Between Black and Sunshine (9 page)

“You don’t see me correctly, Jude.”

“I’m misinterpreting the way that girls react to you?”

“Yeah, you are.” He sounds like he’s serious, but he can’t be. There is no way that he can’t realize how perfectly beautiful he is.

“Whatever, I suppose you’re a virgin too?” I say lightly, but I want to know the answer.

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“That bad, huh?” I try to sound casual, but my heart is racing. The idea of him having sex with a girl that’s not me… it’s not somewhere I’ve ever let my imagination wander. But it’s a possibility. For two years he’s been a single guy. And in his mind, he was never going to see me again, much less be with me in any form of the word. But still, just the thought makes me feel sick.

“It’s terrible.”

“Now you’re pissing me off. How many girls have you slept with, Luca?” I cringe at my own words.

“Why are you asking? You’ve never cared before.”

“Well, I care now. I’ll go first. I’ve kissed five guys in my life, they all sucked except for my first kiss. No matter, I let three of them put their hands up my shirt because I remembered how good it felt the first time, but only that first guy ever made it feel good. Two of them shoved their hands down my pants but I kneed them in the balls because I’m saving that part of me for that one guy, the only one whose lips and hands ever felt good on me.” I curse myself under my breath. Why can’t I just have normal conversations with Luca? Why do I always have to get so pissed off and needy?

“Jude, I don’t want to know that shit. I don’t want to think about someone besides me touching you, kissing you, getting to see your naked body. It hurts, it would hurt you too. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“That’s such crap, Luca. Aren’t I supposed to be finding a nice guy, one that I deserve? Isn’t that what you want for me? I assume, when I find this nice guy, you want me to marry him and let him make sweet love to me. That’s your dream, right?”

“No, Jude.” I can hear the anger in his voice. I have to stop. When he gets angry it does something to him, makes him become distant from me. I don’t want that. “When you find him, I have to let you go. I don’t want to see that shit.”

I try to stay calm, but that pisses me off. I can’t have him but if I ever move on he’s just going to leave me. Not even going to be my friend. “You know as well as I do that there is never going to be anyone but you. I’m going to be the one who has to see you move on with someone else because it will never be me. And you know what else? I’ll still love you; I’ll still be your friend. I won’t cut you out of my life just because you don’t love me like I love you.” My thumb hovers over the end button. I’m so fucking pissed, at him, but mostly at the idea of him with someone else and the pathetic fact that I won’t leave him, even after he’s moved on.

“What the hell happened here?” He’s forcing his words through his clenched teeth, I can hear the familiar hiss. “Why the fuck are we talking about this shit, Jude? I don’t want to think about this. It pisses me off. I don’t want to have to keep telling you this - there is no one for me. There will never be anyone. If I could have someone I would choose you. Now quit telling me about the boys who have touched you and how I’m going to move on from you. You don’t know what you’re doing.” His words are angry and panicked and I start to worry. Why am I doing this to him?

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Luca. I don’t know why I said those things. I’m sorry.”

He’s silent on the other end; the only noise is his controlled breathing. He’s slowly climbing off the ledge I almost pushed him over. “I don’t want to see you move on. I didn’t want you here; I didn’t want to see that.”

“I know.” I want to repeat that I will never move on, but that might send him back towards the ledge. When he gets like this I don’t know what his triggers are. I’m bad for him. The uncensored words that spill out of my mouth, the way I’m always pushing him and ignoring the things he tells me he wants, he needs… it’s all very bad for him. “I’m sorry,” I say again.

“I don’t want you thinking about this, I don’t want you wondering, I never want to have this conversation again so I will tell you. I have had sex with one woman. It was a stupid attempt to get over you and so fucked up I can’t even think about it. You are the only girl I want and if I ever thought that I would be weak enough to sleep with you, I wouldn’t have ever done it. But I don’t think that’s somewhere I can go with you. I will never come back from that. I don’t know how I’m going to come back from last night. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I know the way I deal with the way I feel about you is fucked up sometimes, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to love you less or give you more. Everything I do, even the woman I slept with, is because of you. I only see you. It will always be you.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck
. He’s had sex with someone? He has given himself to someone and will never give himself to me. He’s right, I didn’t want to know that.

