Better Than None (22 page)

Barb was so groggy when she finally did wake that our conversations
went round and round. I tried to explain what was happening, what the doctors
were going to do but it was obvious that little was getting through. I stayed
with her until the evening and then finally left to go back to her house, take
care of her animals, turn on the lights, close the blinds, take in the mail...
and then repeat a similar routine once I got to my own home. I considered
having a drink to numb me more than I already was, but having not eaten a thing
all day, I chose bed instead. When I finally lay my head on the pillow I
wondered how things could get any worse.

****

I was thankful the following day was Saturday as I dreaded asking Marty
for any more time off, not that he ever once made me feel guilty. My mom
drifted in and out of sleep and when she was awake, they had her so doped up,
it wasn’t like she was really awake at all. Still, I sat at her bedside all
day. There was nothing I could do, but there was nowhere else I could imagine
being.

A soft knock turned my attention from my laptop to find Marty hanging
in the doorway. “Hey, Steph. Can I come in?”

A more welcome face I couldn’t imagine. “Oh Marty! Of course! Come in,
come in. What are you doing here?”

He walked in slowly regarding my sleeping mother and spoke softly. “I
wanted to check on you, see how you were doing.” He stood awkwardly.

“About as well as can be expected.”

“How’s your mom?” He asked and looked at her. She looked so old and
frail, her mouth hanging open as she slept, I didn’t want him to see her like
that. I’d wished he’d met her when she was her, not the cancer patient he saw
before him.

I gave him the rundown of what happened and what they were planning on
doing. At first I glossed over the details not wanting to bore him, but Marty
asked a lot of questions, his interest and concern clear.

“And how are
you
? You’ve got to be exhausted.” He asked with
such sincerity.

“I think I’m a couple steps below exhausted.” I tried to tease but he
just gave me a sympathetic smile. He was so sweet, but after everything that
had just happened with Brad I simply couldn’t give Marty too much. My walls
were starting to build themselves out of self-preservation already. So I played
a card I knew well: diversion. “Hey, since you’re here, can I show you some
concepts I’ve been working on?”

He rolled his eyes and smiled, “Sure. Let’s see what you got.” I turned
my laptop towards him and we both bent over it as I scrolled through different
comps and ideas. We spent the better part of an hour talking through some of
the work and tossing concepts back and forth. And while it started out as
deflection, it quickly turned into a healthy exchange, and one I readily
welcomed. It was so nice to focus on something other than life and death.

Barb started to mutter in her sleep and Marty took that as his cue to
leave. “There’s some really good thinking there, Steph.”

“Thanks, Marty.”

“You amaze me. Truly.” He said and the pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m
really lucky to have you.”

“Ahem.”

Both Marty and I turned as we broke from our hug to find Brad in the
doorway. If I thought I’d seen him cold and mean before, I was wrong. The stare
that he leveled at me was vicious, though why he’d be mad at me made no sense.
He was the one who dumped me. After standing there for a beat too long I
realized Marty was there.

“Marty, this is my mom’s oncologist, Dr. Rosenberg. Dr. Rosenberg,
Marty.” I made the introductions and both men seemed to regard each other
skeptically as they shook hands.

“I was just leaving.” Marty said to both of us and then turned to me.
“Let me know if you need anything. Anything. You know I’m here for you.” I
smiled, nodded and thanked him before he leaned in and gave me a kiss on my
cheek.

“Dr. Rosenberg.” Marty said as walked out.

Brad just stood there, arms folded, staring at me. Whatever had crawled
up his ass was beyond me and I was too tired and hurt to care. I started to sit
down.

“Well you’ve moved on quickly.” The daggers he shot me were palpable.

I stood back up. Ram-rod straight. “Excuse me?!”

“Did I stutter?”

It amazed me how this man who had been so tender could be so incredibly
cold. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as I chuckled tightly. “Obviously I
should have stuck with my first impression of you because it’s clear you never
stopped being a colossal prick. Were you just bottling up your inner jackass
for the last month or so?”

