Better Than Okay (27 page)

“I’m not sure.”

She wasn’t exactly in the position to be turning down job offers.
She needed to support herself and this job was paying more than she’d been
making at
UMusic
. Still, her home was
in Miami. Brian was in Miami. She watched him staring at his food, deep in
thought. She sighed and bit her lip then glanced at Dorian. He was watching
them both, his expression pained. She knew when she got involved with Brian
she’d be putting him in the middle, whether she intended to or not.

“I can’t really afford to turn down potential job offers,” she
said, voicing her thoughts aloud again. “I could be leaving a good opportunity
on the table.”

Brian looked up at her. “And what would you be leaving in Miami?”

She bit her lip and stared at him, her stomach churning. He
released a long breath and leaned back in his seat, running his hand over his head.
She knew he was forcing his expression to be blank again. He’d gotten so good
at it over the years it was probably like second nature.

 
Dorian shook his head.
“You need to be cool,” he reasoned, looking at Brian. “She needs to at least
consider it.”

Brian looked up at him, anger flashing in his eyes. “And you need
to mind your own business,” he snapped. His voice was low and serious.

Dorian frowned, his dimple indenting his cheek. “She is my
business,” he replied evenly, eyeing him.

“And she’s not mine?” he countered fixing a look on him that
would’ve intimated anyone else. “You’re overstepping your boundaries, D.”

“You put me in the middle of ya’lls shit all of the time, dude. And
now I’m overstepping my boundaries because my little cousin is sitting here
looking like she’s about to fucking cry?”

“And that’s my fault?” Brian asked, glaring at him.

“Stop it,” she hissed, looking at both of them, her face twisted
in anger. “I am sitting right here, you two do realize that, right?
 
I’m not anybody’s business but my own.
And I make my own damn decisions, thank you. Don’t debate me like I’m a
freaking invalid.”

She glared at Dorian then looked at Brian. They were the only two
men that had ever really loved her, even if it was in totally different ways.
The last time they’d argued about her like this had been when she’d briefly
dated Eric Rogers when she was a sophomore in high school. He played ball with
them and neither one of them liked him. They’d argued about which one of them
had “let her” date him, as if they had the power to decide those kinds of
things for her. She’d gotten pissed and hadn’t talked to either of them for two
weeks.

Brian had been the first to apologize. They’d never disrespected
her decision-making, or tried that chauvinistic crap on her again. Well, in her
presence at least. She pushed out a breath. Neither one of them was looking at
her.

“This sucks,” she muttered, shaking her head as she twirled her
straw in her lemonade.

“No shit, Sherlock,” Dorian retorted dryly.

Brian ran a hand over his head again and scowled. The flirty
waitress slid up smiling but it faltered a little when she looked at all of
their sullen faces.

“You guys good over here?” she asked, eyeing them.

“Yeah, we’ll take the check,” Brian answered.

Dorian was staring into space. They were silent until the waitress
came back with the check. Dorian started to hand the waitress his card but
Brian waved him off.

“I got it,” he said, passing her his card.

He leaned back in his chair and sighed again. He finally met
Destiny’s eyes. She bit her lip, knowing she couldn’t mask the confusion and
ache on her face. He looked away. She sighed again and looked up at the TV
silently until the waitress came back with his card. Not only had she ruined
the best night of her life, she’d just ruined lunch.

* * *

They didn’t say much on the drive back. Brian had stopped by the
liquor store on his way to her apartment and she’d sat in the car while he ran
in. Once they were inside of her cool apartment she kicked off her sandals and
headed back to her bedroom while he fiddled around in the kitchen. She plopped
down on to the bed and stared at the ceiling. He came in a few minutes later, a
drink in his hand. He seated himself on the edge of her frilly comforter and
sipped the brown liquid slowly.

“Jack?” she asked, turning her head to look at him.

He nodded. “You want some?”

She sat up and he handed her the glass, watching as she took a
swig, wincing as the liquid burned its way down her throat, warming her belly.
She handed the glass back to him and lay down again, sighing.

“It’s only an interview, Brian,” she said softly, breaking the
silence.

He twisted his body to look at her. “And what happens if you get it?”

