Between Black and Sunshine (24 page)

When he walks through the door his eyes go immediately to where my drawings were, the pictures that are now in the trash, the pictures that I had stupidly not thrown away when I realized they were there yesterday. I know right then, that he’s figured it out. He knows what I’ve done. It’s almost a relief.

Except… I can see it in his eyes, the disgust on his face. I was right- it is unforgiveable.

His eyes are frantic, his skin is tinted with red from the blood that’s behind it. I stay where I am, standing in front of the futon. I want to go to him, to apologize, but his hands are fists at his sides. His eyes finally stop moving to focus on me. A shiver runs down my spine. “Do you love her?” he asks, making it sound like both a scream and a whisper.

“No, Luca. Of course not.”

“Of course not? What the hell does that mean?”

“Luca?”  I ask, because it feels like he’s gone, like he’s not here with me. He just stares like an angry animal, his chest heaving. “What I did to you, to her, was wrong. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know who I was when I did that…”

“
Yesterday
? You don’t know who you were yesterday? When you woke up in her bed? The bed where you let her hold you and touch you and kiss you? The bed where she told you she loved you and you told her you loved her back? The bed that you left to come back here where you let me hold you, let me touch you, let me tell you how much I love you?” Luca is making determined strides towards me as he talks. But I’m no longer afraid. If he hurts me it will feel good.

“I told you,” I yell at his face that is now a mere foot from mine. “I told you that I did something. Something awful. I begged you to let me tell you. I told you not to touch me until you knew what I had done. I told you what I did was unforgiveable. But you didn’t listen to me. So do it, Luca. Please hit me, kick me, slap me. Because for once in my life I want it. For once in my life I deserve it, so just do it already.” My body stiffens, preparing for the blow that I’m ready for, that I want.

But Luca steps away from me. His face cinching tightly. His hands going slack at his side. “Shut up, Jude,” he whispers. “Don’t ever say that. Don’t you ever say that. I would never… I shouldn’t have ever…. No one deserves that.” Luca crumples to the floor onto his knees. His hands grasping at his hair.

My body relaxes. He’s not going to hit me. I can feel it, the minute my anger is overtaken by sadness and I hate it. I hate the sadness. I hate how bad my chest hurts. I hate how much I need him. I hate seeing him hurt because of me.

I let myself sink to the floor in front of him. My hand hovers in front of his face but I won’t touch him. “Luca, I just… I just needed to see her. I needed to know this girl that I thought you loved more than you ever loved me. I just needed to feel close to you. I was just going to look at her. I never thought that she would invite me into her life. I never thought that she could care about me… I didn’t want any of that. I just wanted you and she was the closest I could get to you.

“I should have stopped. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was terrible but I needed her. I needed someone to care about me and take care of me. I couldn’t come back here to this place where I had gone mad. To this place where all I could see was what I had lost, what I had done. This place that was full of you. I couldn’t come back here and I didn’t know where to go. So I stayed. The minute I walked back through this door it all became clear to me. That her feelings for me were not that of a friend. That I had fucked up her life, too. That you could never look at me the same way ever again...”

Luca shakes his head as I speak, telling me, no; that he doesn’t believe me. Or telling me he does believe me and it’s just too disturbing to comprehend. When he finally looks back at me the only thing I can see is pain. I feel like I’m looking into a mirror. We just keep showing each other pain.

“I listened to her talk about you. About how you were going to be the one to save her from her loveless life. She told me about you… your eyes and your lips, your hair, your body, your skin and your hands. I had to listen to her tell me how good it felt to hold you and touch you. What it felt like when she looked into your eyes. Do you know how bad that hurts, Jude?”

“Yes, Luca, I do. Because she told me about you. About your beautiful face and your unreal body. She told me that if someone was going to make her feel love again, she was sure it was you. She told me about how you kissed every inch of her skin. How you made her feel like she was precious and worth loving….” My voice cracks and I can’t hold back my tears, but I keep talking because I need him to know. “It hurt so bad because I want to be the only girl that you’ve ever made feel that way, but I’m not. Clara knows what it feels like, too. You loved her exactly how you loved me. And then you gave her the one thing you never gave me. You made love to her
… the best sex she’s ever had
. Do you know how bad that hurts, Luca?”

“Jesus, Jude, what’s wrong with us? This is so fucked up.” He shakes his head, staring at me and I think he looks like a child. A child that wants someone to clean up his mess; to fix everything for him; to tell him not to worry, that it will all be okay. But I can’t do that. All I manage to do is fuck things up beyond belief. “She knew, that night, that all I saw was you. She knew exactly what I did to her. Did she tell you that?”