There are a million things I want to say to him but I can hear the instability in his voice- he’s not okay. I don’t know how I feel about Luca at this moment, but I know I don’t want to push him into that scary place he goes to. “I’m gonna go, Luca,” I tell him, careful to control my voice so it doesn’t sound pissed off.

“Jude, please. Don’t do this. Don’t hang up on me. Just talk to me for a second.”

“I’m not hanging up on you, Luca. I don’t want to say things that are mean and unfair to you. I’m pissed. I don’t know if I should be or not. Let me think about it, okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Damn it, Jude. Don’t go, don’t hang up that phone…”

“I love you, Luca,” I say before pushing the end button and turning off my phone.

Jude had her phone off all damn night and this morning too. I need to talk to her, I need to see her, so I’m back on the stairs of her dorm which, as far as I can tell, will be my new second home. A couple of the girls waved to me in a familiar way today like I’m a doorman who hangs out twenty feet from the door.

When she finally comes out my heart stops for a second like I didn’t just see her yesterday morning. She looks tired but beautiful. Her hair is pulled back in a sloppy braid, exposing her perfect face. Her eyes get lighter when she’s tired and right now they look liquid. Her fat, red lips and her crazy beautiful eyes… god, she is so beautiful. She’s covered up her long, tan legs with a pair of jeans and I’m grateful for that. After hearing about the guys that have seen her… touched her… the last thing I want is a campus full of guys looking at her bare skin. Her chest is covered too, but her black and white stripped Henley is tight enough that her perfect body is evident.

She’s walking with a tall, waif of a girl dressed in chucks, fishnet stockings, cutoff jean-shorts and a polka dot blouse. Her short, white hair is spiked up in a feaux hawk. This must be Piper Post.

Jude looks at me and gives me a smile but I can tell it’s forced. She’s trying though, not to be pissed at me, and I guess that’s good. Why I told her the shit I did, I don’t know. She asked and I guess I thought it was fair, especially since the idea of us together is constantly on my mind. She needs to know the things I’ve done. I walk to her, but unlike the day she arrived, I don’t take her into my arms and she doesn’t try to go there.

“Hey, Luca,” she says like she’s bored to death. She and her friend have both stopped on the steps next to me. “This is Piper, the girl I was telling you about.”

“Well that can’t be good,” Piper says looking at Jude, ignoring me completely.
See,
I want to say to Jude
, those girls just think I’m an oddity. This girl has clearly seen versions of me before, so she doesn’t even give me a double take
. But any conversation that involves me and a girl is not good right now.

“It’s not your fault,” I tell Piper about the weed smoking incident, “this one may be acting all sweet and innocent, but she’s not.”

“Thanks, Sherlock,” Piper says, looking at me now, “but I already figured that out. I’ll see you later,” she says to Jude, before walking away.             

“Nice girl,” I say to Jude.

“She knew I was upset when she saw me this morning. She must have good instincts and knew it was your fault,” she says, grabbing a hold of my hand and walking the rest of the way down the steps. I’m immediately relived; that she’s joking with me, that she’s touching me. “Are you walking me to class?”

“Yeah, if you’ll let me.”

“Yeah, I’ll let you. Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have asked you the question if I didn’t want the answer. Now that I’m forced to think about it I guess it was stupid of me to assume that you were waiting for me. It just hurts knowing that you would give another girl something that you won’t give me. I don’t want anyone having a part of you that I can’t have. It doesn’t seem fair. It hurts me.”

Her words feel like a direct punch to my heart. She’s right, it’s not fair. My hand holds tighter to hers, but I can’t speak. I don’t have anything to say to that.

“I know you love me more than you loved her but I want you so much, Luca. I’ve wanted you for so long. There is a girl out there who knows what it’s like to have you inside of her. It should have been me. You should have given that to me before her.”