She sighed. “I don’t know.”

He pushed himself back on the bed until his back was resting
against the headboard and looked down at her.

“I have to be realistic,” she said. “I need a job.”

“Have you even seriously started looking here yet?”

She bit her lip and studied the ceiling again. “This is right in
front of me though. It seems irresponsible to not even think about it.”

He sighed and ran a hand over his head, taking another swig of his
drink.

“I’m not telling you to be irresponsible,” he said, sitting the
drink on her nightstand. “I’m just wondering why Phoenix is even an option at
all at this point. It shouldn’t even be an option.”

She turned her head to look at him. “It’s not like I went
searching this out, Brian.”

“But you’re seriously considering it. And if you get the job,
you’ll seriously consider taking it.”

She released a breath, her silence saying more than any words
could.

“I don’t do long distance.”

She turned sharply to look up at him, her breath increasing.

“So, what are you saying?” She pushed herself up on the bed next
to him. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

“No,” he said starkly. “I’m giving you the truth.”

She stared at him, shocked, and angry. “You’re seriously putting
this kind of pressure on me? On us? You know I need a job, Brian.”

“So you
want
to move to
Phoenix? What the hell have we been doing then? Huh, Destiny?”

“What do you mean, what have we been doing?” she asked, wrinkling
her brow as she stared him.

He wasn’t being fair or thinking logically. She didn’t even have
the job yet. She hadn’t even agreed to take the interview. He pushed out a
breath.

“This isn’t a game to me. This isn’t something I just randomly
decided to do with you to pass the time, or because I was bored or curious. I
came into this knowing that whatever happened between us would be serious, from
the very beginning. And I still made that choice. And after everything we’ve
been through lately—even after last night, you obviously still don’t feel
the same way.”

“You think I’m with you because I’m bored? Or curious?” she yelled
in disbelief. “How can you say that?” she asked incredulously as she studied
him.

“Because you can seriously consider leaving!”

His voice had risen and he pushed himself off of the bed and paced
to the other side of the room, running his hand over his head.

“You can’t control everything, Brian,” she said, forcing
herself
to be calm.

“Are you joking?” he asked, turning to face her. His expression
was furious. “Control everything!? I don’t control
anything
when it comes to you, Destiny! You have me wrapped around
your finger! You move, I move. You’re sad, I’m sad. You’re happy, I’m happy.
All you have to do is bite your damned lip and blink at me with those big brown
eyes, and it’s over! Does that sound like control to you?”

He looked at her, his eyes full of agony. She picked up his drink
and took another sip, burning her throat, her chest heaving as she stared at
him, not knowing what to say.

“I love you, Destiny,” he said, looking her directly in the eyes,
his voice more controlled. “I’m starting to wonder if you even get how much I
love you, or if you think it’s something I just say for the hell of it. But I
can’t keep doing this with you. You can’t keep pushing me away. It’s like we
take a step forward and then two steps back and I can’t keep doing this… not
with you.”

He paused a beat, shaking his head. His eyes were tortured and she
felt like she was going to be sick.

“I can’t keep being the only one choosing here, baby,” he said,
his baritone barely above a whisper. “At some point you have to choose me too.”

She pressed a hand to her stomach, trying to control the nausea
that was stirring there as she jumped off of the bed, crossing the room to
stand in front of him.

“But I do choose you, Brian,” she insisted, her voice shaky.

She pressed up on her toes and kissed him, her heart thudding in
her chest, tears welling in her eyes. He couldn’t be pulling away from her. Not
now. She couldn’t lose him.
 
If she
wasn’t able to do it with her words, she could try to convince him this way.
Their chemistry was intoxicating, and she knew he couldn’t deny her anymore
than she could him.

 
She waited for him to
respond, pressing herself into him, molding her mouth to his. Finally, he
started to reciprocate her touching.
 
He ran his hands down her ribcage to her hips, pulling her roughly
against him. She felt him hard against her stomach, and she moaned into his
mouth, her body instinctively remembering everything he’d done to her the night
before and yearning for more.
 
He
pushed his hands under her dress, cupping her butt as he lifted her up and into
him. He pressed his forehead to hers, breathing heavily.

