Bent not Broken (45 page)

I reach for the glass of water in front of me, taking a sip because I’m suddenly very thirsty. “When you fall out of love, it doesn’t mean that you stop loving someone. They just don’t make your heart beat faster. You don’t crave them until you don’t know where they end and you begin. I d-don’t know that I ever fell out of love with Ben, but I do know that I fell in love with Arsen along the way. Or maybe I confused fucking and lust for love. I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever know.

“But what I do know is that they both were essential to my well being. I didn’t realize how important Ben was to me until he was gone. Arsen became the air I needed to breathe, but Ben was my lungs. What good would air be if I didn’t have lungs to begin with?”

“Do you still think about Arsen? Have you forgiven him?”

“I do, but thinking about him doesn’t hurt as much as when I think about Ben. Arsen could easily be blamed because he pursued me, but I think it was the other way around. I think the fault lies all in me.”

I have forgiven him and the way he walked out on me. I understand where he came from and, in a way, he was right. No words of love were ever said between us. No promises made. Whenever I look back to our relationship, I can only be grateful for all the things he taught me, for being my stepping stone. For that, I will always love him. Sometimes I wish I had gotten the chance to tell him how special he was to me, how much I grew to love him. Arsen taught me to move on. To live life and forget. He made me laugh when all I wanted was to stop existing. I will always love him. And also, there’s the possibility that he gave me Nadia.

And now he’s gone.

“Marriage is work, Cathy. You have to work at it every single day that you’re together. You can’t ever slack. It’s hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times, but it’s all about what you make of those experiences. How you deal with them that sets you apart from other couples who throw in the towel. Committing fully to your partner and giving your all. Because divorce is easy, it’s the easy way out.”

Oh, life. Are you really that simple?

“Yes…but sometimes it’s not easy. Whoever said marriage was easy must have been high on Disney cartoons.”

“Good one, Cathy. So tell me before it’s time for you to go, what would you have done differently?”

I think hard for a moment. “I would have been honest with Ben from the beginning instead of pushing him away.”

And that’s the truth.

My truth.

I just wish I’d realized it a long time ago.

Chapter 33

Four weeks later.

At peace.

A sigh of relief.

I can finally breathe.

I’m speechless and in awe.

I’m amazed.

Hoping with all my soul and wishing with my whole heart has finally paid off because I’m holding in my arms my future, my happily ever after. And, somehow, I know my life will never the same.

I’m whole.

I’m complete.

As I stare at my precious baby, I can’t stop myself from crying. My body is shaking fiercely from the gut-wrenching sobs escaping my mouth, and I don’t care because I’m thankful, so thankful. Wiping away the tears flowing freely down my face with the back of my hand, I stare at the wrinkly miracle currently sleeping in my arms. She feels so small and fragile. I’m afraid that if I move or hold her the wrong way, I could hurt her.

She’s mine.

All mine.

My Nadia.

My hope.

And even though it’s just the two of us in this moment, I don’t care at all. She’s all I need, my reason to exist, and I will do everything in my power to make her happy. Anything and everything.

I bring her closer to my chest as an almost primal instinct takes over me. The urge to protect her and to shelter her from all the ugliness of the world becomes my number one priority, my goal in life. Gone are the thoughts of my divorce, of unworthiness, of my failed relationship with Arsen…they are all gone. There’s no room for selfishness when you have a defenseless human being depending on you.

“Hi, pretty Nadia.” I lift her to my face so I can smell her sweet baby scent.

So clean, so pure.

“I’m your mommy.” I kiss her precious lips and fight the need to cry once more. “Can I tell you a secret?” I whisper in her ear, “I love you so, so much, my little ray of hope.”

I hear my dad clearing his throat. I lift my eyes and watch him approach the hospital bed with a smile on his face. “She looks exactly like you when you were a baby.”

A tissue in his hand, he leans over and cleans my face since my hands are importantly tied up at the moment. With eyes that shine because of unshed tears, he smiles tenderly at me. “She’s just as gorgeous as her mother.”

I feel a knot in my stomach. “Daddy, how can I love her so much when I’ve just met her? Is she real? Is she really mine?”