FFFUUUUUUCK
. She’s killing me. Making me hate myself. “You’re right. I didn’t plan it, it was never my intention. I never wanted it. I only wanted…”

“Stop, Luca. Don’t say it. I’m so tired of hearing that bullshit, please don’t say it. I’m trying to not be angry at you. I’m trying to understand, so please don’t mention my name when you talk about the girl you’ve been with.  I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” I say under my breath.

“You’re going to keep hurting me and you’re going to keep saying you’re sorry until you get over this shit in your head. I don’t want to hear it anymore. I get it. Every time you hurt me, I’ll just assume you’re sorry. You don’t need to keep saying it.”

“Fuck, Jude,” I say.

“Bad choice of words,” she mutters.

Fuck
. I think silently. “Can I see you when you’re done with class? Can you come over for a while? I need to be with you.”

“Sure, Luca, whatever you need. I’m here to make you happy.”

“Don’t, Jude.”

She stops and turns to look at me. “I’ll stop, I’ll forget about all of this because I know you’re not trying to hurt me. I know you love me even though you’re super shitty about showing me that. But Luca, while I’m here, while we’re doing whatever the hell it is we’re doing, are you going to be sleeping with people? Because I need to know that. I don’t want to cramp your style, but I don’t think that’s something I can handle.”

“God, Jude, no. Never. As long as you’re part of my life I will never touch anyone but you. I promise you that. You are the only one I want. You are the only girl I have ever been attracted to. You are the only one I’ve ever loved.”

“Please come get me after class. I want to be with you. I miss you.”

The blood rushes through my body. I feel my muscles giving out. I need this girl to love me. “Thank you,” I say, bending down and taking her face in my hand. When her lips conform to mine I feel a hundred different emotions in my body, in my mind. Mostly I feel nourished, full, satisfied. She is my sustenance.

Jude walks out of the English building with a tall, blonde guy who’s walking way too close to her. I recognize him. He buys from Miles… runs some campus open mic poetry reading b.s. that Miles made me stop by one night. I hated his pompous ass instantly. His mouth is moving, he’s making hand gestures and smiling at her, but it’s obvious she wants him to go away. She’s scanning the open courtyard for me and when she finally sees me walking towards her, relief spreads over her face and her shoulders relax. When I reach her, the guy is still trying to impress Jude; sounds like with his knowledge of Faulkner. I interrupt him by taking her backpack, then taking her lips in mine. She kisses me back and the guy finally shuts up.

“See you later, man,” I tell the guy, taking a hold of Jude’s hand and walking her away.

“Asshole,” I hear him mutter under his breath. I’m tempted to acknowledge his comment, but I don’t, not while holding onto Jude.

Jude lets out a disbelieving laugh because she heard him too. “What a jackass,” she mutters. “He’s the T.A. for my English lit class. Aren’t there rules about persons in authority hitting on their students? Can I tell him to fuck off or will that get me a bad grade in class?”

“What did he say to you?” I ask, slowly, calmly.

“Nothing, forget it. I can handle it.”

I could say something about that but I know Jude wants me to stop rescuing her from everything. So I shut up and walk to the truck. As we cross the courtyard I notice all the guys who looking her way, looking her up and down. She’s probably been dealing with assholes like that guy all day. I have to put it out of my mind though. I have less than six hours until I have to return Jude to her dorm and after last night, I don’t want to waste any more time being angry, or making her angry.

“We going to your place?” she asks, as we pull out of the parking lot.

“No, I got something else I want to show you.”

“What?” she asks, skeptically.

“Can you just wait till we get there?”

“Fine,” she says, shifting her sore back in the seat and chewing her cuticles like she does when she’s nervous. 

“It’s no big deal, no need to stress,” I tell her.

“I’m not stressed,” she says, taking her finger out of her mouth.

I pull up to the old building at the edge of campus.

“Art studio’s for rent?” she asks, reading the posted sign near the door.

“Yeah. You get one for free your senior year. I want to show you mine.”

“But you’re not a senior.”

“They gave me one anyway. Come on.” I get out and go around to her side, helping her down.

We walk into the building, up four floors and down the hall in silence. I’m thinking about her reaction, what she will think about the studio. The school gave it to me at the end of last year because my paintings won some national awards. I don’t use it though because I have the garage and the studio at school. But when I found out Jude was coming, I thought it’d be good for a few reasons. I wanted to give it to her.

