Beside Still Waters (34 page)

Marianna looked to the moon that was full and bright and she wondered if it had been that bright on the night of her sisters' deaths.

"Yes, I had two sisters that I never knew. Their names are Marilyn and Joanna. They were in a buggy and semitruck accident. Dat fell asleep and the horse crossed a big road. A semi hit the buggy and my sisters . . . they were gone in an instant."

A shuddering sigh escaped Ben's mouth. "I'm so sorry."

"My mom was pregnant. The trauma put her into labor. That was the night I was born." Marianna lowered her gaze and dared to look at him. "They lost two daughters and gained one. My whole life I didn't think it was a very fair trade."

"But you can't think about it that way . . ." Ben's voice was filled with sorrow.

"I know. I'm learning that. I was saying the same thing to David today, and I realized I needed to listen to my own words. But it's hard when it's planted so deep in your heart,
ja?
" Marianna reached up and touched her kapp. Just as she'd learned to live as an Amish girl, she'd also grown up with a feeling of trying to do enough to make up for all her parents lost.

"Marianna, I know this will sound strange, especially since you don't believe in praying aloud—"

"Actually, I do." She met the surprise in his gaze with a smile. "When Charlie was hurt, I found myself praying. The words just came out . . . and I felt Him, Ben. God was there."

"Good." He smiled as if she'd just figured out a secret he'd known all along. "Can I pray for you too? Can I pray that God will continue to lift your burdens? Your mom's burdens?"

She nodded. "Yes." And then she stretched out her hand to him, knowing she needed this. And as Ben prayed for healing, for releasing of all the pain of the past, a new sensation came over her. She felt his touch—his hand on hers. But she felt something more too.

A sweet, deep peace, like still waters, in her soul. The same type of peace as before, but this time a united peace. God wasn't just with her. He was with
them.

Tears filled her eyes once more.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Marianna held the printed out confirmation of her train ticket in her hand and stood before the boxes of her things. She heard footsteps behind her and saw that it was Dat, entering the room.

"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go now. Mom has the baby and well, Charlie needs so much extra care."

Dat inclined his head. "Some of our neighbors—both Amish and Englisch—have already offered to take shifts. And." He stepped forward and placed an arm around her shoulders. "I hear the Peachy girls are going to come help out. Thank you for doing that for Mem."

"Only for a few weeks. I wish it was longer, but I used some of that money to pay Annie back for the deposit she gave me on the quilt." She stood, looking at her boxes. They held nearly the same things she'd packed when she came, except that the quilt was finished now. Marianna decided not to sell it to Annie. She decided not to keep it either.

She had yet another plan for the quilt.

But unlike her boxes, Marianna carried within her so much more than when she arrived. So much she couldn't explain. More peace than she'd ever had.

More questions too.

"Didja ever think when you left Indiana that you'd hesitate about returning?"

Dat's question brought a sad smile. "It's not that I'm hesitating about going back to Indiana. I'm just questioning if I should be so selfish and think about myself and not what my mother needs."

"I think what your mother needs most is peace of mind that you are following God's call for your life." Her father ran a hand down his face, and she could tell the words were hard for him to say. "As much as we'd love to have you here, you have a life of your own that you need to start. If Aaron Zook is the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, as you keep saying, then you need to go there. It's what we've always wanted for our daughter. To find a good man. To start a good home."

Marianna nodded, but her mind was no longer on Aaron Zook. It was Ben's face, his smile, that filled her mind. She thought of the way he'd cared for Charlie after the accident. The way he'd dropped everything to help her family. She smiled, remembering the way he'd returned over the last few days to check on her brother, and the way he held Joy in his arms and prayed over her. She also thought of the feeling of his arms around her that night at the restaurant. His hands over hers on the guitar.

Tingles danced up and down her arms, and she opened her eyes, shocked she'd let her mind go there. Yes, she needed to leave. There was no question now. Aaron was waiting, and that was a good thing. But even more important, she'd be leaving Ben—locking the door on her wayward emotions. To continue to entertain those thoughts meant to turn her back on everything she believed in and lived for. He was Englisch. He was forbidden. And he was here.

Which meant she
had
to board that train.

"That does make me feel better that our neighbors are going to help Mem." Marianna forced a smile. "It gives me a peace of mind to be heading back."

Her father's eyes searched hers, and she hoped he couldn't see what she really felt. The pain of leaving the people she'd grown to care for so much. And the question burning at her.

If it was Aaron that she loved.

"Do you smell that?" Uncle Ike sniffed the air. He'd come to join them for Marianna's good-bye dinner. And while she appreciated it, Marianna wished Ben would have come too. Wished she'd had a chance to tell him good-bye.

Charlie elbowed David. "I told ya that you should shower. The smell must be you."

"Oh, c'mon." David rustled Charlie's hair, then he sniffed the air. "It's not me. Smells like smoke."