“Yes.”

He nods like that particular problem is taken care of; swept up into a neat little pile and thrown into the trash. But it’s not- it will always be there, between us. “We both used her to try and hold onto a piece of each other. Why the hell would we do that? What is wrong with us, Luca? Why do we keep hurting each other, why would we do that to her? And Anton…” my voice cracks over my sob. “Why can’t we just love each other, or hate each other, and keep the rest of the world out of our screwed up heads?”

“It’s my fault, Jude. It’s my screwed-up head. It’s me who keeps hurting you. It’s my fault that you did that to her. I did that to Anton, and to you….
Shit
.” His hands cover his face, pushing tightly into his skin like he’s trying to make it all go away. “I’m trying, Jude,” he mumbles through his fingers. “I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to become a good person. I want to be a good person for you. I don’t want to keep doing this to you.”

I don’t know what to say to him so I say the only thing I know. “I love you, Luca. I always will.”

He removes his hands from his face and stares at me long and hard. “How do you do that?”

“How do I do what?”

“How, no matter what I’ve done, no matter the ugly things I’ve said to you, no matter how bad we’re fighting, how much I’ve hurt you… how do you always manage to love me?”

“Because it the only thing- it’s always been the only thing- in my entire life that I know is true. Everything else is a complicated, confusing shit-storm. Loving you is the only thing I’ve ever been sure of. It’s the only thing that I know I can count on to always be there, even when I want it to leave. It’s the only part of me that I can depend on. I. Love. You.”

“I love you too. There hasn’t been a day in my life, since the first day I met you, that I haven’t loved you.”

“Does it matter?” I ask him. “Does it matter how concrete and absolute our love for each other is? Will we ever be able to really have it, to really give it to each other, Luca? Or are we just going to keep working around it, fighting it and trying to get rid of it?”

“I’m tired, Jude. I’m tired of fighting it. I don’t want to do it anymore,” he tells me. I can see it in his face and I can hear it in his voice. He’s exhausted. I’m exhausted, too.

“I don’t want to either.” I tell him.

Jude and I are lying side by side in my bed. I couldn’t stay there, in that studio that is alive with the energy of our best and worst times. Jude seemed relieved when I told her I needed to go, that I needed her to go with me.

It’s easier here, in my room, to let my mind go blank. To let my head rest for a while. We’re silent. We’ve given up. I’m still not sure what we’ve given up on. When I told her I couldn’t fight anymore I meant that I couldn’t stay away from her anymore. When she told me she was done she could have been saying the same thing. Or she could have been telling me she was letting us go. I don’t know. And right now, I don’t care. I can’t talk anymore. I can’t think anymore. I just need to rest. I just need to close my eyes.

When my eyes open again I look out the window at the black sky; it’s become night. I reach my hand out; Jude is still beside me. I close my eyes.

My eyes squint; assaulted by the bright light filling the room. It’s early afternoon. I’ve been sleeping for more than twenty-four hours. But I think I can sleep more, I feel like I want to sleep more.

I reach out my hand before I close my eyes. I can’t find hers. I look over- she’s not there. I’m out of my bed calling her name. She has to be here. I check the bathroom, “Jude,” I scream. I race out of the bathroom and almost bowl her over. She puts her hands on my chest to stop me and I wrap my arms tightly around her, my body pounding with relief. “I thought you left.”

“I was answering you, didn’t you hear me?”

“No. Why aren’t you in bed with me?”

“I just got out. I had to use the bathroom and I was thirsty. And then I had to answer the door. Your friend Rose is here.”

I release Jude. “Shit. I didn’t call her yesterday, I missed our meeting.” I grab onto Jude’s hand and go to apologize to Rose. I’m still in my clothes from yesterday, Jude’s in her’s too.

In the living room, Rose is sitting with Anthony. Sometimes I forget she’s not just my therapist, but his grandma. She looks different with him. She’s relaxed and she’s smiling as she speaks to him, her hand is resting on his leg. He’s smiling too.

“Rose, I’m sorry about yesterday. I forgot to call and let you know I wouldn’t be here.”

She straightens her back but her hand stays on Anthony’s leg as she turns to face me. “I’m sure you had a good reason,” she says, glancing at Jude, smiling. “It was good to spend time with my grandson, I’ve been so busy with work,” she says, winking at me… a completely different person than the analytical woman with a notepad that I know as Dr. Rose.