I open the door and walk her inside.

She’s quiet for a few beats, taking it all in. “What is this, Luca?”

“I want you to use it, if you want to,” I tell her, hoping she’ll want it.

She walks into the space, towards the easel and the blank canvas. “Luca, this is a lot of stuff. You can’t afford all of this.” She picks up a tube of oil paint off the work table and turns to me.

“It was no big deal, Jude. I had all the stuff to make canvases. I got the paints and brushes for practically nothing.”

“And the pencils, and paper, the gesso, the thinner, the pastels,” she says, picking up random things from the table. “Even if you got it for cheap, it’s still a lot of money.”

“It wasn’t.”

“This is all for me?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll pay you back,” she says absently, still looking at all her supplies.

“I never buy you anything, Jude. I never get to do anything for you. It’s a gift. You’re not paying me back.”

She sets down the pencil she’s holding and turns to me. “Okay,” she says, looking into my eyes. “Thank you. No one has ever done anything like this for me. I love it.”

I smile because I made her happy. I’ve done plenty of bad shit for her, it feels good to do something right. I close the gap between us and take her hand, turning her palm up and dropping the key into it.

“You’re seriously giving it to me? Don’t you want to use it too? I can share.”

“I don’t need it, I want you to have it. It can be your place, where you can be alone. You’re not gonna have many chances to do that, living in the dorm.”

She looks at the key, her expression becoming serious. She’s thinking, but she doesn’t say what about. She closes her hand around the key then puts it in her back pocket. When she looks back to me I can see the tears in her eyes. I panic because I don’t know if they are good tears or bad ones. “You’re giving me my own space, somewhere that’s just mine,” she says, like she’s trying to work the concept out in her mind.

“Yeah, sweet girl, it’s yours.”

She reaches around my neck and pulls my lips to hers. She’s happy, she likes it. I pick her up and walk her over to the futon, her lips still on mine. I sit down with Jude on my lap. I can feel myself growing hard under her which means it’s time to move her, but right now I don’t really give a shit. I want her to be happy. I want to be happy with her.

She doesn’t react though, not like she usually does. She doesn’t push herself into me, she doesn’t pull at my skin or my mouth. She just keeps running her tongue over mine, her hands buried in my hair like they usually are when I kiss her, but she’s not pulling at me. When I taste her tears in my mouth my heart seizes. But I don’t fly off the handle, I manage to calm myself and think. Why is she crying? Why isn’t she reacting to the fact that I am turned on by her? I pull out of her mouth, resting my head on the futon so I can see her eyes. They’re definitely sad. These are not happy tears. “What is it, sweet girl?” I ask.

“I love you,” she whispers.

“Why is that making you cry?”

“I love you too much. You tell me all the time that you’re bad for me. That you’re going to cause me more pain than I have ever felt.” I close my eyes to her words because I don’t want them to be true. “I never believed you, but you’re right, aren’t you? You are going to hurt me. You’re never going to love me the way you’ve loved other women. You’re just going to keep doing shit like this for me. Making me love you more and more. I can feel my heart breaking already. You’re going to love me better than anyone ever will, but you’re never going to let me have you. This game we’re playing, it’s never going to end.”

I open my eyes and look at Jude. “No. It’s not a game. I can’t lose you, Jude. I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

“I want you to be mine.”

“I am yours.”

“I want you to be mine because you want me to be yours. The only one you get. I don’t want you to give yourself to me as a gift. I want you to want us.”

The conflict runs through my head, loud and clear, but for once it doesn’t matter. I can be good for Jude. I can give her what she needs. I’m good for her. I don’t have to hurt her. How could I ever hurt this girl? I won’t hurt her.

“I want us, Jude. I want to try us. I don’t think I will hurt you.” Her eyes narrow at me, her head tilts to the side. She doesn’t know this reaction, she doesn’t trust it. “I want you to be mine. I’m giving myself to you. I want to try and have you.”

“Luca, don’t fuck with me. Don’t feed me this bullshit just because I cried.”