last
goodbye.
We needed
closure
.

I moaned against his lips when his hand reached my aching breast. Neither one of us was able to hold it any longer. We quickly ripped our clothes off, and he sank into me relieving the pain in my inner thighs. My body trembled as I felt the fullness, the hardness. I realized that I needed this, that I needed him at this very moment. “
Mia
...” He groaned, dipping his head into my neck, leaving feather-like kisses along my collarbone.

“I love you.” He choked in pain as he continued in soft, gentle thrusts, joining our hips. My entire body ached with longing for him, wanting him, and I eagerly wrapped my legs around his hips pushing him in deeper. “
Oh
Marcus, I’ve missed you so much. I love you.” I moaned into his earlobe. My confession ignited him, and he picked up pace. Crushing his lips to mine, his tongue reached far back into my mouth, and I sucked on it, craving his taste.

Our bodies, damp with sweat, trembled with the sensation, trying to hold on to every peaking moment. Eventually we both gave in, allowing our bodies to release the aching tension. Breathing heavily, he lay flat on my chest.

I stared at the roof of his car, trying to control my breathing as well.
What the hell did I just do?

I began to squirm underneath him, and he sat back on the heels of his feet, watching as I sought to find my clothes and throw them on. “Mia, what are you doing? I thought we …” I stopped half way through putting my shirt on and turned to look into his puzzled eyes. I led him on: He didn’t think of this as a goodbye. He thought of this as rekindling our relationship.

Biting my lip, I slowly rolled the shirt down. “Marcus, I’m sorry for leading you on.”

His head snapped back. “Leading me on? What do you mean
leading
me on?” He brought his fingers to the middle of his stomach. I didn’t say anything since I was afraid to say the wrong thing. He gulped in a mouthful of air when he finally realized what I meant. He tilted his head, and his shoulders slumped. “But you said you missed me too. You said you loved me!”

Shifting and lifting my legs, I sat as he was facing him. “Marcus, I love you so much. I will
always
love you. And yes, I’ve missed you. I will
always
miss you, but too much has happened to go back to the way we were. Don’t you
see
that?”

With his head still tilted and his hand still at the pit of his stomach, his chest heaved in and out, and his growing painful expression felt like a knife just stabbed my heart. “And this? What was this!” he snapped, his hand leaving his belly, sprawling along the seat where we just made love.

My heartbeat began to speed up at the tone of his voice. He was beginning to get angry. I didn’t blame him. It was wrong of me to make him believe for one second that we were back together. Slightly shrugging my shoulders, I looked down ashamed. “It was for comfort, I guess, closure.”

“Really?
” With his jaw clenched tight, he quickly grabbed his shirt and tossed it on, not caring that it was inside out. Straightening his legs to the floor of the car, he adjusted his jeans. Once they were secured at his waist, he zippered and buttoned them. Opening the door beside him, he glared at me. “Well, I hope you got your fucking
closure
.” The door slammed shut after he stepped out. Startled by the loud noise, I quickly stormed out of the car.