Betrayal (27 page)

‘I haven’t dared to light candles for several years, but then I bought some in case you were here.’

He uttered the words like an awkward confession, as naked before her as she had been before him in the bathroom. As if he wanted to reveal himself in return, as an excuse for his intrusion. Her fear dropped away. He had merely read the wrong signals when she came home with him. And could she actually blame him? He had naturally believed that she would call. That their night together was a prelude. Seen her as a possibility.

What if she stayed for a little while and made him realise that she wasn’t, that what had happened was
a mistake and that she hadn’t meant to hurt him? He wasn’t dangerous, he had only fallen in love and forgotten to find out if she felt the same way.

‘Why haven’t you lit candles for years?’

An attempt at conversation. Approach cautiously and gradually get him to understand.

He looked at her and smiled slightly.

‘There is so much you don’t know about me, that I haven’t managed to tell you yet.’

Wrong track. She had to try and be crystal clear from the beginning.

He beat her to it before she could start over.

‘I would like to ask you a favour.’

‘What kind of favour?’

He swallowed.

‘I would like you to come and sit next to me while you have that on.’

She looked down at the disgusting dressing gown.

‘Why is that?’

He hesitated a long time before continuing, she could see that the words came from deep inside him, that he had to muster his courage to speak his request.

‘I just want you to let me put my head in your lap for a while.’

Almost inaudible. Embarrassed and with his eyes looking down at his hands in his lap.

It was impossible to be afraid of anyone so pitiful. She might as well tell him the truth right away so she could get out of there.

‘I can understand that you may have thought that I, or that we, when we . . . Well, it wasn’t that it was bad or anything like that, but what happened was a mistake, I was drunk and not thinking. Maybe you
hoped we would see each other again, but it’s better that I just tell you the truth. I’m married.’

He sat expressionless. His lack of reaction encouraged her to continue. Why hadn’t she told him the truth from the start? She of all people should know that honesty worked best.

‘Maybe I could borrow some clothes from you and then I’ll send them back later. My husband will worry if I don’t come home soon.’

‘Why should he?’

His voice was suddenly hard and cold. All goodwill gone.

‘Of course he’ll be worried if I don’t come home.’

She could hear the new tone in her own voice. More cautious now.

He shrugged his shoulders.

‘That depends, of course, on what type of marriage you have. Whether you love each other or not. Or if you make a habit of being unfaithful.’

Hurt. Proud and hurt. A dangerous combination. She had to proceed more carefully, his temporary vulnerability had thrown her off the track.

‘I don’t make a habit of being unfaithful. With you was the first time.’

He snorted.

‘What an honour.’

Shit. Wrong again. She had to choose her words better. He was like a minefield.

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way. I mean, we’re two grown people. We were kind to each other for a while.’

‘You mean I was kind to you for a while, don’t you? You used me as consolation when your husband
at home wasn’t doing his part any more, right? Or was it to make him jealous, or did you want revenge for something?’

She stood silent.

‘Where in the midst of everything did you think that I would wind up, after you had used me?’

She didn’t reply. Couldn’t think of any other reason than that every single person takes responsibility for his own life, but right now she didn’t think she had the right to say those words. Everything had broken down. She had to get out of there.

‘I told you I made a mistake. What more can I say than I’m sorry?’

‘And your husband? Do you love him?’

No.

‘Yes.’

‘And if he were unfaithful to you? What would you do then?’

She swallowed.

‘I’m not sure. I would probably try to forgive him. Everybody makes mistakes.’

His eyes narrowed.

‘Nobody who betrays someone deserves to be forgiven. A betrayal can never be forgiven, will never be forgotten, it stays inside like an open wound. Something is torn apart and can never again be made whole.’

She wasn’t the only one in the room who knew how it felt, that was quite obvious. But she had no desire to share her own experiences with him.

He went on.

‘If there was a man who loved you above all else, who was ready to do anything for you, who would
solemnly promise that he would never betray you, that he would always be there for you, standing by your side, would you love him in return?’

She swallowed again and looked down at the floor, fixing her eyes on one of the candles.

‘That’s not exactly how love works, is it?’

‘Then how does it work?’

‘It goes wherever it wants. It’s not something you can control. If you fall in love, then you fall in love.’

‘Is it that simple? Can’t a person do anything to make love grow or make it last?’

She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.

‘You don’t think so?’

‘I don’t know. I’m no expert.’

‘But what exactly is a betrayal? And why does it hurt so much if you know that the person betraying you can’t even help it? That love has just gone where it wants.’

Her weary brain made a brave attempt to follow his logic. ‘The betrayal is the fact that someone lies. That the one you trust is lying right to your face.’

‘So if he goes to bed with someone else and admits it, then it’s OK?’

‘Of course not.’

‘But it should be OK. He can’t decide for himself if he wants to fall in love or not, you said that yourself. So if he confesses then everything would have to be all right, wouldn’t it?’

She sighed.

‘It’s one thing to fall in love, but quite another what you do about it.’

‘So the fact that he loves someone else is not a betrayal?’

She was starting to get really irritated by his questions. Get a life, then you’ll see how easy it is.

‘I don’t know. Can I borrow some clothes now?’

‘So you think that if someone stops loving the one he ought to love, then it’s best not to say anything? Just keep going as usual and pretend everything is the way it should be?’

She didn’t answer.

‘Isn’t that a kind of betrayal too? That the one you think loves you is really just staying with you out of duty and consideration?’

She looked down at the floor again.

He went on. ‘What about all the people who actually live their whole lives together and are happy? If it’s like you say it is, they were just lucky. It didn’t have anything to do with how they actually behaved?’

When she didn’t answer he stood up and went over to the window. Stood there with his back to her. Then he gave a heavy sigh and went back and sat down.