“Just calling it the way I see it, Stephanie.”

“Yeah, cause you’re never wrong.”

He shook his head and smirked. “And I was worried I’d actually hurt
you. I can’t believe this happened again.”

“What are we talking about?”

“You obviously have been with him, Marty, for a while. Were you fucking
him while you were with me?”

“
What
!?”

“You really had me fooled, I’ll give you that.” He huffed and clenched
his jaw. “I believed all your bullshit about your little relationship freak
outs. Jesus, I played right into your hand didn’t I?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Marty is my
boss
!”

“You’re fucking your boss?!”

“
No!
There’s nothing going on with him!” If I weren’t so
incredibly angry, I’d think this was a fucked up version of
Who’s on First
.

“Now you’re going to lie to me?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I know what I saw.” He said flatly.

“What you saw, you presumptuous piece of shit, was someone comforting
me, caring about me. That’s all. Whether or not you believe me, I really don’t
have the energy to waste worrying about.” I grit my teeth and smirked. “And to
think, I’ve been pining over you dumping me. At least you gave me this, so
thank you. You’re making it a lot easier to get over you.”

“Stephanie.” He started.

“Don’t you Stephanie me, Brad. I’m not your wife. Just because she
cheated on you doesn’t mean that I did, though now I can’t say that I blame
her.” I paused letting that sink in. “And, not that it matters what you think,
but I would never,
ever
cheat on anyone. I’d have the decency to just
leave.”

I couldn’t tell if he believed me though it seemed like some part of
him was reconsidering his initial accusation. It didn’t much matter. I should
have been glad he was showing his true colors, but all I felt was sick to my
stomach and even more depressed. I’d opened myself up to this man and the
thought that he could think so little of me hurt even more than being dumped in
the first place.

My mom was back home after spending more than a week in the hospital
this last time, and my days were filled with work, taking care of her and her
animals and trying to decide when she was going to need more care than I could
offer. Every time we’d start the conversation, it would end up with her telling
me that she didn’t want a stranger in the house and some variation of, “I have
you, Stephy. I don’t need anyone else.” It was impossible for me to press after
that.

My dinners were becoming a cocktail or two at home. As much as I knew
it wasn’t healthy, I felt like I deserved it. On the days before Barb’s chemo,
when I knew I’d see Brad, the alcohol was about all I could depend on getting
me to sleep for a few hours. After the incident at the hospital, I had seen him
three times in clinic and chose to stare at my laptop when he’d stop by to talk
with my mom.

I couldn’t even look him in the eye but I could feel his stare as he
would typically linger long after the conversation with Barb had ended.
Breaking up with me was one thing. Relationships end, I got that. But the
accusation that I’d been screwing around on him was unforgivable. He knew I had
my issues, but if he thought I could do that meant he had no idea who I was.

While there was nothing good about what my mother was going through,
the only remotely positive thing that did come out of it was perspective. I
felt as hollow as I ever had, yet there was a part of me that was proud I had a
relationship at all. It didn’t lessen the hurt. I thought about Brad every
fucking minute. I hated him for breaking my heart. I hated myself for opening
up to someone only to be crushed by them. I hated that, in my time of need, I
had no one to turn to. I never expected anyone before, but I’d become
comfortable having him to talk with, to lean on, to simply share my life with.
And now I didn’t. Yet as bad as I felt, and as hurt as I was, there were far
worse things in life, so I tried my best to soldier on doing whatever I could
that I thought might help.

It had been ages since I had taken a yoga class but I knew I had to do
something to try to get out of my mind and yoga was a healthier alternative to
drinking, not that they were mutually exclusive. Through every pose, I had to
force myself to listen to the instructor and focus on my posture and breathing
so that I wouldn’t let my mind drift back to Brad. Even then, he crept in. The
class was packed and hot and it felt good to use muscles that I’d ignored as I
sweated through each and every pose, fighting for it like holding a pose would
somehow heal something inside me.