“Yes. She’s all yours, my baby girl.”

“I’m holding her, smelling her, kissing her and I still cannot believe it. I’m afraid this is a dream. One that will end when I wake up, leaving me all a-alone.” My voice breaks.

My dad sits on the edge of the bed and wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Stop, Cathy. She’s real. It’s time for you to finally enjoy being a mother, baby girl. It’s time to let go of all those ghosts.”

Looking up at my dad, and then down at Nadia, I let the truth sink in. She is real. I’m her mother.

Her mother.

After Dad leaves for the night, I prop up against the wall with pillows behind my back. With my gown open at the front, I watch transfixed as Nadia latches on to my nipple, suctioning breast milk. It’s such a simple thing, watching your child feed from your body, but it’s also magical. Listening to the gentle sounds she’s making soothes my soul.

I laugh as I remember walking to the maternity ward, pushing Nadia in the portable crib, and asking the nurses to teach me for the second time that day how to breastfeed her. After they warned me that I shouldn’t be walking, my nurse Lili, sat me in the rocking chair and taught me the procedure all over again as I promised that this was the last time.

All I can do is watch her, study her, learn her, and memorize her. Every single curve of her tiny body, her unique smell, the way her tiny hand wraps around my finger, the weight of her warm body in my arms. The way she’s imprinting herself on my skin and robbing me of my own heart.

My dad said she is mine, but I think it’s the other way around.

I’m hers.

Nothing else matters but her.

When I think she’s done feeding, I pull her away from my breast and begin my second attempt at burping her. The first time scared me so much that I paged the nurse to come watch me just to make sure I was doing it right. I was scared I was going to hurt her by patting her too hard.

After I manage to burp her once, I lay down with her on top of my naked chest. In the darkness of the room with only the moonlight illuminating us, and Nadia’s little head resting on top of my heart, I let my barriers down for the first time in a very long time. As I caress her small back, I allow myself to think about him.

When Dr. Pajaree put Nadia in my arms soon after she was born, the first thing I did was lift my eyes, expecting to see Ben sharing this joyous moment with me. The moment we had hoped and wished for so long, to finally have a child of our own. But he wasn’t there. He was gone. Instead, I met the nurse’s encouraging gaze.

I took that away.

I destroyed it.

So as I lie on a cold hospital bed with a miracle sleeping on my chest, I let myself cry. I allow myself to cry because I still love him so much.

Because I was right.

It was always him.

Not Arsen.

Not anyone.

My maple-brown eyed boy.

****

Three years later.

Do I have a headache?

How could I have a headache in my sleep?

What the hell is going on?

I open my eyes and a pair of emerald green eyes hover above me, watching me, blonde curly hair tickling my nose, banging my head with the small jade elephant I keep next to my nightstand.

So that was the “headache”.

“Momma, Momma! Wake up! Wake up!” she demands in her sweet voice.

She’s about to hit me with it once more when I grab her little hand in mine, removing the deadly weapon from her fist, and begin tickling her.

“What’s this, you little monkey! What are you doing in mommy’s room this early in the morning?”

Laughing because I’m tickling her under her armpits, she begins to kick her small legs. “Momma! Stop! Momma!” she protests between giggles.

When we both have tears in our eyes, I stop. The sight of her dimples peeking out as she laughs can still twist my heart with so much love. Her laughter is sweet music to my ears.

“I want juice, Mommy! I’m hungry!”

“Okay, okay, you monster.” I get up from the bed, grab my robe, and pick her up in my arms. It’s been three years since I first held her in my arms, and not a day goes by when the need to hold her close to me is not present, not a necessity. I think back to those early days when I didn’t care about anything other than Nadia. I ran my life around her schedule, and I was totally fine with it. I gladly gave it all up to be with her, not taking any of her smiles, her expressions, her kisses for granted.

Even on the days when the going gets tough, really tough, all I have to do is just think back to how much she’s changed my life. How my love for her has made me a better person, one that I’m not ashamed of. And I thank her for it every single day.