‘So you don’t think it’s possible to learn to love another person, decide to love him and then do one’s best?’

‘No. I don’t believe that.’

Now he had got his answer. Now she wanted to leave.

He sat with his head bowed and his hands in his lap. So naïve. He thought that he loved her, he didn’t even know her, didn’t even know her name.

‘Please, can I borrow some clothes now?’

Slowly he looked up at her again. The disappointment in his face was obvious.

‘Are you in such a hurry to leave?’

In silence their eyes met. She gave up, turned and
went out to the kitchen; he hadn’t been lying, he had really put her clothes to soak in the sink.

Fucking idiot.

She met him in the hall on her way back. In his outstretched hands he held a pair of folded jeans and a red college pullover. She took them gratefully.

‘Thanks. I’ll send them back later.’

He made no comment. Merely nodded towards the bathroom.

‘You can change in there.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Just one thing.’

Her only thought was to leave.

‘I’d be happy to give you a lift somewhere if you like, but there’s something I’d really like to show you before we leave. Maybe you might consider doing this for me, as a sort of farewell. It will only take a couple of minutes.’

Anything, as long as he unlocked the door afterwards.

‘Of course. What is it?’

‘It’s outside.’

Even better.

She went into the bathroom and changed. She heard him rattling his keys in the front door and hurried as best she could. He had a jacket and shoes on when she came out, and she quickly bent down and pulled hers on. He stood quietly inside the front door with the plastic bag he had taken from the boot of the car in his hand.

‘Are you ready?’

She nodded.

‘And you promise I can show you this?’

She nodded again.

‘Cross your heart?’

‘Yes.’

Let me out now, for God’s sake!

He went out in the stairwell and turned on the light. He pushed in the light button four times although the lights went on after the first one, and then locked the top lock. Then back to the light button to press it again before he locked the second one. She watched in astonishment the strange procedure and at the same time took the opportunity to wonder where he was taking her. Everything would have been much easier if she at least had her wallet.

They went down the stairs in silence. She first, he following. On the ground floor he passed her and she saw how he pulled down the sleeve of his jumper as protection before he touched the handle of the front door.

Then they were outside.

‘It’s down here, just below the common.’

She hesitated. A path leading into the woods.

‘You promised.’

Something in his tone made her realise that she had better keep her promise.

‘What is it?’

‘You’ll see. But it’s something really beautiful.’

They started walking. The path sloped down and soon she glimpsed water between the trees. He didn’t say a word. Just below the common, he had said, but their walk was a good bit longer. She was just about to protest, plead that it was too cold, but didn’t.

‘Here. It’s over here.’

A house and a sign but it was too dark to see what
it said. An iron gate and a chain-link fence around it. He turned off the walking path, went over to the fence and raised it so there was about half a metre’s room between the ground and the bottom of the fence. He nodded to her to crawl under it.

‘Can we really go in here?’

‘There’s no danger, I’ve been here plenty of times. Don’t worry about getting dirt on those jeans.’

She didn’t want to, but she had promised. If she refused now, she’d have to walk back to town. She sighed, got down on all fours and crawled under the fence, stood up and brushed off her knees.

He followed.

She looked around. Boats covered by tarpaulins. ‘No trespassing.’ The sign was readable now: ‘Årstadals Boat Club’.

‘Where are we going?’

‘Just out on the wharf over there. The one on the right.’

It was cold without a jacket and she shivered as they made their way through the boats to reach the wharf. Then they went out on the pier and she did as he said, followed it to the right. He was right behind her. When she reached the end of the pier she stopped and looked around. The woods to her right, to her left the island of Södermalm across the water.

She turned around.

‘What was it you wanted to show me?’

He gazed out across the black water, as if he wanted to draw out his answer as long as possible.

‘Something you have never seen or experienced before.’

‘And what’s that?’

She felt impatient now. Impatient and freezing.

He stood completely still. Then he placed his hand over his heart.

‘Here.’

‘Come on now, stop it. I want to go now. If you don’t intend to give me a lift then I’ll walk.’

A furrow between his eyebrows.

‘Why are you always in such a hurry?’

‘I’m freezing.’

She regretted the words at once, they could be taken as an invitation to warm her up.

He looked out over the water again.

‘I’m going to show you what real love is.’

And then his eyes back to hers.

‘If you have time for it.’

This was starting to feel unpleasant, but her irritation was greater than her fear.

‘But I’ve already explained that I’m married. I thought we were finished talking about that.’

‘You understand that real love is when you love someone so much that you’re prepared to do anything to get the one you love.’

‘Oh please . . .’

He interrupted her.

‘That’s how much I love you.’

‘You don’t even know me. You have no idea who I am. And whatever you say, you can’t force me to love you, it doesn’t work that way. I love my husband.’

Suddenly he looked sad.

‘All I want is for you to be happy. Why can’t you let me make you happy?’

‘I really have to go now.’

He took a step to the side and blocked her way.
She tried to pass him on the other side but he blocked her again.

Her uneasiness was growing stronger and she realised that it was best to admit it.

‘You’re scaring me.’

He smiled sadly and shook his head.

‘How can you be afraid of me? I’ve told you that I love you. He, on the other hand, the one you’re in such a hurry to go home to . . . Why don’t you just let him go? Or even better, tell him to go to hell.’

She rubbed her arms to try and warm up.

‘Because I love him, that’s why.’

He sighed.

‘How can someone like you love a man like that? You deserve someone so much better. And Eva, if you want to be completely honest with yourself, deep inside you know that he doesn’t love you any more.’

A sudden jolt through her body.

Eva? What the hell. Eva?

‘How . . .’

She couldn’t find words to formulate the question. Everything had suddenly changed.