Between Friends (13 page)

June 5, 1980

Dear Cole,

Thank you for your call. It didn’t matter that it came in the middle of the night. I was awake, anyway, trying to figure out who shot J.R. It’s wonderful to hear your voice any time. As I explained, we’re none the worse for wear following the eruption.

The children are upset because we got so little of the ash. Dougie would have considered it a real windfall (so to speak). Heaven only knows what he would’ve done with it, but knowing my son, he would have thought of something.

My David, the most enterprising of the four, raises guinea pigs. He’s got quite a thriving business, selling them to pet stores. The guinea pigs do all the work and he collects the money. Hmm, that’s an interesting concept. He’s the animal lover in the family. I’ve been forced to limit him to one dog and one cat and, of course, the two guinea pigs.

I’m sure you’ve heard of President Carter’s decision to boycott the Moscow Olympics. The Soviets are learning more than one hard lesson in Afghanistan without us snubbing them like this. They should’ve learned from our mistakes in Vietnam. I’ve never been a political person, but I think this is wrong. The Olympics shouldn’t be about politics.

Anything new with the hostages? The days must seem endless to them. They continue to be in my prayers. You, too.

Yours,

Lesley

***
July 6, 1980

Dear Lesley.

I imagine it’s a surprise getting a letter from your ex-husband. I’m in a rehab center. The courts sent me here after my second drunk-driving charge. I’m not proud of that, but then there’s a great deal in this life I regret.

I’m working with a counselor and have been dry for two weeks. My head is starting to clear and I realize what a mess I’ve made of my life. The counselor tells me that unless I’m willing to be honest with myself, there’s no hope of ever kicking the booze. I didn’t know honesty was this damned hard.

I’ve been doing a lot of talking and soul-searching. You and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I’ve told you that before. It was true then and it’s even truer now.

There are things I never told you about my childhood. I’m not offering any of this as an excuse, but I feel you have a right to know. Working with the staff here I’ve been able to face my past and most of it is ugly.

My dad didn’t die when I was young. He deserted my mother and us three kids. Another thing I lied about was how my mother worked to make ends meet. She hooked on the side to put food on the table for my two older sisters and me. By the time Anne and Lois were in their teens, Mom had grown hard and mean, and she set them up with johns. She kicked me out when she found me stealing money from her purse to buy beer. She slapped me around some and then threw me into the street and said that was where I belonged.

She was probably right. Soon afterward, I drifted into Pine Ridge and got a job at the mill.

I heard from Lois a few years after Mom died. Anne came down with a liver ailment at 30 and never recovered. No one knows what caused it, but the doctors told my sister it had something to do with her immune system.

When I met you and your family, I couldn’t get over how you all looked after one another. No one looked after me. Your father was one of the best drinking buddies I ever had. When you agreed to date me that first time, I nearly burst with pride. You’ve always been a classy girl and you being interested in a lowlife like me gave me hope that I might turn into something good.

I never wanted you to know about my past. I never wanted anyone to know.

It’s funny how life catches up with you, isn’t it? It sure as hell caught up with me. I lost you and the kids, and painful as this is to admit, I realize I’m to blame for everything.

I pulled a lot of stunts while we were married. Emptying out your savings account to buy that hunting rifle is only the tip of the iceberg. There were other women, Lesley. More than I care to remember, but not a one of them meant anything to me. I know that doesn’t excuse cheating on you, but even when I was with someone else, it was always you I loved.

When you left me the first time, I went into a panic. I couldn’t believe you’d actually follow through with it and I thanked God a thousand times over when you agreed to take me back. I tried, baby, I really did. For you and the kids I managed to stay sober for a year, maybe more. I don’t remember exactly how long it was, but longer than any period before or since.

This last time, I knew you meant to go ahead with the divorce. You had a look in your eye that told me nothing was going to change your mind. I didn’t fight you as hard because I knew I deserved to have you walk out on me. My life’s been on a downward spiral since that day.

No one’s ever loved me like you did. No one ever cared what happened to me. Not my bastard of a father and not my bitch of a mother. Only you, and I killed that love because of the way I treated you.

I understand you have a new man in your life. I only hope he treats you better than I did. I hope he appreciates you.

Thank you for reading this, Lesley. I’m going to make a determined effort to be a better father to my children. They’ve got the best damn mother in the world and it’s time I showed them I’m capable of being a good father. I might have failed you as a husband, but I’m not going to fail my children.

Buck

***

July 10, 1980

Dear Dad,

Mom said you were in the hospital. I hope you get well soon. I have a paper route now, but I only have to deliver two days a week. It’s mostly advertisements and some local news. Mrs. Dalton gave me a $1.00 tip when I went to collect. I’m saving my money to help Mom.

I hope you’re better soon.

David Knowles

***

544 Klondike Avenue #304 Fairbanks, Alaska 99701

August 1, 1980

Dear David, Lindy, Doug and Christopher,

Thank you for your cards and letters while I was in the hospital. They meant a lot to me. I’m feeling great now. Thank your mother for me, too.

I’m going to be much better now. I heard about a job in Alaska and that’s where I’m living. The money is good and if I get on this crew, I’ll be able to send a check to your mother on a regular basis.

I love you. Be good for your mom.

Love,

Dad

***

JILLIAN LAWTON GORDON

331 WEST END AVENUE
APARTMENT 1020
NEW YORK, NY 10023

October 3, 1980

Dearest Lesley and Kids,

It was so good to hear from you. It’s been far too long. We can’t let this much time go by without at least a quick phone call.

