Better Together (32 page)

‘I’d hate that,’ said Roisin. ‘Going with someone so gorgeous that everyone else fancies him too. It’d be very stressful.’

‘We don’t have to worry about it too much, though!’ Laura roared with laughter. ‘There aren’t any men around here with that level of sex appeal.’

‘Too true.’ Roisin agreed. ‘If you were coming here for the quality of our men, Sheridan, you’d be sorely disappointed.’

Sheridan smiled, although she was thinking of Joe O’Malley again. As far as she was concerned, he was devastatingly attractive. But maybe the town didn’t have a good track record with its devastatingly attractive men. In which case she might have done herself a favour after all.

The girls allowed themselves to be drawn back into the main conversation of the group, which was continuing on a sporting theme, although this time locally. Every so often Sheridan made a comment or asked a question, but she was happy mainly to listen, filing away the names of the teams and the players, knowing that she’d be able to recall them again if she needed to.

It was great to feel part of the group. And lovely to chat and to gossip. She was very glad that she hadn’t gone to
Nina’s for another quiet night in the guesthouse or stayed in the studio yelling at Xabi Alonso’s avatar. She’d taken some positive steps to be part of Ardbawn tonight, and she was pleased with herself.

It was almost eleven by the time she got up to leave. She was feeling tired and hopeful that for the first time since coming to the town she’d fall asleep without spending an age listening to the silence outside, missing the comforting sound of passing cars and trucks. It had never been silent in Kilmainham. If she had to pick one thing in Ardbawn that freaked her out more than anything else, it was the silence of the night.

She said goodbye to everyone, telling Shimmy she’d see him in the office on Monday and the others that it had been great to meet them. Laura said not to forget about the knitting classes, Roisin and Jasmine suggested they get together again soon and Sheridan told them to text her with any plans.

She got into her car and drove back to the guesthouse. When she pulled up in front of the studio she saw that the car that she’d encountered earlier was still parked outside the house itself. The guest hadn’t, she noted, moved it to one of the bays to the side. Which was very inconsiderate.

Earlier that evening, when Nina had heard the front door of the guesthouse open, she’d frozen in the act of washing the pan she’d cooked the tuna in. Guests had keys to the door, but there was no one staying overnight, which was partly why she’d asked Sheridan to join her. Sheridan, because she was staying in the studio, didn’t have a key and always rang the bell when she arrived. Nina left the pan in the sink and
sat at the table, uncertain what she should do as she listened to the footsteps in the hallway.

‘Hello.’ He pushed open the kitchen door and looked tentatively at her.

At some level she’d known it would be Sean. She’d processed information about guests and keys and who could be opening her front door, and the only possible answer was her husband. He stood in the doorway, as tall and as handsome as ever, his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his fleecy jacket.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

‘I thought I should come home,’ said Sean.

‘Tonight? To stay?’ Her voice was a squeak.

‘Is that what you want?’

That was the question she’d been asking herself for weeks. And now that
he
was asking her, she still didn’t know the answer.

‘I told you to leave.’

‘But did you mean for ever?’

‘I’m not sure,’ she said.

‘I guess that’s better than a straight no.’ Sean smiled at her and she felt the shell of ice around her heart crack. He always got her when he smiled.

‘It’s not a yes, either.’ She stood up. ‘I was going to make coffee. D’you want some?’

‘Yes please.’

It was good to have something to do. She moved around the kitchen, filling the kettle, spooning coffee into cups, taking some Mr Kipling cakes out of a box.

‘Shop cake?’ He raised his eyebrow as she placed a cherry Bakewell in front of him.

‘No visitors this week.’

He nodded. ‘I guess it’s quiet enough right now.’

‘Yes.’

‘So . . . struggling a bit?’

‘Same as this time every year. But the new season is getting under way and the festival will bring people into the town. Hopefully we . . . I’ll be busy.’

‘Do you miss me?’ he asked.

She sat down opposite him but didn’t look at him while she stirred her coffee and composed herself.

‘Of course I miss you,’ she said eventually. ‘But I’m getting used to it.’

She was glad she’d been to Peggy’s earlier in the day. Glad that she had the strength of her friend’s support behind her.

‘It’s not the same, though, is it? Being without each other.’

‘No.’

