Bette Midler (65 page)

Cast: Bette Midler, Nathan Lane, Stockard Channing, David Hyde Pierce, John Cleese

25.
What Women Want
(2000)

Director: Nancy Meyers

Cast: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Marisa Tomei, Valerie Perrine, Bette Midler (unbilled)

Hawaii
(1966)
A seasick missionary’s wife (extra)

The Thorn
, also known as
The Divine Mr. J
(1974)
The Virgin Mary

The Rose
(1979)
Mary Rose Foster (alias, “The Rose”)

Divine Madness!
(1980)
Herself, Soph, Dolores DeLago

Jinxed
(1982)
Bonita

Down and Out in Beverly Hills
(1986)
Barbara Whiteman

Ruthless People
(1986)
Barbara Stone

Outrageous Fortune
(1986)
Sandy Brozinsky

Big Business
(1988)
Sadie Shelton/Sadie Ratliff

Oliver and Company
(1988) (Animated)
Voice of Georgette

Beaches
(1989)
Cecilia Carol Bloom (“C. C. Bloom”)

Stella
(1990)
Stella Claire

Scenes from a Mall
(1991)
Deborah Fifer

For the Boys
(1991)
Dixie Leonard

Hocus Pocus
(1993)
Winifred Sanderson (“Winnie”)

Gypsy
(1993) (U.S. TV movie/worldwide theatrical)
Mama Rose

Get Shorty
(1995)
Doris (unbilled)

The First Wives Club
(1996)
Brenda Morelli Cushman

That Old Feeling
(1997)
Lilly Leonard

Jackie’s Back
(1999) (TV Movie)
Herself

Get Bruce
(2000)
Herself

Isn’t She Great?
(2000)
Jacqueline Susann

Drowning Mona
(2000)
Mona Dearly

What Women Want
(2000)
Dr. Perkins (unbilled role)

Beaches

CC: “Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do
you
think about me?”

____________

CC: “Oh, Harry, you’re an angel. If your mother hadn’t been such a bitch, we could’ve

shared something important.”

____________

CC: “How’s college life? . . . aren’t you done YET?!?”

____________

CC: “What I did? You and your lousy letters. Just to get one of them made me special even

before I opened it. All your crappy stories, all your big dreams.”

Hillary: “I didn’t know that.”

CC: “Well, what the hell did you know? Did you know how bad things were for me? No,

because you wouldn’t even open my letters. If you had even answered one, just one!

Told me what a jerk I was, anything! But you didn’t. You took your friendship away

without even discussing it with me. So, thank you very much for forgiving me. But I

don’t forgive you.”

Hillary: “I was jealous. I was so jealous of you I couldn’t see straight! You did everything you

said you were going to do, everything! And your talent, this incredible talent! I can’t even

yodel!”

CC: “Hillary . . . what’s yodeling got to do with it?”

____________

CC: “Wait till I get my hands on that agent. I’ll kill him. The toad. He told me this was a nightclub with leather banquettes, and a dressing room with a door on it! It looks like a flamingo threw up in here!”

____________

CC: “Are you ready for your radar, dear?”

____________

CC: “Dear Hillary, if you’re still mad at me, you’re gonna love this letter. My career is officially approaching oblivion. My agent had a brilliant idea: he thinks I should be a disco queen.”

____________

Hillary: “I’m not stubborn, I’m . . . right.”

CC: “OK, stay in. But will you at least get out of those pajamas? You’ve been in them for

over a week!”

Hillary: “So what? Who the hell are you, the clothes police?”

CC: “You’re not dead yet: so stop living as if you are!”

____________

CC: “I was so wrecked, they had to shut down my first picture. It was horrible. I was terribly edgy. . . . I wasn’t comfortable in the medium, you know? So I broke the director’s jaw.”

____________

CC: “I’m doing what I set out to do, remember? I’m living the life you didn’t
have the courage to live. So don’t give me you’re not jealous. You’re so jealous you can hardly breathe.”

____________

CC: “Listen. I know everything there is to know about you. And my memory is long. My memory is very, very long.”