I smile at her, taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch with Jude. I can’t seem to let go of her hand. “Did you meet Jude?”

“Yes, I did. I was surprised to see her. You got ahead on your homework.” She raises a brow at me. I was supposed to be working on Miles and Anton, not Jude.

“Yeah, I guess I did.”

“All right,” Anthony says, standing. “I’m gonna go down to the garage and get some stuff done. Don’t leave without saying goodbye,” he says to his grandma.

Shit, does she want me to have a session with her right now while Jude goes back to my room, alone? Or after she leaves completely?
I watch helplessly as Anthony leaves us.

Rose folds her hands onto her lap and sets her face into a professional looking mask. “Are you okay having a session with Jude? Are there some things the two of you would like to work on together?”

Oh.
I look at Jude, not sure how to answer. She shrugs her shoulders like she’s good either way. This is not how I was anticipating my morning going. I didn’t really have a plan. I was just going to sleep until I had enough energy to deal with Jude and myself. “Yeah,” I tell Rose, “there are some things we need to work on together.”
Under, fucking, statement
.

“Good,” Rose tells me. “Why don’t you catch me up on what’s been happening in your life since our last meeting?”

“Um… a lot. Do you want me to tell you about everything, or just Jude?”

“Why don’t you tell me everything if you’re comfortable sharing in front of Jude.”

“Well, after you left I set up a meeting with Miles. I tried to explain to him what was wrong with me, but he didn’t really want to hear it. I apologized for the specific things I had done to him. He didn’t really have much to say. I don’t think I’ll be talking to him again.”

“Have you had a chance to explain your diagnosis to Jude?”

I hold tighter to Jude’s hand. “No, I haven’t really gotten around to any of that.”

“Would you like me explain it to her?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Rose’s eyes shift from mine to Jude’s. “You have known Luca for most of your life so I have to assume you’ve seen him at his best and his worst and have noticed how extremely different the two are?”

“Yes,” she answers, letting out a stifled laugh.

“When I first met with Luca he was in an extreme depression; sleeping for most of his day, not eating and not interacting with anyone. Have you ever seen Luca like this?”

“Yes,” Jude whispers, squeezing my hand.

Rose smiles gently at Jude. “Leading up to this point Luca was not sleeping at all, his personality became very intense and at the peak of this period, he blacked-out and became very violent.” She pauses to stare at Jude. I can’t do the same because, even though I can’t remember that peak, Jude saw every second of it. “I know that you were there when this happened so I know you understand what it looks like.”

“Yes,” Jude answers, her voice shaky.

“Luca is bipolar and the highs and lows that he goes through indicate that he is also manic depressive. He states of mania being so extreme that he sometimes blacks out for short periods of time.” It sounds so crazy when she says it. That’s me she’s describing
– me.
I wait for Jude to let go of my hand and run. But she doesn’t, she just holds on tighter.
I will always love you, even when I don’t want to.

We sit in silence, waiting for Jude’s reaction. “That makes sense,” she finally says. “I mean, that it’s something that he’s not in control of. He’s not a bad person. He’s always been such a good person.”

“Yes, I agree,” Rose says, allowing herself the smallest of smiles as she looks at me. “And you’re right; it’s not something he was in control of. But he’s getting there. Understanding is a big part of controlling it. That’s what these sessions are for; so that Luca can understand why he doses some of the things he does and so he can recognize the warnings signs and avoid his triggers. Mood stabilizing medication also helps. It’s very manageable and Luca has been doing great.”

“Luca,” Jude says, and I look at her for the first time. She puts her hand on my face and my heart contracts. “That’s so good,” she whispers. She stares at my eyes for an intense moment before dropping her hand and looking back at Rose. “Thank you,” she tells her, “for helping him.”

“He needs all the help he can get.” Her meaning is not lost on me. Rose thinks I need Jude in order to get better, and I don’t disagree. “Luca’s been working on making amends with the people he has hurt in his past. He was working he way up to you. Carry on, Luca,” she tells me.

I push down the overwhelming love that I have for Jude. She knows what I am and she is still here. “The next day I went to see Anton,” I clear my throat. I don’t want to talk about Anton in front of Jude. I don’t want her to remember. I keep it basic. “He was cool; I mean, he’s a great guy. I hate that I did that to him. I hate that Jude saw me.”

“He accepted your apology?” Rose asks.

“Yeah, he did.”

“Good, that’s good, Luca. I’m proud of you for facing your fear and meeting with him and apologizing to him.”

I nod at her.

“What happened after that?”