‘I miss you,’ he told her.

She thought of him with Lulu Adams and the crack in the ice closed over again.

‘I got your letter. Your
solicitor’s
letter.’

‘I tried to contact you myself. You know I did. But you never replied. I thought that if you heard from Gerard it might help focus your thoughts.’

‘My thoughts don’t need focusing,’ she said, although she knew that was exactly what they did need. She cleared her throat. ‘What I got from that letter, Sean, was that you either want to move back into the house or you want me to sell it.’

‘That’s a bit stark,’ he said.

‘The truth, though.’

‘For God’s sake, Nina, I never wanted to go in the first place,’ said Sean. ‘You made me leave. You. Alone.’

How was it, she asked herself, that he always managed to make her feel as though she was in the wrong even when she wasn’t? It was a trick of his and she didn’t know how it worked. He was the one who’d cheated. He was the one who’d messed up. Not her. She took a deep breath.

‘I asked you to leave because you were having an affair with one of your co-stars. It wasn’t my choice that you did that.’

‘I’ve already told you it was nothing.’

‘She didn’t seem to think so,’ said Nina.

‘She’s young and foolish and headstrong.’

‘That’s her excuse. So what’s yours?’

‘I admit I was bowled over.’ Sean kept his eyes fixed firmly on her. ‘I let myself get carried away. She’s pretty and smart and, oh, outgoing, you know? And it was so much more exciting than being here in Ardbawn.’

‘Here in Ardbawn with me, who’s none of those things.’

‘You’re an attractive woman, Nina. I’ve always said that.’

‘But not pretty and smart. Or outgoing. And not young any more either.’

‘By outgoing I mean – well, fun.’

‘Great. I’m no fun either. It’s hard to understand why you’d want to come back.’

‘This is my home,’ said Sean.

‘You should have thought about that before you slept with her.’ Nina was surprised at how firm her voice was. ‘You should have known better. And you promised me.’

‘I know. I’m so sorry I didn’t keep that promise. It was a lapse. But it’ll never happen again, Nina. I swear.’

‘You hurt me, Sean. Not just having the affair with her, but the fact that it was so damn public.’

‘I know you’ll find this hard to believe,’ said Sean, ‘but we weren’t together that much.’

‘You were everywhere with her,’ protested Nina. ‘If you google your name, you get loads of hits of you in pictures with her. And there’s reams and reams about the pair of you. Hardly anything about you and me!’

‘Bloody internet. I bet you’ll just see the same old stories over and over. I swear to you, Nina, it was a fling. Yes, it was intense for a while. But it’s over.’

‘And that stuff is going to be there for ever!’ cried Nina. ‘It’s not like years ago when yesterday’s news was tomorrow’s fish-and-chip paper. Now yesterday’s news is permanently on the web for anyone to see. Your children, for example.
Their
children!’

‘I’ve said I’m sorry.’

‘And you think that makes it all right? That because you’re sorry, I should tell you to come on home? How deep do you suppose the well of my forgiveness is, Sean?’

‘I know you’re a forgiving woman. I know you’ve seen my side of things before.’

Nina said nothing.

‘Look, sweetheart, I’m not seeing Lulu Adams any more. I accept that the effects of my . . . my moment of madness have been hard on you. I understand how you feel. But I’m here, saying I’m sorry and meaning it. I want to come home. I want to make things right.’

‘What about
Chandler’s Park
?’ she asked. ‘How would you work on
Chandler’s Park
if you were back here again?’

‘There’s going to be a break for my character,’ said Sean. ‘They’re planning a special in which there’s a massive gas explosion. Not everyone survives.’

‘They’re killing you off?’ Nina looked shocked. ‘Just as we said they might.’

‘I’m not being killed off. The whole thing is being left open. I’ll be in hospital in a coma while they decide where to go with the storyline. That’s confidential, by the way,’ he added.

‘And when does this happen?’ asked Nina.

‘The end of next month.’

‘So in fact you want to come home because you’ll be out of work.’ She was feeling angry now. Angry was good, she thought. Angry was better than broken hearted.

‘I knew you’d think that, but it’s not the case at all. I’ve been offered other work. The same company that does
Chandler’s Park
wants me to front a special about great Irish love affairs, and I’ve already got loads of voice-over offers. It’s absolutely not about being out of work.’

