Besieged (34 page)

I sit there with him for what feels like hours as he just holds me, strokes my hair, my skin, my lips until I start to feel the shiver of the night air. Silently he picks me up and walks me inside, down the stairs and into his bedroom. He places me on the bed and climbs in with me, pulling me onto his enormous chest. I press my face against the smooth skin and almost instantly fall asleep.

I wake up to bright sunshine streaming through the windows. I'm alone but the smell of Theo's citrus shower gel permeates my senses. I've missed him this last week, funny that I never thought I would miss a man. I’ve fought Theo so hard. Even when I agreed to be with him, I’ve never let him in. I’ve never let him love me. I’ve always been so determined not to need anybody, to be fine on my own, that I’ve fought his love. I finally realise that it’s okay to need someone once in a while and it’s okay to have someone to lean on, to help you when the going gets tough. There is no shame or weakness in that, it’s just life. Theo is that person for me. He understands me, he supports me and he loves me.

I smile to myself as I notice a note on the bedside table.

Sugar.

I'm making breakfast when you're ready. You've gotten skinny, so be prepared to eat lots! x

I smile as I hop out of bed and throw on a pair of his tracky bums and a hoody. It's all massive of course, but I don't care.

I head upstairs and just as I'm crossing the hall the doorbell rings. I have no idea who it could be on a Sunday morning. I open the door and see a small blonde woman at the door. She's pretty with shoulder length blonde hair and sparkling green eyes. She's wearing a sky blue maxi dress with a black leather jacket. Her large sun glasses are propped in her sun kissed hair.

"Hi." I greet her, becoming aware far too late that I'm dressed like a homeless person. "Can I help you?" I ask politely.

"Is Theo in?" She asks, her eyes assessing me.

"Yeah, he's upstairs. Are you a friend?" I don't want to sound rude, but I don't want to let her in. What if she's some random stalker?

"Yeah. My name's Cassie." She holds out her hand to me.

"I'm Lilly. Theo's girlfriend." I shake her hand. She raises both eye brows.

"Figures." She says very quietly.

"Well if you want to come in, I'll take you to him." I can’t very well just leave her on the doorstep, so I open the door wider.

"Sure. Thanks."

I lead her upstairs to the living area.

Theo frowns at me as I lead the girl to the kitchen area. "Do you want a drink or anything?" I ask as I pour a glass of water for myself.

"Oh, no thanks. I just need to talk to Theo." Her bubbly voice is almost childlike.

"Um, do I know you?" He asks coldly. Oh shit, maybe she is a stalker.

"I'm Cassie. You might not remember me. We bumped into each other a few months back in Poison..." He continues to frown at her, this is clearly not clarification. I'm pretty sure that if he met her in a club then this is not exactly a conversation I want to be privy to. I look her over again. She seems young, no older than twenty. The thought of Theo sleeping with her makes my stomach drop, but I think that would be the case for any of his former conquests, which is half of London apparently.

"Um, do you mind if we speak alone." She looks embarrassed as she stares at the floor.

"Look. I have no idea who you are. If I had a thing with you and didn't call then I apologise, but as you can see I have a girlfriend who I'm very happy with. I have things to do if you'll excuse me. Lilly, can you show her out babe."

He starts to turn away when her small voice halts him. "We did have a ‘thing’ and I'm pregnant." I freeze as my world comes to a screeching halt. She's not showing which means this was recent. I hear the air leave his body. He whirls back around and glares at her so fiercely I almost want to protect the girl. She looks so fragile and scared. I study her and weirdly I believe her. I start to shake.
He cheated, just like you always thought he would Lilly and you fucking trusted him. You stupid bitch.

I turn and numbly stagger down the stairs. "Lilly!" Theo's pained voice calls after me.

My chest grips in an all-out panic. I need to get out of here. Fuck. I don't have a car. I hurry into the bedroom and throw on my dress from the night before. Leaving his clothes and going sans underwear. I grab my clutch and shoes. I can hear shouting coming from upstairs.

"You're fucking lying. How much money do you want?!" Theo's voice booms. I don't have money on me for a cab, I just need to get out of here. Without thinking it through at all I grab the keys to the Range Rover and run down the hall to the garage.