Big Business

Sadie Ratliff: “I hate men who smell like beer and bean dip . . . and makin’ love in the back of recreational vehicles!”

____________

Sadie Shelton: “I don’t see how is it that you, my own sister, can stuff your face and nothing happens and I subsist on 60 calories a day or else blow up like a Macy’s Day float!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “Whoa . . . I’ve tied hogs slipperier ’n you!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “Mmm! Friendly men in this town!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “I find myself just praying for a UFO sighting! I stand here and I say, come and get me, come and get me!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “Not with a man covered in pig poop, no sir, I don’t.”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “I’m not gonna stick around here like a clove on a baked ham, I’m gonna kick up my heels!”

____________

Sadie Shelton: “Is this how we come dressed to the office? You look like a blood clot.”

____________

Sadie Shelton: “What’s this, are we hearing voices now . . . like Joan of Ark?”

____________

Sadie Shelton: “I know your plans, sit up in that room and pretend you’re wafting through a field of daisies while you make love to the pastry cart—now PUT DOWN THAT ECLAIR and get down here and help me find these RATLIFF people!”

____________

Sadie Shelton: “Oh, god! It’s me with a bad haircut!”

Sadie Ratliff: “Bad?! I paid twelve bucks for this!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “It’s pod people! I saw that movie!”

Sadie Shelton: “I was at the premier!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “They’re robots! They wanna kill us a-and take our places! There’s UFO written all over this thang!”

____________

Sadie Ratliff: “These press-on nails . . . think I shoulda pressed harder, Rose?”

Divine Madness

Bette: “The question before us is where’s her clitoris?”

____________

Bette: “Oh, my girls! When I first saw these girls, they were peddling their papayas on 42nd street, so flushed, so filthy. The astonishing verbal abuse they heaped upon me made me certain that we were destined to share the stage someday. Not only are my girls fine singers and dancers, not only are they gorgeous and talented, but they also think I’m GOD!”

____________

Bette: “How ‘bout a spotlight up here, huh? How ‘bout a nice white spotlight for the Diva who’s sweating her guts out up here, huh?!”

____________

Bette: “And then a wee voice called out to me in the night and reminded me of the motto by which I’ve always tried to live my life: F°@k ‘em if they can’t take a joke!”

____________

Down and Out in Beverly Hills

Barbara: “It’s true. I am a vegetarian. But I hear that vodka comes from a potato!”

____________

Barbara: “Guilt is useless.”

____________

Barbara: “He’s going to give that dog fleas, and it’s going to be YOUR fault.”

____________

Barbara: “I think I see your aura.”

Drowning Mona

Mona: “You’ve been playing
Wheel of Fortune
with someone else!”

____________

Mona: “Well, life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to make out of that?”

Phil: “Shit salad?”

____________

Mona: “Fun? I lost Wyatt. I’m a loser. Does that sound like fun to you?”

____________

Mona: “Why don’t you take that trophy and shove it up your ass, Calzone!”

____________

Mona: “I don’t wanna hurt someone. I wanna hurt you!”

First Wives Club

Brenda: “Now, I ask you, Duarto, who’s supposed to wear that? Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It’s a conspiracy, I know it is! I’ve had enough. I’m leading a protest. I’m not buying another article of clothing until these designers come to their senses!”

____________

Brenda: “What’s the matter, Morty? Can’t you buy her a whole dress?”

____________

Brenda: “Bye Bye, love. . . . hello, Pop-Tarts”

____________

Brenda: “My Morty became this big shot on TV. Then it hits: midlife crisis. Major. He starts

working out. He grows a mustache. He gets an earring! I said, “Morty, what are you, a pirate? What’s next, a parrot?”

____________

Brenda: “There she is. Princess Pelvis!”

____________

Brenda: “My, my, the bulimia has certainly paid off.”

____________

Brenda: “Let’s examine the evidence. Look! Nothing but bottles and gallon jugs!”

Elise: “I had guests!”

Brenda: “Who? Guns N Roses?”

____________

Elise: “I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.”

Brenda: “No, that’s why your co-stars drink.”

____________

Brenda: “This is just like
Mission: Impossible!”

Elise: “Oh! That was a big hit!”

