Bent not Broken (329 page)

“Damn, girl. Remind me never to cross you. That whole room was scared of you. They had no idea.”

Putting my car in gear, I turn to him before we take off. “You know I’m proud of you, right?” He just grins. I’ll do whatever I can to support you. I love you, Lou.”

“I love you too, Cel.”

“By the way, I’ve known for a long time you’re gay. I’ve tried to discuss it with you several times over the years, but you always seemed so uncomfortable. I wanted you to do it on your own terms and when you were ready. So you may have had them fooled, but I’ve always known.”

He gives me a confounded look. “I can’t believe you knew. And how is that exactly? I’ve been very quiet about it.”

I tilt my head and smile. “I don’t know. It’s one of those things when you know, you know,” I say with a laugh.

****

USING MY KEY, I open Adrian’s door a crack and peer in a bit, which is why I don’t see
them
right away. Louis and I enter all the way and that’s when I spot them. I take a deep breath. My insides burn. I hear Louis curse softly under his breath and ask if I want to leave. I feel his arm on my elbow and a light tug. Shaking him off, I move to stand behind the couch, and I can barely see through the angry tears in my eyes. I dash them away before I speak. Oh my God is it hard to speak. Speaking will turn this into my reality, and I don’t know that I can handle it. I take in and then release a deep breath.

Using my key, I tap her on the shoulder. She looks up at me, surprised. “Get your ass up,” I demand.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asks sleepily. “Adrian said you were over.”

I chuckle. “Did he now? Well, he’s mistaken. Now, get your ass up.”

The doppelgänger has the nerve to nudge Adrian and say, “Baby, do you want me to leave?”

Adrian’s eyes open and he looks from her and up to me. “Shit, Celeste.”

That’s it. That’s all I get?
Shit, Celeste?
Something’s rotten in the city of New Orleans.

She sits up and smoothes her clothes down a bit. “I think I’ll wait for Adrian to tell me to leave if you don’t mind, Celeste,” she says as she runs a hand down his chest and fists her hand in his t-shirt. When his hand comes up to clench hers, a fiery rage explodes in my chest. But she doesn’t clue in and keeps talking. “Especially since he was so sweet when he invited me over.”

I lean in and say with deadly calm. “Bitch. Get. The. Fuck. Out.”

“Celeste!” Adrian admonishes.

Louis makes his way around the couch, grabs her by the arm, and begins to usher her out. “That’s enough. Let’s go. You don’t want any part of this.”

“Adrian, call me if you need me, honey,” she rushes out before Louis has her out the door.

My eyes have never left his. He just looks blank, completely void of all feeling. Finally, he releases a deep breath and sits up. “I guess you should have called first,” he says. “I told you we were done.”

Knife to the heart, but somehow I maintain my composure, and I surprise him by smiling at him even though right now I’d love nothing more than to kick his ass. “Why, Adrian, we’ve only just begun,” I say sweetly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks.

Laughing, I grab his hand and lead him to the bathroom. He’s looking at me like I’ve lost my damn mind. Maybe I have. “Take a shower. Clear your head. We’ll talk when you get out.”

He just shuffles past me and gives me a worried frown.
Mmm hmm, your little plan backfired.

Making my way back to the living room, I close my eyes and collapse into the wall. Oh, my heart hurts so bad. I massage it a little and look up and say another prayer. I hear Louis come back in, and I look over at him.

“What did she say?” I ask.

“I can’t believe you’re not flipping out, Celeste. What the hell was he thinking?” He shakes his head at me. I know what he was thinking and that is the only thing that is keeping me from losing my fucking mind right now. I just raise my eyebrows at him. “She said that Adrian called her and asked her if she could come sit with him for a while. He told her that y’all were over, but that you wouldn’t take the hint. Told her that nothing was going to happen between them, but that he would appreciate it as a friend. She said she’s actually seeing someone and it’s pretty serious, but that Adrian had always been good to her. She wanted to help him out. I told her that he’s not doing well with being back home from Iraq.” He lets out a deep breath. “She said she felt like something was off but didn’t really understand. And to tell you that nothing happened between them. He asked her to lie down on the couch with him and that was that.” That was enough, I think. “She also told me to tell you she was sorry.”