As I was rolling up my mat, I heard a familiar voice, “Stephanie?” I
looked up to see Sherri. I’m not sure I would have recognized her. Her hair had
grown a bit and was now just shy of being a pixie. But it wasn’t just the hair.
She looked healthier than I’d ever seen. She had a nice flush in her face and
her eyelashes and eyebrows had started to grow back. But her smile was the
same: warm and welcoming. I’m sure it was the emotion of everything: my mom, Brad,
and seeing her knowing what she’d been through, and maybe the release that I
sometimes got from a good yoga class. Or perhaps all of the above that made me
practically crush her into a bear hug.

“Sherri! Oh my God look at you, you look amazing!” I squealed and she
laughed.

“Well, it’s not hard to look better than when you last saw me!”

I smiled and she linked her arm in mine as we walked out together. I’d
never met anyone as warm as Sherri. She wasn’t afraid to put herself out there,
to give her love. It’s said that you get what you give and in her case it was
true. I couldn’t help but smile and squeeze her arm in return.

Once we’d navigated through the sweaty bodies lingering and finally got
outside I surprised myself when I asked her to coffee. I needed to keep myself
distracted and I enjoyed her company. We chatted easily about how my mom was
doing and about Sherri’s own recovery. I had begun getting comfortable sharing
with Brad and Marty, but neither of them went through the disease itself. Now, with
Brad gone, it was nice talking with someone who understood. 

“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s given me perspective on everything.”
Sherri said.

I nodded, understanding that all too well. “At least there’s one good
thing that’s come out of it, right?” We both smiled. “But you don’t strike me
as someone who ever sweat the small stuff.”

She furrowed her brows.

“I know it’s silly for me to say, I don’t really know you well, but I
don’t know… especially here in LA a lot of women are so focused on everything superficial.
And you can just tell when someone’s not.” I shrugged.

“You mean like most of our yoga class?” she teased and we both
chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve never been like that, but still, having gone through
cancer I learned what was truly important. It definitely gave me a lot of time
to think and reflect, that’s for sure.”

We kept chatting and before long, more than an hour had passed and I
realized I needed to get to Barb’s. “Sherri, this was so nice!”

“It was, wasn’t it?! Who knew something like chemo could bring people
together?” Her words hit me hard and I just smiled and nodded. Who knew,
indeed. “Will you be here next week?” she asked enthusiastically, and the
minute she asked, I knew my answer.

“I will now!”

“Oh, great! Please give my love to your mom. And I know that everyone
says this, but you know that I mean it. If there is anything, anything at all I
can do, please let me know. Honest.”

“I know you mean it, truly. Thanks, Sherri.” We hugged each other
tightly and said our goodbyes.

As I drove to Barb’s, I tried to focus on the good, not that there was
much, but I’d made a friend, and that was more than I typically did. So I’d
take that and put it in the plus column.

****

That yoga class and coffee were the highlight of my week, which wasn’t
a difficult feat given everything. So by the following weekend, I was actually
looking forward to something. I was late getting to class and ended up in the
back. Once again, it was good to focus on the poses and my breathing. As the
sweaty bodies filtered out, I hung back waiting to see if Sherri was there.
When I saw her she broke into a grin and held out her arms for a hug.

“I’m soaking wet!” I warned.

“You think a little sweat would bother me? Plus,
I
need a hug,
so come here, you!” We hugged tightly and once again, she linked her arm in
mine as we walked out. This little bit of tenderness and unrestrained affection
warmed me, though she seemed more subdued than the previous week.

As we walked to the same coffee house it was clear that something was
bothering her. “Sherri, are you ok?”

She rolled her eyes and gave me a half smile. “Men trouble.” She
admitted with a shrug.

“You’re dating?” I hoped I didn’t sound as surprised as I was. She’d
just finished chemo and beat breast cancer. I couldn’t imagine being ready for
dating after that. Well, really at all.

“Long story, but no, I got back together with my ex. Oh! There’s a
table!” she pointed to where a couple had just left. “You grab it, I’ll get the
coffees.” She already started towards the counter so I nabbed the spot before
anyone else could.

When she got back we made small talk at first.