After I pour some cereal and milk in a bowl and place it in front of her, I sit down and watch her eat. The curls of platinum blonde hair are sticking out in all directions, making her look like a wild child. Leaning over her, I kiss the top of her head, and go to make some coffee.

“Mommy…” she says in between mouthfuls of cheerios.

“Yes, lil’ monkey?”

“I want a daddy.”

I stop short and put down the jar of coffee and the mug on the table. I turn around and kneel in front of her, taking her sticky hands in mine.

“W-what do you mean, Nadia? You want to see Papa?” I hope she’s asking about her grandfather, though deep down I know exactly what she means.

“Don’t be silly!” she laughs. “Papa is not a daddy. My friend Lucy told me her daddy took her to the Bronx Zoo tomorrow.” She grins as if I’m not getting the point. Oh, if only she knew how much I got it.

“You mean yesterday, and—”

“She told me her mommy picked her daddy before they picked her. Can we pick a daddy too, Mommy? Her daddy is nice! He gave me a lollipop, and he buys Lucy babies all the time.”

“Oh.”

Suddenly dizzy, I stand up and sit down on the chair. I knew this was eventually going to happen. Nadia was bound to notice that she only has a mommy and not a daddy.

I shake my head and scan the room, trying to come up with the best answer, the right answer, without making her feel bad.

“Nadia, we don’t need a daddy. We have each other, and Papa and Uncle Charles.”

“But I want a daddy. Lucy’s daddy is nice,” she protests, a pout beginning to form on her angelic face.

“Well…it’s more complicated than just going to a store and picking one, baby.” I touch my chest, “Our hearts choose who that person will be. And it takes time.”

“Your heart will pick a daddy for me?” I want to tell her that my heart picked one a long time ago and that my heart still belongs to him, but that’s a story I will tell her when she’s older. Not now.

“I hope so…”

I lie. I don’t want another man. I’m not ready to put myself out there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when my body hungers for the touch of a man, it’s his I want. When I’m rubbing myself, ready to climax, I picture his maple-brown eyes staring back at me as he makes love to me. And when my physical thirst has been quenched, it’s his warm embrace I need.

How could I allow myself to go on a date and potentially start seeing other men when emotionally I haven’t moved on? It’s not fair for either party involved, and if my past mistakes have taught me something, it’s that no one deserves that kind of treachery.

“Okay, Mommy!” Nadia agrees before returning to her breakfast, oblivious to how much her words have shaken me.

I stand up with trembling legs and go back to the counter, pouring myself a cup of coffee. I’m stirring some half and half in it when Nadia speaks once more.

“Mommy?”

I close my eyes, afraid of what she’s going to say next. “Yes, darling?”

“Are we going to the park after?”

Breathing a sigh of relief because she’s forgotten all about the daddy issue, I take a sip of coffee before answering her. “It’s later, and yes. Would you like me to call Aunt Amy and Uncle Charles to see if they want to meet us there?”

“Yes! Uncle Charles buys me toys!” she says, smiling.

When she’s done eating breakfast, I bathe her and put her clothes on for the day. After making sure she’s busy playing with her toys in her room, I make my way to my bedroom to take a shower. While I wait for the water to heat, I call Amy.

“Hi beautiful.” Amy’s voice sounds groggy with sleep.

“Hi! Do you have a moment? I need to speak to you.”

“Sure, babe.” I can hear Charles protesting on the other side of the line as Amy shushes him to be quiet. “Okay, tell me, love.”

“Um, Nadia informed me today that she wants a daddy.”

“Oh my God. The poor child. What did you tell her?”

“Well, once I was able to get my brain working I told her that it wasn’t that easy.”

“Oh, honey, I’ve been telling you for the past two years that it’s time for you to give someone else a chance. I mean, it’s time for you to move on and start living your life.”

“B-But I am living my life.”

“Cathy, really? Want me to call bullshit on that? You don’t have a life. Your life revolves around work and being a mom to Nadia. You won’t touch the very generous amount of money Ben gave you as part of the divorce, and you won’t let anyone but your Dad or me help you with her. The only time you ask for help is when you know you can’t bring that little munchkin along.”