“I went to the studio, the one where Jude and I were hanging out together.”

“Yes.”

“And she was there,” I say, feeling the relief swell in my body all over again.

“How did you feel when Luca showed up at the studio?” she asks Jude.

“Ummm… I don’t know really. Scared, I guess… surprised, a little embarrassed.”

“Why were you scared?”

“I was scared because I wasn’t ready to face him. While I was away from him I did a lot of bad things that I was trying to come to terms with that morning. I was scared because he was there and I would have to tell him and he would leave me forever. He was there, he was back again, but I knew that when he left again it would be the last time.”

Rose nods at her, like she understands completely. “And what about your feelings of embarrassment, can you tell me about that?”

“Umm. Well, when he walked in I was standing in the middle of the room wearing the hoodie he had left behind and I had the hood part wrapped around my face and I was… smelling it. Smelling Luca,” she says, the embarrassment clear in her voice.

The corner of Rose’s mouth lifts, then promptly evens back out. “So you missed him, you were happy that he was there, but you were prepared to let him go?”

“Well no, I can’t prepare to let Luca go. How would I do that?”

“But you felt like you would have to because of the things that you did while you were away from him?”

“Yes,” she says quietly.

“And how do you feel now?”

“I don’t know,” she admits. I’m holding my breath waiting for her to realize that it’s too much, that I’m too much to handle. “I wish I would have told him right away, but I didn’t.”

“I wouldn’t let her,” I interject.

Rose nods to let me know she heard me but she’s looking intently at Jude.

“It was such a relief to feel his arms around me. It had been a couple of intense weeks for me. I went through a lot of stages of emotion concerning my feelings for Luca. I was angry at first, which I can handle- that was manageable. But then I started to miss him. I spent several days wrapped up in his sweatshirt and in his blankets and at that point it became very overwhelming. I think I was experiencing… delusions? I was hearing voices in my head telling me that I didn’t have the right to think about him, that he belonged to someone else…” I look at Jude now. This is something I haven’t heard. I just pictured her with Clara, but I realize now, that would have just been a small portion time. Jude would have spent most of her days alone, in that studio. “I couldn’t get the voices to stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about Luca and Clara.”

“This is the friend who helped you recover?” Rose asks me.

Jude looks at me like Rose should know exactly who Clara is. I look at Rose. “Yes. Jude saw me with her and she thought that I was… kissing her,” I cringe through the word. “That’s the reason she wasn’t talking to me before I found her at Anton’s. Which was a misunderstanding also. Jude was at Anton’s because she busted her leg open and he and his sister were taking care of Jude.”

Rose nods then looks back at Jude, “The voices,” she prompts.

“Um yeah, they just kept telling me how perfect Luca and Clara were together and that I was just a dirty piece of crap that needed to stay out of their perfect life. It was all I thought about. Luca and Clara were all I could see. I made all these awful drawings and I don’t even remember doing it… I’m getting side tracked, I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay, Jude. This is what you need to talk about.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” Jude tells her. She’s met with a silent stare so she takes a deep breath, then keeps talking. “I felt like my body brought me to Clara’s store all by itself. I didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want to see her. I knew I should just forget about her but I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to forget. I walked into her store and I knew that all those voices in my head were right- she was a beautiful woman that Luca could love and I was just a crazy, ugly girl that wouldn’t let him go.”

“Jude,” I say, hating the words that are coming out of her mouth.

“It’s okay, Luca. I know that’s not true. I was just a little….unstable.”

“It was never true. Clara is nothing next to you…”

“Luca, I know. I know that’s how you feel. I know that now.”

“Okay,” I tell her, hating myself for ever making her feel that way.

“Anyway,” she carries on, “I never planned on going back there again, but I did. Two nights later I found myself back at her store. She offered to do my makeup. I didn’t even have a chance to think about anything. But there, in that chair, someone was talking to me, touching me, even. I had been told over and over, by the voices, that I was unapproachable, terrible and worthless. And here was this woman- a woman worthy of Luca- talking to me and touching my dirty skin.”

“Jesus,” I mutter, beginning to grasp how low Jude had fallen, understanding how she ended up in Clara’s bed.

“She invited me up to her apartment. There was a large part of me that wanted to run away from her, but a bigger part of me that needed to see this place where she and Luca loved each other… to glimpse a piece of him there.  So I went. I sat there and watched her get drunk and I listened to her tell me about Luca and how he wasn’t eating or getting out of bed. That it was such a relief when he finally let her feed him and bath him.”