“So is this your regular yoga class?”

“Nah, I actually hadn’t been to a class in ages. I just felt like I
needed to do something to get me out of my head.” Much as I wanted to talk with
someone about Brad, I still felt like our relationship had to be kept a secret
out of respect for his career.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Not that it’s really working for me.”

“Me neither.” I admitted.

“Do you ever feel like even though you know you shouldn’t do something,
you go ahead and do it because you think this time it’ll be different?”

I laughed and nodded. “I know that feeling all too well… I don’t mean
to pry, but is this about your ex?”

“You’re not prying. I brought it up. And yeah. We should have stayed
broken up.” She took a long sip. “He doesn’t want me back, I just think he just
wants to soothe his conscience. I think it’s part of his hero complex that he
has to save everyone, or whoever he can. He wants to believe he can fix
everything. But some things, once they’re broken, they can’t be put back
together, know what I mean?” She asked rhetorically, took a sip of her coffee
and then said sadly, “but we’re not who we used to be together. We grew apart a
long time ago… I don’t even know why I asked him back.”

The hairs on the back of my neck started tingling. This was sounding
way too familiar. “Then why did you?”

“I don’t know. I knew why I left. And I didn’t want him staying with me
out of pity, because he would have because I had cancer. I know he would have.
So I had to be the one to leave.” Sherri paused. She didn’t seem upset or
depressed. She seemed the worst kind of emotion: indifferent.

“And now he’s miserable with me. He won’t say it, but it’s obvious.”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “It must be me, not that I blame him
after what I did...” she trailed off and I started feeling queasy. “Some of our
friends who have known us almost as long as we’d been together, they had said
he was starting to seem like his old self lately. Like the darkness that seemed
to consume him had lifted. It was one of the reasons I wanted him back. I
thought that maybe the man I’d fallen in love with was back.”

I tried to fish in my subtlest way, hoping that the sinking feeling I
was getting was off target, way off. “Maybe he was just happy that your cancer
was responding to treatment?”

“No, it was something else. Or someone else. Our friends were convinced
he was seeing someone. They said he was happy, and I hadn’t seen him happy in
years. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he were seeing someone. He had every
right. We were broken up, a signature away from a divorce. And after what I’d
done, hell, I’d feel less guilty if he
had
hooked up with someone else.”

At that moment I thought I might be sick. What an idiot I had been. Up
until then, I had no reason to put together who Brad’s wife was. He never
mentioned her by name, and I never pushed. I tried to respect his boundaries.
But from the first moment when I saw her in chemo, now it was all starting to
become crystal clear. The way he squeezed her shoulder and the way she scowled
at him. The way she would ignore him during treatment. And then his reaction to
the wig that looked just like her old hair. I had no way of knowing. How could
I have? And even if I did, would it have changed anything? Maybe. I liked
Sherri. And the thought of being the other woman turned my stomach.

“Are you ok, Steph?”

“Sorry, I think the coffee and the yoga just aren’t mixing well. Sorry,
Sherri, but I think I should go.”

“No apologies! Are you ok to drive?” She asked with such concern, it made
me feel even worse. I nodded and smiled. “Ok, feel better! See you in next
week’s class?” I nodded again and then rushed out of there as fast as I could.

Having grown up with a mother who cheated for most of her married life,
I abhorred the idea of affairs. It was one more way in which I saw weakness in
my mother. I didn’t expect her to love the man my father became. I understood
that couldn’t be forced, whether or not there was a marriage certificate. It
was that she didn’t have the courage to leave him that infuriated me. She was
always so afraid to be alone, to be on her own “without a man” as she put it,
that she stayed with him for years for fear of the alternative.

I didn’t know Sherri well enough to judge her. I’d seen how cold and
mean Brad could be. What I had experienced with him must have been the opposite
of what she did. He started so cold with me and gradually warmed up. To go in
reverse, especially knowing just how warm and loving he could be, if that was
the baseline, I could understand wondering, hoping that perhaps eventually he’d
turn back into the man she must have fallen in love with.