“I can’t do this,” he said, sounding distressed as he pulled away
from her. He shook his head and backed away from her, breathing heavily. “I
can’t.”

She felt warm tears spilling down her cheeks but she didn’t bother
to wipe them away. She wished she could say the words he needed to hear, wished
she could tell him she loved him too. Wished she could tell him she wouldn’t
even consider the job in Phoenix, but it would be a lie. She had to get her
life together, and if it meant taking a job in Phoenix, then that’s what she
would have to do.

His eyes were tormented as he looked at the tears crawling down
her face. He pulled her to him again, pressing his forehead to hers. He kissed
her lips then pulled away again. She followed helplessly as he walked
soundlessly out of her bedroom to the door, he didn’t glance at her again when
he walked out of it, the lock clicking behind him.

She turned listlessly and walked to her room, tears streaming
uncontrollably down her cheeks. This time when she lay crumpled in the bed,
sobbing, she knew he wasn’t coming to hold her. She’d finally gotten what she’d
deserved. She’d broken them.

Chapter 25

Destiny buckled the drab, gray airplane seatbelt across her lap
and looked silently out of the tiny window, watching the workers clad in bright
orange and dark blue hustle bags on and off the large carts on the tarmac. Someone
bumped into her leg and she glanced up.

“I’m so sorry,” a frail woman with frizzy hair wearing a flower
print shirt apologized, looking distraught. Destiny smiled.

“It’s okay,” she said reassuringly. “These seats are really
tight.”

The woman smiled gratefully and she turned her attention back to
the window. The hum of the air circulating through the cabin was especially
loud today. Her phone buzzed in her hand and she answered it.

“Hey Ray,” she said.

“Hey Mopey. You make your flight?”

“Yep, barely.”

She sighed, glancing up as a man in a dress shirt and jeans slid
into the aisle seat next to the frazzled lady. He grinned and gave her a small
wave, which she politely returned. She was catching the first flight available
to Phoenix. She couldn’t stand the thought of spending another day in her
apartment, alone with her thoughts, like she did all day Saturday.

For the first couple of hours after he left on Friday it was like
she was in denial. She kept expecting him to call or to text. But her phone
didn’t ring once. By the time the sun went down she was sick to her stomach,
literally. The nausea boiled in her abdomen and she’d actually run to the
toilet, though nothing would come up. She felt like she was going crazy. Stuck
inside of her brain and the guilt and anger and confusion that were consuming
her. Brian had been her calm. And now he was gone.

She’d sobbed herself to sleep and when she woke up in the middle
of the night, she half expected him to be there in the bed with her. On
Saturday it was worse. She stayed in bed most of the afternoon, but couldn’t
get the numbness to come back to her. She’d broken down and called Raven, just
so she could get out of her head. She’d listened to her cry over the phone,
replaying the details of the argument. She’d told her about the night before,
and how he’d made her feel safe and cherished and loved with his actions and
words and how she’d pushed him away anyway. Raven didn’t say a whole lot. She
just mostly listened and tried to console her, though she was beyond consoling
by that point.

Her heart felt like it weighed a ton and her stomach was
constantly clenched. She knew she needed to get the hell of out of Miami, as
soon as she possibly could. After scouring every website she knew of she’d
found something reasonable for Sunday and had booked the flight with the one
credit card she owned.

“I take it you haven’t talked to him,” Raven was saying, snapping
her out of her thoughts.

“No.”

Raven sighed.

“You needed to do this, Tweety. For you. For your own sanity. You
don’t have to take the job, if they offer it to you. But you probably would’ve
regretted not going.”

Destiny bit her lip, still staring out of the window.

“Yeah, but I regret losing him even more. Why can’t I just tell
him I love him? What’s wrong with me?”

There was silence on the other end and she imagined Raven tapping
her foot restlessly against whatever was nearby.

“You just have trust issues, Grasshopper. Probably from your dad.
Look at all of the men in your life… aside from Dorian and Brian they’ve all
been pretty shitty. And you know... it’s going to take a while for you to
really heal from what happened to you.”