I rev the engine of the big car and gun it out of the garage just in time to see Theo burst into the garage. He's shouting something and his face is strained, but I can't even bring myself to look at him. I floor it down the road and away from him, my heart is literally shattering in my chest. I want to cry, but I will not. I haven't cried for anyone and I'm not about to for him, though I know that he has just broken me beyond repair. He's damaged me more than the man who attacked me, more than my step father’s abuse even, more than my good for nothing mother, because I gave myself to him willingly, I love him and he fucking pissed on it. I can't believe I'm such an idiot. After everything we've been through, I really thought he'd changed for me. Stupid Naive little Lilly of course he didn't.
He's Theodore Ellis you stupid bitch. What the hell did you expect?!
I park the car in the underground garage around the corner from our flat.

As soon as I get into the flat I pour a glass of vodka; that being the only hard liquor to hand. My hands shake as I lift the glass to my lips. How could I be so stupid?!

The door buzzer goes off and I jump, dropping my glass. It smashes against the counter and slashes my hand as I scramble to catch it. I grab a towel and wrap it around my bleeding palm before answering it. It's Theo of course.

"Lilly, please give me five minutes." He begs.

"I don't want to talk to you. I can't even look at you right now." I say coldly.

"I'll wait here all night if I have to. Please buzz me up."

I know him, he won't give up. I sigh and lean my head against the wall. Best to just get this over with now I suppose. "I'll come down. You have two minutes and then you leave and you don't come back."

"Okay." He whispers.

I step out the front door and Theo scowls at me. "What happened?" He grabs my injured hand and I notice that the towel has soaked through with blood.

I snatch my hand back. "I'm fine. Say what you have to say so you can leave."

"That's a lot of blood, it needs stitches." He growls at me.

"Not the fucking time to play the concerned Ex-boyfriend role!" I scream.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He shouts. He turns and slams his palm against the roof of the Aston. It must be bad if he's threatening the car. He drags his hand through his hair. "I love you Lilly. I'm sorry. It was a mistake. Please don't let her ruin what we have."

"What we have?! We are done Theo." I scream. "We were fucking done the minute you stuck your dick in that slut."

"Let me explain. Please." He begs.

"No. Leave." I grit my teeth.

"Lilly, please don't shut me out like this." He whispers.

"You shut yourself out Theo. Why are you even here, pretending you give a fuck?" I bite venomously.

"No-one is more important than you Lilly. I would go to the ends of the earth for you...even if you don't want me anymore." His voice trails off.

"The mother of your child should be more important Theo." I snap. "You need to leave me alone. You're only prolonging the agony on both our parts."

"Lilly, you need to understand. I did sleep with her, but it wasn't when we were together."

"When?!" I snap out.

He cringes. "That night at Poison." My mind goes back, I remember how bad he looked. His face drawn and haggard. He was so drunk that I had to defend him.

"You fucked her the same night you told me you loved me!?" I clutch at my chest as it aches painfully. I feel like everything we had is now based on a lie. I shake my head. "Oh god, I can't do this. Leave now.”

“I love you so much Lilly, please don’t do this.”  He pleads.

“You did this.” I say, my voice breaking. For once I didn’t self-destruct this time. He was the one who destroyed this.

“I’m sorry.” His face crumples.

“Sorry doesn't change anything. She's pregnant Theo. You should be with her." I feel my eyes well up and a tear streaks down my face, I rub it away quickly, hoping he hasn't seen it, but another quickly follows. The tight leash I usually keep on my emotions snaps. The weight of the last week presses down on me. The gravity of the fact that I'm telling the man I love to go and be with someone else hits me. If I thought I was broken before I’m now utterly shattered, ground to a fine powder that can never be fixed.

"I don't want her Lilly. I'll help her, but I don't want her. It wouldn't be fair to her or anyone for that matter when my heart is so undeniably yours. It always will be." The emotion is thick in his voice. "I'm so sorry. I was heartbroken. I loved you even then and you just walked out like I was nothing. I was in a bad place. I went to the club that night and drank so much I could barely stand. Somewhere along the line I thought she was you. Fuck." He drags his hands through his hair as I finally bring my gaze to meet his.