For the Boys

Dixie: “It was purple alright . . . but I don’t think it was his heart”

____________

Dixie: “The thing you wanna avoid is outlasting everybody. Can you remember that?”

____________

Dixie: Mind if I smoke?

Eddie: I don’t care if you burn.

Dixie: What a prince.

____________

Dixie: “Well . . . alone in the dark with thousands of men. There is a God after all!”

____________

Eddie: “Why don’t you put a dress on him and forget about it?”

Dixie: “I would, but then you’d probably make a pass at him!”

____________

Eddie: “Just relax and follow my lead.”

Dixie: “Yeah. Right off a cliff.”

____________

Dixie: “And how they loved him, those boys. He was generous . . . stingy. Brilliant . . . infuriating. And a world-class, solid-gold, son-of-a-bitch.”

____________

Dixie: “Oh my god! Eddie, look. Up there, in the fish tank! It’s . . . the sponsors! Gentlemen, may I say, your coffee, I can’t live without it. Because it isn’t just coffee. It’s nectar, it’s ambrosia, it’s really more like a drug, isn’t it? I mean, I’m sure you do put a little narcotic in it because I can’t seem to get enough of it. I’ve, I’ve, I’ve got to have that coffee!!!”

____________

Dixie: “Who’s next? Rudolph? He’s got a red nose, too. . . . we can’t be too careful!”

Gypsy

Rose: “If I coulda been, I woulda been. And that’s show business.”

____________

Rose: “What do they mean, can’t I read signs? If I can read the fine print on our contracts, I can certainly read letters two feet high. ‘The mother of Miss Gypsy Rose Lee is not allowed backstage at this theater.’ Hummph. Know what I did with that sign? I laid it out on the ground and sent Chowsy III down on it. That dog’s a trooper. She knew what to do!”

____________

Rose: “We got Herbie for brains, you for talent, and ya both got me . . . to yell at.”

Rose: “If that cow goes, I go!”

____________

Rose: “It ain’t bunk! Maybe nothin’ wonderful’ll happen to me, but they’re gonna have a

marvelous time!”

Hocus Pocus

Winnifred: “You know, I’ve always wanted a child. And now I think I’ll have one . . . on toast!”

____________

Billy: “Go to hell!”

Winnifred: “Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.”

____________

Winnifred: “Oh Look another Gloooorious morning. . . . IT MAKES ME SICK!”

____________

Winnifred: “Booooooooook, come to mommy!”

____________

Winnifred: “Hello, I want my book. . . . Bonjour, je veux mon livre.”

Jinxed

Bonita: “There’s no vowels. This isn’t funny, Harold. This isn’t funny.”

____________

Bonita: “Harold! You look just like Frank Sinatra!”

____________

Bonita: “Remember that outfit you said you wouldn’t be caught dead in? Well, guess what, Harold. This . . . is it!”

____________

Bonita: “You came in like a shit-kicker, honey, but you’re not going out like one.”

____________

Bonita: “Talk to my ass, my head’s had enough.”

Isn’t She Great?

Editor: “You can’t call the male part a dingle.”

Jackie: “Why not?”

Editor: “You just can’t.”

Jackie: “Dingle, dingle, dingle! What do you call it? A butter-churn?”

Oliver and Company

Georgette: “Perfect isn’t easy, but it’s me.”

____________

Georgette: “I’d like to play with him all right—the little furball!”

Outrageous Fortune

Sandy: “Every guy I have ever slept with . . . and we are way into double digits here, has come back for more, every single one.”

____________

Lauren: “They’ve been HERE!”

Sandy: “Wait a second, no one has been here, it always looks like this!”

____________

Sandy: “I’m supposed to have them unhook my IV so I can pay my bills, is that the routine?”

____________

Sandy: “You know and I know I’m never gonna get another cab to come out here to Vietnam, okay, cue ball?”

____________

Lauren: “I haven’t seen a single white person on the street.”

Sandy: “There’s one. Oops, they got him!”

____________

Sandy: “Oh, like that’s really a call he’s gonna take: ‘hello, we’re two starving actresses trying to save the world.’ . . . GET REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”