Raven hated saying the word “rape” so she never did. She just
referred to it as “what happened.”

“I mean you’re still feeling the effects of it, even though you’re
doing so much better.”

Destiny sighed, pushing down tears. Again. All she did anymore was
freaking cry.

“You sound like Vanessa.” She’d told her that she was going out of
town via email yesterday and they’d agreed that they would video chat their
regular sessions.

“That’s because I’m a wise guru, young Grasshopper,” she replied
confidently.

“I think they’re going to reach a plea deal soon,” Destiny
breathed.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ll just be happy when this is done with.” She paused and
pushed out another breath. “I miss you being around Ray.”
 

“Well, remember, the best thing about being a teacher is that I
can pretty much be a teacher anywhere. I’m not overly fond of Fort Worth
anymore.”

“This is true,” Destiny said, almost pushing out a smile. “How’s
Granddad?”

Raven had left Tallahassee the day before and was already back in
Fort Worth. She sighed.

“He could be better. But he’s in good spirits.”

“That’s always good,” she replied, even though it felt inadequate.

The flight attendant dinged in, telling everyone to power down
their
devices. The blonde attendant was staring right at
Destiny, a fake smile plastered on her face as she pointedly eyed the phone in
her hand.

“Gotta go, Ray. I’ll call you when I get there.”

“Safe travels, Grasshopper. Remember to smile.”

Destiny chuckled in spite of herself. “Right.”

She powered off her phone and went back to staring out of the
window.

* * *

Sunday,
1:12 p.m.

I
miss him. I’m on a plane, heading to Phoenix for a job interview. How can I
take a job in Phoenix when it feels like I can’t even breathe without him? How
will I function being thousands of miles away from him? He’s in my skin. What
am I even doing?

 
* * *

Sunday,
1:59 p.m.

Dear
Cathartic Ass Journal That Is Failing Miserably At Being Cathartic, I’m back
already. This is a long, boring flight. I kind of feel sorry for the lady
sitting next to me. She’s trying to sleep but it seems like she can’t get her
brain to be quiet long enough to totally relax. She keeps fidgeting even though
her eyes are closed. I know that feeling. It sucks. Even my trusty Erykah Badu
mix can’t calm my nerves. I’ve never been nervous flying home before. I’m not
really nervous…I’m just… hell, I don’t even know what I am. Maybe I should just
call him when I land. And tell him… what? What would I even tell him? I won’t
take the job? I’ll live off of unemployment and my big week of severance pay? I
guess I could’ve tried harder to find a job in Miami but this really is right
in front me. Raven is right. I would’ve regretted not even trying for this job.
But I miss him so much. Already. He probably hates me now anyway. Maybe this
was a mistake. I dunno. This is bullshit.

* * *

Destiny had been in Phoenix for six hours and she was miserable.
She’d forgotten how freaking hot it was. It was hot in Miami, but it was wet
heat, which she liked. The summer sun in Phoenix had her feeling like her skin
was about to melt off of her bones. She didn’t dare go outside.

She sat at the dining room table, staring out of the patio door.
The small house her mom was renting had a pool in the backyard, although it
wasn’t even close to being a sign of wealth. Almost everyone had a pool in
Phoenix. She eyed it, wondering how anyone that still lived there wasn’t
tempted to drown
themselves
in it.

She sighed audibly and sipped the lemonade her mom had poured for
her earlier. She knew she was being dramatic. Phoenix wasn’t really that bad.
She was just that miserable. She’d be sleeping on the couch tonight. Which
meant poor Aidan would get the floor. The house only had two bedrooms and
Chrissy had taken the spare room that would’ve been hers when she moved in.

Her mom rounded the corner from her bedroom and she quickly plastered
a smile on her face. She didn’t want Tori worrying about her, or thinking that
coming home depressed her this much. She hadn’t told her about what had
happened with Brian. She hadn’t ever really even told her that they were
together. She figured she just knew as much because they were always together,
and Tori
wasn’t
stupid.

“You okay, Tweety Bird?” Tori asked her, sitting in the chair next
to her.

Destiny nodded, the smile still plastered on her face. Her cheeks
were starting to hurt. Tori frowned.