I just nod at all that since I had pretty much figured all that out. I hear Adrian’s shower cut off. “I need to see about him, and I’m not sure how much more fight he has left in him. He warned me, Louis.” Louis gives me a questioning look. “He told me he would do anything to protect me, and that’s what that was. He’s trying anything and everything to push me away in order to protect me.” Louis grabs me and kisses me on my forehead. I shake my head against his. “Thank you for finding all that out for me and for staying. It…helps. How long until the doctor will be here?”

He looks at his watch. “Thirty minutes.”

“Here goes nothin’,” I tell him.

Letting Louis go, I kick off my shoes and head down the hall toward his bedroom. He’s pulling on his sweatpants. I close the door behind me, and he turns to me when it clicks.

“You’re still here?” I swear I see a little relief mixed with his disbelief.

I actually laugh. He frowns. “Adrian, it’s a good thing I’m smarter than you,” I joke. Now he just raises those brows at me. “Mmm hmm, I know how much you love me and how you would do
anything
to protect me. Even if the threat is you. Even if you have to hurt me in the process. Not hurting me comes in second to protecting me, doesn’t it?” No response. “You called her over here to make me angry in hopes that I would leave and never come back, didn’t you?” I narrow my eyes and point at him. “And don’t you dare lie to me.”

He stares at me for a minute before collapsing on the floor beside his bed and leaning back against the footboard. “What’s wrong with me that I could do that to you? How can you ever forgive me?” he asks through his hands that are covering his face. “Shit, Celeste, I practically assaulted you this morning and then I had another woman in my arms just now. Nothing happened between us. Nothing was going to happen. I wanted it to look that way so that you would leave me. Fuck! You should run and fast. I don’t understand why you’re not running.”

“I know that. I knew it when I saw her even though watching you with her made me want to crawl out of my own skin. And I’m not going to lie to you, Adrian. The way you spoke to me after you took me in the kitchen…that hurt. It still hurts. You didn’t assault me, though. I like it when you’re rough,” I joke. He barely cracks a smile, but it looks almost like a real smile. “It was what you said after. That’s going to take me a while to get over.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

I sink down in front of him and rub his jaw with one hand. “You’re already forgiven.”

He nods and grabs my hand, holding it to his face. “Don’t leave me. I don’t know what to do to fix this yet, but I know I can’t live without you and our boys. I know that. I’ve been beyond stupid these last few days, but I want to fix me, fix us if you’ll give me another chance.”

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I love you. And I know what we need to do.” I pause before asking him to place his faith in me. I hope he remembers how many times I’ve trusted in him. “Do you trust me?” He nods and closes his eyes tight.

****

“THE BIGGEST THING,” Adrian says, “is that there can be no record of my treatment. If the government found out, I could never serve in a combat situation again. I don’t want that stigma following me around either. I know I’ve already told you, but I can’t stress it enough. That’s, uh, why so many people don’t get help.” I don’t know that I want him to serve ever again, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

“All right, Mr. Hebert, I understand. How long’s it been since you’ve slept?” Dr. Patel asks.

“Uh…I’ve been dozing off for twenty, thirty minute intervals for the last several days. I, uh, don’t remember the last time I actually slept.”

“More than a week, less than a week ago?”

“More than a week,” Adrian says, “Less than two.” Geez, I know what it feels like as a new mother to go without sleep for a day or two. At one point, I’d actually wished I’d never had children. That’s how crazy just a little sleep deprivation had made me. I run my hand over Adrian’s back in silent support.

We’d been talking to the doctor for over an hour. It hadn’t been easy, but Adrian told him how he’d been feeling and a few details of what he’d seen like what he’d screamed at me yesterday. He won’t let me leave his side, so I’m praying this is a sign that he’s done pushing me away. Dr. Patel had come up with a plan for getting him help, and privately. I want to weep with relief.

“Sleep is imperative in this situation. We can’t move forward with anything until you’ve had it. The shot I’m going to give you will sedate you for quite some time, so I’ll wait a few minutes and let you have a bite to eat before I administer it. Once I give it to you, you will want to be in a location prepared to sleep for a while, Mr. Hebert. Of course, you’ll need to be monitored.” I glance over at Louis.