Life just doesn’t seem to slow down for me. I know it’s the same for you. You’re a marvel; you always have been. I didn’t fully appreciate everything you accomplish until Monty and I had Leni Jo.

By the way, I’ve learned something about Monty that completely took me by surprise. He wasn’t free to tell me until a few days ago, but he’s been deeply involved in the ABSCAM investigation. That’s the reason he was working so much overtime during the past few months. His office cooperated with the FBI to catch legislators taking bribes from rich Arabs. Just this afternoon Representative Myers was expelled from Congress, the first member since 1861.

Now that the worst of it is over, he’s taking a vacation at my insistence. We both desperately need one. Leni Jo barely knows her father.

This is incredible news about Buck. He’s actually paying you child support? I don’t know how he managed to get that job in Alaska, but I’m grateful he’s taking some responsibility for supporting his children. Just beware, Lesley—we both know him, and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. His intentions might be good now, but don’t forget how unreliable he’s always been.

You haven’t mentioned our friendly international newscaster lately. What do you hear from Cole? I realize he’s probably traveling back and forth between New York and Tehran, but surely he’s been able to squeeze in a trip to the West Coast? Tell me everything!

Thanks for checking up on my mother. The Mt. St. Helens’ eruption is the first time she’s had to deal with anything major since we lost my dad, and she appears to be handling things quite well. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to rely on strangers for information about her. I know you aren’t afraid of telling me the truth about her condition.

I only wish I could get back to Pine Ridge more often. We’ll be there for Christmas, and you and I can talk then. I do worry about her.

I’m sorry this is so short. Keep in touch.
Monty and I send our love, Leni Jo, too.
Jillian

Lesley’s Journal

October 21, 1980

The kids got another letter from Buck. They love hearing from their father and get so excited when the mail brings them even the briefest of communications. Dougie and Christopher immediately sat down and wrote him back. I found David reading his father’s letter again after dinner, and Lindy was in a bad mood all evening. Unfortunately that’s all too common these days. When I tried to find out what was troubling her, she screamed at me that the divorce was all my fault. I was the one who wanted it. I was the one who’d ruined our family.

Her accusations shocked me. I didn’t defend myself, and I didn’t enlighten her, either. For reasons I’ve never understood, she’s always been close to Buck. Of all my children, she’s the one who found our divorce the most difficult to accept. I left her sobbing pitifully in her room and then later went back to try to reason with her. That was a mistake. She threw Cole in my face, telling me how wrong it is for me to have another man in my life. She as good as threatened me. My daughter, blood of my blood, heart of my heart, said that if I married Cole she’d make sure our lives were a living hell. I have no intention of marrying Cole, but her words shook me.

I refuse to allow a child—a girl who hasn’t even turned thirteen—to dictate how I live my life. Despite that, I’ve been giving my relationship with Cole a lot of thought. We’ve written and he’s called several times, although the conversations have always been short, but we haven’t had a chance to meet. We both know that given the opportunity, we could so easily let ourselves fall in love. It’s premature to even think about this, but I know I’d be tempted if he asked me to marry him. However, that’s not likely to happen. Cole’s already married—to his career. Not only that, I’m coming into this relationship with four needy children. David’s already a teenager, and Lindy might as well be. This daughter of mine is full of attitude, all of it bad. God help me. Dougie and Christopher aren’t far behind.

I no longer know what’s right. I shouldn’t be making decisions for Cole. But I don’t want this to go any further. The minute we see each other again, I’ll convince myself we could make it work, and we can’t. I know that already even if Cole doesn’t.

In any event, my one experience of marriage has left me doubting myself—and doubting my ability to make the right choice.

Buck seems so genuine these days, but then he always does when he’s afraid he’s going to lose me for good. I’ll never forgive him if he builds up the children’s hopes and then doesn’t follow through on his promises. I’ve seen him do that countless times. If I could protect the children, I would, but he’s their father and they love him and need him.

One way and another, the subject of marriage is definitely on my mind. A wedding announcement arrived in the mail, along with Buck’s letter to the kids. Roy Kloster. He’s married now, to another doctor. I’m pleased for him and equally pleased that he considers me enough of a friend to send an announcement.

I’m grateful to be in school. I love every minute of it. I gave up my dream of being a nurse fourteen years ago and I’m not going to let anything destroy it a second time. Dr. Milton and his staff have been wonderfully supportive. Dr. Milton’s promised me a full-time position with his office once I graduate. His wife’s been working with him for years and wants to quit. They’re counting on me to step into that vacancy.

I may never find love or romance again, but I’ll have a fulfilling career. I’ve got my friends, my family and—finally—a healthy measure of self-respect.

***

Cole Greenberg

ABC News Network
7 West 66th St.
New York, NY 10023

November 5, 1980

Dear Lesley, I haven’t heard from you in a couple of weeks and wasn’t sure if the mail had been delayed or if there was some other reason. That’s why I phoned. When we spoke, I heard the hesitation in your voice. You don’t need to explain or apologize.

Getting your letters and talking to you, however briefly, while I was in Tehran has lifted my spirits immensely. It’s made these long months reporting on the hostage situation more bearable.

You didn’t say why you don’t think it’s a good idea to continue this relationship, but I suspect I know. You’re looking for someone who can be a father to your children and a husband to you. I don’t blame you for that.

I have to be up-front with you, Lesley. I doubt that I’m husband or father material. My schedule takes me all over the world. I need the freedom to leave at a moment’s notice. I’m away so much of the time that relationships just don’t seem to work, no matter how hard I try.