 
“When did you say your
interview was again?” she asked, studying her face.

“Wednesday,” she answered, bringing her cup to her lips again and
taking a healthy sip.

Tori nodded. “You said the counseling with Tricia is going good?”
she prodded.

Destiny frowned, momentarily confused. “Oh, yeah, Tricia,” she
said, grinning for real this time. She almost forgot that was her actual name
again. “It’s going good. We have a Skype session tomorrow.”

Her mom nodded, still staring at her like she was trying to pick
her brain. “How’s Brian?” she asked.

“Good,” she answered way too quickly.

Just hearing his name made her stomach clench again and she bit
her lip. A few seconds ticked by and she prayed she wouldn’t press her about
it.

“What’s going on with you two, Tweety?”

No such luck. She decided to play dumb. “What do you mean?”

Tori fixed a look on her that said she wasn’t in the mood for any
game playing. Destiny sighed. Telling her that they broke up seemed inadequate.
They were never “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” in the traditional sense anyway.
She was his. She belonged to him. And now he was gone. She felt tears pricking
in her eyes yet again.

“I ruined things,” she said simply, shrugging. “I can’t seem to
get it together with him. And I think he thinks I don’t love him because I’m
always pushing him away. He thinks I was with him out of curiosity or
something.”

She hadn’t meant to say all of that but the words came tumbling
out of her mouth. It was actually a relief to be so open with someone besides
Raven.

“Do you?” Tori asked gently. “Do you love him?”

Destiny quickly wiped the tear that was threatening to drop from
her eye and nodded. “I love him more than I ever thought could even be
real.”
 

Tori smiled. She didn’t look surprised at all.
 

“Oh my goodness! Tweety!”

Destiny turned her head to see Chrissy eagerly pushing through the
front door, a couple of grocery bags in her hands. Aidan came in behind her and
hurriedly closed the door behind him. She jumped up and crossed the room
quickly, hugging her, pushing back her sadness at the excitement of seeing her
aunt.

They jumped up and down together, squealing. Chrissy had always
acted more like a big sister to her than an actual adult. Like Tori, she didn’t
look her age either. Her long brown and blonde dreds were swept up into a bun
on the top of her head and she had on a spaghetti strap tank top and long
flowing skirt. Her biceps were toned from the Tai Chi that she taught at the
senior’s home around the corner.

“You are so gorgeous, girl!” she said, stepping back and eyeing
her like she hadn’t just seen her a few months ago. “No wonder Brian couldn’t
stay away from you once he moved to Miami.”

She said it conspiratorially and winked at her. Destiny blushed
and shook her head.

“Hey, Tweety,” Aidan smiled, when she wrapped him in a hug, his
pubescent voice cracking hilariously.

Destiny dropped a kiss on his cheek. He was the spitting image of
Dorian,
only he had one dimple in his right cheek instead of
two.

“You’re getting some arm muscles, I see,” she teased him,
squeezing his biceps.

He swatted her hand away but couldn’t stop grinning at her
acknowledgement of twelve year-old biceps. Destiny grabbed the bags from
Chrissy and they headed toward the kitchen to help put the groceries away.

“So, your mom told me you have a job interview in a couple of
days?” Chrissy said hoisting a bag of coffee out of the plastic bag and opening
the cabinet near the kitchen sink.

Destiny nodded, extracting some herbs out of the bag. She sniffed
them then frowned.

“So, you’d really move back here?” she asked curiously, taking the
herbs from her and placing them in the spice cabinet.

Destiny shrugged. “I need a job.”

“And you couldn’t find one in Miami?” Chrissy pressed, giving her
the third degree. She was starting to get irritated. She glanced over at her
mom, who was listening as she helped put away the groceries.

“I’m going upstairs,” Aidan announced as soon as his sack was
emptied. He clearly didn’t want to be involved in any kind of girl talk.

“You’re not going to play that video game all night, Aidan,”
Chrissy called after him.

“Uh-huh,” he replied dismissively.

They heard him bounding up the stairs and the door close a few
seconds later. Chrissy turned her attention back to Destiny who had perched
herself on the edge of the counter now that the groceries were put away.