Nina looked at him sceptically.

‘You can talk to them if you like.’ He took his mobile out of his pocket and handed it to her. ‘Here, phone the commissioning editor. Ronan Fleming. He’ll confirm it.’

‘I’m not phoning anyone. You coming back here has nothing to do with where you work. It’s about us.’

‘Exactly.’

‘You swore,’ she said fiercely. ‘You swore on my mother’s grave. I didn’t want you to do anything as dramatic as that, but you insisted. You told her that you loved me and that you’d always love me and that you’d never do anything to hurt me again. But you did, Sean. That’s the truth of it.’

Sean sighed. ‘And I’m paying for it every single day,’ he said. ‘In how I feel when I go back to the apartment at night. Alone. Like you.’

‘But you’re not alone every single night. I am.’

‘I swear to you, I’ve been alone for weeks.’

‘I trusted you before.’ Nina got up and stood in front of the sink, her back to him. ‘I trusted you then and I believed in you.’

‘And you were right to believe in me,’ said Sean. ‘Nina, listen, you can’t let everything we have disappear just because I had a bit of a midlife crisis. That’s what it was. But I’m over it now. I swear to you. I’m ready to come home.’

She turned to face him.

‘I wanted you to come home. I have to admit that. Living on my own and running the guesthouse by myself wasn’t where I saw myself at this point in my life. I hate the children calling up and asking me how I am as though I could top myself at any moment. I don’t like people worrying about me. Talking about me. Knowing that you made a fool out of me.’

‘I understand.’

‘It’s been hard for me,’ she said. ‘I’ve had lots of time to think and wonder and worry . . . too much time. And I know that I haven’t finished with all that yet.’

‘You just said it, Nina. Too much time. You don’t need to mope around wondering when is a good moment to forgive me. You don’t have to come up with a time frame for letting me back.’

‘That’s exactly what I have to do. If I think that getting back with you is the right thing to do.’

‘Of course it is.’ His tone was persuasive. ‘You know that. You just haven’t admitted it to yourself. We’re good together, Nina. We always were and we always will be.’

Was he right? wondered Nina. Should she have talked to
him before now, instead of making the grand gesture of throwing him out and ignoring his emails and calls? Had she made things worse by doing what she’d done?

‘I need time to think,’ she told him. ‘I’m not going to let you pick up our lives from where they were before just as if nothing’s happened.’

‘Absolutely,’ he said. ‘You’re right. How about I come back next week?’

‘I . . . That’s too soon. I have to . . .’

‘We need to decide. To move on.’

‘That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Without you.’

He looked at her contritely. ‘I’m sorry I put you in that position, but it doesn’t have to be that way now.’

‘Doesn’t it?’

‘I’ll give you time, Nina. To realise that we can still work things out.’

‘How much time were you thinking of?’

‘A week?’

‘Are you nuts? I can’t make important decisions like this in a week!’ cried Nina.

‘OK, OK.’ Sean looked at her placatingly. ‘A month. And after that we put the past behind us.’

‘A month, and then I decide about what I want,’ she amended.

‘Of course,’ said Sean. ‘It’s your decision.’

But why, Nina wondered, do I feel as though you’ve already made it for me? She twirled her wedding ring around on her finger. Even though she’d asked Sean to leave, she still hadn’t taken it off.

‘Can I stay the night?’ He looked at his watch. ‘It’s late.’

‘It’s not a bit late.’ Nina glanced at the kitchen clock.

‘You’re being very hard,’ he said.

‘You made me hard,’ she told him.

‘Nina . . . I can’t say sorry enough.’ He got up and went over to her. He put his arms around her and drew her close. His smell was comforting and familiar. She wanted him to leave but she wanted him to stay even more. She knew she did. Even though it might be a terrible mistake.

DJ was already in the office when Sheridan arrived on Monday morning, which surprised her. DJ was flexible about his working hours, sometimes not coming in until after ten but then staying late into the evening. Not a morning person, he often said, but damn good after midday. Which was true.

His expression, when she walked into the office, was grim, and she knew straight away that it was because of her. He nodded at her before she’d even put her takeaway coffee on her desk and told her that he wanted to see her in the conference room straight away.