"It does." Uncle Ike looked out the kitchen window and scanned the horizon.

"Do you think someone's burning a slash pile?" Dat asked.

"Hope not. It's high fire warning. And if a forest fire started . . ." Ike didn't need to finish for worry to flash across all the faces circled around Marianna.

"We should head out and see." Dat rose from the dinner table and moved to the front porch. The rest of the family followed.

"Look!" Mem pointed to a column of smoke rising into the air.

"That looks like it's comin' from Carashes' place." Dat jogged down the porch steps and hurried up the road. Ike and David followed. Marianna quickened her pace to keep up with them. Mem stayed behind with the little ones and Charlie.

They hurried up the dirt road, crested the top of it, and turned a bend. It was then Marianna spotted the flames, bright orange flickering the Carashes' barn. Mr. Carash was trying to put it out with a garden hose. The rest of his family watched helplessly.

"Someone needs to call the fire department in Eureka!" Dat called out. Without hesitation David ran back toward home. Toward the shed.

"They won't get here. Not in time." Uncle Ike shook his head.

"Mari, why don't you head back and tell Mem it's the barn," Dat said. "We'll see what we can do to help."

Marianna nodded, not wanting to turn back. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of her friends' loss. And then the tears came even faster when she realized they
were
her friends. She knew them, cared for them. She talked to Mrs. Carash every time she came in the store.

Marianna wiped her face and then hurried back toward their house. Fear softened her knees. Her mother and Charlie were waiting on the porch when she returned. David exited the shed and said the fire department was on its way, but it would be forty-five minutes at least.

Charlie looked at her, wide-eyed. "What are they going to do until the fire truck comes?"

Marianna cleared her throat and sniffed, trying to be brave for her brothers but not doing a very good job at it. "I suppose they'll have to watch it burn."

Another loss. Another heartache. Things like this happened in Indiana too. So why, this time, did it hurt so much?

Marianna moved to the porch and Trapper jumped into her lap. Not knowing what else to do, Marianna turned to what was becoming as natural as breathing. She prayed.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Twice during the night Marianna walked up the hill, only to have her heart broken even more to see the barn burn. Even when the fire department arrived, they could only wet down the area around the fire to make sure it didn't spread. The barn was already too far gone.

Mr. Carash had managed to get his livestock out of the barn. The cow was found in a nearby pasture, but the Carashes' three horses had run off. A dozen men from the community had gone into the forest to help find them. Including Dat and David. Including Ben. They'd been gone all night and hadn't returned. She'd walked down to the Carashes' house one last time, just in case they were there. They weren't. Ben's truck sat parked not far from the burned down barn.

Marianna took a deep breath of the Montana air, now filled with smoke. She looked to her watch—a parting present from Edgar. If she didn't leave soon, she'd be late for the train.

As Marianna hurried back toward their house, she saw Annie was already there. Her small, blue car was parked outside.

Inside she found Annie sitting at the table with Mem. They were drinking tea and talking about the rebuilding of the Carashes' barn. They talked as if they were old friends, and Mem seemed content as she bounced Joy on her knee. There were toys scattered on the floor from the older kids, and dishes in the sink, but Mem didn't seem to mind. She was just enjoying Annie's contagious smile.

Annie turned as Marianna came in. "There you are. I thought maybe you'd changed your mind."

Marianna crossed her arms over her chest and then readjusted her kapp. "No, just checking on everyone before I left."

"Did you see them? Are they coming?"

"No, Mem." Marianna sighed. "I'll go to the neighbors when I get to Indiana and call Dat just to let him know I'm okay." She shrugged. "I hate good-byes."

"It's not a good-bye." Her mother rose and moved to her. "It's a see you later,
ja?
"

Marianna stroked Joy's soft cheek. "Yes, of course. Who knows, maybe I'll even make the trip back for Christmas."

"Your Aunt Ida won't like that. Not one bit." Mem grinned.

Marianna smiled. "I know. But it's okay. She'll just have to accept it."

"Did you get a chance to talk to Ben yesterday?" Annie jingled her keys in her hand.

"Ben?" Marianna felt her forehead fold.

"When he left the store yesterday, he told me he was on his way over here. Maybe he went to help at the fire instead."

"Yes, I think he did." Marianna crossed her arms over her chest. "But when you see him will you say good-bye for me? And"—she hurried to the box sitting next to the couch—"will you give him this?"

Marianna pulled the quilt from the box. She'd stayed up late the last two nights finishing it.

Annie's eyes widened. "Your quilt? Are you sure?"

Mem cleared her throat. "Mari, really? I don't think—"

"For his help. He's been so kind. The way he helped with Charlie—and in other ways." She thought of their talks about God, about the Bible. And his prayers . . . But she said none of those things. Instead, she met her mother's still-suspicious gaze. "My motives are pure."