“We’re not going anywhere,” Louis says. I smile at him.

Once we’ve gotten Adrian fed and in bed, Dr. Patel gives him some oral medicine to take. “This is a mild anti-psychotic. We’ll start with that. I know you’re not happy about the medication, but remember this is temporary but necessary for your speedy recovery.”

“Yes, sir,” Adrian mumbles. Dr. Patel gives him his shot and Louis sees him out with a promise that he’ll be seeing us soon.

“Do you want me to stay in here with you?” I ask Adrian.

“Yes, please, baby. Don’t leave me.” His voice is dragging already.

I settle in with him, pulling the covers around us and placing little kisses on his head. He wraps me up so tight in his arms that I have a hard time breathing for a minute, but I don’t care. I hear his breath begin to even out and his arms relax their hold.

When he speaks, it startles me. “Celeste, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to be deserving of your love. I can’t even imagine the hell I’ve put you through these last few days, and the fact that you’re willing to forgive me all that and stand by me…I’m blown away and humbled and in awe of you.” He tilts his head back and captures me with my blues. “I’m ashamed that I doubted all of that. I’m sorry that my instincts weren’t to trust in us but to push you away instead. God, how many times do I need to push you away before you’ll finally go running? I swear that I’ll never do that again. I’m glad you’re strong enough for both us. Strong enough to see through my bullshit.”

I kiss him lightly. “I believe in us, Adrian, and I knew that you’d do anything to protect me, even from yourself. It was hard to remind myself of that in the moment, but I knew if I could get through to you for a second and find a tiny crevice to force myself into that you’d let me in all the way.”

He gives me a little kiss, but it is a weak one. He’s starting to doze off.

Clutching his face in my hands, I tell him, “I love you, Adrian. Always. I’ll never let you go. I’ll never stop. You’re mine.” I kiss him hard even though he’s barely with me. “And I protect what’s mine.”

Twenty-Five

Happy Anniversary

“MORNIN’,” I HEAR him murmur against my breast. Instinctively, I arch into him.

I open one eye and look toward the window. “Adrian, it’s barely light out. Why am I awake?”

“I want to make love to my sexy wife before our children are up and our crazy day begins,” he says as he presses a little piece of plastic into my hand.

As his tongue tickles me, I laugh and angle the plastic so that I can read it. I grin.
Happy anniversary, wife.
“Happy anniversary, husband,” I say.

“Today’s going to be busy. I’ve got classes this morning and the kids to run around this afternoon and you’ve got your shoot, but this morning,” he says with a nip that makes me moan, “you’re all mine and tonight,” he says with another nip that makes me groan, “you’re all mine. Rock ‘n’ Roll, dancing, champagne, and hot sex on a school night. What do you say,
mimi
?” he asks as he devours my breast.

I grin big, knowing I’m about to rock his world myself. I grab his face and watch those blues focus on me. “I think that all sounds wonderful. I can’t wait, but no champagne tonight.”

“You love champagne.”

“That’s true,” I hesitate for a moment before saying around my smile, “but it’s not good for the baby.”

He stills and I watch in utter fascination as hazy blues become alert blues. He sits up abruptly. “You’re pregnant?” he asks.

“Yes, I’m only a few weeks.”

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes,” I say with a laugh. “I’m pregnant,” I repeat, hoping it will sink in this time.

“I thought you said it was a long shot.”

I laugh again. Awestruck, he looks like a little boy on Christmas morning as he runs his hands over my belly. These little moments were happening with more and more frequency since our bad patch. Those first couple of months were by far the rockiest, but he’d worked so hard. The therapy sessions he’d had and that we’d had together were numberless, but one thing remained true—Adrian was committed to overcoming his demons. It wounded me that this beautiful, passionate man had been broken, but I was determined to help him put himself back together. I reach up and rub my hand over his scruff. This is the most excited and most animated I’ve seen in a long time. It helps my heart heal too.

We’d starting talking seriously about trying to have a baby a few months back. I’d been on birth control for so long that I determined that if we wanted to have a baby before I turned forty I should stop taking them immediately. I never dreamed I would get pregnant so quickly. Snapping out my trance, I say, “Well, apparently, our odds were better than I thought, or more likely you have very agile and determined swimmers.”