"I swear to god Lilly, I didn't deliberately betray you, even then, when you'd broken my fucking heart and you didn't want me." His eyes are glassy with unshed tears. I stare at him.

The broken look in his eyes causes me physical pain. I shouldn’t care but I can’t help it. His broad strong shoulders slump forward. This powerful, unbreakable man suddenly seems so fragile. I realise that I really do love him, which makes his betrayal so much worse. I realise that while I've spent so long trying to build my walls and keep the world out, Theodore Ellis has besieged me. He hasn't broken my walls down, no, they're still firmly in place, but he has scaled them and now stands next to me inside my fortress. He knows me, he sees through me and he loves me with a force that rivals the man himself, even when I've shut him out and hurt him. The worst part about this realisation is that it’s not enough. I'm not strong enough for this. I can't watch him have a baby with another woman, maybe that makes me a terrible person, but it just hurts too much.

"I love you Lilly, more than anyone or anything. I'd give up everything I have, everything I am for you in a heartbeat. I would never intentionally hurt you. I was drunk and broken because I'd lost the love of my life."

"And now I've lost mine." I whisper as the tears stream freely down my face.

"No Lilly. Please don't do this. Please. I'm so sorry." He shakes his head and now the moisture in his eyes spills over. It breaks my heart, but I need to quit Theodore Ellis. I've become addicted, dependant, but like all addictive things they're damaging. I'm already damaged. There are only so many ways one person can be broken. That which is broken cannot break, but sometimes it only takes a small tap to make a cracked vase shatter. We may not have been together at the time, but it doesn't make this any less painful.

"I'm sorry Theo." I touch his cheek and press my lips softly against his, my tears spilling onto his lips. I press my cheek to his and whisper in his ear. "I will always love you Theo. You gave me strength, but not enough for this."

I stand and walk away. I shut the door to my flat and slide down to the floor as I cry. I cry for the broken girl I was and the even more broken woman I now am. I cry for the loss of the woman Theodore Ellis made me, even just for a short while, but mostly I cry for the loss of my fractured heart which will always belong to him.

The End

Dear Readers

Thank you so much for reading Besieged. Your support is much appreciated. This book has been eighteen months of writing and re-writing, just trying to get it right.

I love to read Fantasy and Romance, although I hate traditional romance. I don’t believe in true love, and I don’t believe in the perfect man. I believe that women should be strong and independent, not looking for a man to complete them. I was desperate to create a book which conveyed this whilst at the same time realising that people can bring out the best in each other.

I try to put a refreshing twist on the traditional romance. I try to create characters that are flawed and difficult, that have suffered and conquered. I try to create a character like you or I, who isn’t perfect, but whose imperfections make them likeable.

Writing a book is no easy task. For me it started as a pipe dream. As an Indie Author, to finally see it published and know that you have read it brings me so much joy. I hope you enjoyed Lilly and Theo’s rollercoaster story as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

If you liked this book then Conquered; the sequel to Besieged will be released in the Autumn.

Acknowledgements

I firstly want to thank all my readers for buying the book in the first place. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

There are so many people whose help and support were fundamental in creating Besieged.

The main one has to be my partner Garrick who has spent many a night eating dinner alone, or going to bed alone whilst I stay up writing because ‘inspiration has struck’. He has been continually supportive and never complains, the sign of a good man.

The second has to be my Nan, who despite suggesting I get a ‘proper’ job on many occasions has been a huge inspiration to me over the years, and has always supported my less than conventional choice of career.

I’d like to thank my close friends Stephanie Logan, Lucy Kyte, Lizzy Sankey, Dulcie Patten and Caitlin Harris for their continued support and encouragement. Thank you for telling me I could do it when to be honest I thought the whole thing was terrible and no-one would ever read it in a million years. Thank you for being my proof readers and my first readers, despite Steph’s aversion to the word cock, and Dulcie’s hatred of the term ‘balls deep’. I may have been targeting the wrong demographic with you two!